The past few years have been very intense for me. From the age of thirteen I believed myself to be a gay man, at 20 I learned that I was indeed bisexual and that took some serious adjustment for me. I felt like I had to redefine who I was, as if my masculinity had to take dominance over my femininity because I was a MAN who liked WOMEN. Here recently, and only very recently, I have discovered that I am a girl...and a boy and simultaneously, neither; more, different. Most days i am okay with this expanded awareness of who I, Ewan, am. Late at night, when the world was asleep I would let down my hair from it's ponytail and apply makeup and flowing skirts. i told myself it was strictly for "spiritual purposes" but inside I knew it wasn't. i knew it was because a part of me, that I grew to call Emma, wanted it. loved it. i would wake up some days and feel a strange sensation of "where are my breasts? Why is there a penis down there? Other days i was fine and felt very much myself. Now I can finally acknowledge this outloud to myself, that I am most definitely TRANSGENDERED. (deep breath) But this realization has come with a price. i feel like maybe I'm somehow betraying Ewan by embracing "Emma" i know that these two names are indeed one person, ME, but i find it hard some days to have them co exist. i feel like maybe i am betraying nature's gift to me (my male body) or that i am somehow abusing or neglecting the man i have always been. i feel, on some days like i am disgusting for feeling this way. crazy. not OKAY. Am i being punished? am i just punishing myself? why was it so easy to embrace my sexuality but now so difficult to embrace my genders. Can I be both male and female? i feel that i am. I love the womanly part of myself. I love being a woman. i love dressing as a woman. does that mean i have to stop being a man?
