Another talk with my wife and my coming out letter.

[kathy bottoms]

So I talked to my wife this morning after a very bad night with problems caused by excessive stress.  I was surprised a bit by her reaction to my telling her I had to move on with transition.  She was disapointed, but not mad, and she's willing to work some things out for a while.  We don't know how long we can keep this up.  But now I have to talk to my sons after they get back from a short trip to Salt Lake next Friday.  And on that same day I'm sending out the following letter via email to all my sisters and brothers, and my wifes brother.

I say things here that some of you will no doubt have problems with, as I do.  But I wrote it for a family that is mostly religious, and some with very conservative values.  So if you see something you feel I should change just go ahead and comment.

Kahty


COMING OUT

I have a long lasting personal problem that goes back almost as long as my memories, and so many of those years were interlaced with embarrassment and personal humiliation.  And because of this problem I've damaged my life with J..., and forever changed my relationships with N.. .and A....   I want to stay a part of my family forever, but I've hurt J... deeply and we haven't decided if I stay or go.  And if I'm not in the picture in the future please don't abandon J.... and the kids because of me.  They need to think this through, and may also need a little support from this wonderful K..... family.  So I'm not around at family functions, talk to J.... and the boys about those things you all love most, like babies, camping, cars, and the pleasures of life in general, and just ignore my absence.

I'd appreciate your never posting anything about this on a social network, and please don't tell anyone in Michigan about me.  They'll find out soon enough, and explaining myself to them will be a nightmare in it's own way. 

And so let me say I'm transgender, and identify as transsexual.  No, I'm not, crazy, a freak, dinking heavily, addicted to anything, or being persuaded by other persons.  And this has nothing to do with sex, sexual orientation, deviance, or some odd cultish lifestyle.  I'm just transgender, and I can't change that. 

Please understand how difficult this is, and how sorry I am if it hurts you, or alienates you from me.  Over the years I've cried and wished for something to change my life, and I tried to renew my faith in God, and failed as I prayed for everything and found nothing.  But most often I just lived with a strange feeling that I was guilty of something without committing a crime.  I even saw a psychiatrist in 1974 and 1975 after a hard bout of drinking, but there were no real results that had anything to do with my gender.  So I separated myself from others, and hoped to ignore what I decided was a terrible predisposition.  Obviously nothing solved my problems, and no amount of ignoring them or wishing them away ever will. 

When J... and I met she changed my life.  But as we got married she had no idea I had gender issues, and since I thought my problems were buried in the past I didn't think telling her was necessary.  That was a terrible mistake, and I should have been honest and open about my life.  It's too late to make amends, but I'll still tell J.... anything she wants to hear about the years before we met, but at least now she knows everything else about me.  So if J.... ever wants to open up and talk about our lives she can do so at her own discretion.  She has my full approval, and I will not interfere.  But I will never discuss our conversations, lives, or relationship, so please don't ask me about these things.

No doubt you have questions, and you can always call and talk about what I'm doing, provided it doesn't pertain to my therapy, and obviously J.....   Most everything else is fair for questions, and I'll let you know if a conversation becomes uncomfortable.  So here are some facts if you want them.
* I see a psychiatrist who specializes in treating transgender patients (Gender Therapist), and I attend group therapy, 
* My Endocrinologist prescribed estrogen injections, and an oral anti androgen. 
* I am not changing my name yet. But I'm Kathy in my online conversations, and in therapy.
* I plan to transition further, but I have no schedule or timetable.
* The link below contains a brochure I would like you to read. 

So that's my little screwed up life in a nutshell.  I have no expectations that any of you to will ever understand or accept me.  Especially when I seem to be so willing to horribly hurt the ones I dearly love.  It all makes me appear to have a very ugly heart, and a selfish soul, but I must continue my transition, and I can never fix what I've done to J..., and the boys.  Coming out doesn't help anyone, but it allows me to stop hiding, and move on in life.

I love and care about all of you.  Joe (Kathy)
 
http://www.apa.org/topics/sexuality/transgender.pdf

[Jam]

That sounds like a good email to me, I wish you the best of luck.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Sounds very good to me, Kathy.  Best of luck and Blessed be.

[kathy bottoms]

Thanks Tom and Ms OBrien.  My anxiety about sending this is no longer over the fear of scorn and rejection, but now I'm happily anticipating liberation from a lifetime of fear and hiding.  "I literally can't wait to send it, and it's kind of like "Damn the torpedos, full speed ahead".   But it's still a bit long when I read it here.  Might need to remove a few things.

It also occured to me that I've been calling JoAnn "my wife" in all my posts in order to hide her and keep her safely seperated from my transition.  But she is a part of my transition, and has stayed with me for the sake of our kids for so many years, so she deserves to be called by her name.

Kathy

[Beverly]

I literally can't wait to send it, and it's kind of like "Damn the torpedos, full speed ahead".   But it's still a bit long when I read it here.  Might need to remove a few things.

I would add a one thing. I would emphaszie the medical side of this, that you have a diagnosable medical condition (ICD-10 / F64) and that you are seeking therapy and treatment for something that you have no control over.

I will PM you my letter and you can read it and see how it compares, but "Damn the torpedos" says to me that you are indeed ready.

Good luck

x x

[kathy bottoms]

I would add a one thing. I would emphaszie the medical side of this, that you have a diagnosable medical condition (ICD-10 / F64) and that you are seeking therapy and treatment for something that you have no control over.

I will PM you my letter and you can read it and see how it compares, but "Damn the torpedos" says to me that you are indeed ready.

Good luck

x x

You're a gem Bev.  I now have a very short and simple version 5. 

JoAnn just asked that I not come out until after Christmas, and she's been so good to me about this, so I'll keep the secret a little longer.

Kathy

[Cindy]

A nice letter Kathy and good luck with it. If anything I feel you blame yourself too much. Yes you hadn't been honest with your wife but that is not uncommon in people with TG. They think marriage will cure them, only to find out the true horror of our existence.

I also realise that the USA 'culture' is far less forgiving than that of Australian society where the typical response is 'so?' This I think tends for people ask for some form of forgiveness that just plain understanding or at the least, acceptance.

I realise I walk my own path, as we all do, and we face our life in how we can. But I have never apologised to anyone for being me. Why should I. It isn't my fault, it is the biology of my existence.

Neither should you apologise for the awfulness of your life. You are a brave and outstanding woman, and that is obvious in how you conduct yourself at Susan's and is also reflected in your letter. 

My best wishes too you and I hope everything works out.

Love

Cindy

[Beverly]

You're a gem Bev.  I now have a very short and simple version 5. 

[justmeinoz]

I hope it goes well Kathy. I came out to my family and friends in a letter where I took the angle of it being a medical problem that had caused me grief all my life.  I went well, and I hope yours does too. 
We are here for you sis.

Karen.