What are the biggest red flags to look out for?

[Firecat]

Yea take it at your own pace, really only you will know how fast or slow to go. As for the slowing down the hair loss, pretty sure you can get finasteride or dutastride (i probably butchered the spelling) without going on hormones to slow the hair loss. Those are prescribed to guys for that particular reason or they used to be. So that is one option, but you would probably be better of talking to your GP about those two. They may have other suggestions as well like minoxidil for example.


But it sounds like you are on the right track in determining the best roadmap for yourself

I've been trying for a while now to find out whether or not finasteride would be required after the start of HRT and with the eventual SRS... would you happen to know?

[V M]

Sorry, I'm terrible 

[Firecat]

Hahaha somebody had to at some point!

[Joann]

"Who in their right mind would want to become a 50 y/o woman?"

Indeed, Gender transition at 50+ is the ultimate mid life crises.

[RedFox]

I can see Russia from my house!  But unfortunately, China owns it!



Off-topic, but I couldn't let her have the last word on that.   

[Firecat]

So, for the second time in a row, I have a therapist who thinks the law is a full year of full time is required before HRT can begin... I know this isn't true, because I have more than a couple of MtF friends who started on hormones after only a few months of therapy, no real prior full-time experience.  Its very frustrating to me, because I just know that unless I get to a point where I feel comfortable enough that I will be able to pass, before I can even think about going full time (My last therapist, after I gave my best shot at crossdressing when I showed up for therapy, said I looked obviously male)   Needless to say I'm very put off, especially considering I'm starting from square one all over again. Truthfully, I think this new therapist was actually a downgrade. She doubts I even have GID... maybe I don't, who knows, but I do know I can't ever stop thinking about this, or wanting it just the same.

I can understand the idea of having SOME full-time experience, like going on vacation like Stephe said... in fact, I had some idea of where I'd go for that. But to go full time right off the bat, it's ludicrous.

I'm not trying to rush anything, but at the same time, I'm not going to allow for these unrealistic expectations.  Would I commit to a year full time for SRS? You're right I would. I'd commit 5 years, a decade.... but somehow I feel a bit of a disconnect from HRT requiring a year, in fact it makes no sense to me--I don't look female, I know I couldn't pass for one as is... and yet they expect me to... what. Out myself to anyone and everyone I know, live under constant ridicule, endangering every relationship I know on a hunch that I need to test the waters?  And yes I expect it to be very hard on my relationships, and that's why I know I need to be certain its what I want before I out myself, but there has to be another way to do it.

I know I need to test the waters, but I also know that when I dress as the girl, I get badly depressed by what I see in the mirror.  My plan was always this;  hold onto my horrible, horrible job with insurance long enough to get therapy and to a point where I can start HRT... then I would move to a location where I could try maybe going part time, then eventually full time. I would know, yes, my body is undergoing drastic changes, and there was always that possibility that I may be wrong... but I can live with it if I am. Being wrong, and potentially growing a pair of breasts would be an acceptable trade to know I tried and gained peace of mind.  And if I was able to go live elsewhere for a while during this period, and found that you know... maybe it wasn't for me, then fine! okay! I can come up with an excuse for any of the changes  I experienced.

My old therapist sat down and looked at the actual laws of starting HRT... three months therapy, dealing with the outlying psychiatric issues, SOME experience in the chosen gender role... that was mainly it.  So...  I don't know, I'm feeling dazed and extremely put off at the moment.

[peky]

So, for the second time in a row, I have a therapist who thinks the law is a full year of full time is required before HRT can begin... I know this isn't true, because I have more than a couple of MtF friends who started on hormones after only a few months of therapy, no real prior full-time experience.  Its very frustrating to me, because I just know that unless I get to a point where I feel comfortable enough that I will be able to pass, before I can even think about going full time (My last therapist, after I gave my best shot at crossdressing when I showed up for therapy, said I looked obviously male)   Needless to say I'm very put off, especially considering I'm starting from square one all over again. Truthfully, I think this new therapist was actually a downgrade. She doubts I even have GID... maybe I don't, who knows, but I do know I can't ever stop thinking about this, or wanting it just the same.

I'm not trying to rush anything, but at the same time, I'm not going to allow for these unrealistic expectations.  Would I commit to a year full time for SRS? You're right I would. I'd commit 5 years, a decade.... but somehow I feel a bit of a disconnect from HRT requiring a year, in fact it makes no sense to me--I don't look female, I know I couldn't pass for one as is... and yet they expect me to... what. Out myself to anyone and everyone I know, live under constant ridicule, endangering every relationship I know on a hunch that I need to test the waters?  And yes I expect it to be very hard on my relationships, and that's why I know I need to be certain its what I want before I out myself.

I know I need to test the waters, but I also know that when I dress as the girl, I get badly depressed by what I see in the mirror.  My plan was always this;  hold onto my horrible, horrible job with insurance long enough to get therapy and to a point where I can start HRT... then I would move to a location where I could try maybe going part time, then eventually full time. I would know, yes, my body is undergoing drastic changes, and there was always that possibility that I may be wrong... but I can live with it if I am. Being wrong, and potentially growing a pair of breasts would be an acceptable trade to know I tried and gained peace of mind.  And if I was able to go live elsewhere for a while during this period, and found that you know... maybe it wasn't for me, then fine! okay! I can come up with an excuse for any of the changes  I experienced.

Make a plan as how to get in a comfortable finantial situation before anything else, this is you first priority. Once you secure the money, the rest would be more easy.

So, go to a trade school or college, but do not fell into the trap of being consumed by passing and transitioning to the point of end up homeless.

[Firecat]

I've been holding onto a bad, $8 an hour job after 4 years just for the sake of the insurance... and on a daily basis, I am miserable, depressed, and it has killed my social life, and haven't seen a single raise. What I really want is to give it the middle finger, pack my things, and move. Far far away. But instead, I've been putting up with it just for the sake of this dream >.<   If I could find another source of insurance so I could pay for my therapy, I'd be so far gone. 

But you're right, I need to remain safe and secure, and that's my #1 thing.  I need to become independent... and for the time being, that means not risking outing myself to my parents or family or friends, risking rejection and possibly even killing potential safety nets.

[Keaira]

Transition definitely doesn't fix everything. You can and do lose something in the process that means a lot to you, like friends and/or family for instance So if you are going in thinking it's all rainbows and unicorns, you are more than likely going to be in for a shock. Rushing in is  not a good idea. It takes careful planing and time. All transition is, is swapping one set of problems for another, but ones that you can function and work at solving and not floundering and shutting down as you ignore them. As a male, I was doing well. I had a good job, family, etc. After transition I lost a few friends, I'm discriminated against at work and I have to work twice as hard at my job because I dont get any help from other techs on my shift. Why did I transition? because I couldn't function anymore. I was getting suicidal and I was still angry at the world. I knew who I was but no one wanted me to be that person. No matter what I did, I never seemed to be able to be happy. Until now.

[Stephe]

I can understand the idea of having SOME full-time experience, like going on vacation like Stephe said... in fact, I had some idea of where I'd go for that. But to go full time right off the bat, it's ludicrous.

Actually I lived full time for 3 years before I considered HRT. I think you are putting too much faith that HRT is going to magically make you pass. It usually doesn't. Maybe -along with a bunch of others things- it helps.

Out myself to anyone and everyone I know, live under constant ridicule, endangering every relationship I know on a hunch that I need to test the waters?

The reality for me was none of the above happened. I suppose it does depend on where you live but I wouldn't call where I live as "TG friendly" given all the rednecks that live where I do.  I see this same "I will get killed if I can't be stealth" comments from people who have never been there. It's a reasonable thing to expect but the reality is, people really don't care that much about what other people do. I lost one friend from this and gained at least a dozen in their place. My family was fine and I think they suspected this anyway.

I know you don't have to live full time for a year to get on HRT but I honestly am not sure you are ready to start transition yet. HRT just isn't this magic pill that solves all the problems with transition and honestly, I see it as a very small part of this that for many people is actually optional. I would say unless you can live right now with boobs, then what are you gonna do when that is a reality?

[Firecat]

I only feel like being on the HRT would give me more confidence if nothing else... it would be something tangible, something to show me that I'm not just grasping at straws, something is really happening.  The HRT would help me with my excess body hair issue, as it grows in so thick and fast, its disgusting, and its spreading rapidly all over me. I know my facial hair would need to be lasered, and I know there are other methods of controlling hair loss... but I'm at this point where I'm finding I just need to get on with this, that delaying will only make me feel worse and worse.

The only family I even have contact with is my brother and mother, and to a lesser extent my father. I know my brother is okay with the idea, my mother will never be okay with it... and my father... well, I only talk to him on the phone once a month, and see him two days a year now anyways... I have several friends, some online some offline. Every one of them I've told about this (minus the one who said he'd kill me) has been super cool with it. Its just that its my personal preference that while yes I need to get out on the town and experience some things through the eyes of a female, I should be afforded certain measures for comfort within the near to mid future.

If my therapist were to say... okay, show up here from now on fully dressed, go out at least once every other week to a public place, by yourself or with friends... socialize and interact with others... yeah, okay fine. And we can even build up from there... once every other week becomes once a week... then maybe even once one week and twice the next. But the act of going full time female means you've already committed to the deal, and as such should granted the added benefit of the HRT as well as maybe even information on local voice trainers. 

Tests are tests, commitments are commitments, and I'm more than happy to do either. I'm more than happy to take the steps necessary to go out on the town crossdressing... go to the local gay bar for drag night or what have you, go with a friend or go alone. And I'm more than happy to say that I won't commit to hormones until I'm ready to go full time, but I'm also not going to go full time until I've been allowed the hormones... if that makes sense.

No they aren't a magical pill that will make my problems go away, but to me its a milestone that I'm working for. My friends tell me that I may look male for the most part, I do have a lot of potential as far as looking and sounding feminine, I've just never really fine tuned my look or voice. Truthfully I want the ability to look my friends and family in the eyes and tell them flat out that I've found something that will make me happy, that I've committed a lot of time, effort, and money into this, and that I am not backing out... and I want to be able to show them something tangible for my efforts, as otherwise a lot of people just think I'm either a hypochondriac or some other nonsense. Especially my mother.


But that's my ramble for the evening, not sure if it made sense or not

[MadelineB]

Hi Firecat,
Hang in there! If you are having difficulty with clueless therapists or healthcare providers, they may be dealing with some very out of date information. We are rare enough creatures that many therapists go through there career without working with one of us. If you can't find providers that are up to date, you can try to educate. One resource that should help you a great deal with that is the current version of the Standard of Care (SOC) of the World Professional Association of Transgender Health (WPATH). It is the consensus opinion of all the world's experts on transgender care.  Here's a link where you or your providers can download a free copy. The current edition is version 7, published in 2011:

http://www.wpath.org/documents/Standards%20of%20Care%20V7%20-%202011%20WPATH.pdf

If a provider won't follow the SOC, fire them and move on. But many providers can be brought up to speed, they just don't know where to go to learn.

WPATH's main page is here: http://www.wpath.org/

[Cindy]

I'm not sure if this helps in anyway but I came to Australia from the UK with the intent of undergoing SRS. It was a vague uncertain plan. I had no real idea of how to go about it, and I had no money. A good starting point.

I met a woman who fancied me and chased me and I told her about the female me and she was comfortable with that. She was happy for me to "cross-dress' and to go out as female but wasn't happy for me to live as full time me.

I promised her I wouldn't.

Now she will never be able to live at home again and I decided it was time to be me. I felt that my promise not to live as me was no longer valid.

I was quite surprised in how quickly I took up the idea and completed living as me full time. It felt totally natural. Scary yes, but natural.  Problems arose but I had no bad times dealing with them, in fact I was stunned in how few problems there actually were. Fear was the greatest problem but fear can be overcome. And indeed when I faced my fears they dissipated.

Yes I was ready, I didn't really know that or that I understood it. But as I took the steps it was obvious to me, and then to people around me that I was correct in my thoughts and decisions.

I think for me the validation of my decisions are my personal happiness and my acceptance by colleagues who have never met a TG person before, and knew me for 20+ years and totally accepted my femininity - to a point where the comment, 'see, you were born female, you just hid it' is common from my female colleagues.

How do you know the decision is right for you? I don't think that can be answered. It was right for me and I knew it was.

It was very obvious to me. I didn't even need to think about it. The discussions about RLT and going FT were based on the mechanics rather than the problems. In the end I just went to work in female clothing and that was that. After I changed my name I went to the female toilets. I haven't asked permission from anyone. I changed my gender markers on my employment documents. I didn't ask anyone. I changed my gender markers on my official documents such as licences etc and just told the clerical staff to change it. No one said no.

Is my gender legally changed? I don't think so but the smoke trail is such that few people can find out.


Is changing your sex what you want to do?

No one can answer that but you.

And no matter how you canvas the question no one can answer it but you.

I have now burnt every bridge to my male persona.  There is no going back. I'm very happy about that.

If you can say the same, you have an answer.

Cindy

[Apples Mk.II]

The HRT would help me with my excess body hair issue, as it grows in so thick and fast, its disgusting, and its spreading rapidly all over me.

I used to hate my body hair, but I got used to spending between 30 and 45 minutes every week shaving the 100%, and twice per week with my arms and hands. It is not fun, but developing a habit helps. A Philips bodygroom will help you in keeping the overall hair level. It is not perfect, but it helps with balancing the image.

[Stephe]

......... I should be afforded certain measures for comfort within the near to mid future.

........ I've just never really fine tuned my look or voice. Truthfully I want the ability to look my friends and family in the eyes and tell them flat out that I've found something that will make me happy, that I've committed a lot of time, effort, and money into this, and that I am not backing out... and I want to be able to show them something tangible for my efforts, as otherwise a lot of people just think I'm either a hypochondriac or some other nonsense. Especially my mother.

In no way is this process comfortable. It WILL scare the crap out of you many times. It still is a leaf of faith everyday for me, believing I am passably a woman. Until this faith is strong, it's scary to walk out the door. Nothing other than experience/self confidence is going to change that.

On the second point, until you spend the time and effort to fine tune at least your look, no one will take this seriously. It's not easy for any of us to develop a convincing look that makes us look presentable. ALL MTF have features they need to downplay to look passable and it takes a while + some honest feedback to discover what works and what doesn't. As much as I would LOVE to wear a strapless sundress, I know I look ridiculous in them. Taking estrogen without investing the time to develop a look isn't going to convince anyone. No, the therapist should not require you to look like a woman when you come to a session. But that you don't want to on your own also says something to me.

I recall meeting this transgirl who was "starting out". I met her at a local park to talk about stuff. She shows up looking completely like a guy and explains she has been on HRT for nine months and proudly shows me she is wearing mascara under her dark sunglasses. After checking of course to make sure no one was looking. I didn't take her as being serious and honestly was shocked someone would have her on HRT at this point.

On the hair issue etc, have you discussed maybe getting on an AA to control this and as a starting point to stop any further damage until you do figure this out? My GP put me on AA without a hormone letter but wouldn't prescribe E until I was. Then again I had already been living full time for years before I did any of that...

[Firecat]

Yeah I tried three times now to get put onto an AA, but the doctor all three times told me "You're so young, your hair looks fine, the cause looks genetic, you don't want to be taking stuff like that, the side effects wouldn't be worth it."

[suzifrommd]

On the second point, until you spend the time and effort to fine tune at least your look, no one will take this seriously. It's not easy for any of us to develop a convincing look that makes us look presentable.

Gotta disagree. I know several MtF's who don't pass and don't twist themselves in knots trying. They get taken very seriously.

[Stephe]

Gotta disagree. I know several MtF's who don't pass and don't twist themselves in knots trying. They get taken very seriously.

So they are in guy mode 24/7 and people take their transition seriously?

[Apples Mk.II]

I recall meeting this transgirl who was "starting out". I met her at a local park to talk about stuff. She shows up looking completely like a guy and explains she has been on HRT for nine months and proudly shows me she is wearing mascara under her dark sunglasses. After checking of course to make sure no one was looking. I didn't take her as being serious and honestly was shocked someone would have her on HRT at this point.

Urgh, I could never do that. I'm not confident enough to go on RLE before HRT and FFS and I can´t move to a safe city, but I keep trying to alter my clothing and presentation within acceptable limits. I can't stand looking like a dude anymore, but altering the wardrobe and learning about the correct clothing styles takes a long time. getting to androgynous / genderfork would help a lot as an intermediate step (For me crossdressing is a direct ticked to depression).


The make up is a lost cause, and no matter what they say, I'm not using mascara and eyeliner. It is the thing I'd like most, but accidents keep happening and I am too nervous to get things close to my eyes (I can't even wear contacts, and I already had too many accidents applying that cr*p. It is not compatible with my current skin and eyelids configuration). Maybe a bit of concealer for my dark circles on the eyes or matte powder to cover the shiny T area, but absolutely not doing a fully painted monkey.

[Firecat]

Urgh, I could never do that. I'm not confident enough to go on RLE before HRT and FFS and I can´t move to a safe city, but I keep trying to alter my clothing and presentation within acceptable limits. I can't stand looking like a dude anymore, but altering the wardrobe and learning about the correct clothing styles takes a long time. getting to androgynous / genderfork would help a lot as an intermediate step (For me crossdressing is a direct ticked to depression).


The make up is a lost cause, and no matter what they say, I'm not using mascara and eyeliner. It is the thing I'd like most, but accidents keep happening and I am too nervous to get things close to my eyes (I can't even wear contacts, and I already had too many accidents applying that cr*p. It is not compatible with my current skin and eyelids configuration). Maybe a bit of concealer for my dark circles on the eyes or matte powder to cover the shiny T area, but absolutely not doing a fully painted monkey.

I'm the same way with crossdressing, it makes me very depressed. And now, I'm feeling more hopeless than ever about it all.  All I've ever wanted is to find a therapist who understands my needs, and can help me cope and work through, rather than lumping in as a textbook case (or as with my new therapist who doesn't think I have GID at all...) But regardless what happens, I refuse to go for any facial surgery apart from hair removal, so the hormones will be the one and only thing that will affect it aside from makeup and cleaning up.