Perhaps an odd question, but here goes...

I'm in my late 30s, and I have known that I am female since I was a very young boy; 8 or so, perhaps before.  Fast forward to now, and I'm married with children.  Don't even ask - I'm not sure how I ended up here either!

I have no doubt, none whatsoever, that being male is not who I am.  Not gay either.  Female, in a man's body.  I've lived with her for three decades now.  She knows me better than I do.

There is nothing I would love more than to transition, to take advantage of what modern medicine can do for us all.  But I have a family, I have children, and I have responsibilities.  And that takes priority over me.

That's as much background as I'm comfortable giving out at this point.  My question is fairly simple.  Is it OK to just be me, the female, in private, on my own, without telling anyone, without destroying my family?  Is it OK to just be female in my head?  Is that weird?  Does that even work, or does it lead to depression (which I struggle with), substance abuse (again, struggling with - alcohol mainly), mental health issues, and suicide?  (Yes, thoughts of that too, regularly for about a decade, but the fact that I've got the family to support stops me every time, and will continue to stop me.  This isn't a cry for that kind of help.)

It's miserable, to be honest, being a female trapped in a male's body, but there's more to think about than just me, and I can't suddenly start wearing female clothes, taking hormones, ripping apart relationships, etc.  That, to me, would be indulgent.  I made this mess, I have to deal with it.  But how?

Are there any others out there who know they are female, but for whatever reason can't come out, can't be who they truly are?  And if so, are you happy with your decision?  Are you OK with the fact that you will never, ever be who you are supposed to be?

And how do you make sure that you don't strangle the female inside?  How do you find the time to let her come out, safely and privately?

I'm so lost here, people.  I really don't know how to proceed, but it's getting to a breaking point where I need some advice from somebody.

Apologies and thanks in advance.

Uh, just seen the "non-op" board below.

Sorry!

Of course its ok, its your life.

I can relate to your situation, I knew early on also, but that was the 40's, 50's and 60's, transition wasn't heard of, I didn't know it existed.  I married, partially because that was what was expected of me, but also because I loved the woman (we are still married 46 years later).  I told her before we married, but when I actually transitioned she still objected.

When I finally heard of transgendered people I had children also (I was in my 30's), I decided to wait until they were in college.  Yes, I put my needs on hold, that is what I was taught to do.

Once they were adults, I transtitioned.

You came to the right place. We thrive on the "Just be yourself" motto here! Glad you found us! Hugs, Devlyn

Its ok to do whatever you want. Although im young and dont have any kids. I had a fiancee for almost 4 years. It just recently ended. It was really hard but we are still best friends and we live together. One thing I will say though is. When you start being who you really are in private and in your head wherever you are. Your going to want more. It will get frustrating when you can't or have no time for it. I tried to do it secretly but eventally it became to overwhelming and I just broke down. I decided its either I have to transition or I would rather die.  Sounds harsh.

If you only need to live for your family you absolutely can.  I lived for my wife and children for more than 30 years.  It was only six months ago that I said the exact same thing you are now, even though I knew deep inside that I had to transition.  I'm now 3 1/2 months on hormones, in therapy, and I will never turn back from my transition. 

Do what you need to do for your family, and then honestly ask what you need for yourself.  Raising children and seeing them grow into adults is one of the most fulfilling things I've ever done, and you most likey feel the same way.  But as my sons move on in life, I will also.  So as I said, honestly ask what you need to do for yourself at this point in life.

Kathy

Only you know what trade-offs are appropriate.

But keep in mind:

1. Make sure you aren't discounting possibilities. I.e. Is transitioning in your family really as problematic as you think it is?

2. Doesn't do your family any good if you destroy yourself in the process. Monitor your own place. Are you enjoying life and thriving? If not, your angst will also be visited on those around you.

You should only transition if it is right for you, or perhaps I should say, if you really have a desperate need to transition.

If you can carry on as you are then you would be very foolish not to do so. I have to transition, I would rather not, but I have accepted that there is no other way to end the torture. I have been lucky that I have lost no one along the way.

Quote from: agfrommd on October 30, 2012, 06:48:51 PM
Only you know what trade-offs are appropriate.

But keep in mind:

1. Make sure you aren't discounting possibilities. I.e. Is transitioning in your family really as problematic as you think it is?

2. Doesn't do your family any good if you destroy yourself in the process. Monitor your own place. Are you enjoying life and thriving? If not, your angst will also be visited on those around you.

Nicely said. 

Kathy

I am in my mid 50's, always felt since I was about 4-5 I should have been a girl, always felt the pressure, both real and implied, to do what guys do. Pressure made more intense by being second generation American in a V-E-R-Y blue collar city and parents working their asses off to for us kids to do better.

That was the language I was taught, the language I speak. Do what's expected, work hard, life sucks, and you die. Maybe sometimes you'll get some happy moments. After college, even during, I thought a lot about transition. Tried twice after I got out. Both times deciding it was better to keep on faking being a guy. Afterall I got fairly good at it.

Yet, I never gave up on the dream, the fantisy. I never did the classic purge. I knew myself way too well. The clothes were a very integral part of my life. Also led to the end of marriage #1. She never knew untill... Not that it mattered with almost #2 who bailed as a weding date pressure mounted. Though she always knew, she couldn't marry me since I "wasn't a real man".

Here I am now some 30 years later with a wife who always knew and is understanding. I got my badly needed escapes from a false reality. Yet the pressures of every day life meant some things had to give. Joanne was an enire day time waster. By many to most measures I did great as a guy. Absolutely nothing of that means a thing to me. Just about my entire existence is a lie, a fraud, just like me. Then about 3 years ago, as often my "luck" the excrement hit the air handler big time.

As much of my life was crashing on the rocks, only one thing turned it around. That was to confronting my Trans??? status head on. Not as I was trying to convince myself I was a bit more than a CD. Not by a multitude of distractions, diversions and a touch of denial. I took some big steps and big things started happening to turm myself around.

Transition was NEVER a part of my plans for over 3 decades. Even during that time of crises. Nope, been there, done that, these days forget it. I have comitments, promises made, and one extemely important in my life beside myself. As my wife teases, "No sane person wants to be a 56 y/o woman"  And she is right. That ship sailed for me 3 decades ago.

Still... I had the luxury of being able to compromise with myself. Besides presenting for my monthly TG meetings, I started presenting for my therapist appointments, followed by most weekends when I could and of course evenings. All the time thinking "No, I am not going to transition"

It sounds so easy. Yet living a joyous life or the other, feeling great being you, or not, feeling alive, or just existing all began to become very hard to choose. Living a dual life does wear on you. If only I had my "Normal" distraction and diversion filled life back!

Transition comes at a cost. Just as not transitioning does. It can be hard to know which is the better deal. To make it worse, many of the costs are imagined just as many are very very real. You just don't know for sure which they are untill afterwards.

I had a good 30 plus year run faking it. At times I feel another 30 won't be that difficult. At times I feel it aint F'n worth it compared to the joy I have experienced being out in the world and accepted as the real me. But reality bites. I know for certain within 2 years max if not under 6 months I'll be out of a job. Screw the companies "Diversity" policy! Little hope of finding another one soon making close to the same money. I can't even do it now as a guy in this economy!

I bear an even more incredibile burden now thanks to my experiences these past 2 years. I was soured on transtion in my 20's (bad headset) I now see what life can be like. I experienced the world as I always wished I could. I am cursed knowing all this. Decisions would be easier. I am incredibly blessed having been able to experience all this. A decision would be easier.

I have no answer

If you're situation is driving you to substance abuse & depression then you owe it to yourself & your family to find a balance.
I know someone who has children & is planning a wedding but has also spent a lifetime dealing with this issue, as he's chosen not to transition I refer to him as male because i've been sworn to keep the secret & can't risk a slip up, only me & his wife know & i'll protect his secret.
He has confided in his wife & she's supportive but he has decided that his children need to come first.
There are many people on this forum who have transitioned with families so no single answer is right for everyone.

I wish you the best with whatever path you choose

As I have said to others, it is your decision and nobody can tell what is right or wrong.  Be aware of what you are feeling and how things are going and you decide  when or if you need to resume transition. 
I have a good friend who has managed to work out how to live in an unchanged female body, and with an unchanged female name, while still knowing that they are male.  It is unusual but can be done with support. 

Karen.

Quote from: aipwi on October 30, 2012, 04:59:43 PM

It's miserable, to be honest, being a female trapped in a male's body, but there's more to think about than just me, and I can't suddenly start wearing female clothes, taking hormones, ripping apart relationships, etc.  That, to me, would be indulgent.  I made this mess, I have to deal with it.  But how?

Are there any others out there who know they are female, but for whatever reason can't come out, can't be who they truly are?  And if so, are you happy with your decision?  Are you OK with the fact that you will never, ever be who you are supposed to be?

And how do you make sure that you don't strangle the female inside?  How do you find the time to let her come out, safely and privately?

I'm so lost here, people.  I really don't know how to proceed, but it's getting to a breaking point where I need some advice from somebody.

Apologies and thanks in advance.

First thing, I totally understand how you feel, because I feel the same way - both halves of it: the wanting-to-be-agirl and the having a family. So, having spent years and years struggling with all these issues, all I can say is ...

1. It won't go away.
2. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to change.
3. Yes, you do have moral and financial obligations to your wife and children, but you also have them to yourself. Think of it this way: you'd want your children to be free to be the person they truly are. Why would you deny yourself the same right?
4. The damage that might be done by transitioning is obvious. The damage that would be done by NOT transitioning is less obvious, but I'm absolutely sure it's there. I'm quite certain that my pain, my profound sense of dislocation and dissatisfaction, my increasingly desperate attempts to 'fix' the problem (therapy, testosterone patches, wildly inappropriate extra-marital relationships, you name it) and - above all - the incredible difficulty I've had being the husband my wife deserves have all had a huge effect on my family. Sure, we've somehow stayed together, kept our house, had a decent standard of living and actually been a very loving family in many ways ... but it's not been easy at all.
5. In the end, you just have to weigh it ... for me, the dysphoria has never been so overwhelming, or my despair so total that I've felt I absolutely had to risk everything and transition. But it's been close - very, very close - and it could change at any time.
6. All I can say is, you must be honest with yourself and honest with your wife and do whatever you believe is best for you ... and whatever that is will probably be best for all the people you love and who love you, too.

You do what you have to do but denying yourself will have costs just as transitioning would have costs. I know because I tried and it still caught up to me and now I regret all the wasted years when I could have been myself instead.

In the end, only you can make the call about what is right for you. Good luck!

Of course it's OK. I waited till I was in my 40's to start dealing with this but was single and no kids. only you can decide what is best for you and the people you love.

Quote from: Carlita on October 31, 2012, 10:01:19 AM
3. Yes, you do have moral and financial obligations to your wife and children, but you also have them to yourself. Think of it this way: you'd want your children to be free to be the person they truly are. Why would you deny yourself the same right?

Problem is you are coming out of the same generation as most of us. I realised the quote above for myself after starting to transition. Everything is a cycle. By me not being true to myself I was teaching my kids to not be true to themselves. I can see them doing the samething from this side. I have 5 kids and only my oldest son understood and became a big support to me. He also supports LBGT goes to meetings that they have at his school. He is learning not to care what others think about him. My oldest daughter had mixed emotions about it but is coming around same with the three younger ones. I see them trying to live up to people standards and be something they are not and realised that this was not just about me transitioning but about the cycle we all live in. Deep down we all are living lies and everyone is unhappy. Not just those that are wanting to make things right in their on life. Personally, I see past the monkeywrench that I have thrown into everyones life. Yeah, it is going to really brake down this machine but maybe it will give my kids a happier future. I think just as my son got it the others will too. Hopefully they won't wait until half their life is over and they built lives they don't want to realise it. But in the end it is still your choice, right.

"Is it OK to NOT transition"? Of course it is. You should only transition when it is a matter of life or death. When you can no longer bear the thought of living another day as your birth gender it is time to transition.

I have waited 45 years to return to living as my true self. My son will be 18 next month. He will graduate High School and begin living his own life soon after. I waited through his older sister and two older brothers.

I can no longer continue living the lie.

I must transition.

QuoteYou should only transition when it is a matter of life or death.

Is this really true? It seems like a sort of arbitrary threshold (though I've certainly heard it many times).

I've learned how to function as a man, and I'm quite sure I could go on doing it for the rest of my life. (I've never had even a passing suicidal thought.)

Masculinity is an exceedingly ill-fitting role for me to play, but I do OK. It requires an exorbitant amount of energy, and daily denial of large portions of my inner nature. It feels like a fundamentally dishonest way to meet the world, but I've learned how to do it while suppressing and managing my deeper self.

So, does having the ability to manage and suppress my true nature somehow disqualify me from transition?

Because I also know -- or at least I think I know -- that I can't reach my full potential without transition. For me, transition doesn't exactly feel like a do-or-die thing as much as the next critical and unavoidable step toward being the best me I can be, something I've always held as a goal. The decision, therefore, is about whether the extensive work and cost and disruption of transition would nullify what I stand to gain. Right now, I can't see how it would. On the contrary, remaining male is a guarantee that a large part of who I am will never be explored, will always be kept locked away. I suppose I could bear that, but why should I? It's a doable but needless self-torture.

To aipwi I would say, I am living your situation, only about 10 years down the road. I have a beloved spouse, two wonderful children, and have known about my inner feminine nature since about the same age as you.

I've denied, suppressed, controlled, ignored, managed, and regularly indulged (privately) my inner female. For a long time, I thought that would work forever, and I don't exactly regret it. (I thought of myself for a long time as just a "happy crossdresser".) If that feels right for you now, don't let anyone pressure you otherwise.

But if withholding that part of yourself from the world begins to eat at you, now is the time to start preparing yourself for the possibility of transition. It may never come to that, but you need to start thinking about it and being honest about what you need, what you can tolerate, and what consequences you can and cannot live with. Being true to yourself in this way can never lead you to the wrong decision -- though it can lead down a difficult path.

For me, it got to the point a couple of years ago when I had to say, "Enough is enough." I suddenly saw potentials within myself that I'd never seen before -- feminine potentials -- and I wanted to pursue them, knowing that they'd been percolating for decades. The blossoming of my inner femininity into the need to transition was quick and unexpected. I continued to deny it for a while, thinking maybe I could just incorporate them somehow into the male persona I've built. But it won't work. So, one day, I simply gave in.

Even so, I'm taking the slow boat, and I don't expect to have completed my very gradual transition for another four or five years. I've chosen this approach with the hope that my spouse can adapt, that no one will be too shocked, that all of the important people in my life will have time to absorb and adapt at their own pace (or opt out of my life if they choose), and that I can be reasonably sure the whole way that every next step really is the one I should take.

For you, aipwi, I wish for regular moments of clarity that can lead you to the best possible decision for yourself, and the strength to forge your best path without bowing to unwelcome pressures from any side.

Lora

I have a few things to add. I would first take with a grain of salt any advice you get from other people, including me. It's the internet (or irl), don't let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn't do, what's acceptable or not. Some of the advice people gave about really thinking through whether things are as bad as you thought, like really thinking through your situation and what might happen, I agree with that. The stuff about "only transition if it's life or death" uh, lol, I don't agree. That might apply to their particular situation, but not fit your own. Consider all the options in your transition. See some of agfrommd's post about the questioning and introspection to see what I'm talking about. Maybe it's not time for you to transition right now? Maybe your life situation is manageable without transitioning? Maybe you think you'll be more miserable transitioning than not? There's totally nothing wrong with that in my opinion. You are the one that needs to live in your own skin and live with the decisions you make.

I say "decisions" because as much as someone wants to proclaim that transition wasn't a choice, I believe it is. Every day we make choices, even if it's whether to live or die, carry on or not. The decision to transition, as much as someone might not feel like it's a real decision, is still a decision. If it's not a transition, then you don't really own it. It's something that was forced on you; you didn't want it; you didn't want this life, but it's really kinda late for that. It isn't going to change, I do agree with most people on that. I think for a lot of trans* peeps these thought processes aren't just going to get swept under the carpet, although you could probably find coping mechanisms, even if for a while.

Kids, wife, family, job, financial situation, physical geography, etc, etc, all this stuff plays into each person's transition possibility, right? Yours might be a combination of not right time, not right place. Maybe you feel like you can find these coping mechanisms for a while. I will say this. No one around you has to know what you are thinking or how you feel. It's your prerogative whether you share that or not. Maybe think through whether you can be ok with no one knowing and kind of living with that knowledge and not doing much about it. Maybe you can be a "softer" you than you are now and that would be ok. Maybe there are parts of you that can come out and you can acknowledge them with others to see how you feel doing that? Someone I know once described their transition as a serious of pressure valves that they learned to control over time. They did eventually transition in their 30's, but that was after they opened up difference valves to become so comfortable with where she was that it wasn't that much of a stretch from where she was to transition.

I will say too that it's tough with a family, with kids. My heart goes out to you that you have to struggle with this. I wish it wasn't that way. I wish you could have the life you always wanted, the life you feel like you should be living, whether that's living male with no cross-gender feelings at all or female with the clocks rewound to when you were born to make everything restart. Stay strong, please, and don't let the struggle you are facing break you down too much. You have support here, just let your own voice in your head be your main guide, k? As well-meaning as we all on here, we are human and each have our own biases, faults, etc and we come to the table with our own baggage. Be well, Meghan

Quote from: josee on November 02, 2012, 08:06:21 PM
"Is it OK to NOT transition"? Of course it is. You should only transition when it is a matter of life or death. When you can no longer bear the thought of living another day as your birth gender it is time to transition.

"Life or death" is horribly fatalistic, and I hope Josee was being a bit dramatic in her post.  Transition is all about starting a new life by overcoming some incredibly difficult barriers, and then leaving the old life behind. 

For me there was a long period of agony when the overwhelming need to become a woman compelled me to break the promisses and bonds to my family.  For those of us who are married and have kids it's more difficult because we touch those who are the most intimate and physical parts of our personal being.  We aren't loosing an uncle, aunt, sister or brother.  Our children are the product of the devotion and love we had with our wives, and our spouse carried and bore these children through our unions.  It's something I can't explain well enough to make sense, and since I'm crying about it I'll go on. 

We are all individuals, and how we live within our families is like a portrait we painted over the years.  When we transition we can't control or change the way our wives and children react, and they repaint our portrait.  Far too often we're left out of the painting, or we're made smaller in significance to the lives we effected.  There is nothing we can do about it, and we live on. 

Because of my transition I know I'll forever loose the free, open and trusting talks with my sons.   Or worse, I'll be rejected and abandon by them.   I lost the intimacy and love of my wife when I came out 20 years ago, and we both somehow accepted a platonic existance in order to raise our sons in a family.  I had terribly flawed reasons for hiding a part of my past when I got married, and the consequence of that has ruined so many years, and will haunt me for years to come.
 
I've never suffered from classic depression, and I can't fathom how others cope with it.  I only catch brief glimpses of those deep lost feelings when I have bad days, but I always decide to make the best of life without ever considering "life or death".  So as I move on in transition my mind and body will be healed, and the trap that's held me so long will be released.  Then all those wounds of my life will fade away. 

Love, Kathy