Who am I?

[manupraj]

Please help me to take a decision.. I am 24.. I am from Kerala, India.. Here there are little psychologists I know of, who know very well about the conflicts in the minds of transgenders or cross dressers. I don't know who I am.. But my mind doesn't agree with the social acceptance around me. I want to be accepted as a male in front of almost all I know. But I fall in love with both boys and girls. I don't know which one is powerful. Marriage proposals are haunting me like hell. I don't know what to do with my life. I am an m.tech student. If I agree to marry a boy, within 1 or 2 years, if I realize I did a big mistake, how to get rid of the responsibilities? I am totally confused.
I tried talking to parents, but they are not ready to accept. They are saying that I am hallucinating. I feel very uncomfortable hearing that. Nobody is there to listen to me. Everyone(friends I talked to) are saying the same thing, as of they know me, I am a perfect girl. What is that supposed to mean? Why am I feeling irritated hearing that? Anyhow, I stopped talking now.
I am a bisexual of course. I faced child abuse from 3rd to 7th std. I like cross dressing. But I didn't get enough opportunities. I browsed a lot. But I couldn't find anyone similar to me. When I feel infatuated to a boy, I like to play the female role of course. But I know that only with a boy aged near or above mine to whom I feel infatuated, I am okay with the feminine appearance. In front of all the others, I always wanted to appear as a boy. I wanted to play cricket with my brother and cousin brother when I was young. I wondered why they avoid me in all their activities. I wanted to talk to them, to be with them, but what I got was unsatisfactory.
I tried to adjust to the female body (up to the age of 23), since I thought that every others girls may be having such problems, but now I realized there is none I know of. I had been acting in front of everyone around me, trying to prove that I am a perfect girl. But deep down in my mind, I know that those were all just showoffs.

[Taka]

unfortunately i cannot tell you who you are, since you are the only person who really knows this.

i you want to find out more, a good place to start would be to read the ftm and androgyne sections here and see if you can find some stories or experiences that resonate within you. share your thoughts and ask questions. stumbling over the androgyne section here helped me a lot when i couldn't decide on whether i was a girl or a guy, i found a freedom to be both, which is more like who i really am

whether you are bisexual or monosexual doesn't matter much when it comes to gender. who you are and who you want people to see you treat you as and matters more

[manupraj]

Okay, I got it.. Thank you so much for replying...
I am in a rush right now, at least once in a fortnight, proposals are coming..
I am tired of rejecting, sometimes I do not provide them a good reason to do it..
So I am stopping my M.Tech classes and gonna look for a job at the earliest..
I need to find some money to move on.. I may have to double cross them..
I love my parents.., but when they aren't understanding, i feel that there is no other option..
Again, thank u so much, I will do it to my best...

[Taka]

there is a possibility that things might get slightly more bearable if you pretend to have gotten over what your parents call 'hallucinations', and promise to consider marriage candidates after you finish your studies, and have gotten a job. if a little white lie can make your parents stop trying to marry you off into proper womanhood long enough for you to make good plans for your future, then that might be better than just running away.

i don't think i'd advice you to quit your studies, since you might want the best possible job for your future. but of course, your well-being is more important, and if living with your parents makes it impossible to concentrate on your studies, then there's not much point in struggling too much with it before trying another option.