Doubts! Tell us your doubts!

[Apples Mk.II]

By the way...

After one week of HRT and a daily popping of pills that over time will cause irreversible effects, I question if I am just being an irresponsible idiot with a complete disregard for self preservation. "Hey, I see no changes, so I guess I can continue and not think about the future difficulties".


Having a life disabling dysphoria sucks, but not having a degree that would make you want to kill yourself is also quite sucky. I will never be 100% sure that this was the correct decision. I guess that there is nothing in life like "doing the right thing". Just bad choices and really bad choices.

I will never get over my social anxiety that has worsened over the years.

This is something that has stricken me a lot. I am not sure about transition, what i want in life, etc... But if there is one thing I want like nothing else in the world and I'd kill to achieve it, is getting rid of the social anxiety, and the other crippling mental social things. I'd even stand to spend a night with Courtney Love if that was the price. Eeeegh.

[Phoeniks]

Sigh. Some doubts, trying to be very honest here.

What if I'm just making this up to get an easy solution for a more complex problem?
What if this is just another time of me putting on yet another identity because I just don't have one of my own?
What if this derives from some trauma that I never knew I had?
What if I'm just trying very hard to be a unique snowflake and am, in truth, just an attention-seeker?
What if the reason behind my gender issues is some kind of a mental disorder?
What if life was never supposed to be anything better than it used to be, and I'm just trying to fix something that isn't broken?
What if I am just lying to myself and all the good that has come from this is just an illusion?
What if I'm just totally obsessed with certain androgynous figures from media etc, and this is not really me, just admiration?

Sigh. I know that everything I've made so far during last year to look more like I feel inside has made me feel more alive and calm and happy than I even even knew was possible. I'm just still trying to search for other answers for why that is so. It'd be so easy if I could just say I knew I was a boy since age six, but I have no words for how I feel. I really have no words for why looking less female gives me such joy and ease and relief, and no idea where I'm going, just the feeling that I have to. Because this makes me feel so alive and real. But still, this could just be some elaborate lie that I've made up.

[Nero]

Hmm I guess my biggest doubt is: what if there is no such thing as transexualism? What if I'm just trying to play god in deciding I can be whatever I want?

I don't really think either of these questions matter in the scheme of things. I transitioned. I'm happier this way. But it's something I wonder about now and again.

Sigh. I know that everything I've made so far during last year to look more like I feel inside has made me feel more alive and calm and happy than I even even knew was possible.

Isn't that all that matters hon? 

[Phoeniks]

Isn't that all that matters hon? 

Yea, it is. I just want to question myself, since I have been quite unstable with my identity in the past. Gonna take some time to be sure about this.

[LilDevilOfPrada]

I have many doubts well to be honest a list that is endless for as I lose some doubts I gain ever more, mine usually revolve around me ever passing and even if I do will I find a life partner, If not how many cats will I buy to compensate that part was to lighten the mood.

But yea I just have those standard doubts in transition however I know I thing if i never pass I will most probably have no reason to live , all my doctors know this but I dont really care life isnt worth living if its just a eternal cycle of heart ache.

[hazel]

Ah where to begin? Is this really who I am inside or am I just fooling myself? I look at my mannerism's and think, to what extent is my guy-ish behavior really me or just the way I've learnt to act to fit in? I know that I get far more girly (camp?) when I'm drunk and inhibition goes out the window, is that the real me then?

If I go through with this will I pass? Or have I waited too long now that puberty's taken it's toll? Will the people I know accept me and even if they do, how will they treat me from then on? What will it mean for employment and discrimination?

Am I just going crazy? Am I considering this because I'm just unhappy? Do I just want attention?

It's hard enough to see myself finding someone as it is, how on earth will that ever happen if I become trans?

There's more I'm sure but I think those are the most prominent in my mind fright now. These thoughts would be enough to curtail me from pursuing this any further if the other thought, of spending the rest of my life as a male, wasn't so damn depressing.

[soulfairer]

Sigh. Some doubts, trying to be very honest here.

What if I'm just making this up to get an easy solution for a more complex problem?
What if this is just another time of me putting on yet another identity because I just don't have one of my own?
What if this derives from some trauma that I never knew I had?
What if I'm just trying very hard to be a unique snowflake and am, in truth, just an attention-seeker?
What if the reason behind my gender issues is some kind of a mental disorder?
What if life was never supposed to be anything better than it used to be, and I'm just trying to fix something that isn't broken?
What if I am just lying to myself and all the good that has come from this is just an illusion?
What if I'm just totally obsessed with certain androgynous figures from media etc, and this is not really me, just admiration?

Sigh. I know that everything I've made so far during last year to look more like I feel inside has made me feel more alive and calm and happy than I even even knew was possible. I'm just still trying to search for other answers for why that is so. It'd be so easy if I could just say I knew I was a boy since age six, but I have no words for how I feel. I really have no words for why looking less female gives me such joy and ease and relief, and no idea where I'm going, just the feeling that I have to. Because this makes me feel so alive and real. But still, this could just be some elaborate lie that I've made up.

There are many possibilities.

If the problem is more complex than that, I just cannot know. If you need to talk..
I think it's possible for us to start with 'no' identity. But then, it's our call. If you feel like wearing skulls and boy's clothes, isn't it part of it? The whole phenomenology may tell you what's going on, what you'll like.
A trauma is a very tricky one: sometimes we just don't realize something was a trauma, and we just move on without really noticing.
We are unique snowflakes. And at the same time we will never be, because there just will be someone like us, not exactly like us, but like us. And it's right to seek some attention. as long as it's healthy!
If it was from a mental disorder, I think it would relate easily (pardon me if it wouldn't), at least to the eyes of a doc.
It may happen that that was never really broken. But if it's nicer...
Many things can be an illusion. But again, many lives are lived in a full illusion state. The dream of a house with two kids and etc, for example.
I am also obsessed with certain androgynous figures. But when I see myself in the mirror, I like what I see more and more. Linked or not be this with the androgynous figures.

I also confess that I have some of these questions. Well, we deep inside probably will have them all the time. *but* the current state is way better than years ago, as a comparison. Whatever turned out of this was for good reasons, and I feel better. So it just must be good.

And if you really feel like it, I fear that we just can't think about things before - we simply cannot preview the future. Specially when we change *this* lot. We may falter, but the feeling, I think, always comes. Either as positive or negative. Mine has been positive for two years. That means a lot...

[Jamie D]

Doubt I will pass. I would love to go out as a woman full time, but I'm terrified that the fact that I'm almost 6 foot 1 will give me away. I still haven't started the transition, but even if my face looks decent, certainly being that tall will lead people to believe I'm trans.

I want you to go look at the "Before and After" topic on the MtF transsexual talk board!

Never say never!  Height is not a drawback.  I have a 6-foot tall, 19-year old daughter, who is not mistaken for a man.

[Mindy More]

I just wanted to add one of my own experiences with the word "Doubt".
I worked in a particular country in SE Asia where the word "doubt" was commonly used to describe things which we under suspicion as invalid solutions.  Suspicion=Paranoia in some cases.

A person would review a design but hold up his finger and while nodding his head, he would say in a self-assured tone to himself 'I have my doubts that this is not going to work"
I could literally sit back and watch this man mentally "detach" from the design.  Although the design itself was rock-solid, he didn't quite understand how it could be implemented.  Once he started nodding his head, it was the beginning of the end.

That is, until his boss, a much more experienced and wise man stepped in and shook this man up, saying "look-it" -your job is not to try to change the design....the design will work, your job is to find the way to implement the design.   The man started back like a broken record with the "but I Doubt..." and his boss stopped him and said "Enough with the doubts man, just get it done."
And it worked out just fine.

What I get from this experience and others to back it up, is that "Doubt" is our own insecurity manifesting into whatever we are involved with.  Sometimes we need someone to step in and say "look-it" this is going to work. 

Trying to relate this back into what I've read so far.  It's perfectly normal to question major upcoming life-altering decisions.  Asking these questions is the best thing we can do in order to provide ourselves with the reality checks  that are needed to come to terms with these decisions in order to take things to the next level. (It's just not worth getting stuck in a holding pattern because of insecurity)

No offense to anyone, but I've had some bad experiences with the word "doubt"... it's left a mark.  So I'm just going to say that my personal concerns in the short term have to do with my upcoming FFS 2 weeks from now.  My HRT was delayed and getting that squared away in the next month is also a concern, I have the letter, but finding the right doctor, etc.
In the long run, it's all about planning, and making my current career work for me. I'm the boss of a bunch of men, who have always seen me as a man, and I'm not going to just fold my company to allow for the transition, no I think I will first try to weave this all together somehow -Mindy

[Brooke777]

I doubt I will ever see a woman in the mirror.

I was wrong!! Yay! I have seen her a couple of times. 

[Zumbagirl]

I always like to wonder, what if I never did this thing? Would I still be around or would I have offed myself, or would I just be a miserable person. Then I think of the smile on my face every single day when I wake up and greet each morning with a happy smile. How could I ever put a price on happiness?

So yes I would be lying if I said I never think what if I never did this, but on the other hand my gender transition has given me nothing but happiness. So I stop worrying about doubts.

[Aleah]

Best. Thread. Ever.

Well it's just helped me a lot at this point in my transition. Somehow it's nice to know I'm not alone with these.

I was so sure of my transition, I knew I wanted it so I got onto HRT as quickly as I could, as soon as I got onto Spiro, I had doubts. Then they settled down and I was feeling great, living part-time and started dating as myself. Met someone great who made me feel like the girl I always knew I was.. and then I decided to come out to my father after that confidence boost.

And back with more doubts. It seems like every significant step is surrounded by a mote of doubts that I have to swim over.

I can echo some doubts described here, in particular;
- the "not trans enough", that one especially!
- what if I'm wrong and I've just deluded myself?
- how unhappy was I really? just because I want this, do I really need this?
- will I ever be ready for SRS? do I want to live that way if I'm not?
- what if I just don't fit in as a girl? and people clock me by my mannerisms?

[Zeda]

I doubt I'll stay on this forum.

I have long spells where I am away from these forums. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with doubt and I need a few months reprieve.

As to my doubts and worries:

• I am married. My spouse says he is okay with me being transgender and he has always been rather awesome, but I sometimes have doubts. I will think, "Maybe he is just saying this for my benefit, but is truly not comfortable." I do not want to lose him D: But then I think, "Well, we are both trans, and we came out to each other early in the relationship, so I am probably just being a worry-wort."


• We want to have kids, so I worry that I might be a negative factor in their future :[
  I also think of the positive influence that we will have on our kids, though


• I have doubts about my moral "goodness." Many people would say that I am particularly fit for survival, yet I am not happy with my body. I want to do as much good as I can and if changing my body is going to harm humanity, I would feel miserable. Then I think, "Delusions of grandeur, much?" And then I think of the traits that would not be beneficial for the gene pool and I feel better (which sounds horrible o_o)


• I have doubts about my mental stability. I used to be a fairly angry and violent child-- with good reason, I believe. It makes me worry, though, that my mental state is not even close to normal. I used to worry that I was a sociopath and that was when I started enforcing very rigid self-control. I have since decided that I am not a sociopath, I just needed to muddle through mental trauma for a bit. Plus, my sex-drive hardly exists and I absolutely abhor the thought of controlling people.
• I think of Alan Turing as a mentally superior human being. I have a fear of losing my mental clarity (it is actually terrifying, for me, and I have nightmares about it). When he was forced to consume feminising hormones, he reported mental fogginess and this is attributed to the cause of his death in some hypothesis (committing suicide because he could no longer be his fully functioning self). However, I hope that his mental fog was due to depression or stress as opposed to the hormones. I feel like I am mentally foggy as it is and that HRT will at least briefly liberate my mind.