Hello! I registered here first when I was 18. I forgot my username and password, and now have a different email address, so I figured I would just re-register. I don't want to use my old name anyway. Heh.
So I'm Merek. I was born female. My mother is a very prissy person, and both my parents really wanted a girl. When I came out female, they must have been overjoyed.
However, I seem to be at very least gender-fluid. When I was little, I would hang out more with guys. I would see them pee, and say, "Why can't I pee like that!" I felt insaney jealous, like I was cheated out of a penis. I felt like one of the guys around them. Later on, most of my friends were girls. I still wanted to hang out with the guys, but they didn't really accept me. In fact, few people did. I was always an outsider. When I would hang out with these girls, I felt like they were sweet, and great friends, but the make-up and girliness bothered me. I didn't check out guys. I pretended to, but never felt anything like that for them. It just seemed so...stupid. So girly. I remember being at a summer camp where I asked if I looked like a guy. I really wanted to. I was told that I looked like a guy with long hair from the back. I doubt it, though. I have always looked quite female. (I am only about five feet tall.)
Later on, I remember being upset that I was an actual girl, and not someone with undescended testes, like I learned about in class. I then started asking myself if I would rather be born male or female. I would have chosen male...hands down!
Recently, at age 23, I feel like my waves of dysphoria are getting stronger. There are times when I can't feel comfortable in women's clothing. I always, however, almost see a penis if I look at myself naked. It's rather odd. It's like I have to do a double-take to realize it's not there. In the same sense, from time to time, I forgot I am female.
On the other hand, my breasts don't really bother me. I have no idea if I want hormones or not. It's not like they can magically make me both genetically and physically male. I want the whole package. Granted, I don't have issues with what I do have. It's what I don't have that bothers me.
On another note, I was diagnosed with slightly high testosterone levels, but don't know if this is causing my problems. I've felt male-ish my whole life...
Er...regardless, here I am. A friend recommended I come back here for support. So hello, and nice to meet everyone! :3
