Can't sleep, something important looms overhead.

[Firecat]

I've had many recent successes most recently in coming to terms with who I am inside, and taking steps to improve my life and situation to finally start working towards that goal. I've sought therapy, faced fears, and most recently I've finally found a support group in my area.  I've told a few coworkers, I've told my brother, I told my doctor... all of my online friends know it-- I am female... inside. And I want to work to make my outside reflect that.   There is just one thing standing in my way right now, and I thought I could just ignore it forever and do whatever I want.  Its my mother.

About a year ago, I tried telling her about this, but I was naive, inexperienced, and rash.  I'd been so thrilled that I'd started crossdressing, I wanted to do it whenever I could, I posed a hypothetical question about it to my mother, and it exploded on me. Ever since, I've been so quiet and withdrawn from her, I kinda left it hanging and denied it and myself from her. I don't know what she thinks.  I do know she takes any opportunity to insult me over my longer hair, and  anytime I come to her with a problem she calls me a hypochondriac and tells me I need to get away from this damn computer. In many cases, yes, she might be right... but this... I don't think so. Not in the least.

My desire to be female is extremely strong, it is very real, I've taken the last year to think it through inside and out, I've weighed every pro and every con I could possibly think of, and I've determined that the anxiety and the depression that have plagued me for so long, are directly linked to gender dysphoria. But how could I possibly make her see this?  How can I possibly bring it up to her so that it doesn't seem so out of the blue, and that its not just another bout of hypochondria, and that it is perhaps the most absolutely important thing that could improve my life?

Tossing and turning for the last 3 hours, unable to even keep my eyes closed as I ponder this.

[JoanneB]

You've told friends, doctor, even your brother. Seems like you knew what to say those times. Yes, moms need to be handled a bit more delicately and be prepared for a possible backlash or complete surprise. There is an entirely different dynamic than between anyone else in your life.

Dancing around the subject, which sounds like you did with her, was not the best of approaches in retrospect. Have you talked to your brother at all about this since you talked to mom? Could she have dropped hints with him? Better yet is if he can intervene a bit.

Of course there is the take the bull by the horns approach and just drop the Bomb on her. How she reacted to the hypothetical abstract situation you posited may not reflect her response to a from the heart talk about the truth and suffering you felt most of your life.

[Firecat]

I've been prepared to go around and just do it behind her back, never tell her til I show up one day a year or so down the road with some real changes, then she could see the progress I'd made... that I DON'T look like some damn football player she named, and that I am QUITE capable of making a decision and sticking with it.   But, I care too much... and frankly, it puts me in the pickle I'm in now, as despite all the negativity I've felt from and for her, I still care for her, love her, and want her in my life. But she needs to see me for me, not for her idealized "son".

No, I told my brother much later on, and his reaction when I told her about her reaction was "Screw her, do what you want and don't worry about it."

[Beverly]

If you need to transition then you need to transition. If your mother will not support you then you will have to do it without her support.

For all your brother's colourful way of expressing it, he is exactly right.

[Beth Andrea]

When I first told my mom (long-distance, we live far apart) she was totally accepting of it.

A week later, she called and just totally chewed me out for it, and the next day I got a letter from her with the same raging opinion (so she must have mailed it a day or two before calling me)

Two weeks later, she called to apologize, she'd seen a Dr Oz program on TS and realized that this just won't go away, and it's not my choice.

So, we ok again.

[Charley Bea(EmeraldP)]

For me personally my mum knows I am trans and seems to be handling it okay we even had a discussion about names as the one i was planning on using has sort of soured on me, I came out to my brother after a blow up with a friend(sorted now) and he took it well apparently he almost cried knowing I trusted him enough with such knowledge(he told me so) but as I was in anxiety attack mode over my argument with said friend, he suggested he tell our parents for me, at this stage I couldn't even stand up without my legs collapsing under me, I get bad anxiety, once last year I had such a bad one everyone(including nurses) at first thought i might have been having a heart attack scary though for a then 24 year old.

Anyway so I nodded my approval and he went into the lounge room and told them, their reaction reportedly was "Well that's not surprising" lol Although what they meant was they knew i had been hiding something but I thought the choice of words was funny and that calmed me down.

So yes my folks, my brother, two friends and two psychs aswell as two GP's know, I do not regret a minute of it of them all knowing and while it can be hard to discuss sometimes I do talk to them about it as said before had a few discussions with my mum about it and until recently unbeknownst to me she had been doing her own research on the subject to better understand.

She does say that for now she will see me as her son the little boy she gave birth until down the line. I understand that, it can hurt at times but i understand cest la vie.

Basically what I am saying is she is your mother and she will love you no matter who you are, it maybe difficult at first but she will understand eventually but she will never stop loving you.

Sorry bout that drabble(real word?) but I have alot on my mind tonight lol

[Firecat]

I tried to sit and have a chat with her... I just can't.  I can't even be in the same room with her without feeling insecure, anxious, and neurotic.  She is that bad and unsupportive of me in anything I try to come to her about.  She has the audacity to criticize me on any occasion she gets.   I'm delaying MY transitioning just so I can prove myself to her, and I'm beginning to feel that its both wrong and not worth it, that I need to get on with my life, and she can come to terms on her own.

[MadelineB]

I tried to sit and have a chat with her... I just can't.  I can't even be in the same room with her without feeling insecure, anxious, and neurotic.  She is that bad and unsupportive of me in anything I try to come to her about.  She has the audacity to criticize me on any occasion she gets.   I'm delaying MY transitioning just so I can prove myself to her, and I'm beginning to feel that its both wrong and not worth it, that I need to get on with my life, and she can come to terms on her own.

Firecat,
Some of us are blessed with understanding, supportive, healthy mental functioning parents, and some of us have a toxic parent. You probably carry a lot of emotional scars from your relationship if she is as you describe. Having been there myself, I recommend you find a good therapist that you can talk over your feelings and your fears with. Besides your gender transition, you also need to consider emotionally emancipating yourself from this toxic parent, or at least learning the skills to be able to say, this is her problem not my mine, I am terrific and she is the one missing out.

Even toxic parents can grow up, change, and come around, but you can't make them do it or speed up their progress. You have to love and take care of yourself in place of the parent who just isn't capable of giving that to you right now. You can't hold up needed changes and progress in your life to try to please someone else. That isn't healthy and it doesn't work.

[Firecat]

This is very true.  And what I did tonight was probably just as important.  Instead of telling a parent that would probably have my ass out on the street, I've told my friend and potential room mate in the months to come.   He was confused by it, as I rather just blurted it out... and once i started it just kept going and going.  Its a lot to take in he says, but he is cool with it, that he doesn't judge on other peoples' preferences and interests... so yeah.

He also said it wasn't completely out of the blue, and that I do tend to act feminine at times. Sooooo 

[MadelineB]

This is very true.  And what I did tonight was probably just as important.  Instead of telling a parent that would probably have my ass out on the street, I've told my friend and potential room mate in the months to come.   He was confused by it, as I rather just blurted it out... and once i started it just kept going and going.  Its a lot to take in he says, but he is cool with it, that he doesn't judge on other peoples' preferences and interests... so yeah.

He also said it wasn't completely out of the blue, and that I do tend to act feminine at times. Sooooo 

I'm so happy for you FC, that was a BIG step. Friends are such a blessing.

[Firecat]

Yeah    Though its an odd sort of feeling. Most people I tell, I get to feeling a sense of relief, and it usually makes me open up a lot more, and possibly makes me feel a little naughty at the same time... This time I don't feel... bad...  I feel exposed.  8 years worth of secrets just out in the open like that. On one hand yeah its a relief, on the other, I'm not sure how to approach things from there.  I don't doubt who I am inside, I question how I'm going to bring her out to show people.

[MadelineB]

Yeah    Though its an odd sort of feeling. Most people I tell, I get to feeling a sense of relief, and it usually makes me open up a lot more, and possibly makes me feel a little naughty at the same time... This time I don't feel... bad...  I feel exposed.  8 years worth of secrets just out in the open like that. On one hand yeah its a relief, on the other, I'm not sure how to approach things from there.  I don't doubt who I am inside, I question how I'm going to bring her out to show people.

Remember that being the new girl on the block comes with certain prerogatives. These include:
following your intuition,
doing what feels right,
and changing your mind as many times a day as the first two dictate.

If you had to have a well laid plan before you started something, you wouldn't be like most young women who are learning to express their personality to the world. We just start later at it, but we have the advantage of our lifetime of learning about ourselves so it doesn't hurt like it would if we were going through budding womanhood at 13. For them, everything is the end of the world. For us, it is just the beginning. Have fun and follow your heart.

[Emily Aster]

I tried the hypothetical with my mother also and was very displeased with the results. As it stands though, I did eventually tell my mother and she's the only person in the family that knows. Her disposition changed when it was real instead of a what if question. She even took the time to explain clothing sizes to me, which I still need to look up on the internet all the time because they're really confusing. That's not to say it's necessarily awesome. It's still our little secret. She blames herself and would just assume let it fade away out of memory, but at least she's nice about it. I even got her to read a book about it.

[Beverly]

That sounds really good. Congrats...

[Firecat]

Okay, so, it took me a while to get up the confidence to do it.  It was  Thanksgiving day. Spending time with the family was nice and all, but I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into depression. I couldn't take it anymore.  I wanted so bad to just tell her and be over with it.  So I did just that.  I waited til it was just her and I in the house, and I walked into the kitchen with her, started talking, and didn't stop until I'd spilled the beans and told her everything. Literally, everything.

  She took it really well, surprisingly. Her obvious concerns being for the way society would treat me, and funny enough about the size of my feet.  But she was really cool with it!  We got to talking for hours and hours.  I asked her if she would support me if I did make the decision, she said she would try, but it's like her son is dying.  Understandable enough.

So I told my therapist about this that following wednesday, and she was really, really impressed.  Between that, seeking the support groups, and telling most of my friends about this, she said it's time I consider looking into endocrinologists and looking to get on HRT soon. And I fully agreed. Last time, I'd said I should put myself on a two month waiting period, but it seems in my heart that I just can't let this go by any means, and waiting only makes it worse. So that was the deal. 

I then went to my support group on this past friday, and one of the women who run the meetings actually gave me the name of her Endocrinologist, and said he is really good, that he just needs a letter from a PCP. I had told my PCP in the past about my transgender issues, and that I'm trying to become female, yadda yadda, and he'd pulled me aside and said "You know, I don't care if you're male, female, somewhere in between, this is a safe place, and you're always welcome to come and talk, whatever the case may be."  So, I believe he'll be more than willing to help me out--him being a year out of med school, I feel it will be best to get a letter from my therapist for him.

SO. I've told almost everyone who matters to me about my issues, I've learned to have some real pride in this side of me through my support group meetings and wonderful friends otherwise...  I've read some books such as, and especially "She's not there" (love it)... I've been doing as much research as possible on the good and the bad of HRT... I've come to the decision I don't want to live without this big change.  So, I'm going to get a letter from my therapist, which will hopefully get a letter from my PCP, which will in turn hopefully get me to seeing a really good endocrinologist, and that my journey to finally becoming the real me can begin very soon 

[MadelineB]

That's wonderful news Firecat. You have a lot to be proud of. It must feel like a great relief to have the secret out, and to be on your way.

[Beverly]

I found that coming out lifted a huge burden from me. Beforehand I was so scared but afterwards I was so relieved that I no longer had to hide.

Congratulations on having passed that milestone. IMO it is the single biggest one we all face.

x x

[Firecat]

Yeah! The only person I have left to tell is my father. He lives about 2,000 miles away, and I only see him two days a year, and only talk to him on the phone once in a blue moon.  Telling him is important, but it isn't critical right now. I'll wait til I'm ready for that.

But yeah, talking face to face with my own kind, reading the books, seeing how courageous and strong trans people are, and just feeling how happy I am around the community, and how much it opens up socially... I'm proud to be trans. In fact, I am very proud. I am proud to finally be becoming who I should be. I just wanted to throw this out there; I find the transgender community to be among the strongest, most enduring, courageous, and bold people in the world, and I've always had the deepest admiration for you all. The #1 most important thing that I find attractive in anybody is the ability to express one's true, inner self, no matter what. Well, as long as it doesn't hurt anybody, which we don't!