You've probably heard this...

[rhett]

I have to talk to someone...anyone. My mind is in such a maddening mess right now and I can't say anything...to anyone.

I met this girl outside of a job recruitment center. Her car needed a jump and it was cold and rainy, so, being nice I got out my jumper cables and let her sit in my car in the heat while I got her car started (I know, it sounds like an intro to a cheesy romantic comedy, but bear with me). So after I got it started I let the battery charge. I hopped in the drivers seat and lent her a cigarette while we waited. And we talked, and talked, and talked some more. I was surprised how well we hit it off. After about 20 mins she gave me her number and told me to call her when I got home; wanted to make sure I got there safely. I obliged and we parted ways.

I make it home (it was raining cats and dogs...) and I call her. And we sat up almost all night talking.

This had been happening for about a month now. Texting and calling each other; really getting along. She's smart, witty, is in collage, has a job and a car; really has her life together. And here I am, thinking I stumbled on to something great.

Then, a few days ago, she tells me: "Rhett," (not my real name but let's go with it), "Rhett...I need to tell you something..."
"Alright, shoot."
"Well, I was born a boy."
"...Really?"
"I hope you don't think any different of me..."
(Condensed version etc...)

I didn't. I've never been prejudice towards anybody, for any reason. And at first I'm thinking: "Yea, no big deal!" My feelings for her haven't changed. I still really like her. I want to date her but something in my brain is making me so confused. I mean, what would my parents say if they found out? I know my friends would never let me live it down but dammit I think she's a great person and I don't care what anyone thinks....I mean, I know I think that...I know that's what my feelings are...but what is this strange feeling? I can read all the blogs in the world saying: "You're not gay if you love a transgender woman, she's still a woman." I know this, you know this, but my brain keeps telling me: "But still! She was physically a guy at one point!" Up yours brain. Society made you that way and I'm not going to listen..."yes you are"...."no I'm not!"..."yes you are"..."no I'm not!"...you get the point...

Someone please help me...I'm not crazy, just confused...

[Padma]

My feeling is, you can't work this stuff out in your head, or on paper. Spend more time with her and see how you feel then. This is about how you feel about her, and it's either going to work or it isn't. If it is, then how everyone else around you feels about it can be dealt with later.

[blueconstancy]

Why do your friends, family, etc. need to know? Especially right now. (Because you shouldn't be telling them without her permission, and odds are that if it progresses to the point where you *get* her permission, they'll already have had a chance to find out how great she is. Assuming that she actively wants you to share that information at all - which she might not, and in that case it's nobody else's business.) In other words, I totally agree that for now you should focus on getting to know her and see where things go, and let the future take care of itself for a bit.

Since logic isn't likely to out-argue your brain's unfortunate knee-jerk response, would it matter to you if she'd been surgically corrected at birth instead of once she was somewhat older? If not, I recommend pretending that was the case until your brain shuts up.

(I'm assuming she has had genital surgery, since you said "at one point." It wouldn't make her any less of a woman if she hadn't, of course, but it'd probably extend the brain-freakout time.)


For context, I'm in a slightly different situation - I met my wife when we were both 15, and she transitioned at the age of 32 when we'd been married 10 years already. So, yeah, what everyone else thought kinda did come up.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

And at first I'm thinking: "Yea, no big deal!" My feelings for her haven't changed. I still really like her.

Obviously you still see her as what she is, a woman.  And you like her.

what would my parents say if they found out? I know my friends would never let me live it down but dammit I think she's a great person and I don't care what anyone thinks

I am sorry, but who cares what they may think.  It is a medical condition and no ones business, unless she wants people to know.

Don't worry about what others think, most of it is BS anyway.  She likes you and you like her.  That is all that matters.

[peky]

Your gender identity and your sexual orientation are between you ears not between your legs

I do understand your dilemma though. I would advice to continue to see her, she seems to pass well enough, nobody needs to know for the time being. Later on if and when it is needed, then you can disclose to whoever you need to. But, just remember that as an adult, you do not own anybody an explanation.

Good luck, dude!!!

[Shantel]

Hey Rhett!
         Glad you felt secure enough to discuss it with us here. I'm married to a beautiful genetic female, have been for years. I was a real he-man when that happened, long story short here is that she's worked her way through it because real love isn't so much a matter of logic as it is a matter of the heart and logic goes right out the window. If you really love her for who she is and aren't simply having a mental affair with her looks and her female equipment, then you will overcome all the doubts and what-ifs. Meanwhile her former state is really no-one's business and should never be brought up, it's past history and water under the bridge of life. It was right for her to tell you before things went beyond holding hands, and really Rhett, when you think about it this is a test for you to see if you are the genuine article for her. Hang in their friend, you have character, you can do it and be a winner!

[lightningeyes91]

I agree with everyone else. My boyfriend is slowly starting his transition and feel the same way about him as I did before. Just because the body has changed doesn't mean the mind and soul have. Assuming you don't just like her for her body and you like her for the person that she is you should continue to see her. Your feeling for her shouldn't be based on what someone's past was like.

[peky]

I agree with everyone else. My boyfriend is slowly starting his transition and feel the same way about him as I did before. Just because the body has changed doesn't mean the mind and soul have. Assuming you don't just like her for her body and you like her for the person that she is you should continue to see her. Your feeling for her shouldn't be based on what someone's past was like.

The Force is Strong with this one..

[JoanneB]

I haven't heard it myself but I can pass on some of my wifes less pleasent romantic experiences (she is MTF). It basically boils down to this. Like you guy meets girl, guy falls for girl. Guy has absolutely NO Clue of the truth of this girl who is a natural. Girl gets to the point the guy must be told. Guy goes "It's OK. I think you're a cool person". The relationship further blossoms but apparently, like you are alreasy thinking. "What if......" and the list is a long one as you know. Guy eventually needs a "Second opinion".

Then comes the setup. After guy talks to friend (male or female) telling them the whole story, guy introduces girl to "The Judge". The friend already knowing and having a ton of prejudices or misunderstandings, what have you later pronounces sentence. "Guilty as Charged" Oh course anyone can tell. What are you crazy? Do you have any idea how difficult your life will be? What your friends will think when they figure it out......

Guy then comes up weasel excuse or just stops calling.

First time for her you can say maybe paranoia. But 3 times is a pattern. The sequence of events always the same.

None of my friends or family ever knew anything about my wifes past. (Much less my own issues!) After about 8 years of us living together we started getting hit from both my parents and my sister "When are you going to make an honest woman of her?", "You better give her a kid" "When are you two......"

A tale of two lovers

[twit]

Your thoughts and the reality of the influence of friends and families in people's lives, especially their romantic lives, is why I don't date, even if the guy seems ok with it. I just don't want them to have to deal with the crap that I've had to. If I were completely stealth, it might be a different story, but I already know that where I live, guys have gotten warned about me, hence my lack of trust in people in general. Now if you don't mind being seen by many as gay or bi(it is how many others will likely perceive that relationship, unfortunately), then you should have no real issues, but a lot of guys can't deal with that perception no matter what they think of the girl or how much they might like her.

[rhett]

I really appreciate all of your responses. The knee-jerk response is the best description yet. As far as telling people? I wouldn't. It's not important. I'm just worried about an awkward question that may arise (whatever that may be) or a slip of the tongue. I don't know. My paranoia can get the best of me...

[Susan]

[JoanneB]

I'm just worried about an awkward question that may arise (whatever that may be) or a slip of the tongue.

I am sure you already noticed how seamlessly she can talk about her past, chldhood, hobbies, old jobs, whatever without a moment of hesitation and without a misuse of pronouns. THE big difficulty she may have is with a backstabing or outright anti-transtion family member. The anti crowd is easy to handle since they are never around. The backstabbers are the worse when a "he" or "old name" happens to "Slip out" in big social situations like joint family gatherings or parties.

[ToriJo]

I knew about my wife's history when I married her.  She felt that it was going to come out at some point, so it might as be from her instead of someone else.

First, no matter how good she lives her life, no matter how beautiful she is, no matter how good of a job she's done covering her past, someone is going to find out about her past.  You need to be honest with yourself and decide if that matters to you.  I hope it doesn't, but be honest with yourself.

I would say that she must really like you and trust you to disclose.  That's a wonderful gift.  She's done a lot for you already, something she wasn't obligated to do but which she did out of love.  So definitely honor that, and, as others said, don't disclose to anyone without her permission.  I've never had anyone ask me if my wife was trans or anything similar, nor do I tell anyone.  If my wife wants someone to know, I let her tell them - and I don't try to stop her from telling someone or make her tell someone.  It's her body, her choice.

I'm sure some family and friends have "suspicions" and talk behind my back.  Others know her history and certainly talk behind our backs.  So it's important to decide if that matters to you.  Not everyone is strong enough to deal with that.

As for kids, it's okay to adopt.  It's okay to not want kids.  And it's nobody's business if one or both of you is not fertile.

I would also advise being open about sex with one another when the time is right.  There's a lot of fear and insecurity for both people in sex the first time even in the best of circumstances.  But at the end of the day, communication is very good and a lot of couples could have a lot more fun if they talked to each other about what is and isn't fun.

Depending on the person, they can also be a bit wounded from how the world has treated them.  This has consequences in a relationship, and it's important you're willing to accept that too.

All this said, the best thing that I've done in my life is to marry my wife.  One thing I'd also mention is that there are legal complications, so if it gets to that point, I'd recommend talking to a good lawyer who understands gender issues.  I don't want to scare you - as I said, the best thing I ever did in my life was to follow my heart.

And, just to reassure you - no, there isn't anything wrong, bad, or strange about being attracted to someone else!  Particularly not about a man being attracted to a woman - doing what 90% of men do (being interested in women) is hardly strange!

[pretty pauline]

I knew about my wife's history when I married her.  She felt that it was going to come out at some point, so it might as be from her instead of someone else.
  If my wife wants someone to know, I let her tell them - and I don't try to stop her from telling someone or make her tell someone.  It's her body, her choice.


All this said, the best thing that I've done in my life is to marry my wife.   as I said, the best thing I ever did in my life was to follow my heart.

no, there isn't anything wrong, bad, or strange about being attracted to someone else!  Particularly not about a man being attracted to a woman - doing what 90% of men do (being interested in women) is hardly strange!

Your situation is so similiar to mine Slanan,  I tolded my husband my history when he proposed marriage and we got engaged, sometimes I think you sound just like him, its not an issue now, he doesn't want his family to know, Im ok with that. He completely fully excepts me as a woman, he is a very supportive husband while Im now a fulltime housewife, just normal people, he thinks more about my cooking than my history, typical guy he is.
Just be there and support her rhett, you'v met a very special and honest girl, best of luck.
Pauline

[rhett]

Thank you so much everybody. All of you advice has really helped me. I just really needed to hear it from people who have been there so that I didn't feel so alone. I admit, I'm pretty naive at times -.-

[DeeperThanSwords]

I hope that the input you've had has helped, Rhett. "Those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind".