Today has been a very awkward day for me. My Dad is away, so it's one of the very rare chances I get to be the 'real me'. I couldn't this morning however, as my mother came round for a visit. We were on the discussion of her mother and why my Gran is depressed. "What's she got to be depressed about, she hasn't worked a day in her life!". Long story short, we got on to the cause of depression not being revealed by the 'victim', for personal reasons. I gave her hypothetical scenarios in which my Gran may be suffering depression yet not revealing why, for the good of those around her. "Maybe she feels as though she is in the latter stages of her life, yet doesn't want to say anything because it will upset you and Granddad." Maybe she feels as though she wants to go and do something with her last few years and not be a housewife, yet if she did that Granddad wouldn't be able to cope.". She didn't really accept this, and said you should always do what is best for you. So I gave her a hypothetical scenario involving me. However, it wasn't hypothetical.. I just convinced her it was.
I asked her to imagine how I would feel, if 'hypothetically' I suffered from gender dysphoria (I had to explain it to her
). She didn't follow completely, so I just asked her how she would feel if I wanted to undergo a sex change, and become a girl in order to make me feel happy. She has always suspected I might be gay, so just told me I don't need to be a girl to like boys. I told her I knew that, but there isn't anything wrong with transexuals, and told her she needs to imagine just how awful they must feel, waking up feeling as though they are in the wrong gender every day of their life. I asked her 'hypothetically' whether she would be ok with me if I 'was' suffering from gender dysphoria, and wanted to become a girl. She said no. Just dismissed it just like that. She said it'd be "Too embarrassing" and not normal. "You were born a boy, so you would become a man. I would hate it if you were to become a woman, that's just not right.". I quickly changed the subject and reminded her it was a hypothetical scenario, as I felt I was beginning to get upset. She said she knew I was just using it as an example, but it's still difficult to even consider for her.
So that made me quite upset. I was actually looking forward to 'being me' for the afternoon and evening, but now i'm sitting here watching the football and actually considering to purge all my clothes. Ugh.
