Searching for Help

[Reinhaven]

Awhile ago I made a thread that expressed my worry about my mother not really accepting me for who I know I am to be and asked if anyone else had experienced this sort of things. I mentioned that she got really upset and even cried when we try to talk about it.

I was shocked yesterday when she was talking to my friend's mom and she mentioned that she was probably going to start looking for pants for me in the men's section. (This sounds sort of dumb, but it really was touching to me. Even an article of clothing can change someone's world when it shows you're starting to accept them.) They weren't talking about ->-bleeped-<- or anything. Just talking about clothes. But it was nice to hear she was considering getting me the help I wanted.

Still, though. She's really flighty with the subject and hates it. I think she wants to imagine me as more of a tomboy than an actual masculine figure, and it's a bit painful to live with. She knows what I want, but something's holding her back from helping me. Maybe she doesn't have the courage to watch the person she thought was her little girl become a man?

She doesn't like to bring up the topic, but if I want to make things change, I need to act on it. She doesn't want me looking for help online, and in fact doesn't seem to want me to look for help anywhere. She just wants me to suppress it and live it down.

But I can't do this alone, and it's not just going to go away.

Is there any way I can bring up the matter with her gently but in an urging manner? She has to understand that it's hurting me, too. Not just her.

Thanks, you guys.

[Joe.]

Hey,
My mum doesn't know about me wanting to be a male (I'm biologically female) so I can't completely relate to you. However, when I told her I liked girls she did what your mum did and cried a lot and tried to ignore the issue she had with it. I wrote my mum a letter, it gave her time to think about what I was telling her and it meant I could be completely honest. Have you ever thought about this? You could explain how you feel in the letter and give her a little bit of time to respond. I've found that time seems to help. It's nearly a year since I told my mum and she's still not ok with me liking girls but I think she's getting there. I think if you give your mum time she will come round. The fact she said about getting you guys pants shows that she is slowly adjusting. It may be a long while until she is going to be completely ok with it but she will be. Slowly but surely.
Joey

[Reinhaven]

Hey,
My mum doesn't know about me wanting to be a male (I'm biologically female) so I can't completely relate to you. However, when I told her I liked girls she did what your mum did and cried a lot and tried to ignore the issue she had with it. I wrote my mum a letter, it gave her time to think about what I was telling her and it meant I could be completely honest. Have you ever thought about this? You could explain how you feel in the letter and give her a little bit of time to respond. I've found that time seems to help. It's nearly a year since I told my mum and she's still not ok with me liking girls but I think she's getting there. I think if you give your mum time she will come round. The fact she said about getting you guys pants shows that she is slowly adjusting. It may be a long while until she is going to be completely ok with it but she will be. Slowly but surely.
Joey

Letters always make me scared in-case someone finds it. My whole family seems to be pretty good with figuring out things that weren't meant for them to know. /Shot

I told her all about how I felt in the car, and a lot more. We got talking about sexuality, too. It was just really broad. I mean, gender does have to do with sexuality, but... Yeah. The conversation just kept rolling. She seemed good the first time we talked, but after that told me she didn't really want to talk about it much.

I really appreciate the advice, so in turn I might try to give you some? You've made a really important step in telling your mom about your relationship preferences, so when you want to tell her about your gender, you could try doing it in the car. That's what I did. Just the whole aspect of not making eye contact really helped on so many levels. She couldn't look down or glance around awkwardly or any of that. I think one thing we fear is body-language, and not having to have that helps a lot. Or the letter, too. Like you said. You don't have to see their reaction up-close. (Although you might, if you only send her letters regarding sexuality and such, so she might suspect it to be something she won't like.)

[Joe.]

Does she have an email you can email her on? I know some people have done it that way before. Also, you'll know she's the only one reading it. Does nobody in your family know then?

You could try being really stern and saying that the problem isn't going to go away. If you're persistant in saying that it may begin to sink in to her that that's who you are and if you show how certain you are it is then up to her how to deal with that.

Thanks for the advice. I know my mum would probably have a breakdown though if I told her. She'd tell me that I was wrong and that I'm just confused. My dad would probably be ok as he just wants what's best for me. I'm just scared to hurt both of them, it's the last thing I want.  I know what you mean with not making eye contact, I hate making eye contact when talking about how I feel. If I told my mum in the car though she'd probably crash from shock.

Joey

[Reinhaven]

Does she have an email you can email her on? I know some people have done it that way before. Also, you'll know she's the only one reading it. Does nobody in your family know then?

You could try being really stern and saying that the problem isn't going to go away. If you're persistant in saying that it may begin to sink in to her that that's who you are and if you show how certain you are it is then up to her how to deal with that.

Thanks for the advice. I know my mum would probably have a breakdown though if I told her. She'd tell me that I was wrong and that I'm just confused. My dad would probably be ok as he just wants what's best for me. I'm just scared to hurt both of them, it's the last thing I want.  I know what you mean with not making eye contact, I hate making eye contact when talking about how I feel. If I told my mum in the car though she'd probably crash from shock.

Joey

I could try the email method, but I don't think being firm would work. She would probably be angry instead of sad, and then not want me to make ant advancements at all. If she thinks I'm feeling so strongly about something she apposes, she'll probably be checking my internet history to see if I've been seeking help online. I feel bad going against what she told me directly not to do, but I just keep getting more and more depressed. I really do need the help.

Yeesh. Well, we certainly don't want her crashing the car. Sorry about that. I take that advice back completely. Also, that's interesting. My dad's the complete opposite. He'd be even more worried about my mom, and he would also probably not just be upset, but miffed, too.

I know that feeling. It was so hard when I first told me mom, because for all of these years I had felt so hurt and upset, and the last thing I wanted to do was have this same issue make my mother upset as well. It's really a rough point here for both of us, I can see.

[Joe.]

Ah right yeah I see what you mean. Can't you delete your internet history or use inprivate browsing so that your history isn't recorded? That's what I do.

Things will get better, honestly. Your mum just needs time I think. She has to deal with it in her own way and sadly if she's upset about it at the moment then that's got to be her way of coping for now. She may be so reluctant about what you have told her because she's scared for you. Trans people face a lot of discrimination and she may be worried about how that will effect you. She loves you and probably just wants what she thinks is 'best' for you, although that is the complete opposite to what is best for you. Does that make sense?

Joey

[FTMDiaries]

She's probably grieving - and it'll take time for her to come to terms with what you need to do, but she should hopefully come around. Parents tend to form an idealised image of who they want their child to be and it can be difficult for them to cope when that child doesn't meet those expectations. When we announce to our parents that we're transgender, they really do go through the various stages of the grieving process - because in their minds, they're losing the person they always hoped you would be and they have to grieve for that imaginary person before they can accept the person you're becoming. She needs some time to work her way through this.

This reminds me of something I wrote in another thread about a month ago:

Pretty much every parent holds fond memories of their 'sweet little girl' or 'cheeky little boy'. We can't help it; it comes with the territory when you're handed your baby at their birth and you have to figure out what to do with the little stranger that's landed in your life. Since we don't know who they are, we tend to dress them up in our idealised image of their assigned gender and we dream that our little girl will grow up to be a ballerina or our little boy will be a footballer - but of course, those are just fantasies for most of us. It's just a fun thing for parents to do.

Think of the things she's probably always dreamed you would do: job? marriage? grandkids? She's had time to think about these things after your first discussion and she's worried that being transgender will negatively affect all these things and more. That's what she's grieving for: not you as a person, but the idealised life she wanted you to have. Her concerns for your future are playing on her mind, so my advice to you would be to try to reassure her that you're doing the right thing; that it's making you happy; and that you have some good plans for your future. She just needs to be reassured that you're going to be OK.

If she doesn't want you looking for help, that sounds like she's in the Denial phase of grieving. But the fact that she's willing to get you masculine clothing shows that she's trying to work her way through it. My mother was much more difficult (in fact, I never came out to her because I knew it would make things much worse) - I blogged about her attitude towards my clothing earlier this month: http://ftmdiaries.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/the-emperors-no-clothes.html

[Reinhaven]

FTMDiaries, I'm going to break what you said into two sections because you covered so much.

She's probably grieving - and it'll take time for her to come to terms with what you need to do, but she should hopefully come around.

I've understood this. I know it must be heart-breaking for her, having the little daughter she thought she knew being someone else. But I'm really not changed much, and I won't change much. I believe that strongly. It's not like now that I've told her I've changed at all. I'm just the same person I was two, three, four days, weeks, months, and years ago. I'm just me.

But from her perspective, this is a new thing. I'm used to this feeling, but she's not. And I'm fine with giving her time for it to sink in, but if she is going to be stingy about helping me and is even hindering me from getting help, I need to find it on my own.

If she doesn't want you looking for help, that sounds like she's in the Denial phase of grieving. But the fact that she's willing to get you masculine clothing shows that she's trying to work her way through it. My mother was much more difficult (in fact, I never came out to her because I knew it would make things much worse) - I blogged about her attitude towards my clothing earlier this month: http://ftmdiaries.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/the-emperors-no-clothes.html

I think the denial phase covers a bit of what she's experiencing, but not much. She knows how I feel and accepts that, but thinks it would be a crime to humanity for me to pursue it. She's a Christian, and she believes God made me a woman's body for a reason. I'm a Christian, and I just have no idea what to think on this topic except that I know being a lady just feels counter-intuitive. We both have different views on the subject, but since I'm not old enough to be independent yet, she'll be the one making the decisions.

Also, even though she did agree to buying me masculine pants, the more I think about it it's because of how stubborn I'm being. I refuse to wear any other sort of pants. It feels really restricting and just strange wearing pants that are practically just pained onto my legs, and whenever she buys me pants I just put them away and wear shorts.
Maybe part of the process is about me being firm, but not so firm that she thinks I'm being rebellious...?

You were certainly in a much more difficult place than I was. I'm sorry your mother wouldn't get you the clothes you needed and felt most comfortable in. Whenever I purchase masculine clothes my mother asks why I'm not buying the female-fit version just to challenge me, but she doesn't stop me from buying it. She's also supportive of me in her own way that she's not kicking me out or telling all of her friends about how I feel when I asked her to keep it private. I'm sorry you couldn't even tell your mom the truth about yourself. I think I'd like to read more articles of yours when I have the time!

Thanks for the help.

[Beverly]

Letters always make me scared in-case someone finds it. My whole family seems to be pretty good with figuring out things that weren't meant for them to know.

I just want to make the point that if you want to transition then your whole family will find out anyway. They have to.

Perhaps by telling your wider family you could gain allies that support your position and then you will not feel so alone. By not telling the family you could be making this more difficult than it needs to be.

[Reinhaven]

I just want to make the point that if you want to transition then your whole family will find out anyway. They have to.

Perhaps by telling your wider family you could gain allies that support your position and then you will not feel so alone. By not telling the family you could be making this more difficult than it needs to be.

That' true. If I do end up transitioning, they'll all find out about it.
The thing is, it's not that I'm scared about them finding out I'm transgendered. I fear what they'll do to try to stop me.
It could be emotional. They could all act sad and keep up the "mourning phase" until I tell them I've changed my mind. They've done things like that before. Or they might physically keep me from following truth by not letting me attend certain events, not letting me hang out with friends they don't know, and even monitoring simple online activities and such.
I guess that sounds a bit silly, but when you're young, all of these things feel more like punishments than your family trying to protect you.

I'm trying to think of any family members I trust that I could tell but that also wouldn't tell my parents about it or think of me as a freak. I honestly have no idea why this is, but my entire family seems to condemns these sorts of things.

Bah. I feel like I'm being impossible to help. I wish finding and accepting help would be easier.
Sorry, guys.

[FTMDiaries]

I'm really not changed much, and I won't change much. I believe that strongly. It's not like now that I've told her I've changed at all. I'm just the same person I was two, three, four days, weeks, months, and years ago. I'm just me..

This is one of the big problems that many transgendered people share. We know we're the same person and we're not changing who we are; in fact, we're changing who we never were. But it's difficult for some cis-gendered people to understand that.

I think the denial phase covers a bit of what she's experiencing, but not much. She knows how I feel and accepts that, but thinks it would be a crime to humanity for me to pursue it. She's a Christian, and she believes God made me a woman's body for a reason.

Hmmm... is it possible that some of her resistance is coming from her religious beliefs? I'm not a Christian - but if she believes that your god made you the way you are for a reason, you can use exactly that as an argument: you were made transgender for a reason! And gender therapists exist for that same reason, and so do SRS surgeons, so do testosterone injections, etc. etc. etc.

Maybe part of the process is about me being firm, but not so firm that she thinks I'm being rebellious...?

Yes. Polite insistence is a good way forward.

You were certainly in a much more difficult place than I was. I'm sorry your mother wouldn't get you the clothes you needed and felt most comfortable in. Whenever I purchase masculine clothes my mother asks why I'm not buying the female-fit version just to challenge me, but she doesn't stop me from buying it. She's also supportive of me in her own way that she's not kicking me out or telling all of her friends about how I feel when I asked her to keep it private. I'm sorry you couldn't even tell your mom the truth about yourself.

Thanks! It sounds like your mother is doing the best she can at the moment. Yeah, my mum seriously sucked and it's worse than I let on in that previous link. But I'm glad I never came out to her: it was definitely the right decision. She would've messed me up even more if I had, as I explain here (trigger alert: my mum died of breast cancer): http://ftmdiaries.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/why-i-never-came-out-to-my-mother.html

[FTMDiaries]

Or they might physically keep me from following truth by not letting me attend certain events, not letting me hang out with friends they don't know, and even monitoring simple online activities and such.
I guess that sounds a bit silly, but when you're young, all of these things feel more like punishments than your family trying to protect you.

This probably feels overwhelming at the moment but I can assure you that it is not a permanent situation.

Your folks can only put obstacles in your way for so long... but eventually you will take the reins of your own life and they won't be able to do anything to stop you from achieving what you want.

The power will be in your hands. Hold on to that thought.

[Beverly]

She's a Christian, and she believes God made me a woman's body for a reason.

Well, if she wants to go down that route, God also made endocrinologists, gender therapists and SRS surgeons for a reason as well.

[spacial]

May I suggest you don't try arguing with someone's beliefs? I know you may feel that is where the problem lies and it probably does. But belief is so integral to people's identity, not to mention their feelings of self worth.

It might be better if you try to negotiate with her, how you will relate to each other, while to continue to transition.

She will probably insist upon calling you her daughter and using a girl's name, but I have a feeling she will slowly come to terms with realities.

For you part, you are seeking to build your own life as you need it to be. But none of us should deny our past.

[Reinhaven]

Well, if she wants to go down that route, God also made endocrinologists, gender therapists and SRS surgeons for a reason as well.

I already know what she would say to this. That the world is a tarnished place and it's filled with evil, whether the evil is slight or great. I can't see how this would be evil, though. She would think it was wrong that I was "lying" to myself about my true gender, I think.

May I suggest you don't try arguing with someone's beliefs? I know you may feel that is where the problem lies and it probably does. But belief is so integral to people's identity, not to mention their feelings of self worth.

It might be better if you try to negotiate with her, how you will relate to each other, while to continue to transition.

She will probably insist upon calling you her daughter and using a girl's name, but I have a feeling she will slowly come to terms with realities.

For you part, you are seeking to build your own life as you need it to be. But none of us should deny our past.

I'm not arguing with her belief. I respect what she believes. I just mentioned it because it was part of the conflict, but I would never try to tear or pry at her faith.

That's a good idea. I want to be close to my mom. She gave me the gift of life--even though she didn't expect the gift to turn out the way she had planned.

That last bit about denying the past... What do you mean by it?

[spacial]

I'm not arguing with her belief. I respect what she believes. I just mentioned it because it was part of the conflict, but I would never try to tear or pry at her faith.

That's a good idea. I want to be close to my mom. She gave me the gift of life--even though she didn't expect the gift to turn out the way she had planned.

That last bit about denying the past... What do you mean by it?

Firstly, sorry that you may have misunderstood.

The point I was getting at is, generally, it's better to concentrate upon making sure she knows you love and respect her.

I get the impression you're asking her for approval and she simply won't give you that. But I also get the impression that she will love you unconditionally and accept who you are, if not what.

Now as frustrating as that may seem let me tell you, for 99% of parents, that's everything.

I appreciate that there are problems with consents, but rather than starting arguments which you won't win, it may be better to simply accept the inevitable wait.

Put it another way. You won't win any further, so you will have to wait anyway. As frustrating as that is, you can still cultivate your relationship with your mom. That's everything.

The first problem you have is one which has affected moms since time began,  her letting you grow up. If your mom is still around when you're 50, I'll bet she asks if you changed your underwear this morning. I know because they all do that. Get the idea?

So, I'm suggesting you stop asking her for her approval to do whatever and make sure you give her the same love and acceptance you always have.

While you do that you continue to develop toward who you are. Because there is no single solution. It's all just a load if hard work.

[aleon515]

I agree with Spacial on this one. I think what she meant was this: arguing wtih someone re; their beliefs won't get *you* very far. I wouldn't use an argument like "I was made trans for a reason". Actually might be true, but I don't think that fundamentalist types are impressed with this one. I am sure that they will just have more arguments. My sister (whom I have not told) would likely be able to out debate me (she's done it her whole life!). I'm basically telling her, haven't done this yet, that this is basically the way it is. There is no argument with that one. Of course, I don't actually plan to tell her in person. It must be dealing with someone close at hand like this.

Some of even the most ardent religious zealots come along (and some do not).

--Jay J

[jltrans87]

hi there, this is a really tough subject, i think the thing to remember that you are who you are! and those around you will come around, but you cant make them! everyone of us has our own choices to make in life and people may not like it!
i am proud to be a transguy but i was once the little girl then the tom boy, then the butch lesbian and then the man i am today, looking from the outside in, from the inside i was one of the boys a lad, played kiss chase and chased the girls!!! it took time for my family to respond to my masculinity but i did it with out approval because i would have spontaneously combust otherwise


in regards to your mum, the religious belief thing may be part of it, but the others are lack of knowledge, and fear of loosing you as a daughter the change in the relationship may feel scary. maybe try renting the film Boys dont cry! (based on a true story and not very nice but its about FTM brandon Teena) it may just ease the subject, and just bring it up slowly, like the changing of Attire from feminine to masculine, if she resists too much say something like "i would feel more comfortable in this shirt, ect."

wish you the best of luck!

[Reinhaven]

Firstly, sorry that you may have misunderstood.

... I'm suggesting you stop asking her for her approval to do whatever and make sure you give her the same love and acceptance you always have.

No need to apologize, but thank you for rephrasing!
I get it. You're right that it's important to maintain a healthy relationship with her now, and I agree. I'll always try to be on their best side.

I agree with Spacial on this one. I think what she meant was this: arguing wtih someone re; their beliefs won't get *you* very far.

...

--Jay J

I think you're right along with Spacial. Because religion has absolutely nothing to do with gender, so there's no use fighting about it from a religious basis. No matter your gender, male, female, or anywhere in-between, you can be a Christian.

in regards to your mum, the religious belief thing may be part of it, but the others are lack of knowledge, and fear of loosing you as a daughter the change in the relationship may feel scary. maybe try renting the film Boys dont cry!

... it may just ease the subject, and just bring it up slowly, like the changing of Attire from feminine to masculine, if she resists too much say something like "i would feel more comfortable in this shirt, ect."

wish you the best of luck!

I'll try watching it, thanks! I'll check on what it's about. It sounds interesting!

Also, that's exactly what I do. I tell her "I feel more comfortable in this." It was only recently that she asked me if I was "trying to look like a boy." When I told her the truth, it really hurt her a lot. But she still seems to buy me masculine-cut shirts. Maybe that's because I'm reluctant to wear anything else. I don't know.

I would giver broader answers, but I've got to go! Thanksgiving meals await. /Brick'd