Susan's Place Logo

News:

Please be sure to review The Site terms of service, and rules to live by

Main Menu

new neighbour, neighbor?

Started by oZma, October 23, 2012, 06:23:02 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

oZma

my text gives me both suggestions... which one is correct? what do they mean?

ummm OK so the vacant apartment right next to me got rented.  I live in a triplex.  well first off, I'm a 27 year old trans if you haven't read my previous complaining threats. 

so a 25 year old girl, about the same height as me just moved in and she is new to the city and has totally insinuated that is cool I live next to her to have someone to hang out with.

now my mind goes in directions.

1. we become good friends, she helps me accept this trans asterix next to my name and I have a girlfriend to go out worth and we make new friends and they all know I'm trans and are on with it!

2. when she finds out I'm trans, she thinks I'm a freak and now I have to deal with a super awkward neighbor! uggh and she calls me a freak, a weirdo and makes fun of me :-(

or I avoid her and never attempt to be friends only to prevent telling her I'm a ->-bleeped-<-!


why is it that I feel the need to tell everyone I know I'm trans.  like I have Ebola and they just need to be aware or something?  like I bet  if I hang out with this girl a bunch and don't tell her, she will get mad and be like 'how come you didn't tell me?' ugghh, I shouldn't have to tell anybody!
  •  

Lady Autumn

Personally I don't think you should have to tell anybody. I bet this other girl doesn't go around blabbing her biological history. You could try hanging out with her occasionally to try and find out what sort of person she is and goes from her.
If you do choose to be discreet she has no right to have the reaction: "Why didn't you tell me?" I highly doubt she would bring her vagina up in conversation!
No spring nor summer beauty hath such grace, as I have seen in one autumnal face.
~John Donne~  :D
  •  

Kelly J. P.

 I don't think you have to tell her, either, if you don't want to. It doesn't really matter to her, unless you want to move beyond 'friends'. 

If you feel you absolutely have to tell her if you want to be friends with her, then I guess it's probably better that you do tell her. If she reacts well, then you have a friends, and if not... then you don't. Whereas simply not becoming friends with her would never result in becoming friends.

I support not telling her though. :)

It's neighbour, by the way - at least, unless you're American.
  •  

oZma

but for some reason I feel like people think they have a right to know if they are interacting with a transsexual.  maybe its just my internal transphobia? maybe because I still think I'm a pervert for wearing girl clothes? maybe I just think purple automatically hate me first without knowing me because I'm trans? granted I know there are people on both sides... those that accept and those that hate and I'm tired of trying to determine who is who! ugggg
  •  

A

I can't do much more than agree with Kelly. Especially outside couple relationships, it's often much less likely than people think that people will have a negative reaction to your being trans.

And I think that for "neighbour"/"neighbor", it goes:

-Neighbor in the US
-Neighbour (preferred) or neighbor (accepted) in Canada
-Neighbour in the UK and Australia

As for telling her... No, I don't think people have a right to know they're interacting with a transsexual. If that were the case, transsexuals wouldn't exist; they'd all be transgendered/non-conforming people. Because a transsexual, by definition, wants to be a woman (for a MTF), not someone who wants to be a woman.

Personally, I think you shouldn't lie, but shouldn't say it out of the blue either. To me, going out and say "I'm a transsexual" without a reason is roughly equivalent to saying "oh, by the way, I was born with a malformation and had a tail as a baby". Resulting in a reaction of fearing you as a weird person, not because you're trans, but because you said you were. "Why on Earth did you want to tell me about your tail?" It's roughly the same.

And even if that doesn't happen, it would sound a bit like saying one of your shortcomings as the first thing on a date or job interview. "Before you decide whether you want to be my lover, you should know that I am clumsy when kissing." The heck? Well, you get the message.

Now, after the relationship develops, if a situation arises where either you really feel it's appropriate to say it or you would have to lie not to say it, tell away, but I don't think you should unless you need to, to some degree.

...Lol, Tessa stole my place with a much more concise interpretation.
A's Transition Journal
Last update: June 11th, 2012
No more updates
  •  

Lady Autumn

Quote from: oZma on October 23, 2012, 07:07:57 PM
but for some reason I feel like people think they have a right to know if they are interacting with a transsexual.  maybe its just my internal transphobia? maybe because I still think I'm a pervert for wearing girl clothes? maybe I just think purple automatically hate me first without knowing me because I'm trans? granted I know there are people on both sides... those that accept and those that hate and I'm tired of trying to determine who is who! ugggg

Screw your internal trans-phobia, it needs to die anyway! Nobody has a right to know except you and possibly your partner. And if you think a genetic male is a pervert for wearing girls clothes?... If you think Eddie Izzard is a pervert than you and me Missy are going to have words!!
No spring nor summer beauty hath such grace, as I have seen in one autumnal face.
~John Donne~  :D
  •  

Alainaluvsu

Quote from: TessaM on October 23, 2012, 07:13:18 PM
You have a new friend. Dont tell her your trans. Why bother, honestly? I havent told any one of my new friends that I am trans because there is no need to. I wonder if I should ever tell some, sure, but it never dominated my thoughts. And lmao why do you feel like you should disclose that your trans, like its anyones business? I dont see girls going out one night and then one of them says something like "oh btw I had an abortion once." People would be like WTF? Just chill!

I agree...

If that's what you tell her right off the bat, that's what she's going to see you as. The longer you let her get to know you, whether she figures it out or not, the more likely that being trans is going to be a big thing in her mind while relating with you.
To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are.



  •  

MaidofOrleans

I'm going to play devils advocate and say tell her.

However mention it casually when getting to know her as if its no big deal. If its a big deal to you its going to be a big deal to her. Be confident in yourself and who you are and people will be more comfortable around you.

A lot of girls on here seem to think you shouldn't have to tell her, what business is it of hers, yadadada. That's all fine and dandy, but she may find out later and consider it deception on your part. We may not think its their business or a big deal but sadly that's not how the public views us.
"For transpeople, using the right pronoun is NOT simply a 'political correctness' issue. It's core to the entire struggle transpeople go through. Using the wrong pronoun means 'I don't recognize you as who you are.' It means 'I think you're confused, delusional, or mentally I'll.'. It means 'you're not important enough for me to acknowledge your struggle.'"
  •  

Brooke777

I would say if something dealing with your past, or something like that you should just tell her about being born in a male body. That way you aren't just randomly telling her you are trans. Just my opinion.
  •  

Kelly J. P.

Quote from: MaidofOrleans on October 23, 2012, 09:28:58 PM

A lot of girls on here seem to think you shouldn't have to tell her, what business is it of hers, yadadada. That's all fine and dandy, but she may find out later and consider it deception on your part. We may not think its their business or a big deal but sadly that's not how the public views us.

Using your idea that being trans is no big deal, it would make just as much sense not to tell someone because it's no big deal - it didn't come to mind. It's not deception if you didn't consider it important enough to say, and if whoever it is is going to take offence to not knowing that sort of thing, then they'll probably be oversensitive and too clingy anyway.
  •  

Lady Autumn

Quote from: Kelly J. P. on October 23, 2012, 09:47:19 PM
Using your idea that being trans is no big deal, it would make just as much sense not to tell someone because it's no big deal - it didn't come to mind. It's not deception if you didn't consider it important enough to say, and if whoever it is is going to take offence to not knowing that sort of thing, then they'll probably be oversensitive and too clingy anyway.

Well said! ;D
No spring nor summer beauty hath such grace, as I have seen in one autumnal face.
~John Donne~  :D
  •  

Alainaluvsu

Quote from: MaidofOrleans on October 23, 2012, 09:28:58 PM
but she may find out later and consider it deception on your part. We may not think its their business or a big deal but sadly that's not how the public views us.

If she thinks it's deception, then she would never have viewed her as female anyways. I have found it pretty amazing how the world treats the trans women that pass as pretty much like any other female that would maybe be sterile or something. Barring dating sites, the people I run into that find out somehow have never been like "You tricked me!" They have always been "Wow... that's crazy" and continue using the right pronouns.  Some even go so far as to say "Oh my God it's hard for me to believe you were EVER a guy!" ... and the intriguing questions begin (which I think one should be comfortable with too, but that is a totally different topic).

If anybody ever had the attitude that I tricked them, then they can carry themselves out of my life because I don't want somebody looking at me being trans as some sort of deception. I'm being who I am comfortable being and if that's too hard for you to conceive to the point where you take offense, then honestly you are not socially advanced enough for me to even bother with.
To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are.



  •  

JoanneB

Quote from: oZma on October 23, 2012, 07:07:57 PM
but for some reason I feel like people think they have a right to know if they are interacting with a transsexual.  maybe its just my internal transphobia? maybe because I still think I'm a pervert for wearing girl clothes? maybe I just think purple automatically hate me first without knowing me because I'm trans? granted I know there are people on both sides... those that accept and those that hate and I'm tired of trying to determine who is who! ugggg

Telling right off does not give anyone a chance to know you, to see that you are just like any other woman. Telling them right off is playing into their possible and your own transphobia. Most people fear what they do not know. Most people only know about trans folks from Jerry Springer or hookers in movies or TV.

The totally closed minded folks you will likely never change their opinions, even if they thought you were the coolest person on the planet before you told them. THe end result is the same between telling them early on, or wait untill they ask "the question" because of things they heard around.

The others, even though they might not think you are the totally coolest person but a person nevertheless will think first, Hey she is OK. I guess they all aren't all like the ones on Jerry Springer. So which person do you want them to see you as, A Springer gal or a real life gal?

The only person that has a "Right" to know, especially if you are pre-op, is a possible love interest. This old romantic would like to think that again, they got a chance to know the person before the relationship got serious.
.          (Pile Driver)  
                    |
                    |
                    ^
(ROCK) ---> ME <--- (HARD PLACE)
  •  

MaidofOrleans

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on October 23, 2012, 10:16:51 PM
If she thinks it's deception, then she would never have viewed her as female anyways.

Not true. A person could simply see it as a lack of trust in not telling them. People are different and react differently. The feeling of being deceived could have nothing to do with their trans status but simply the fact they kept such a big secret from them. Always better to be up front with everybody.

I prefer people to see me and treat me as I am and I am a transgender woman and that is how I view myself. I guess if I wanted to be treated like a cis woman I could not tell people but then I would not be true to myself. The fact is, I am not a cis woman and never will be. If someone respects me enough then they should have no problem treating me like a female despite knowing I use to be male.

I guess it's a matter of opinion and how someone views themselves but I prefer being totally up front about things because I want people to accept me for what I am and not what they think I am. Also better not to leave peoples opinions up to chance. I couldn't stand building relationships with people only to lose them down the line because I wasn't up front.
"For transpeople, using the right pronoun is NOT simply a 'political correctness' issue. It's core to the entire struggle transpeople go through. Using the wrong pronoun means 'I don't recognize you as who you are.' It means 'I think you're confused, delusional, or mentally I'll.'. It means 'you're not important enough for me to acknowledge your struggle.'"
  •  

Kelly J. P.

Quote from: MaidofOrleans on October 23, 2012, 11:02:33 PM
I guess it's a matter of opinion and how someone views themselves but I prefer being totally up front about things because I want people to accept me for what I am and not what they think I am. Also better not to leave peoples opinions up to chance. I couldn't stand building relationships with people only to lose them down the line because I wasn't up front.

I can totally understand this point. I wish the world were a better place, allowing for such a philosophy to be more practical, because I hate thinking that someone I know might hate me if they found out I was trans - I wouldn't want to be friends with a person like that, but I would hate to lose a friend over something so petty.
  •  

tekla

Maybe she already knows.  Despite all the people who write about how well the so perfectly pass and are in deep stealth, the fact is that as more people become aware then more people can tell a lot more.  Kind of an expansion of the 'nobody passes in San Francisco' deal.  So don't' bring it up, and if its comes up, don't lie.
FIGHT APATHY!, or don't...
  •  

Ms. OBrien CVT

Why tell?  Do you plan on having an intimate relationship with her.  Or is she just a friend and neighbor.  There is no reason to tell anyone unless there is a chance that for a romantic relationship.

If by chance, you become BFFs, then maybe you could tell.  But by then it wouldn't matter.  Would you tell everyone you have a tapeworm or a UTI?

  
It does not take courage or bravery to change your gender.  It takes fear of living one more day in the wrong one.~me
  •  

Alainaluvsu

Quote from: MaidofOrleans on October 23, 2012, 11:02:33 PM
Not true. A person could simply see it as a lack of trust in not telling them. People are different and react differently. The feeling of being deceived could have nothing to do with their trans status but simply the fact they kept such a big secret from them. Always better to be up front with everybody.

I prefer people to see me and treat me as I am and I am a transgender woman and that is how I view myself. I guess if I wanted to be treated like a cis woman I could not tell people but then I would not be true to myself. The fact is, I am not a cis woman and never will be. If someone respects me enough then they should have no problem treating me like a female despite knowing I use to be male.

I guess it's a matter of opinion and how someone views themselves but I prefer being totally up front about things because I want people to accept me for what I am and not what they think I am. Also better not to leave peoples opinions up to chance. I couldn't stand building relationships with people only to lose them down the line because I wasn't up front.

I can understand where you're coming from and I definitely don't think you're doing the wrong thing. However, I simply disagree. My trans status should matter as much as somebody elses HIV status. As in, it only matters if you're sleeping with me. If somebody is going to make an ordeal over my trans status, something that doesn't effect them one way or the other, they are shallow and not worth my friendship. I believe that while there may be people out there who make a big deal about it, they are a minority from my personal experience.
To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are.



  •  

Alainaluvsu

Quote from: tekla on October 23, 2012, 11:14:00 PM
Maybe she already knows.  Despite all the people who write about how well the so perfectly pass and are in deep stealth, the fact is that as more people become aware then more people can tell a lot more.  Kind of an expansion of the 'nobody passes in San Francisco' deal.  So don't' bring it up, and if its comes up, don't lie.

That's true. Now if somebody brought it up, I definitely wouldn't lie.
To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are.



  •  

twit

Quote from: tekla on October 23, 2012, 11:14:00 PM
Maybe she already knows.  Despite all the people who write about how well the so perfectly pass and are in deep stealth, the fact is that as more people become aware then more people can tell a lot more.  Kind of an expansion of the 'nobody passes in San Francisco' deal.  So don't' bring it up, and if its comes up, don't lie.
That's what I assume for myself.  No one ever asks me about it though, but I think that's mostly to do with politeness or disinterest. 
  •