QuoteYou should only transition when it is a matter of life or death.
Is this really true? It seems like a sort of arbitrary threshold (though I've certainly heard it many times).
I've learned how to function as a man, and I'm quite sure I could go on doing it for the rest of my life. (I've never had even a passing suicidal thought.)
Masculinity is an exceedingly ill-fitting role for me to play, but I do OK. It requires an exorbitant amount of energy, and daily denial of large portions of my inner nature. It feels like a fundamentally dishonest way to meet the world, but I've learned how to do it while suppressing and managing my deeper self.
So, does having the ability to manage and suppress my true nature somehow disqualify me from transition?
Because I also know -- or at least I
think I know -- that I can't reach my full potential without transition. For me, transition doesn't exactly feel like a do-or-die thing as much as the next critical and unavoidable step toward being the best me I can be, something I've always held as a goal. The decision, therefore, is about whether the extensive work and cost and disruption of transition would nullify what I stand to gain. Right now, I can't see how it would. On the contrary, remaining male is a guarantee that a large part of who I am will never be explored, will always be kept locked away. I suppose I could bear that, but why should I? It's a doable but needless self-torture.
To aipwi I would say, I am living your situation, only about 10 years down the road. I have a beloved spouse, two wonderful children, and have known about my inner feminine nature since about the same age as you.
I've denied, suppressed, controlled, ignored, managed, and regularly indulged (privately) my inner female. For a long time, I thought that would work forever, and I don't exactly regret it. (I thought of myself for a long time as just a "happy crossdresser".) If that feels right for you now, don't let anyone pressure you otherwise.
But if withholding that part of yourself from the world begins to eat at you, now is the time to start preparing yourself for the possibility of transition. It may never come to that, but you need to start thinking about it and being honest about what you need, what you can tolerate, and what consequences you can and cannot live with. Being true to yourself in this way can never lead you to the wrong decision -- though it
can lead down a difficult path.
For me, it got to the point a couple of years ago when I had to say, "Enough is enough." I suddenly saw potentials within myself that I'd never seen before --
feminine potentials -- and I wanted to pursue them, knowing that they'd been percolating for decades. The blossoming of my inner femininity into the need to transition was quick and unexpected. I continued to deny it for a while, thinking maybe I could just incorporate them somehow into the male persona I've built. But it won't work. So, one day, I simply gave in.
Even so, I'm taking the slow boat, and I don't expect to have completed my
very gradual transition for another four or five years. I've chosen this approach with the hope that my spouse can adapt, that no one will be too shocked, that all of the important people in my life will have time to absorb and adapt at their own pace (or opt out of my life if they choose), and that I can be reasonably sure the whole way that every next step really is the one I should take.
For you, aipwi, I wish for regular moments of clarity that can lead you to the best possible decision for yourself, and the strength to forge your best path without bowing to unwelcome pressures from any side.
Lora
