Dating and being a gay transman

[deejayk]

So, I'm a gay transman. I'm 20, never dated, never been kissed etc etc and all this is making me feel terrible. I don't even have friends, but that's another thing. I have tried chatting with some guys, some of which tell me that we could meet but when I tell them I'm trans, they don't talk to me anymore. I was wondering if someone can give me some tips?

[Zerro]

I'd make friends, first. Don't feel bad about being single and having never been kissed, it's not a bad thing at all. I dunno where you are in your transition, but a lot of gay cis men will be put off by a trans man, especially one who is "pre" everything - hormones, surgery, etc. Some might even be uncomfortable with a guy who's had bottom surgery. It happens, don't be discouraged. Everyone has boundaries and preferences, and that's okay.

There are men out there who will find you attractive and want to date you for you, it just takes time to find them. For the time being, why not build a nice little network of friends to hang out with and get to know better? Take it slow and easy and enjoy the experience of meeting new people. If you happen to start something with someone, just go at a comfortable pace. You don't have to disclose to everyone, hell, I kind of shy away from disclosing if I don't think the relationship is going to go anywhere physically. Do what feels right.

[Phoeniks]

Hi there,

It could be easier to meet some trans friendly gays online? One option is trying OkCupid - there seems to be a big amount of trans and queer people even if the page itself isn't trans-oriented at all. It takes a while to start finding them, though. Another good one is Qruiser, a big queer online dating page, though most people there are from Northern Europe. And I've heard of some trans-oriented online dating pages, too.

I'd love to meet some trans-friendly gay men, too, but since I'm still in the awkward "dunno what gender I am" -phase, I'm just saying I'm a queer female right now and mostly talk with girls.

[deejayk]

Thanks for the advice people!
Friends:I have tried making friends but they either have a couple of conversations and then they stop talking to me or else tell me that they're fine with being trans and then after months tell me I'm not a guy cause I I don't have a dick.
Dating sites: That's from where people say they want to meet me until I say I'm trans.I had this guy from Tumblr who came first,said he was ok with me being trans left after 5 days and said he was just horny when he said he loves me

[Natkat]

seams your been pretty unlucky in your types.

Do you have any comunety for transfolks in your area? maybe you could get some transfriends, so you wouldnt have to worry about those ignorant comments and bad comming out experience,
also they could introduce you to some of there friends.

I tend to be rather nervous at times because I also had bad experience with certain folks not accepting me, but usunally if some of my trans friends introduce me to some cisgenders I feel more claim cause I got the "if they accept him they will also accept me" way of thinking.

I think as well friends is more important, it would also be more easy finding someone if you have friends.

[deejayk]

No community for trans folks in the whole country - I live in Malta. I guess that I'm really unlucky.

[Natkat]

No community for trans folks in the whole country - I live in Malta. I guess that I'm really unlucky.

What about ULGBTS?
no help there?

[deejayk]

//scratches head What is ULGBTS? Sorry I'm dumb

[Natkat]

//scratches head What is ULGBTS? Sorry I'm dumb

universaty of malta GLBT sociaty, something I just found
http://ulgbts.tripod.com/index.html

[deejayk]

Ah, it's called "We Are" now. I am not a University student but went to one of their meetings. Very small group, no trans folk save me and mostly lesbians. Felt extremely powerless and hopeless after meeting and went home crying for some reason.

[Natkat]

i'm sorry about that.
But keep trying, maybe you will get luck as said try focus on the friend thing first, its manly more easy to get friend than to get a lover.

[Icarus389]

i'm sorry about that.
But keep trying, maybe you will get luck as said try focus on the friend thing first, its manly more easy to get friend than to get a lover.

^^^^^ that is incredibly true!

I have a few friends that are transmen dating drag queens. I don't know if that would be something you'd be into, but most people in the drag community that I've met seem open to dating people on a wide spectrum of gender.

[deejayk]

As long as the person doesn't identify as female, I would date him. But then I am afraid of going to clubs. Right now I'm even actually isolating myself even online. I'm really sick of getting told to commit suicide.

[dalebert]

I'm really sick of getting told to commit suicide.

O M G

[deejayk]

Yeah OMG. Totally out of topic but I have been receiving online for quite a while.

[dalebert]

I posted this in the "What did you dream about" thread but maybe it belongs here too. Just a peak into the insecurities that abound from my subconscious mind.

I was visiting old friends in Atlanta. I think I was at Gaylaxicon. A bunch of guys were suddenly getting frisky and hooking up for sex. (This is not how it goes, btw! I mean, it's not quite THAT crazy, hehe) Anyway, this guy comes up to me who looks exactly like Cillian Murphy, though I don't recognize him as such in the dream. He looked familiar, like I had met him previously, and I found him attractive, so he's not a complete stranger to me. I remember thinking that I hope this isn't just a one-time thing and that he'll want to date afterward, but I realize it doesn't seem very likely from the situation and that makes me kind of sad. We immediately start getting undressed and are feeling each other up and he has an AMAZING body, very lean and fit. Then he drops his pants and I realize he's trans. This doesn't matter to me but I get the feeling that he is trying really hard to act super-confident and it's almost like he's testing me to see how I'll react and I'm really worried about reacting the wrong way and upsetting him and I definitely don't want to stop what we're doing. He appears to have had some minor bottom surgery, just enough to change aesthetics a little. I try to just carry on and not make an issue of any of this but he seems to suddenly lose interest and gets up and leaves like I failed whatever test he was doing. I tried to find him again later in the dream to talk to him but I didn't see him again.

[Icarus389]

As long as the person doesn't identify as female, I would date him. But then I am afraid of going to clubs. Right now I'm even actually isolating myself even online. I'm really sick of getting told to commit suicide.

Being told to commit suicide is bulls$%t. No one should have to deal with that crap in their life.

As far as I know, the queens in the relationships are just fluid in their genders. One couple is actually expecting a baby girl in the next week or so. I live in a very interesting city 

[Taka]

Right now I'm even actually isolating myself even online. I'm really sick of getting told to commit suicide.

urgh.. that's horrible. quit dating sites and join a community where people share at least one of the same interests as you, apart from dating. reject people who hit on you just because they're desperate (without telling you're trans), and focus on getting friends who'll give you some self confidence. if you manage to connect on a friendly level, they might just accept you as trans too

[jamesindc]

I identify as a gay transman as well. I just started T last Monday, so today was my second shot. I'm unable to bind due to chest size and my weight overall (though I'm working at losing weight now). It'll be several years before I can save up enough for chest surgery, so that upsets me.

Personally, I don't date or have sex because of not having the chest surgery done and not having had time for T to do it's thing. Mentally, it would be too difficult for me to think about my chest and date, no matter how much T changed me otherwise. I'm going to be 25 in a month and I've never dated anyone because I knew that it would make me more depressed. It makes me feel stuck, but until I get chest surgery I won't date because I know it will only increase the uneasiness with my breasts.

Maybe you're in a different situation, but to me I get really uncomfortable with how I look on the outside ("female"-wise at least) vs what I want to do about it. To me it's always been lack of insurance and/or needing $$, so it will take a while before I date.

James

[deejayk]

I'm 11 weeks on T, still pre-op, but I never had/have excessive dysphoria. My chest ain't big and it doesn't bother me much. I don't bind because of health concerns. But I think I'm confident enough to start dating. All I need is someone to accept me the way I accept myself. I am a person who loves being with people but people hate being with me. Being alone makes me feel depressed - me being trans never gave me so much trouble as being alone does.