Ugh! Grumpy because I saw my ex's profile on an online dating site!

[Bostoncisguy]

So I joined this site because I just got out of a relationship with a trans guy, and part of me is trying to understand what went wrong and what I can do better in the future.  It's still fresh in my mind since it ended a couple of weeks ago.  So being bored and feeling sorry for myself, I decided to browse a popular online dating site (a different one from the one where we met) and I stumbled upon his profile, and it just brought up the sadness I feel over breaking up even though I'm sure he had the profile before we met.  Oh and don't worry, I didn't open it.

Anyway, one of the main reasons why he broke up with me is because he was so afraid I was going to leave him for a "real" guy as he put it, not me.  He beat me to the punch!  He was the first trans guy I ever met, let alone dated, and things seemed to be going well, and I was beginning to fall for him.  When he came out to me, I had tons of questions about things like T and binding and top surgery, but the reason why I was asking was simply because I was uneducated and wanted to know more about what he was going through.  I mean, who wouldn't have questions?  It's like if you date me, I welcome you to ask me questions about what it's like to be Chinese cuz, hey, look at me, I'm Chinese!  I respected his boundaries both in conversation and while being intimate.  I stayed up late learning more about trans guys whenever he wasn't around because I didn't want him to feel self-conscious, and I learned quite a bit!

When he told me he wanted to break up because he thought I would be BETTER OFF with a bio guy, it really hurt.  He was essentially trying to determine for me what was best for me even though it was so far from reality.  He said it would be a while before he could get top surgery, and never gave me the opportunity to prove to him that I didn't care how long it would take.  In his mind, he was convinced that I needed a bio guy and would ditch him at the first chance I got.  And that hurt so much because not only did he convince himself of this, but he wouldn't hear my side of the story.

So, I'm moving forward despite occasional minor setbacks like stumbling upon his profile, and I want to know if I did anything wrong and how I can do things better next time if I date another trans guy.  Feel free to be honest, but don't be harsh or rude.

[DrillQuip]

I'm so sorry to hear that happened. Way back when I ended a relationship with my boyfriend because I was self conscious and didn't feel like I was good enough for him. He was an extremely understanding guy and did everything he could to tell me I was worthy of love and shouldn't go. I was severely depressed though, and my perspective was filtered through that. I don't think it would've mattered what he did, because he wasn't the problem. The way I thought of myself was.

I know depression and Trans experiences aren't exactly the same, but I guess where I'm getting at is your ex was probably going through some nasty internal struggles and you just happened to get caught up in it. You probably didn't do anything wrong at all. In fact you sound extremely understanding. I wish there were more cis people with your attitude. My advice, if anything, is to just stay as open minded and understanding as you are.

[Bostoncisguy]

Thanks so much, DrillQuip!  When I met him, one of the things that I found so attractive about him was how confident he was.  Confidence in a man is such a turn on for me.  He acted so cool about his transgender status and everyone on campus knew and he was like, "Yeah I'm trans.  No big deal." But then at night when we weren't hanging out together, I'd get texts about how insecure he felt about us.  I guess his confidence was just a cover up for what he was really going through.  I miss so many stupid little things about him like how he used to kiss me on the forehead, his scent, and even the feeling of his STP packer when he'd hug me and stuff...Sorry if that last bit was a little graphic, lol!  Part of me is trying to move on although that's a skill that I am not good at, and part of me hopes that he misses me and realizes what he's missing, and part of me hopes he will ask me to come back to him.  I am an extremely understanding kind of guy for almost anything, and I'm a good listener and give great advice while not hovering over people and being clingy.  I just wish he would have opened up more because I could have been there for him and stuff.  Sigh!

[Bostoncisguy]

Oh and one thing that I thought was an indicator that he was comfortable with me was that he would take his binder off at night when we'd sleep together.  Not that I would let my hands go anywhere where they shouldn't have, but I figured he had reached a comfort level with me that indicated that he knew that I was ok with him.

[DrillQuip]

Oh people can definitely put on a good show of confidence to ward off other's suspicions. Its a defense mechanism. I think we all do it to an extent, but some people are really good at it. I might wonder if he didn't want people to pity him as a trans person, so he did the best he could to earn respect instead. Or it could have been worse. Some people hate transmen, and if he didn't act confident they might have pounced. Its a shame showing insecurity is a bad thing, since those of us who would help that person would know to help them.

Anyway I think you're doing a good thing by coming here and trying to understand trans people. Just as long as you understand that you really didn't do anything wrong in the relationship as far as I can tell. Being understanding is all you can do. Trans people aren't all the same so there's no fixed set of rules on how to treat all of them. Just keep the lines of communication open and do your best.

[Nero]

Oh and one thing that I thought was an indicator that he was comfortable with me was that he would take his binder off at night when we'd sleep together.  Not that I would let my hands go anywhere where they shouldn't have, but I figured he had reached a comfort level with me that indicated that he knew that I was ok with him.

I wonder if it was more a matter of not being okay with himself. When he said he was worried about how you felt about him being pre-op, he may have been uncomfortable with it himself. I avoided relationships while going through transition because I wasn't comfortable with the state I was in. Wouldn't matter if my partner was okay with it or not. Transition can also be a very self-involved time.

[Bostoncisguy]

Anyway I think you're doing a good thing by coming here and trying to understand trans people. Just as long as you understand that you really didn't do anything wrong in the relationship as far as I can tell. Being understanding is all you can do. Trans people aren't all the same so there's no fixed set of rules on how to treat all of them. Just keep the lines of communication open and do your best.

Oh I know I didn't do anything wrong!  I was a great boyfriend.  His loss!

[Bostoncisguy]

I wonder if it was more a matter of not being okay with himself. When he said he was worried about how you felt about him being pre-op, he may have been uncomfortable with it himself. I avoided relationships while going through transition because I wasn't comfortable with the state I was in. Wouldn't matter if my partner was okay with it or not. Transition can also be a very self-involved time.

I think you're totally onto something.  Three funny things that prevented me from ever suspecting he was not comfortable with himself.  First of all, he and his ex transitioned together.  Secondly, his roommate is about to start T and he is a mentor to him.  Thirdly, he is very active on campus when it comes to LGBT education and speaks often about his transition.  All these made me believe he was comfortable with himself, which in turn made me more attracted to him because I love confident guys.  And who could be more confident than a trans guy who is out to everyone, or at least I assumed?

But anyway, if this sounds like anyone you know, please respect his privacy.  I'm just here to vent and to learn from this experience so that if I date another trans guy, I will be more aware and sensitive to his needs.  Not trying to slander him or anything like that.  Although I do hope he misses me and realizes what he is missing out on, lol!

[Bostoncisguy]

Maybe I'm being naive, but I'm definitely not trying to sound insensitive, but I'm the type of person who needs other people to be around me when I'm going through something tough.  If I were a trans guy going through my transition, I would want my boyfriend there with me at every step of the way because his presence and faithfulness would just add to the feeling of being the man I want to be.  Does that make any sense?

[Padma]

People are different from each other . Some of us are self-protective when we're feeling vulnerable, and slow to trust others. I think in general it's important not to expect or assume absolute trust from someone else, even when you've known each other for ages. I know it can be hard to have someone not trust you when you feel trustworthy, and I've been on both sides of that situation plenty of times. But it's just the way it is sometimes. People going through transition have often experienced a lot of oppression and betrayal on their way to the present moment.

[justmeinoz]

Dating site? Sounds like he is having regrets about leaving.  You know you are not to blame, so I wouldn't lose any sleep over it.

[Bostoncisguy]

Thanks, Padma and justmeinoz.  I think he had the profile on both sites before we met.  Just rubbed me the wrong way when I saw the other one.  I just really, really miss him.

Then again, when I saw his profile, it said he was active recently, which is a zinger since he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship and had to go through his transition without a significant other.  Boys, they are so frustrating!

I guess what I'm saying is that if I were transitioning, and my guy was still there through thick and thin, it would make me feel even more confident.  I dunno.

I think I may have a date with a really hot cis guy...I hope I'm ready for this!