Clusterdance.

[DavidPalmatier]

My name is David, and I am 21 years young (but if my baby cousins keep growing up I will feel anicient before too long). I live in a one-light town in West Virginia, come from an Independent Fundamental Baptist family, am out to both sides fo my family, hated by my egg donor and her clan, and accepted by my Dad and family. I am undoubtedly a man, and I hate that I will never be able to have bottom surgery adn have a functioning penis. I doubt I will ever be able to aford even top surgery, as I can't afford even a binder. I began this journey of discovery in March of 2011, and have learned a lot.
Now, for teh clusterdance of questions:
Will taking T gurantee that I won't be able to have kids? This matters because I am an only child and do not want my family to die with me.

I used to have a binder and it caused one huge chesticle, which was even more obvious than if I wore a bra. I refuse to go out without my binder. Just going to the library to apply for work causes panic attacks. How can I get a binder, and how do I keep from getting one huge chesticle?

My egg donor and her cult of a family want nothing to do with me once I begin T (if I ever do, and if I don' shoot myself before I do). My egg donor's mom sent me a leter in September saying I am nothing to her, but changed her mind and came up with a new stipulatiopn. My egg donor is in bad health and only has a few years left. So they asked me to visit in December to say goodbye. Should I just tell them if they want nothing to do with me, then I won't talk to them anymore? Or do I just keep playing along and talking to them and listening to the preaching?

I want to start my own churcha dn get into politics, but don't know how, or even if I can because I am transgender.

I am suicidal almost every day out of the week. I can't afford counseling or medication, I have tried writing and everything else. Nothing works anymore. My body is my own prison, and I don't know how much longer I can keep death at bay. I already ahve a plan made, and if things get too bad, I won't have to deal with it anymore. But I also know that I would hurt my Dad. I can't seem to be able to find help. What do I do?

Well, that's all I have energy for right now. Sorry for venting, adn thanks for reading.

[DavidPalmatier]

Oh, and I might ahve a personality disorder... some have mentioned Bipolar, autism, social phobiwe or something, and Multiple Personality Disorder...
I do have ptsd and depression that I know of

[Incarnadine]

A couple of thoughts for you...hope they help!

I, too, am currently in an IFB church and am dealing with trans feelings.  I am out to no one but my wife.  Yes, suicide has crossed my mind on more than one occasion, but it really isn't the answer.  There are many questions about reconciling the strict stance of IFB churches and the feelings we have.  I'm sorry that you're seeing the angry side - as you are more than well aware, there's not much tolerance for perceived sin.  If I can encourage you in any way, once you've hit 15 posts (I think that's the requirement), I'd love to have a PM convo with you if you'd like.

I can see the anger at your...mother?  The "egg donor" you refer to?

Lack of money for therapy - have you considered public health insurance?  I know of folks who have been able to get counseling from T-friendly psychs, who weren't necessarily gender therapists.  I think you would benefit from being able to vent to someone who doesn't have a dog in the hunt.

Susan's is a place where venting is welcome.  I don't think there are two of us here who believe exactly the same from a religious, political, or even trans perspective, but you'll find a willingness to listen to anyone here.

Other folks will mention the rules and such, and I'll echo their recommendation to post something in the Introductions part of the forum.

There's always hope; even if you can't see it, usually someone else has been there, done that, and would like to show you the t-shirt!

[Devlyn]

Hi David, glad you found us! I lived in Beaver, WV for several years. If feelings of suicide start to overwhelm you, please call one of the suicide hotlines. We have the phone numbers posted here on the site. We need you around! Hugs, Devlyn

[spacial]

Hi David.

Great to see you here.

Having babies. Don't know but we have some men here who have fallen pregnant, after starting T. I should think it will eventually become impossible, possibly permanently. You will need to discuss this with a professional. This is only observational.

Visiting your mom. Just go as yourself. You've already made it clear your mind is made up. They presumably know that. If they create a fuss or lay down unacceptable condition, then it isn't a visit to your mom at all, is it?

As for being depressed. You're in the right place. Just feel free and relaxed to say what you wish. The TOS are quite simple and reasonable.

[Seana]

First, what Develyn said! You have to tell yourself you are worth it.I'll talk more about this at theendof my post

Second , in regards to binders, my spouse used one for a while, from a company called underworks and I didnt notice any uniboob. I am too new here to post a link  but googling should find it. I also heard recently of a program a group of trans-guys put together  called Big Brothers. The thrust of it was to provide binders free of charge to financially challenged  FTM .I found it easily by googling with the keywords big brother FTM binder.
Third , my youth sounds about the inverse of yours.I was extremely close to my mom but not my father. He moved to the states when I was  13. When he passed on, we hadnt spoken in 10 years. I felt about him about the same as you do about your parental unit ( sorry I wont call anyone egg -donar). Despite this, and despite it being an intentional decision, I've always regretted it. If I were to do it again, I'd have gone to see him one last time. once they are gone, they are gone and that opportunity is forever lost.  Whatever you think of your mom, she cared enough about you you made it to adulthood.She might surprise you, she might not. I guarantee however if you dont go you will definitely tear yourself apart about it afterward. I know because I've done it.

now my little addendum about suicide. You're talking about it, and venting. that tells me and your words tell me that you dont really want to do that, but are exasperated and dont know what to do. It also sounds like you need someone to talk to. I have a bit of an arrangement with some of my trans-friends.When we are having a particularly bad day, they'll leave a note on their messenger. When another of us log in we'll see it and strike up a coonversation to allow the person to vent, be  it parents issues, cursing over the kids, or hormone induced stupidity . Peer support is as effective as therapy, and sometimes more so, and is a hell of a lot more accessible.

Finally, in regards to being able to conceive, while MTF hormones willmake a man sterile after 6-9 months HRT the inverse is definitely not true. There have been several FTM who have concieved. I believe ceasing testosterone during pregnancy would be necessary, but ifyou havent had SRS  or a hysterectomy chances are if you stop T you would be able to conceive. It's a good question though for your endocrinologist ifyou do go for HRT.


Seana

[DavidPalmatier]

Devylyn (If I butcher names or ferget them I am sorry), I have never heard of Beaver, but I wish I had the guts to want to stick around WV like you have. Thank you all for your support, and the encouraging words. Right now I have 39 cents, so buying a binder will have to wait. My hair is nearly buzzed and is creating havo in trying to find a job. That's why I can't afford a therapist or anything, and the only one willing to see me is waaaaay too expensive. I tried the health department and they don't have discounted therapy, and I am too old to get Medicaid because I don't live with a parent. I used to drink my frustration away and add a few pills to it, but have been pretty mjuch sober llately (though I am regretting that). I do have moments when I am dead-serious about killing myself, but when I am not xompletely suicidal, I just spend time wishing I were dead. As for the visit, I doubt I will even be able to afford it, so fate might have its way once again.
God, I sound like a cranky old man.