My transgender feelings are at a clash with my alpha male identity.

[Alainaluvsu]

oh, so he's one of those straight guys who works at gay clubs for the higher tips?

In other words, he's "str8". *yawn* Gay guys eat up the "str8" act.

He would do a Chippendales but there aren't any around here that are hiring. But yup, that's what he does.

[Christine]

Generally if your plan is to go from your current state to the complete opposite you might just find you missed where you wanted to be along the way. Going to where you want instead of forcing yourself to be the perfect other gender from your genetic one is going to be where you feel most comfortable. 

Excellent point and one that is sometimes overlooked!

[JessicaH]

Maybe it's possible that the sex aspect is strong because you feel more "yourself" than as a man. I am not turned on by male on male sex AT ALL, but I think I could be happy in a hetero relationship with a man as a woman.

As far as hobbies go, guys love women that are into the same thing that they are into and society generally has no problem with women who enjoy "typically" male activities. You will probably catch more grief presenting as a woman with a manly voice but that's your choice. You may also find that a lot of things you find exciting now, may change if you have no testosterone in your system and you are full of E.

I think it would probably be very beneficial for you to do short term HRT and make sure you get you E and T in the proper ranges. Almost all fetishistic behavior will disappear when your T bottoms out and you will have a better idea of what makes your really "tick".

Good luck on your journey and I can't recommend enough that you figure this out now rather than when you are older. It's far less complicated now and you will get a lot better results from HRT.

[Kelly J. P.]

 I struggle with believing that an MtF would have an alpha-male identity, but I suppose it's not too uncommon, relatively speaking. However, it's not your interests that concern me; actually, what I think is particularly striking is the fact that you went on hormones, and then went off shortly after because of fear.

It's a tell-tale sign. You should probably go on hormones again, and if that fear returns, then you can either ignore it, or hear what it's telling you. If it feels wrong, then it's wrong. If you're afraid of growing breasts, then that's a problem, and if you're hesitant about your sex drive being reduced, and your testes shrinking, then you probably shouldn't take them.

For me, hormones were right. There was no worrying about whether the decision was right or wrong, and it didn't matter what they did or didn't do, so long as they did something, and the more the better!

Hormones are the most effective diagnostic tool for possible transsexual individuals. They almost always strike the heart, telling a person if what they are doing is something right, or something to avoid.

Best wishes.

[Isabelle]

I agree with Kelly.
When I started hrt it was like a lightbulb was turned on in my world. I feel so "normal" and happy and healthy now. Before I was anxious, depressed, moody, nothing positive. Hrt makes me feel like I "fit" in my skin and in the world. Before, it was like I was was a reluctant guest from another planet. Granted, I still do feel like an alien in "my" culture at times but, at least I'm beginning to enjoy my "stay" on this mouldy little rock in "our" universe

[MaidofOrleans]

I struggle with believing that an MtF would have an alpha-male identity, but I suppose it's not too uncommon. relatively speaking.

Its actually quite common. The theory is the individual is overcompensating in an attempt to repress or stamp out their transgender feelings.

[Kelly J. P.]

Its actually quite common. The theory is the individual is overcompensating in an attempt to repress or stamp out their transgender feelings.

Perhaps I am a rare specimen, but I am incapable of lying to myself, and I would like to believe that the same applies to every human being. Overcompensation would be me trying to change who I am to conform to an image upheld by a society I don't care for in the first place. I would be incapable of being an alpha male, because the way I move, speak, look... nothing about my male self had even the potential for it, except perhaps my voice. I had a sexy male voice, one that I can't do any more (thank God!).

Maybe they do repress and overcompensate, but I would assume that the feeling of being a cis male persists more than it is described to - as if it's something to be ashamed about! Trans elitism still exists in that regard, in that knowing at x age, and transitioning at y age, is all about the lower numbers. If you didn't know at x, you can't really be trans, right? Eyeroll.

I'm obviously too subjective here. I have no idea what it's like to be capable of changing one's own mind, to be able to lie to oneself, or to be capable of being an alpha male, and so I assume that most trans MtFs also share those qualities. Mistakenly. The best part is, while I realize my error, I still believe what I'm saying.

I mean, if you lived as an alpha-male... wouldn't that just make you hate yourself even more with every passing day? It just seems so counter-intuitive.

Bleh. Humans, make sense for once.

[Taka]

sorry, i refuse to make sense. the perfect state of being would be alpha male/dominatrix/perfect housewife. maybe not perfect housewife, since i'm no good at it, but i do like to cook. ah, wait, i think i forgot flaming gay. so, i'm a confused/ing mess, and figured i like it.

but back to the op's problem. there are whole (little) communities in norway where everybody becomes a car mechanic. regardless of gender or other interests, or maybe they're all genuinely interested in that job. many women love to watch men beat each other half to death (mma), and would even watch women do the same. having the same interests as a stereotypical alpha male doesn't disqualify anyone as a woman

that said, loving to crossdress doesn't have to mean that you are a woman. maybe you'd like to be treated as a woman only in sexual situations? there's nothing wrong with that. there are communities for all kinds of sexual fetishes, you might want to seek those out too while trying to figure yourself out. there are also people who aren't stricly male or female. have you considered the possibility that you might be both genders?

[tekla]

At least in the USA there is no shortage of Alpha females.

[Noah]

Perhaps I am a rare specimen, but I am incapable of lying to myself, and I would like to believe that the same applies to every human being. Overcompensation would be me trying to change who I am to conform to an image upheld by a society I don't care for in the first place. I would be incapable of being an alpha male, because the way I move, speak, look... nothing about my male self had even the potential for it, except perhaps my voice. I had a sexy male voice, one that I can't do any more (thank God!).

Maybe they do repress and overcompensate, but I would assume that the feeling of being a cis male persists more than it is described to - as if it's something to be ashamed about! Trans elitism still exists in that regard, in that knowing at x age, and transitioning at y age, is all about the lower numbers. If you didn't know at x, you can't really be trans, right? Eyeroll.

I'm obviously too subjective here. I have no idea what it's like to be capable of changing one's own mind, to be able to lie to oneself, or to be capable of being an alpha male, and so I assume that most trans MtFs also share those qualities. Mistakenly. The best part is, while I realize my error, I still believe what I'm saying.

I mean, if you lived as an alpha-male... wouldn't that just make you hate yourself even more with every passing day? It just seems so counter-intuitive.

Bleh. Humans, make sense for once.

Omg! The idea that people can't lie to themselves is some sort of utopian fantasy. A large portion of our collective problems probably come from being dishonest with ourselves. The fact that you are incapable of this classic Human trait is an uncanny phenomena, and either you should be very grateful for being an anomaly or you should look at how you may being dishonest with yourself about all of your own dishonesty! haha, I am not trying to say you're lying here, I trust you - and certainly in regards to being trans and not faking it male.

It is SO common for trans women to come out from hiding under a very masculine facade. I was always incredibly feminine in my behavior and voice, and couldn't pass as a typical male at all - and because I believed that I was supposed to be/was a male, I was majorly depressed about my identity and my actual self. But rather than understand my femininity as the obvious self nurturing route to embrace and follow, I denied it completely, and chose to project masculinity wherever possible, in order to be read as a normal male, so that society would like me.

I worked out excessively. I hated my body like this, and I would stare at myself in the mirror while at the gym wondering why I was doing this to myself - and literally having no clue what it was really about. All I knew was that the world respected me more the more I appeared male, and I hated my feminine self so much that I wanted to erase her.

The alternative, accepting that I was trans and was/wanted to be a woman, was unthinkable. My social world had constructed such strict principles about who I was based on what my body was, that I never questioned those boundaries - just lived in misery withi them. Any thought of being trans was wiped from my mind.

You're right! It is HELL to be like that. Because you're working directly against the honesty of your truth. It is catastrophic to the spirit, and it can not be sustained. Especially since I totally failed at being the MAN this world wants me to be. I tried to play the part, but would become so morbidly depressed in this costume that I would fade back into a more feminine me...and go with that for as long as I could, until I became scared again. Then I would re-masculinize. It was a terrible cycle and it lasted for years.

Anyway THIS is the power of Denial. Thats why I was so shocked by your assumption that most people don't have it...because it is the driving force behind so much of our shame. Life outside of denial is heaven. When we live in honesty with ourselves and our world, we flourish and can find peace. I still lie to myself all the time - but the difference is I am conciously aware and actively observing my mind and taking positive action to realign my intentions with self-nurturing care.

This may, or may not, be relevant to the OP. There simply is no way for us to diagnose them. Of course, all of the concerns posed here are valid - and should be taken seriously. This is n o t for everyone, and while transition provides life saving treatment for Us - it could provide the opposite for someone who has found it for the wrong reasons.

[tekla]

being dishonest with ourselves

Hell, if it wasn't for that and a modicum of denial most people would never get out of bed in the morning.

[Stephe]

I identify with the alpha male lifestyle. All of my hobbies and interests are those of a man.  For instance, my favorite hobby is watching and participating in mma fighting. I grew up with all male interests. I was in the boy scouts and became an eagle scout. All of my heroes are men. I don't have a feminine bone in my body. I'm not gay either.

I raced cars for years with "the good old boys", I still ride sport bikes. I loved being a boy scout, camping etc. I have zewro interest in cooking, sewing etc. I was a car mechanic for 30 years and loved it. I LOVE being in charge and I love to win at anything I do.

But at the end of the day I have now become a woman but still have some of these same interests. You don't think there are Alpha type women? Or like women who like "mens sports"? I can't relate to the "I don't have a feminine bone in my body" part but the rest I can relate to. I really don't buy the whole "A real MTF would be introverted and feminine their whole life" concept. Plays too much on the -ideal female- stereotype that women should be submissive and not want to be in charge of anything etc.

[Maddie]

I raced cars for years with "the good old boys", I still ride sport bikes. I loved being a boy scout, camping etc. I have zewro interest in cooking, sewing etc. I was a car mechanic for 30 years and loved it. I LOVE being in charge and I love to win at anything I do.

But at the end of the day I have now become a woman but still have some of these same interests. You don't think there are Alpha type women? Or like women who like "mens sports"? I can't relate to the "I don't have a feminine bone in my body" part but the rest I can relate to. I really don't buy the whole "A real MTF would be introverted and feminine their whole life" concept. Plays too much on the -ideal female- stereotype that women should be submissive and not want to be in charge of anything etc.

Hear, hear!

I'm a lone wolf alpha girl. When I go out in boy mode, I'm still a lone wolf alpha. I don't do submission. I don't like football, rugby, or cricket, but that's because they're team activities. I do like athletics, and kung fu, and swordfighting. I also like ballet, and gymnastics. And dancing, and science, and art.

All those stereotypical "female" activities, like socializing and gossiping, buying too many sets of shoes, having no taste in movies or music, and generally acting like a twelve-year-old, they're not really what defines a woman. They're optional.

You know, when I was a kid and watching all those 1980s martial arts flicks, between all the JCVD and Seagal and Bolo Yeung, I think my favourite fighter was Cynthia Rothrock.

Favourite films: Whisper of the Heart, A Serbian Film, Drive, Akira, Requiem For A Dream
Favourite authors: J.G. Ballard, Aleister Crowley, William Gibson, Clive Barker, Paul W. Glimcher

I'm writing this wearing tights, girly trainers, low-rise jeans and a woman's turtleneck (all black), mascara, foundation and perfume (Miss Dior, smells great). Long hair done up in a high, Japanese-style, pony-tail with a pink ribbon. It's my everyday androgynous outfit, serious but playful. Earlier in the day, I flirted with, glared at, ignored, confused, and had serious business interactions with dozens of people walking around town. I walk the way a female athlete walks: bounce in my step, bum back, hips loose, back arched, settled, pushing and rolling off the ground. Jaunty and natural, beats the crap out of the unhealthy shuffling I see all around me.

In a way, I'm exactly the kind of girl the boy persona I used to maintain would have wanted to be with.

Feels right.

Maddie

[pretty]

All those stereotypical "female" activities, like socializing and gossiping, buying too many sets of shoes, having no taste in movies or music, and generally acting like a twelve-year-old, they're not really what defines a woman. They're optional.

Aren't those just misogynist stereotypes? Lmao. 

There are real differences in what men and women do but a lot of people just project their unrelated prejudices (like those) onto women (and when they transition even themselves...)

[Alainaluvsu]

All those stereotypical "female" activities, like socializing and gossiping, buying too many sets of shoes, having no taste in movies or music, and generally acting like a twelve-year-old, they're not really what defines a woman. They're optional.

I consider myself pretty feminine ... and kinda found those stereotypes a little degrading... or at least how you made it all sound like a bad thing! I mean no taste in movies or music? Maybe I think death metal and macho violence movies are tasteless.

I'm gonna hold my tongue on mocking masculine behavior...

[Brooke777]

All those stereotypical "female" activities, like socializing and gossiping, buying too many sets of shoes, having no taste in movies or music, and generally acting like a twelve-year-old, they're not really what defines a woman. They're optional.

I just love the positive outlook you have on women. Very inspiring. 

[Stephe]

They did say "stereotype".. just like a guy one would be belching and drinking beer watching football.

BTW I do love buying too many sets of shoes

[Alainaluvsu]

Hey! I like watching football!!!

[Brooke777]

BTW I do love buying too many sets of shoes

I don't think there is such a thing as too many shoes. 

[RedFox]

I don't think there is such a thing as too many shoes. 

True.  Unfortunately there are such things as too-small closets!