My mother noticed the first signs when I was 18 months old. I was growing into a headstrong, independent, stubborn little sod rather than the sweet, submissive, obedient little girl she thought I ought to be.
My own first clues came when I was 5 years old, when I started to notice gender differences. I had my first female friend at the time (a neighbour)... and for the first time I noticed that I related more to my brother and our male friends than to this strange but lovely alien creature who was my female friend.
I expressed desires to be a boy and I insisted on wearing boys' clothing etc. etc. (all the clichés) but at every turn I was told that I'm weird, confused or downright mistaken about who I really am. I lived in a very conservative, religious, segregated environment (Apartheid South Africa of all places) so I simply learned not to tell anyone else how I was feeling because I needed to avoid being criticised and punished. I honestly thought I was the only person in the world who felt this way.
I didn't know that transgender/transsexual people existed until I read an article about Caroline Cossey in People magazine when I was 19 years old. I cried myself to sleep that night because I realised that there are other people like me and that there's something that can be done to make me feel better. I tore that article out of the magazine and I still have it to this day.
I discreetly researched the options that were available to FtMs at the time but things looked pretty dire in my opinion, so I shelved my dreams and threw myself headlong into trying to navigate my way through life as a female. That was 21 years ago, and I reached crisis point this year when I came to the conclusion that I simply cannot continue pretending to be something I'm not. So I did more research on the options available for FtMs these days and they look so much more promising, so here I am!
