new neighbour, neighbor?

[MaidofOrleans]

I can understand where you're coming from and I definitely don't think you're doing the wrong thing. However, I simply disagree. My trans status should matter as much as somebody elses HIV status. As in, it only matters if you're sleeping with me. If somebody is going to make an ordeal over my trans status, something that doesn't effect them one way or the other, they are shallow and not worth my friendship. I believe that while there may be people out there who make a big deal about it, they are a minority from my personal experience.

I guess we can agree to disagree.

[oZma]

wow, such discussion! lots of points made and I super appreciates everyone opinion.  I haven't interacted with her lately but I figure I'm gonna go with the 'if it comes up' perspective.  like I'm not gonna tell her just to tell right? I'm gonna play it by ear. 

the two points made... one being I'm a trans women and thats who I am is how I want to live like an open book vs its nobody business and should be a non issue.  this sums up my anxiety about most interaction with people... and thats before I even start to think about their potential reaction! LOL

[justmeinoz]

You are a woman. You have a medical history. Does she need to know about it?

If you end up lovers it will have to be dealt with, but unless that happens I wouldn't be in a rush to out yourself.  If you are straight and so is she then not an issue. 

If it becomes obvious after you have been friends for a while, then you can try and set it up to break it to her in a way that is non-threatening because she will hopefully see that it is a minor detail.

I have always approached it that way; I have a minor physical anomaly and it's no big deal.  It is essentially a medical situation that is being managed.  Who would reject someone over a medical thing?

Karen. 

[luna nyan]

You are who you are.
In my opinion, what you choose to disclose to someone is whatever you feel is appropriate at the time.
Medical conditions are, for the most part, a personal and private affair.  Let's consider this - how many people have you met on a social basis told you any of these things the first time you met them (unless you're at a support group)?
- schizophrenia
- bipolar
- heart surgery/transplant
- appendix removed

To me, if we consider GID a medical condition, not an illness of the mind, then it's personal medical problem that you've addressed.  The only people that need to know then would be your health care providers, and any romantic interests.

I could say more, but I'm afraid of offending people. =)

Edit:  Oh, my answer to the question neighbour/neighbor.  Queen's English please - neighbour!

[kathy bottoms]

It's not like we're dealing with family, relatives, and life-long friends that we have to come out to at some point.  Neighors are detached, and they can think of me what they want as far as I'm concerned  (unless they're malicious, vial, or a danger). I stopped hiding my body on the hot days in California before we left last week for a vacation, and my neighbors still talked to me and genuinely smiled.

I think I read peoples emotions and body language pretty well (most transwomen probably do), and I'm prepared for how they will react and interact with me.  It may just be more important for me now because it's going to be an awful long time before I pass.

I see winter began with a bang back in California.  Heavy rain and tornados in the valley, and a couple feet of snow on top the ski areas in Tahoe.  Gonna be getting out the snow blower soon.

Kathy

[vivienne]

Not true. A person could simply see it as a lack of trust in not telling them. People are different and react differently. The feeling of being deceived could have nothing to do with their trans status but simply the fact they kept such a big secret from them. Always better to be up front with everybody.

I prefer people to see me and treat me as I am and I am a transgender woman and that is how I view myself. I guess if I wanted to be treated like a cis woman I could not tell people but then I would not be true to myself. The fact is, I am not a cis woman and never will be. If someone respects me enough then they should have no problem treating me like a female despite knowing I use to be male.

I guess it's a matter of opinion and how someone views themselves but I prefer being totally up front about things because I want people to accept me for what I am and not what they think I am. Also better not to leave peoples opinions up to chance. I couldn't stand building relationships with people only to lose them down the line because I wasn't up front.

I would totally agree with you.. IF we would live in a perfect world..

Cis people expect transsexuals to be deceiving anyway.. I recently learned that. My ex boyfriend and I are still seeing each other, as friends, and I got into a fight with his new girlfriend because she hates that he still sees me and she tries to forbid him to see me. Well, that's not going to work. She has now litteraly threatened me to put my picture on facebook and tell everyone my 'secret'. Wow, what a compliment! Me being trans is not a secret, but I won't tell anyone unless it's necessary. Why? Because it just doesn't work. People don't see me as a freak or ask me stupid questions, as long as I keep my mouth shut about being trans. I feel I am being forced by society to be 'sort of stealth' but that's just the way it is if I want a 'normal' life. I really need my life to be as normal as possible and I couldn't care less about everyones opinion about transsexuals. I don't see how being open about it could work anyway because I wouldnt know where to draw the line. If I speak to someone in a bus without disclosing should I feel guilty? I deceived that person!! lol

If I would get a new neighbour I would defenately not tell them, but I would try not to stress about them finding out about it too. It's not important and not of their business unless they would pay my srs lol. A new neighbour is nothing more than a stranger, at first, and I never tell strangers I'm trans. If she already figured it out or will figure it out then I think you will be able to tell.  Anyway, she's not a friend yet, just a new neighbour. Once she is a friend you could perhaps reconsider, or the 'problem' may have already been solved in the mean time. Have fun!

[Nicolette]

...My ex boyfriend and I are still seeing each other, as friends, and I got into a fight with his new girlfriend because she hates that he still sees me and she tries to forbid him to see me. Well, that's not going to work. She has now litteraly threatened me to put my picture on facebook and tell everyone my 'secret'. Wow, what a compliment!

That's exactly what happened to me. My best friend was also my boyfriend. We were so close. We were together for over 5 years. We broke up amicably. We were still friends until his new (cis) girlfriend decided to put a stop to it and threatened to out me to my colleagues if we didn't stop communicating. My ex wasn't very pleased, but he shouldn't have told her my status. Yes, he wasn't exactly pleased to be exposed as having dated a TS..

Tell a neighbour? WTH?! None of their 'f'ing business.

[Carlita]

wow, such discussion! lots of points made and I super appreciates everyone opinion.  I haven't interacted with her lately but I figure I'm gonna go with the 'if it comes up' perspective.  like I'm not gonna tell her just to tell right? I'm gonna play it by ear. 

the two points made... one being I'm a trans women and thats who I am is how I want to live like an open book vs its nobody business and should be a non issue.  this sums up my anxiety about most interaction with people... and thats before I even start to think about their potential reaction! LOL

'Play it by ear' has got to be the right thing. I mean, at this point you don't even know if you're going to be friends with this girl at all. So the very first thing is to see whether you get on as people, and then figure out whether you're just going to be good neighbours, casual friends or actual BFF girlfriends who hang out together, shop together, watch chick-flicks together, drink too much wine and check out guys together ... whatever ...

You absolutely don't need to tell her anything if you're just neighbours or casual friends. If you get close then the nature of female friendship is that girls share intimacies and secrets as a way of bonding ... at that point it's a judgement call ... But I can't see you getting to that point with her unless she seems like a nice, tolerant, board-minded girl to begin with. And if she is, then she'll be able to handle it ...

... and if she can't handle it, she was never going to be a real friend anyway.

[vivienne]

That's exactly what happened to me. My best friend was also my boyfriend. We were so close. We were together for over 5 years. We broke up amicably. We were still friends until his new (cis) girlfriend decided to put a stop to it and threatened to out me to my colleagues if we didn't stop communicating. My ex wasn't very pleased, but he shouldn't have told her my status. Yes, he wasn't exactly pleased to be exposed as having dated a TS..

Tell a neighbour? WTH?! None of their 'f'ing business.

So did you stop communicating? I won't! This girl is muslim and still officially maried and has a child with the guy she is married to. Her family is very very religious. Having a relationship is haram (forbidden). Having sex before marriage is haram. That in combination with cheating on her husband, lying to her entire family, well, if they find out she's dead.. Guess what I threatened her with

[Nicolette]

So did you stop communicating? I won't! This girl is muslim and still officially maried and has a child with the guy she is married to. Her family is very very religious. Having a relationship is haram (forbidden). Having sex before marriage is haram. That in combination with cheating on her husband, lying to her entire family, well, if they find out she's dead.. Guess what I threatened her with

You have some good leverage. I stopped communicating because anything else was going to become very painful. It's crazy. He was such a big part of my life and the rest of the family. I don't think he could handle my pre-opness any longer. Unfortunately, he got involved with this pyscho, jealousy prone woman and then 'accidentally' got her pregnant.  Because I loved him still so much, I had to let him go, completely. I still have a place for him in my heart. I know him too well. One day..

[vivienne]

You have some good leverage. I stopped communicating because anything else was going to become very painful. It's crazy. He was such a big part of my life and the rest of the family. I don't think he could handle my pre-opness any longer. Unfortunately, he got involved with this pyscho, jealousy prone woman and then 'accidentally' got her pregnant.  Because I loved him still so much, I had to let him go, completely. I still have a place for him in my heart. I know him too well. One day..

A couple of months ago I could have written what you just wrote (except the being pregnant part, as far as I know..). But then we met again, went to the movies, and before I realised it he had stayed with me for two weeks. Like nothing had changed. We didn't have sex, nore did I want to (it was because of him that I decided not to have sex at all anymore as long as I'm pre-op). During the two weeks he lied to her all the time about where he was about, making up excuses why he couldn't see her, etc.. He isn't a very trustworthy guy, but neither is she, so.. I love to have him around me though. He makes me laugh, a lot. He's great with me in public. I like taking care of him. He needs it. He loves her and I respect that. I do think she is a cheating wh*re who will never make him happy and who thinks only about herself, but it's their life.. He cheats on her too and I don't mean with me. We're basically just friends now, but with the history of our relationship. We can sleep in one bed without anything happening. He'll even j*rk off to porn 10 times with me right next to him playing wordfeud on my iphone or something. He's something else.. He's very cheeky.. His bitchfriend now found out that we are seeing each other again and she told me on the phone that she doesn't accept it. Yes, so? I won't stop seeing him unless he wants to. We're doing nothing wrong. She is.

Anyway. I feel for you. Did he want to stop seeing you? Or did she basically force him? I guess your situation was/is a little different. You still love him. I don't know if being friends would be enough for you? I also still love him, but I don't see how things could still work between us in a relationship. Sex just didn't work. He's straight and I'm pre-op. Besides that, I'm monogomous and he can't be trusted. These are good reasons for me not to want a relationship with him, but that doesn't mean that I don't want him in my life.

[Alainaluvsu]

That's exactly what happened to me. My best friend was also my boyfriend. We were so close. We were together for over 5 years. We broke up amicably. We were still friends until his new (cis) girlfriend decided to put a stop to it and threatened to out me to my colleagues if we didn't stop communicating. My ex wasn't very pleased, but he shouldn't have told her my status. Yes, he wasn't exactly pleased to be exposed as having dated a TS..

Tell a neighbour? WTH?! None of their 'f'ing business.

She better be glad it wasn't me... I'd have told her straight up "Ok... put it out there. If that's the worst you can do to me, I'll be sure to have unprotected sex with him any time he comes over. Enjoy my ->-bleeped-<- cooties!!"

[vivienne]

She better be glad it wasn't me... I'd have told her straight up "Ok... put it out there. If that's the worst you can do to me, I'll be sure to have unprotected sex with him any time he comes over. Enjoy my ->-bleeped-<- cooties!!"

LOL

I told her something really bad too: 'He loves licking my ass. I hope you will taste me each time you kiss him!'

Aiiiiii... I didn't know where that came from, lol. I'm not really that bitchy. The things she makes me say!!!

[Nicolette]

Anyway. I feel for you. Did he want to stop seeing you? Or did she basically force him? I guess your situation was/is a little different. You still love him. I don't know if being friends would be enough for you? I also still love him, but I don't see how things could still work between us in a relationship. Sex just didn't work. He's straight and I'm pre-op. Besides that, I'm monogomous and he can't be trusted. These are good reasons for me not to want a relationship with him, but that doesn't mean that I don't want him in my life.

He used to live with me. Being with him was like being with myself. I was that 100% comfortable with him. After he got involved with this girl, we mostly spent time on the phone or exchanged emails. We then became platonic friends.

She blackmailed him and indirectly me. Apparently, she cut to little pieces all the clothing belonging to her last boyfriend who strayed. She has no limits. Oh yes, she said she hated me. She has never met me!

I think it upset him to cut off contact with me. I had to do it to preserve my sanity and stealth. Accidentally seeing a photo of his kid did my head in for a few weeks.

The story goes on. He's still on the payroll with the company I'm a founder of. I have to remain professional and not allow these issues to become a distraction in the company. He does very good work. I just can't have personal contact with him. He teleworks now from a different continent, where his girlfriend lives. I sometimes hear his voice in phone conferences in the board room. Not a good feeling. Could write a book. Must compartmentalise now.

Yes, be careful with who you tell, unless you're 100% comfortable being out.