Do The Bad Times Really Ever Come To An End?

[SarahM777]

Please can someone tell me that the bad times truly come to end? It just seems like the rare few times in my life that were good are but a distant memory. I just want this nightmare to come to an end. I mean is it just a pipe dream to continue to hope that it will get better or does it just continue on? I can only change so much and to much is out of my control. Do things really get better? How much can one person really take before it becomes so over whelming? I feel like I am on the edge of a knife.

[justmeinoz]

Sometimes it does fell like life will be a succession of ***** sandwiches, but it can get better.

We just have to let it, and be aware that if things get dark that it will pass.  You are doing something really hard so it is natural to have doubts and feel discouraged.  Sometimes it is a matter of asking what is neccessary and just doing it. Even if it means leaving family and friends for somewhere safer where you are allowed to be who you really are.

Sometimes I run out of resilience, so on those days I just crawl back under the covers and cry it out. Everything else can go hang.  It does pass, and I feel better afterwards, seeing I could survive. after all.

You have come a long way, so go easy on yourself and give yourself a pat on the back. As Kate Bornstein recommends, treat yourself like an honoured guest in your own life.

Karen.

[Devlyn]

"We stand at the crossroads of gender balanced on the sharp edge of a knife."

That explains it! Of course things get better, hon. Overwhelmed means you're looking at too much at once. Just take one thing at a time. Hugs, Devlyn

[SarahM777]

I think I know what's at the root of it.  It's not as much the dysphoria. I was looking at my hands and it brought back an awful lot of very painful memories.

It all started when I was 1 1/2 years old,the first complication that just started the downward spiral. My sister was born,normally that in and of itself is not that big of a problem,my sister was born with Arnold Chari Malformation and other birth defects from drop ether,which included spina bifada,heart defects,a half a brain and others. (My mom was an emergency nurse at that time). Normally it's a complication but not always that bad. My sister was not a nice person to say the least,she was vicious,mean and cruel. I still have multiple scars from her.

The doctors at that time warned my parents that she should be institutionalized for the sake of the rest of the family. She couldn't walk and her motor skills were not good at all. We ended up having to do her psychical theory at home. We had to do what they called patterning. We have have to gently move her head,arms and legs and the other three of us had to help. (This was in the early 60's and insurance for it was not there at that time) Because it was so intense her needs always took precedence.

Add to that a father who didn't want to be home all that much,never went to any of the things that kids do for after school,had a temper,was vindictive,verbally abusive,and had very unique types of punishment. One summer I ended up having to pick a wheel barrow full of rocks ever day before I could do anything else. (I had thrown a glass at my brother)

My mother at that time was also verbally abusive. (She doesn't do that anymore)

Both my grandmothers were also like my father. My one grandmother couldn't stand me at all. The kicker was we had to spend every vacation with her for two solid weeks.

We were not allowed to have friends over but my parents also never had anyone over.

By the age of ten I was taking care of the whole household on the weekends. (My parents had just opened a business and they were gone most of the time on the weekends.) I was left with my brother and two sisters. The thing was is my sister would beat the crap out of the two younger ones,I would step in to protect the other two and she would rip my arms and hands up. At that age I should never have been put in that role. A little less than six months later I am also having to take care of a newborn brother on the weekends.  A couple of years later another sister.

Holidays were a barrel of laughs. Not one ended without a fight. My sister was really good at taking her presents at Christmas and destroying them in front of the person that gave it to her.

Then the issues with the kids at school and work and the dysphoria,with no real parental guidance,and no real close friends at that time it's no wonder I was so completely screwed up.
The combination was just to much and it set the pattern for the rest of my life and it just seems like it keeps going on and on. The hard part was it just seemed like I couldn't a break from it.

I am sorry for the rant but I can't let it keep building up inside otherwise it will drive me crazy.

[AbraCadabra]

It will get better IF we know HOW to learn and do the 'right' things.

The past is done, it CAN NOT BE CHANGED... yet we can change our ATTITUDE towards it.
When we were small and a lot more vulnerable with learned certain things... amongst other stuff - how life can be just plain horrible.
I learned these lessons too, as did ever so many others. So you are not alone AT ALL in this.

It is also good to bring these things into the present and air them out --- BUT, then there comes that BIG but... we may not, NOT make the mistake due to this history to assume a VICTIM ATTITUDE.

Suffering in final analysis is an opportunity to grow, to grow emotionally, to grow stronger and to be able to help others to do and become so as well.

Retardation into a Victim-attitude is to retard one's inner growth.
And so depending on our attitude we attract growth and beauty - or we attract suffering and just more of the same bad things. Essentially a law of life that is.

Not that I had wanted to bother with this initially, but following see part of an email I felt like sharing with a friend earlier on today:
.................

My almost usual Monday, electrolysis at 9:00am, ... but today I became also the sole confidant of my electrolysist – and was told so and also why (she trusts me)... then I had to do some fetching of refrigerator spare parts, the dude that had sir-ed me over the phone ... madam-ed the hell out of me... and I just smiled as if nothing odd had been the case. No prob, um.

Two more stops and friendly male attention, yummy... than food shopping.
Standing in the aisle for condiments getting approached by a woman mid-30s, this time I'm asked - which flavour gherkins would be more recommendable, the tangy or the sweet-sour...

I tell her nicely and then sweetly ask her how come she was asking me...
Her answer: "I could just see, you would give me the right advice..."

What a great day for me this far.

So, I'm not threatening to the girls... love it Love being on the inside.
I'm in tight jeans (size 12/36), a black and silver print Chanel Top, and rip-off thin gold-strap Manolo Blahnik sandals with rhinestones and amber inlays.
Pony-tail to one side (cheeky) and VERY light makeup. Voila
....................

Maybe you can see the message between the line... and it says: "YES IT WILL GET BETTER..."

Hug,
Axélle

[SarahM777]

It will get better IF we know HOW to learn and do the 'right' things.

That is the tough part,it's having to get rid of all the bad things we've learned and try to learn the positives.

The past is done, it CAN NOT BE CHANGED... yet we can change our ATTITUDE towards it.
When we were small and a lot more vulnerable with learned certain things... amongst other stuff - how life can be just plain horrible.
I learned these lessons too, as did ever so many others. So you are not alone AT ALL in this.

You are right the past can not be changed. There was one thing though my parents should of done for the sake of the rest of the kids,when my sister started going after us with knives,broken bottles,dishes and glasses,she should have been removed. It would not have lead to some of us being cut or stabbed. Once in a life time is enough of that.

I did learn a lesson from picking the stones out of the yard. See the thing with the stones is that it wasn't field stones it was gravel. You ever try to pick gravel out of the dirt? It takes a LONG time to fill a wheel barrow full. I think maybe 3 months to do that was a wee bit more than it needed to be,a week would have been suficant. If I ever had kids I would never put them through something like that it's just way to much,a lesson needs to be learned but not that far overboard.

It is also good to bring these things into the present and air them out --- BUT, then there comes that BIG but... we may not, NOT make the mistake due to this history to assume a VICTIM ATTITUDE.

I can't say that I'm inocent either. Some of the stuff in my life is my own doing. I can not blame anyone else for what I did,only the part that they played,nothing more.

Retardation into a Victim-attitude is to retard one's inner growth.
And so depending on our attitude we attract growth and beauty - or we attract suffering and just more of the same bad things. Essentially a law of life that is.

That just makes it worse. All it does is depress one more,but not talking about things just internalizes it and that is just as bad. Breaking the cycle is the hard part.

Thank you for posting part of that email,it helped cheer me up a bit

I just feel like I am stuck in a rut and I need to figure a way out of it.

[SarahM777]

The other part that goes with it right now that is scaring the heck out of me,is I have no clue as to whether the business will survive even this next month and if it doesn't I have no clue as to what to do about a job. Last year I did just enough to survive and pay the expenses and the bills (Less than $40,000 gross). This year I am over 20% down from last year gross. I have no idea what to do,which is not helping at all.

Since the 15th of last month I have grossed a little over $1,200,during the time it is usually one of the busier times of the year. Out of that all the business expenses have to come out,which doesn't leave much for anything else.

[AbraCadabra]

"You are right the past can not be changed. There was one thing though my parents should of done for the sake of the rest of the kids,when my sister started going after us with knives,broken bottles,dishes and glasses,she should have been removed. It would not have lead to some of us being cut or stabbed. Once in a life time is enough of that.

I did learn a lesson from picking the stones out of the yard. See the thing with the stones is that it wasn't field stones it was gravel. You ever try to pick gravel out of the dirt? It takes a LONG time to fill a wheel barrow full. I think maybe 3 months to do that was a wee bit more than it needed to be,a week would have been suficant. If I ever had kids I would never put them through something like that it's just way to much,a lesson needs to be learned but not that far overboard."
.....................

I just took this portion of your reply to tell you one other thing which comes to mind immediately when reading through it.
The word SHOULD and most often used in a context of something one would have wished for - but which did not happen.

SHOULD is one of the base words for Victim-attitude. Whenever it comes up in your thought processes - WATCH OUT!

The other thing is FORGIVENESS.
Easy to say, not by far so easy to ACTUALLY forgive, and not only others but even harder ---- yourself!

Un-forgiveness is like a rucksack on our backs, it takes a lot of energy to hang onto bad-energy which un-forgiveness essentially happens to be.
Victim-attitude needs un-forgiveness, and un-forgiveness needs energy, taking away good energy.

When we're feeling bad and unforgiving toward things in the past, it will NOT change the past, never, BUT... it will constantly change the present so as to become more bad vibrations, and negative energy replicating the past vibes...

Some say, and not knowing what I just said: Look into your past... and you will see your future! How about THAT?

So by working hard on forgiveness you will take away bad/negative energy feeding the victim-status you are in.
Not easy, but what is the alternative? Feeling rightfully upset about the past... and thereby poisoning the future?
I can tell you this will be the future.

What is more important to be righteously depressed, or happily forgiving -and refusing to be a victim of your past?

Now go take you pick
Axélle

[spacial]

At the risk of undoing the constructive comments so far, may I offer a different perspective?

Life doesn't get better because it is what it is. People are crap to you because they just are. Thisng are tough, because that's life.

What can happen, is you can begin to see things differently. You can learn ways to deal with your own frustrations. In another thread, Cindy talks about the benefits of dancing. This is ideal for some people as the rhythm and the improvisations along with professionally created music, tends to divert our attention and gives us an overall feeling of well being. I used to dance and know how good she and others feel.

I have a niece, who in in her early 20 and full of bitterness. She is stunningly pretty. Annoyingly smart. Has more charm than a thousands flowers and tends to be liked by most people. Yet she can't face life. She's currently facing a long prison sentence in a very backward African country and in a panic.

It's a bitch. But she has allowed her behaviour to be dictated by her anger rather than her intelligence. She failed to understand that everyone feels like crap. A poet, I think it was Taupin, once called it, 'The momma doesn't love me blues'. Everyone's been there.

Cindy is doing something. She dances. Some play computer games. Some watch TV. Some punch things, but personally, all that ever did for me was make me tired and angry.

Life doesn't get better. But you do.

[SarahM777]

I just took this portion of your reply to tell you one other thing which comes to mind immediately when reading through it.
The word SHOULD and most often used in a context of something one would have wished for - but which did not happen.

SHOULD is one of the base words for Victim-attitude. Whenever it comes up in your thought processes - WATCH OUT!

Shouldn't that also include would of and could of been better? (Opps)

The other thing is FORGIVENESS.
Easy to say, not by far so easy to ACTUALLY forgive, and not only others but even harder ---- yourself!

Un-forgiveness is like a rucksack on our backs, it takes a lot of energy to hang onto bad-energy which un-forgiveness essentially happens to be.
Victim-attitude needs un-forgiveness, and un-forgiveness needs energy, taking away good energy.

When we're feeling bad and unforgiving toward things in the past, it will NOT change the past, never, BUT... it will constantly change the present so as to become more bad vibrations, and negative energy replicating the past vibes...

Some say, and not knowing what I just said: Look into your past... and you will see your future! How about THAT?

So by working hard on forgiveness you will take away bad/negative energy feeding the victim-status you are in.
Not easy, but what is the alternative? Feeling rightfully upset about the past... and thereby poisoning the future?
I can tell you this will be the future.

What is more important to be righteously depressed, or happily forgiving -and refusing to be a victim of your past?

Far from easy,but there are benefits to that also. (Need to heed my own words) https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,127149.0.html

Just not sure why the memories are coming up now,and they are just adding to the stress I am in now.
I think I am just very frustrated and can not seethe next step and it's driving me crazy.

You Axelle are one wise woman. 

[SarahM777]

At the risk of undoing the constructive comments so far, may I offer a different perspective?

Life doesn't get better because it is what it is. People are crap to you because they just are. Thisng are tough, because that's life.

Somewhere I am missing something,like that little blind spot that is often missed because one can not see it. I am not expecting life to be a bed of roses,just a bit more manageable at this point would be nice.

[Eva Marie]

A lot of good advise in this thread. A lot.

Your past is just that - over your shoulder and done with, can't be changed.

What can be changed is your attitude toward it. Bitterness will eat you up from the inside; if you can work on forgiving all of the stuff that was done to you (note that I did not say forget) that will go a long way toward making you feel better. It is hard but can be done.

Every day is a new day, with new opportunities. If you are looking backward into the past you'll never see the new things that might be coming your way until they go by because you are looking the wrong way.

Like you I had a very troubled past with my family and with my childhood and it took me a long time to get over the bitterness. Those were very dark days for me. I have forgiven the people that were involved in that and have moved on - it's their problem, not mine. And it's important to understand that you were NOT responsible for any abuse that happened either - you weren't. Other people did that.

I do hope that things go a lot better for you going forward. You can PM me if you want to chat more.

[SarahM777]

I am not so concerned about the minor every day type of stuff,like two tires went on the car today,ran the car into the ditch at the end driveway,etc. How does one break the ongoing cycle of going from one major
set back right into the next right into the next.........? It just seems like I just get out of one and then the next starts right on top of it. It frustrates me to no end. I want off the merry go round.

[AbraCadabra]

I am not so concerned about the minor every day type of stuff,like two tires went on the car today,ran the car into the ditch at the end driveway,etc. How does one break the ongoing cycle of going from one major
set back right into the next right into the next.........? It just seems like I just get out of one and then the next starts right on top of it. It frustrates me to no end. I want off the merry go round.

Well, and maybe HERE is where Spacial's- part comes in... so why SHOULD things BE any different?
Because the American Dream WOULD say so? Or because you COULD imagine it to be so much better? Or because of an 'entitlement' to happiness? Hum?

If you stuck in a pattern of negativity, if you cannot forgive yourself having actually ->-bleeped-<-ed up... and keeping count of it all... so as to proof yourself right, even if it was not quite so bad... then, THEN we're set-up to attract more of the same.

How can you be an attractive proposition, genuinely... since people ALWAYS will see you much clearer than you'd think they do, if you are in such a state.

What we THINK... we attract more of... why does that even surprise? Does it?

Axélle
PS: BTW, venting is OK - so long you're not out to prove you total unworthyness... just so you win, and we ... loose, hum.

[SarahM777]

Well, and maybe HERE is where Spacial's- part comes in... so why SHOULD things BE any different?
Because the American Dream WOULD say so? Or because you COULD imagine it to be so much better? Or because of an 'entitlement' to happiness? Hum?

Can I just hope to have a chance to catch my breath in between so I can regain a little bit of strength between the times? The American Dream is a nice ideal but not always reality. If one has food,clothing,shelter,water,air,and basic transportation and some one to care,what more is really needed? The rest is just stuff. There is a whole lot of stuff I really don't need. I can imagine it just a little better to take the some of the stress away. Happiness is fleeting and a lot of times is dependant on circumstances,joy is not.

If you stuck in a pattern of negativity, if you cannot forgive yourself having actually ->-bleeped-<-ed up... and keeping count of it all... so as to proof yourself right, even if it was not quite so bad... then, THEN we're set-up to attract more of the same.

If God has forgiven me who am I to continue to beat myself up? It's no different than forgiving someone else. The hard part is carrying the consequences of some of those things for a long...... time,because it's a constant reminder. (One of the things I am still dealing with)

How can you be an attractive proposition, genuinely... since people ALWAYS will see you much clearer than you'd think they do, if you are in such a state.

What we THINK... we attract more of... why does that even surprise? Does it?

For sure. Pity party's do not go over well.

I have to think about that one.

PS: BTW, venting is OK - so long you're not out to prove you total unworthyness... just so you win, and we ... loose, hum.

A lot of this I have never told anyone. To much other major problems that needed to be dealt with in the here and now. Trying to talk to Luna and Snuggles leaves a little bit to be desired on the feedback. They really do have a limited vocabulary. 

[AbraCadabra]

Maybe on last piece (of the puzzle) to mention is: "LEARNING TO LET GO..."

Many of us (include myself here) have/had been ever so tied up into 'male pattern knots' of trying to do the right things... and so we of course mostly did the 'wrong' things for who we really are.

It's something that will take some time to get one's head around all this... and some of us simply feel they cannot.
I don't see it so much as a failure but simply as a decision. If we decide not to let go of old 'save appearing' patterns of being - feeling unable to let go of a lot of our male socialized past of thinking and (re)acting... that is a decision we make.
In fact a decision motivated by FEAR, more than anything else.

In the end ... we have to learn and let go of at least most of this 'male pattern thinking' and it is not easy... because we worked ever so hard to learn it and acquire it.
It is also something that will make us fail to pass - until we learned to let it go.

Words do come easy, but it is the action of letting go and ONLY that, which will start do make the difference.

I hope this is not too cryptic... once you learned to 'let go', I'm sure you'll understand, if not right now, what it is I'm trying to say.

You see... asking questions, you'll get answers...
Axélle

[spacial]

I'm sorry, that was a bit too blunt. You don't need that right now.

Take care. Hugs

[SarahM777]

Maybe on last piece (of the puzzle) to mention is: "LEARNING TO LET GO..."

It's not easy to let go when the reminders are still there. Being lied to,betrayed,and ripped off by a loved one is not easy to let go,especially when one is still dealing with the consequences. Seven years later still paying off a pile of debt from that episode. If she would just talk to me it would help. Still love my kid sister,don't understand why she did it,would love to hear from her to know she is OK. But no way,no how will I ever trust her again. I couldn't trust her across the street with a ten pound bag of fertilizer.

Many of us (include myself here) have/had been ever so tied up into 'male pattern knots' of trying to do the right things... and so we of course mostly did the 'wrong' things for who we really are.

Too much trying to please everyone else despite whether it's really good for us or not. A lot of it was we were trying to be something we were not.

It's something that will take some time to get one's head around all this... and some of us simply feel they cannot.
I don't see it so much as a failure but simply as a decision. If we decide not to let go of old 'save appearing' patterns of being - feeling unable to let go of a lot of our male socialized past of thinking and (re)acting... that is a decision we make.
In fact a decision motivated by FEAR, more than anything else.

True. Hopefully I think I can have some fun with people,I just don't care anymore if they "see" a "guy" that is very feminine,so what. I am me. I may not be someones else's idea of what I should be,but they are not my judge.

In the end ... we have to learn and let go of at least most of this 'male pattern thinking' and it is not easy... because we worked ever so hard to learn it and acquire it.
It is also something that will make us fail to pass - until we learned to let it go.

Words do come easy, but it is the action of letting go and ONLY that, which will start do make the difference.

If one learns to let go of the all the male patterns before they transition does it help in the long run?

You see... asking questions, you'll get answers...
Axélle

The trick is to learn to ask the questions that help us instead of asking questions that does no good in the long run. 

[SarahM777]

"We stand at the crossroads of gender balanced on the sharp edge of a knife."

That explains it! Of course things get better, hon. Overwhelmed means you're looking at too much at once. Just take one thing at a time. Hugs, Devlyn

Your right. I have spent so much time going from "crisis"to crisis"  that a lot of the rest of the stuff that hasn't been totally dealt with is coming back up. I need to take some time to just get away from things for a while.

[SarahM777]

I'm sorry, that was a bit too blunt. You don't need that right now.

Take care. Hugs

No problem. Blunt isn't always bad. It all depends on how one takes it. And your right,I need to be careful so that I don't get into a pity party. And I am all to aware of where that goes. Been there done that. They are very hard to get out of,and if left go long enough people do not want to be around you at all,because no matter what they say and do,it does change and they also have their own problems to. It ends up being a one way street and that's too much to  keep putting someone else through.

I will be alright. Just need to all that junk out.