Queer bodies, presentation, and balance: a ramble

[androgynoid]

Today while going through old clothes to donate, I came across my bras. I put one on. The cups were so big that I stuffed them with balled-up shirts instead of socks; I'd forgotten how much of a chest I used to have. I put on a shirt and looked in the mirror.

I might not know exactly how to put my thoughts and feelings about it into words, but here's me trying.

There was an element of unsettled-ness that came with seeing my body as it used to be, as well as a joy that it's not like that anymore and a love for the shape it is now. I felt better about my body in its current state than I have in awhile. The stuffed bra made me look unbalanced, broad and top-heavy, curvy and feminine. My body without it is long, slim, and fairly well-proportioned.

However, as soon as I finish typing this I'm going to make myself some breast forms. I'm so antsy to do this that my lack of ability to form coherent sentences is bugging me more than it usually does. I want to finish this post first, but I want to be making breast forms right now!

So why do I want to wear breast forms when I couldn't live with real breasts? When today the sight of me with breasts made me strip down to my men's underwear and stick my packer inside?

I don't have a good answer to that. To lend more fluidity to my presentation? For the joy of being able to strip them off at the end of the day? Because on some level I regret having had top surgery? None of those are right.

All I know is that I love my body the way it is now, and I also want to be able to alter its appearance with false sex characteristics. I love my flat chest and crotch, and also the idea of making them bulge-y, probably both areas at the same time.

Right now I feel very settled and centered, as well as very confused. It's taken me almost an hour to get this far into this post. I type, think a little, delete what I've typed, think a little more, and repeat. I can't very well ask if anyone else has had this experience; I believe I'm the only FAAB post-top-op non-binary person who posts here.

_{Thinking that makes me lonely.}

I haven't felt any dysphoria today, not when I was stuffed with DDs, not when I was naked except for briefs and packer. I'm full of feelings, but none of them are dysphoria. All I know is that this is right. This is me.

None of this post seems to have made any sense.

This would have been better suited to a blog probably. I've said that before about my threads. I should get me one of them blog things. But for now I'll leave it here, I guess. Do with it what you will.

[Adam (birkin)]

I don't really have any answers to what you're going through. But I do remember how depressed and dysphoric and unhappy you were before you had your top surgery. And now, you seem happier and more balanced. I don't know if there were other things in your life that might have contributed to that (like dumping the bad Casey, lol)...but you seem a lot healthier now so I think that means you are on the right track.

Might be wrong, but that's how I see it as an outsider.

[Shantel]

None of this post seems to have made any sense.

Oh yes it does, I get you kid and it's ok! 

[ativan]

I believe I'm the only FAAB post-top-op non-binary person who posts here.

_{Thinking that makes me lonely.}

None of this post seems to have made any sense.

You're not, there are others, though I haven't heard from them here in a while.
There will be others.

You're never alone here. Ever.

It isn't necessary to make sense. Made sense enough to me, so I'm sure it makes sense to others as well.
The point here, is to post what is important to you. We all find things to relate to one way or another.

Ativan

[androgynoid]

Caleb, you're not wrong. I'm glad it shows that I'm doing much better. Because I really am. There are other factors that contribute (and the jury's still out on how Other Casey affects me ), but having had surgery is definitely number one.

*hugs Shantel*

Ativan, at least one of the other posters was me on another account. I know I'm not really alone, it just feels that way sometimes. Aside from one picture I saw on Tumblr, I haven't seen any accounts of stuffed bras on post-op chests, and that makes me feel alone, even if I'm not. I know now that there are people here who understand, even if they haven't had the same experiences.

[Taka]

None of this post seems to have made any sense.

your post made more sense than you seem to think. fits very well with what i imagine that i'd like to do, if only i had the courage to deal with mostly incompetent doctors.
i could also somewhat link it to another seemingly senseless thought/experience i had a few years ago; i was suddenly terrified by the thought that if i don't do something about it soon, i'll end up being caught in one and the same gender for the rest of my life (and either one would be equally bad). the thought is still frightening, but stumbling over these forums made the sense of urgency fade away enough for me to think about it more deeply before trying to decide on what action to take, if any