Finally coming to terms with myself. Now, how to tell my husband....

[Adrian_Michael]

Hi, I'm Adrian.

A little backstory....

I have been living a lie, a spiderweb of fiction that culminated in marriage and a child.

I've always known something was wrong with the person I wanted everyone to believe I was.

I've been different for a long time. When I was 16, I started dressing, and was instantly demoralized and marginalized. So I stopped. When I was 18, I started again, but was met with the same result.

So I stopped. I stopped dressing how I wanted, and I stopped acting like the person I felt I was.

I buried him deep inside. So deep inside I denied his existence.

Further backstory:

I'm pansexual, so relationships with cismales weren't abnormal to me, I just wasn't keen on my own body. I ended up married to a wonderful man... We have a wonderful child.

But I'm not happy. I nurture and I support, but I am not happy in my own skin, and it shows. It shows when he calls me his "wonderful woman" and I cringe. It shows in my own disgruntled opinion of my abnormally huge chest.

The problem is....my husband is pretty 'male-phobic'.

He was abused and now treats all men with an air of distrust and disgust. He doesn't remotely think men are attractive, and gets upset at even the mention of a 3 some with another guy(I was testing a theory about him even being in the same room as an erect penis, I was right). He also doesn't like my own ...erm.......personal toy......and looks upon it warily, if at all.


He's an amazing man, and a wonderful partner and father....but I know he will never accept me as the man I am.

How can I get past this?

Do I just blurt it out and lose my marriage?

Do I just stop being so "girly" and hope he accepts the change(I haven't shaved my legs in months, he doesn't seem to mind that hair)?

Do I decide that my love for him and our partnership may require sacrifice of my true self?

Do I decide that my love for him and our partnership are not worth my unhappiness?




I've contemplated requesting a radical double mastectomy based on a false history of early onset breast cancer, but that just seems underhanded....though it would be accepted by my husband....because it's health related.


I'm just....lost.

Help?

[DriftingCrow]

I am kind of in a similiar situation--living as female and married to a straight male. I don't have a child though.

My husband and I are mainly just friends--we've stopped loving each other a long time ago.

My husband called me on being trans about 6 months ago through a series of text messages. He said my masculinity somewhat attracted him at first, and he was always suspicious (when we first met I told him about how I like short hair, lifting weights, and how I wanted to become a cop). Before he called me out on this, he had mentioned how he'd rather raise kids with another man if that was the best situation for the child/relationship.

Still, I am afraid to come out to him. He can be really fickle, and often twists the meaning of things he has previously said, so I am afraid that it would just cause a massive explosion. Since we aren't lovers, and we're realy only together for financial reasons, I am sure it will go over better than if he actually loved me and if we had children.  I am also wary of the ramifications of coming out in general-due to the bad economy we're stuck living at my father's house, who's anti-LGBT. I know if I tell my husband that I want to start living male, I am going to want to start living male right away, even though it's probably not the best time.

Ultimately, I feel no matter my situation, it's better to tell the truth once the time feels right, because even though I think sometimes that it's unfair to him to come out as trans and it's best to just be female, it's actually more unfair to him to keep living as female in this relationship.

Sorry I don't have any good advice for your specific questions Adrian, I just thought that you'd like to know that there's other people out here dealing with similiar issues.

----

Also, just wanted to mention that I am glad you posted your questions. I came to susans' with the hope of finding other trans people who are trying to figure out, or have already, how to come out to a straight spouse.

I am also adding to this post for clarity: my husband never texted me "I know you're trans." It wasn't that clear, it was more like "I know your DEEPEST DARKEST SECRET" during the middle of a heated texting argument. Some of the texts that came after that made it clear to me that he was alluding to a desire to be male.

[insideontheoutside]

It's a tough situation.

I fully believe that people should be able to be themselves and be happy, but I also believe that in life we have to make a lot of compromises. The thing is, if a compromise completely takes away your ability to be yourself and be happy then to me, it's too drastic of a compromise. I believe you also can't make someone else see things your way and make them compromise, because again, that's trampling all over someone else's happiness and comfort zone. Even in a perfect relationship or marriage there are compromises. But it works out best if parties are in mutual agreement. Your partner may not want to work and would rather stay home and raise a child, but if you guys can't live on only 1 income, that partner may have to compromise and get a job. That's just one example. There's tons of different compromises. In my own marriage, one of my compromises is that I don't actually get a sex partner (partner is asexual) but in most ways that doesn't bother me at all. So it's not a serious enough blow to my happiness. I also act, dress and look how I want and my partner is perfectly fine with it. We both put on an acting job for the rest of the world when he refers to me as his "wife". But at the end of the day, that doesn't totally compromise my happiness either. He knows what's up with me and he's fine with it. Even if I had a beard and a fully functioning penis and wanted to change my name, he'd still be fine with it. So while we don't have a romantic relationship or any children, we have our compromises and there is a form of true love and acceptance going on.

It really bothers me to hear people's stories where one partner would just up and leave them and basically throw away their whole history with that partner just because of gender. I get it that some people are just 100% straight and aren't cool with then being married to someone of the same sex, but to just drop a long term or otherwise loving relationship because of that just makes me feel sad. I always would hope that some mutual compromises could be made. But I've heard some people describe it like they "fell in love with a lie", which if that's how they really feel, I guess can't blame them for not wanting to be in the relationship anymore. I guess it's just about as sad as living a lie. I don't know where I'm going with this.

I would say you just need to sort out and make sure that you would never be happy continuing with your life the way it is. You could do what a lot of couples seem to do and that is come out to your partner and find out how much they would be okay with and then start experimenting. Like experiment with dressing the way you want first and see how that goes over. Do your hair the way you want and see how that goes over. Each little step you make is bringing you more into your comfort zone and if your partner can handle that at least it buys you more time to decide if you want to go further or what.

I'm kind of an odd ball because I'm way older than the average person here and I never got a chance early on to transition, so I'm basically not transitioning. 98% of my friends and all of my family call me by my given name and refer to me as female. I don't like it but I realized a few years back (I tried to get on T and that didn't work out for me) I had to find my own happiness through "alternate" routes (aka not transitioning). I am just me. So I sometimes confuse the world, but I just say screw it and dress how I want and continue being me. I may try T again in the future but I'd only go on it for a short time – enough time to make me more androgynous male. I'm pretty androgynous as it is but the small amount of facial hair I can grow isn't enough for people to make that male determination. I'd love to get chest surgery but I'm really kind of anti-surgery for myself unless it's 100% needed because I know how hardcore surgery really is on the body. I'm all about just being as healthy as I can be so even HRT is something I don't actually want to do again. I've been working on my physical appearance just by working out and that makes me feel more confident about my body. Buy like I said, I'm an oddball and I don't really know anyone else doing what I'm doing and being even remotely happy about it. It's certainly not for everyone and I lucked out with the few friends I have who know the real me and of course my partner. That makes a huge difference in my life. That and the fact that I really am myself. I don't put on an act for people anymore. And that hasn't been a problem for me. People accept that I'm androgynous and I "act" like a guy.

[the_physicist]

never an easy situation.

my partner has a huge amount of internalised homophobia. he's working through it for the sake of our relationship.

i have often asked myself if i did the right thing telling him, if this ended up ending our relationship... if then maybe the cost might not have been too high. i'm still on the fence about that. but so far so good.

if your husband really does love you, he might be willing to consider working on his own issues in therapy maybe. that doesn't mean he might ever be able to accept you as male. if he isn't gay, nothing will change that.

how far do you want to do with transitioning, what is it important to you? social and medical transition? only social? only medical? early on there is a lot to work through and it's hard to see how much change you will need to be happy.

you aren't alone in that kind of situation and let's be honest, it's the kind of situation that has been responsible for so many trans men throughout history never being able to be themselves, because they were married to men with kids. and still is probably the case a fair amount. we aren't selfish enough to transition. but you only have this one life. life is short. can you really live it not being yourself and not have regrets? it shouldn't be this unfair, that you have to decide like this, but sadly there's so easy way out of this, people will end up hurt regardless of what you chose. but... consider yourself and your own needs, they are not unimportant, don't push them away.

[the_physicist]

Buy like I said, I'm an oddball and I don't really know anyone else doing what I'm doing and being even remotely happy about it.

Well, hi there!   

Although i do have the benefit that my friends are calling me by my male name. Never been on T either, not sure it's a medical possibility, so i will pretend it isn't because i have to do this even if i can never get on T. and as it's working out right now... i think i might not go on T even if it is possible. because if i can do this without, then no need to go with.

do wish i had a beard though

[sneakersjay]

I have seen it work, and I have seen it fail.  It depends on how committed each is to the relationship.  In these cases I think it is definitely harder for the partner, as they were attracted to and fell in love with one gender, but now find their SO is really another.  It's a huge shift in perspective, a huge loss of the person they fell in love with (ie the future plans and ideas they thought would come to pass will not), etc.

Compromises can be made, to a point.  I don't think you (the general generic you) can deny yourself forever.  There comes a time where we have to be true to ourselves and stop living a lie.

A guy I know in a relationship with a woman decided to transition slowly to accommodate his wife's needs, meaning taking very low doses of T at first so his changes occurred very gradually.  They are still together 4+ years later.  Wife was pretty attached to her lesbian identity, but with counseling etc decided she loved her partner and wants to be with him even though he is now a man.  i've seen others fall apart despite some hard work and compromises.

Counseling will be in order for both of you.  Good luck!  FWIW I was divorced prior to transition, but had to come out to the ex.  There are kids involved.  He was NOT happy about it.  We now do have an amicable relationship but I basically had to say let's start over.  Tell all of our former acquaintances that your ex-wife died, moved to South America, whatever. that she is gone and not coming back.  And then I said, Hi, I'm Jay, nice to meet you.  As in I am a different person.  While a lot of me is still me, I really have changed as I have become more comfortable in my own skin.  I am not the person he was married to for all of those years.  But we can amicably co-parent the kids, who are cool with me.

Jay

[Adrian_Michael]

Thank you all for your replies.

I am in a pretty crappy situation. My only advantage is the child is young enough that transition won't be too difficult.

My marriage, on the other hand.....*sigh*

I love him...I'm attracted to him...but I'm not what he needs. He needs a doting housewife, and, well, let's be real here, I hate being that.

Yes, I love cooking, but that's in my blood(I come from a line of restauranteurs). Cleaning, vacuuming, dishes, laundry, etc, are not my thing.

My husband is the quintessential 50's male. I am your typical 90's metrosexual male. I care about my appearance, and my hair will always be styled, my nails neat and trimmed.

We don't mix. At all. Only with my facade, my lie, my mask, do we mix. I would be okay not being forced to be the housewife.

I am a work at home parent...but I don't think he would be happy with me not doing those "wifely duty" things.

[AdamMLP]

I expect my girlfriend to leave me when I come out to her.  She's said that if she got attracted to a guy then she'd just roll with it, so she's not hung up on only liking women or anything, and she knows me just as she would if I was out -- I don't put on an act for anyone, not my clothes, my mannerisms, nothing -- the only difference is that I have a female name and get referred to by female pronouns.  Still, if she came out to me as trans I don't think I could handle it, I've tried being with people who ID'd as male, and it just didn't work at all.  It wasn't that I didn't love them, I just loved them the wrong way.  They were more like very close siblings to me, whereas I was a lover to them and it just ended in complete misery for both of us.  I would try and make it work because she's the only person who has ever been able to make truly happy and she's just generally amazing, but I'm not sure if it ever could.  It was hard enough for me to cope with the reminders of sexual assault when we got intimate at first, and I'd be terrified that it would would rekindle that fear.

But fortunately the closest she's said to coming out as trans was wanting a breast reduction, which if she did one day get I'd be cool with.  And there's every chance that we break up before I'm eighteen and transitioning, relationships at my age don't normally last forever in my experience.  If we don't break up then I would have to work out whether it's worth losing her just to go on T.  Unfortunately it probably is.

I can see how it would work, and also I can see how it can fail.

[sneakersjay]

One thing that may or may not be useful, but made things hugely easier for me.

It sounds like your relationship wouldn't last, trans or not, because you're not the 50s housewife, no matter how good at it you pretend to be (BTDT).  So if you think things are rocky now, it might be easier in the long run to divorce first, then once all those issues are done, then transition.  Not having my spouse involved in my business let me transition at my own pace.

Obviously if you want to keep your marriage, then this won't work. Talking with a good gender therapist can be very helpful.

Jay

[the_physicist]

I am a work at home parent...but I don't think he would be happy with me not doing those "wifely duty" things.

That's something that isn't even necessarily related to you being trans*. If you weren't trans* you might still not see your place in life being a stay at home parent. If that is not what you want to do with your life, because it's not for you, but that is some expectation he has that you must fulfil... then maybe it would be wise to talk to him about that before even going into the trans* issues. Because all that aside, whatever you decide for yourself in terms of transitioning or not or coming out or not, you need to live your life. If he can't even accept you needing to that and would be unwilling to bend for that... well, at least give him a chance. If he really can't put your happiness about something like that first, you might find it easier to let go of him.

When a relationship falls apart because of gender and sexuality conflicts... if he isn't gay, there is nothing either he nor you can really do... that is sad. But if there are issues that this would fall apart over anyway, that he could do something about...

I think you should talk to him frankly first about what you want in life. What do you want to do? Who do you want to be is very abstract and in my opinion not a very helpful question to ask yourself. What do you want to experience, what do you want to effect? That is what is important.

[insideontheoutside]

Jay's got a good point there.

No matter how much you love someone, if they're straight up expecting you to be a doting housewife who does all the chores, that's whack. Especially in this day and age. It's not 1950 anymore and unless someone actually enjoys doing housework, I really think both parties should be helping out with it. That's not a great form of compromise to me, when one partner is doing all the chores just because the other has some antiquated notion that's what a certain gender should do in a marriage.

[Adrian_Michael]

I do have to correct one thing: He DOES do housework and the like, mostly after a huge fight we had.

You see, on top of all of this, I am disabled, physically, and suffer depression from it.

A long time ago(about two years ago, before we got married) I was angry with him for constantly doing FOR me instead of letting me do for me.

I told him to back the "f" off and let me do something around the house now and again, I was tired of him treating me like I was useless.

He took it and ran with it, and stopped doing everything.


Recently, with the baby and everything, I've been overwhelmed with the demands put upon me and we had a huge fallout.

He's gotten better and things are smoother, but he still makes little comments(ie, "you didn't have time to vacuum?" "isn't dinner ready yet?" "this is such a mess" etc) that upset me.

He reasons that he works 12 hours days, 6 days a week, with 45 minute travel time each way, and therefor should be allowed to rest and relax once he gets home.

He's ignored the fact that I work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, sometimes pulling double duty during my work hours, as worker and parent.

He only acknowledges my stress when it is to the boiling point.


I have friends who watch him dismiss me constantly(often saying things like how I should go back to counseling), and they are livid.


I am asked constantly if it's "worth it" by my best friend, even before I came out to her.

Now she's even more adamant about me reevaluating the worth of the marriage.



I guess it boils down to, he was my best friend long before we got together, and he wasn't like this 4 years ago. I keep hoping it's stress, or a phase, but I'm not sure anymore.

I do know he will never accept me as I truly am. I chopped my hair today in a boyish cut(which he liked), but also mentioned that I planned on stopping shaving my armpits(it's been a few weeks and it's growing in) and he told me I would "for sure" shave again, because " obviously don't like long hair" because I cut my hair. He rolled his eyes when I explained the difference.

He doesn't mind the fact that I haven't shaved my legs in months, so that's a good thing. And he's already told me he'd love my body without my breasts(based on a radical double mastectomy due to the "BRCA" gene(which I want to get tested for)).

But I don't think he'd accept the fact that I just don't want them. I don't think he'd accept the fact that I am scouring sites for packers and binders.



*sigh*

There's also the financial issue. If we broke it off completely, I'd be homeless and screwed...and lacking a good friend.

[Zerro]

I do have to correct one thing: He DOES do housework and the like, mostly after a huge fight we had.

You see, on top of all of this, I am disabled, physically, and suffer depression from it.

A long time ago(about two years ago, before we got married) I was angry with him for constantly doing FOR me instead of letting me do for me.

I told him to back the "f" off and let me do something around the house now and again, I was tired of him treating me like I was useless.

He took it and ran with it, and stopped doing everything.


Recently, with the baby and everything, I've been overwhelmed with the demands put upon me and we had a huge fallout.

He's gotten better and things are smoother, but he still makes little comments(ie, "you didn't have time to vacuum?" "isn't dinner ready yet?" "this is such a mess" etc) that upset me.

He reasons that he works 12 hours days, 6 days a week, with 45 minute travel time each way, and therefor should be allowed to rest and relax once he gets home.

He's ignored the fact that I work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, sometimes pulling double duty during my work hours, as worker and parent.

He only acknowledges my stress when it is to the boiling point.


I have friends who watch him dismiss me constantly(often saying things like how I should go back to counseling), and they are livid.


I am asked constantly if it's "worth it" by my best friend, even before I came out to her.

Now she's even more adamant about me reevaluating the worth of the marriage.



I guess it boils down to, he was my best friend long before we got together, and he wasn't like this 4 years ago. I keep hoping it's stress, or a phase, but I'm not sure anymore.

I do know he will never accept me as I truly am. I chopped my hair today in a boyish cut(which he liked), but also mentioned that I planned on stopping shaving my armpits(it's been a few weeks and it's growing in) and he told me I would "for sure" shave again, because " obviously don't like long hair" because I cut my hair. He rolled his eyes when I explained the difference.

He doesn't mind the fact that I haven't shaved my legs in months, so that's a good thing. And he's already told me he'd love my body without my breasts(based on a radical double mastectomy due to the "BRCA" gene(which I want to get tested for)).

But I don't think he'd accept the fact that I just don't want them. I don't think he'd accept the fact that I am scouring sites for packers and binders.



*sigh*

There's also the financial issue. If we broke it off completely, I'd be homeless and screwed...and lacking a good friend.

I sort of skimmed this thread, but wasn't sure if I could say anything until I read this post. Please forgive me if I don't sugarcoat things, but I think it might be best if I'm to the point.

Is he REALLY a good friend? Really? Because he sounds like he needs to be thrown out of a twelve story building and left to fend for himself.

Your friends hate the way he treats you, you seem to hate the way he treats you, too. If people on the outside, so to speak, are noticing things, it's time to reevaluate your priorities.

Marriage is an equal partnership, regardless of your gender. If he doesn't respect you in turn, he is not being a good partner. You both work hard, and sure, everyone needs a break sometimes, but that's no excuse to treat you like some sort of housekeeping slave. You need help, you need support, and he's clearly not acting like a responsible adult if he's rolling his eyes at you and ignoring your problems until they boil over.

I will tell you something, because I've been in a similar situation. He WILL NOT change. This attitude is not a phase.

Unfortunately, many people will drop the facades they put up when they are at a point where they feel they are in complete control over their partners. It's a harsh reality not a lot of people want to acknowledge, but it needs to be addressed.

He's not going to suddenly embrace you and be your best friend again. That much, I can tell you.

You seem to know this anyway. You know he won't want to be with you if you transition, and you know he doesn't respect you now.

Is the financial benefit of having a partner really worth it? And I'm not just talking about you, mate. Think about your kids. They aren't stupid. When children grow up, they can tell that things are wrong with their families, even if they can't find the proper words to express why they feel it's as such. My parents didn't fight in front of me and acted like everything was okay when I was a young child and I could still *tell* that something was terribly wrong. It was scary, knowing that there was something terrible going on under it all, but not being able to do anything about it. If you remain with a disrespectful partner, you risk putting your children through a lot of pain and suffering, just as you risk putting yourself through it all. Do you want to put on an act to your children, about how everything is fine and how you and your partner are the perfect example of a relationship, only to have it crumble when they figure things out? Are you going to make excuses about how it's okay for your partner to disrespect you and dismiss your feelings because he has a hard life?

You say you'll be on your own and out a good friend, but is he really such a good friend? Look at his actions. Listen to what other people are saying to you. The way he treats you is wrong, having a stressful job and terrible background are not excuses. They will never be excuses.

If you choose to break it off with him, you won't be homeless, not forever. If you can find a job or a shelter to take you in until you can provide for your own housing, or if you have a friend that supports you who is willing to help you find work and get yourself a stable living situation, there are options. There are resources for people to crash on couches or people looking for trans friendly roommates, etc.

Is it easy? No. I can understand being reluctant about even considering leaving the comfort of a home and partner. But is it worth it? I can't tell you, you have to figure out what your priorities are for yourself.

Not even considering transitioning initially in these questions, ask yourself: Am I happy? Why am I not happy? What do I need to do to take care of myself? Do I feel like I have an equal place in this marriage? Do I feel isolated from others? Am I making excuses for my partner's behavior? If I am, why am I doing it? Am I afraid of the future? What resources are available to me? What can I do to ensure that I am healthy, both physically and mentally?

This might not be what you want to hear, but your posts about your relationship concern me, as someone who has been in an abusive romantic relationship and a friendship. A lot of the things you talk about raise serious red flags, and I agree with your best friend in that you should seriously reevaluate your relationship if all these things are happening. Be safe and just do what you can to keep yourself well. 

The physicist raised an excellent question: What do YOU want to do?

[insideontheoutside]

Zerro is right I think. Just from what you're typing here and the explaining we're all getting a picture of what's going on and regardless of the spouse thing, a true friend would not treat you that way.

That's kind of the crappy thing about love. It blinds everyone to realities that are going on right in front of their eyes. It makes up excuses for other people's bad behavior. You may still love him, but it doesn't seem like a healthy kind of love when it's not being reciprocated.

[FTMDiaries]

Um. Wow. Are you inside my head?

I'm in a similar situation. I've been married for 15 years and we have two teenage children. I came out to my husband in July and to the kids in August. None of them have taken it very well at all. Just yesterday my daughters said they didn't want to live with me when I transition because they don't want the embarrassment of explaining to their friends why they have 'two dads'. Ouch.

My hubby used to be my best friend too, and he was a VERY different person for the first two years of our relationship, than he has been for the subsequent 15. As soon as we had bought a house and had a baby on the way he started to change. (Or more appropriately, he started to drop his disguise). He has broken almost every promise and agreement we came to before marrying. I could also go on & on about how annoyed I get at his presumption that I'll take care of the cleaning. He grew up with a stay-at-home mother who is very houseproud so he just presumes everything will magically happen without his involvement. I am NOT a housewife!

We will definitely be getting a divorce, but to be honest our relationship died several years ago. I'd planned to leave him back in 2009, but he fell seriously ill in early 2010 so I stayed with him to take care of him, hoping against hope that it would draw us together again. It improved our relationship for a little while, but it really only papered over the cracks.

The real problem we have (and the one I'm guessing you & your husband also share) is one of incompatibility of expectation. Your husband wants a 1950s housewife (amongst other things) and that's just not you. I'd imagine you want him to be something he's not, too. In my case, my husband is happy to just coast along from one day to the next with no ambition, whereas I've worked very hard to improve our lives - increasing my salary by 300% since we first met. That led to a major issue for me: because I have always been the main breadwinner in our house, he put enormous pressure on me to return to work immediately after having the kids - so my daughters were farmed out to his mother from 3 months of age. Which means that I completely missed out on the opportunity to raise my own children... something I'd always wanted. Oh, and I'm disabled too - I'm not at all suited to working with other people but I've been forced to do so in order to bring in the bacon.

So, due to our incompatibilities our relationship has been pretty much over for several years now, and we've just been coasting along together out of habit and because it's less stressful than breaking up. So you know what he did when I came out? He was relieved that he finally has an excuse for us to split up that he doesn't have to take the blame for. I wish I'd initiated divorce proceedings before coming out to him, because (rightly or wrongly) I've handed him some ammo for his side.

As for your child: have you considered how the legal system where you live might react to a transgender parent seeking custody of their child? They shouldn't discriminate against you, but will they? It's worth finding out as I daresay you won't want to weaken your case - especially (it kills me to say this!) if you're already disabled and he's already the main breadwinner. If you think they'll be prejudiced against you it might be better to divorce, seek custody (suing for support and accommodation if appropriate), and then transition.

Basically, if you are incompatible you'd be best advised to carefully consider your relationship before your child gets any older. You only get one life and if you're not happy within your own skin, you probably won't be happy in a relationship that forces you to remain living in it. Only you can tell.

[DriftingCrow]

My situation is similiar to both Adrian's and FTMDiaries; my husband did feel like my best friend, and then he seemed to change completely overnight once we got married, and all communication broke down. We both made mistakes in the relationship, but he never forgives anything and says it's all my fault that he cheated on me twice (which I don't mind, I'd rather have him screwing someone else than me anyways). He always says that I show him no respect, but I find it hard to respect him when he doesn't respect me--I think he's hurtful and arrogant; he's probably even verbally abusive (he's often said things to me like "since you act like a dog, I have no choice but to treat you like a dog"). After he found another girlfriend, he told me he wanted a divorce, and I was so happy. But then, he dumped her and he told me that he found out that she was just as psycho as me, so if he's going to be with a psycho he mine as well just stay with me.

Luckily we don't have kids, and I plan to keep it that way. But, even though I feel there's not much of anything keeping me in this relationship, I feel an obligation to stay with him, at least for a little while longer. He's physically disabled, and has been in the hospital for over a year now; without me he'd have no money, no one to visit him or talk to. Even when he wasn't hospitalized, he was having trouble getting a job due to the economy and discrimination against disabled people (if it wasn't for me working, we would hav never been able to pay the rent). He also wasn't able to finish his bachelor's degree, while I was able to finish my degree and am now halfway through law school, with a nice internship and possible future at the firm. It seems irresponsible and kind of assholish for me to just leave him now while he's at his weakest. Even though we don't get along well in a romantic relationship, I know I wouldn't be in law school if it wasn't for him, so I feel like I should stick with it until he gets out of the hospital and back on the track to prospering in his own career or schooling. If we get divorced once I finish school and get working, I'd be willing to even pay him alimony and help him out as much as I can for a reasonable amount of time.

I just don't want to be one of those people who tries hard to be helpful and caring, and then just ends up getting stabbed in the back. I also don't want to finish school, and for him to get out of the hospital, but then continue to feel obligated to stay with him, always telling myself "I'll leave once he gets working," and then ten years passes by.

[FTMDiaries]

LearnedHand... I used to work for a respected Domestic Violence charity and from reading your post I can tell you that you are describing the characteristics of an emotionally abusive relationship. This can be much more harmful than physical abuse, and it can have long-lasting consequences.

Obviously I only have your two posts on this subject on which to base my suspicions so I could easily be way off base... but I can say this in general: abusers feel a need to dominate their partner in order to maintain power and control over the relationship. But you actually hold all the cards.

Have a look at this and see whether any of it rings true. There are helpline numbers on the page in case you want to call someone. http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

I'd recommend you start keeping records of every time he puts you down or makes you feel bad about yourself in any way, to see whether there's a pattern (you do say he does this often). Use your Law School training to build a case. Note the date & time, what was said, and who was present. Keep any texts or voicemail messages that he sends you. All of this could be useful evidence should you ever need it.

Let's look at some examples from your latest post:

...he never forgives anything and says it's all my fault that he cheated on me twice

Abusers love blaming others for their own abusive behaviour. It's a way of deflecting blame from themselves - and of grinding down your self-esteem. That's why he tries to twist the blame on to you whenever anything goes wrong.

I think he's hurtful and arrogant; he's probably even verbally abusive (he's often said things to me like "since you act like a dog, I have no choice but to treat you like a dog").

Abusers belittle their targets so that they can dominate the relationship. They know that if they can keep you down you'll be less likely to walk out. But as the great Eleanor Roosevelt said: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". You have every right to withdraw that consent at any time, even if you've consented for years.

After he found another girlfriend, he told me he wanted a divorce, and I was so happy. But then, he dumped her and he told me that he found out that she was just as psycho as me, so if he's going to be with a psycho he mine as well just stay with me.

Same as above: he's trying to humiliate you, to knock down your self-esteem so that he can maintain power over you. Nobody has the right to get away with calling you a 'psycho'. You can withdraw your consent.

I feel an obligation to stay with him, at least for a little while longer. He's physically disabled, and has been in the hospital for over a year now; without me he'd have no money, no one to visit him or talk to. ... He also wasn't able to finish his bachelor's degree ... he was having trouble getting a job due to the economy and discrimination against disabled people

You feel that way because you're a good person, but I doubt that any of these problems in his life are actually your fault. If he needs your support as much as you suggest, he has to do a better job of earning it.

It seems irresponsible and kind of assholish for me to just leave him now while he's at his weakest.

Let's turn this quote around: don't you agree that it seems 'irresponsible and kind of assholish' for him to treat you like dirt while he's in this situation? You have the right to demand that he treats you with respect and care if he wants you to continue looking after him.

I know I wouldn't be in law school if it wasn't for him, so I feel like I should stick with it until he gets out of the hospital and back on the track to prospering in his own career or schooling.

I understand your desire to repay him for law school, but do you honestly think that putting up with years of neglect and abuse is the right price? Why not just move out now, graduate, and eventually send him a cheque when you're financially stable?

I just don't want to be one of those people who tries hard to be helpful and caring, and then just ends up getting stabbed in the back.

This is already happening, in slow motion. Look at the examples above. See? You already have the power to stop this dead in its tracks. I made the same mistake myself.

I also don't want to finish school, and for him to get out of the hospital, but then continue to feel obligated to stay with him, always telling myself "I'll leave once he gets working," and then ten years passes by.

Then don't. You already have the power to get out now if you want to. Picture yourself at age 34: what decisions would you have wanted the 24-year-old version of yourself to have made, to get yourself to where you want to be?

[Adrian_Michael]

UPDATE:

The deed is done.

I was confronting him on his abusive tendencies, and when that wasn't going well, me being trans* kind of just came out.

It's over, he's 'devastated', we're trying to figure out logistics for the baby...not quite sure exactly how things are going to play out.

I do expect to lose 90% of my friends and family.

*sigh*

[FTMDiaries]

*sigh* indeed.

When I did the same thing, it was very painful (and it still is) but it was absolutely the right thing to do.

Good luck.

[Zerro]

Ouch. At least there's the other ten percent to think about? You've got friends here at Susan's, if you need to talk to anyone. I really hope things work out for you, because this sort of situation sucks hardcore.