Name change advice please

[FTMDiaries]

So... I've finally managed to secure an appointment with a Gender Therapist so I'm finally on my way. Woohoo!

However, he seems to be very keen for me to push ahead with my name change before he sees me. I haven't done it yet because I'm still married (15 years and counting) and every little step I take towards my transition is very painful for my husband. Plus I'd need my husband's consent for me to change my name due to some ridiculous UK laws.

My hubby is straight and somewhat homophobic so there's no way we'll be able to stay together when I transition. So to be honest, I've been dragging my heels and moving more slowly than I'd like because it's very painful to lose him and every step so far has resulted in further pain between us, even though I know I'm doing the right thing. But I can't hang around waiting any longer; he's not going to change and I'm just going to get more & more dysphoric as time goes on. So I MUST bite the bullet and press ahead regardless.

I have already chosen a male name, and I have used it publicly in shops etc... but I haven't made the legal change because of Hubby and because I look ridiculously female at the moment so I'm worried that the name change will mean I get even more hassle when in public. And it will mean dropping my current surname, because if Hubby doesn't want to be with me when I transition, he doesn't deserve for me to keep his surname.

Now the Gender Therapist is urging me to go ahead with my name change ASAP. He sees it as a 'line in the sand' that shows my intent and it sounds like he's not keen to prescribe T until I've done it. I understand where he's coming from, but it had me in tears because I'm so keen to press ahead but I'm so not keen to lose Hubby any faster than I have to.

I'd appreciate any advice to help me get over this resistance.

Thanks!

[Beverly]

So... I've finally managed to secure an appointment with a Gender Therapist so I'm finally on my way. Woohoo!

Congrats....

However, he seems to be very keen for me to push ahead with my name change before he sees me.

Yes - they think it shows evidence of commitment and an ability to start RLE

Plus I'd need my husband's consent for me to change my name due to some ridiculous UK laws.

Anyone in the UK can change their name at any time and for any purpose. You can do formally via Deed Poll or (even quicker) walk into your local magistrates court and fill out a Statutory Declaration (cost £25) and do it there and then.

You do NOT need anyone's permission.

I'd appreciate any advice to help me get over this resistance.

Whose resistance? The hubby's or the therapists?

[Cindy]

My therapist said:

Change your name when you change your toilet. Our when you change your toilet change your name.

Sounds silly. But it works.

[FTMDiaries]

Whose resistance? The hubby's or the therapists?

Mine.

I desperately need to move forward and I want to transition as quickly as is sensible... but I don't want to lose Hubby even though I'm going to.

[FTMDiaries]

My therapist said:

Change your name when you change your toilet. Our when you change your toilet change your name.

Sounds silly. But it works.

Good advice. I stopped using the Ladies' a couple of months ago, but I'm way too female-looking to think I can safely use the Gents'. It doesn't help that I'm very short, so I need all the help I can get to pass as much as possible before I can feel safe in the Gents'. Which is pretty much what I said to the Gender Therapist as one of the main reasons why I need to start T as soon as practicable.

[Beverly]

... what I said to the Gender Therapist as one of the main reasons why I need to start T as soon as practicable.

You might also need T to dull your sense of smell. There is one thing I definitely do not miss about the gents' loo.....

[MRH]

So sorry to hear about you and your husband. I'm in a similar situation although I'm not married but have been with my boyfriend for about 4 years 8 months. He is straight and so things are hard between us. I look really male now so most of the time we behave as just friends in public.
However he has been really supportive and is quite eager to learn and is actually looking forward to seeing my new STP. Despite being supportive though I know ultimately things will fall apart between us and it's heart breaking. If I hadn't have been with him I would have gone down the transitioning route a lot sooner and would probably be on T by now.

As far as name change (I haven't done it yet) just do it via deed poll which is what I intend to do. It looks pretty straight forward.

[spacial]

Mine.

I desperately need to move forward and I want to transition as quickly as is sensible... but I don't want to lose Hubby even though I'm going to.

One of my nieces, eventually left her rather domineering husband. She turned up at my door, which they all seem to do. (Love it to be honest).

Anyway, one of the first things she did was change her name back to her maiden name. She was told she still needed a Deed Poll, even though it was a revert. But the only permission she needed was the one paying the bill. 

You get the idea.

Now, as for loosing your husband.

I don't know him of course. I know you only through these pages. But You are determined to go ahead. From what I can gather, for your sanity as much as anything else.

But you are still the same person you were. If you need to do this, it seems to me it would be a betrayal, not just of yourself but dishonest to your husband, to continue the charade.

If he simply cannot accept the realities, then he is rejecting reality. Not you. You are what you are. He can no more expect you to be something you're not any more than you could ask him to do the same.

That, is growing up.

OK. I don't want to giove any impressions of interfering or influencing your marriage. I'm hoping however, to help you to see this situation is a different perspective.

You both, not just him.

[FTMDiaries]

Thanks for the advice everyone.

As much as I've dreaded doing it, I've now spoken to Hubby about this and I'm going to go ahead with the name change ASAP. I'm sick of being stuck in limbo.

Next step: divorce. Woo. Hoo.

[Schuyler]

Congrats on moving forward.

Having gone, or currently going through, a similar experience, I know it's gut-wrenching. My partner was more than a lover but a friend as well. In the end, over the years, we wanted different things. I have my days where I let myself 'mourn' for him. Otherwise, I find myself keeping busy. My comforting thought, the silver lining in all of this chaos, is that I'm closer to being myself than the day I married him.

[beabela]

Hi, you made your choice regarding your name change, and I congratulate you -- but I flog your therapist for the prodding, even black mail used to get you to that point. I'm pretty sure that is not part of a normal professional course of action. Such line in the sand talk appears to me as nonsense. I wish you great support from therapists and friends, and success in actualizing your true gender. The struggle will be worth it. Hugs, Beatrice

[silly by the seashore]

I always thought you went to a gender therapist to figure out if transition is best for you and to help you get things moving towards that goal if its right for you. Sounds like that one only wants to mess with people who are already starting on the path themselves if he wants you to change your name before he even meets with you. Just sounds a bit off to me. But what do I know, I'm an american. 

[FTMDiaries]

Yeah, the British system sucks somewhat. The downside of it is that we have to follow a very prescriptive (and long-winded) pathway to get anything done. That's the problem with socialised medicine: if you're not the one directly paying for your treatment, you don't get a great deal of control over what happens.

The upside, of course, is that we don't need to go into major debt. So there is a silver lining of sorts.

[Arch]

Seems to me that if you are using the National Healthcare System, you cannot afford to deviate much from the path set out for you by the PTBs, such as the therapist. If you are not ready to change your name and the therapist doesn't want to help you until you do, then you are stuck. If you are willing to change your name, you can move forward.

It also seems that your marriage is already doomed...that's the way you are talking...so you might ask yourself, what exactly do you expect from the relationship? What would you be getting from it if you delayed changing your name and you managed to appease your husband for a little while longer?

FWIW, I hope your path is as painless as possible. Losing a long-term relationship just when you're starting a transition path can be very difficult. It was for me. The good news is that I am still here (well, some people might wish otherwise, but screw them!).

[RachelH]

You might also need T to dull your sense of smell. There is one thing I definitely do not miss about the gents' loo.....

ROFL, So true!!

[Arch]

It's weird, but I think my sense of smell is even keener now. Certainly it hasn't dulled at all.

Keep us posted, FTMD. It seems as if you have made a decision, but sometimes being pushed into a decision is not the best path. But sometimes it's pure gold.

[aleon515]

My therapist said:

Change your name when you change your toilet. Our when you change your toilet change your name.

Sounds silly. But it works.

That's interesting. I guess I am not ready then. Anyway, my therapist told me about it and told me how it was for him, what the proceedure was that is (he's trans). He's only gotten out of his therapist suit twice so that was interesting. I thought about my life and realized it was too complicated now... 

But this one just sounds too weird. Wouldn't a therapist want to see and see what they thought of you transitioning first? It seems interesting that they have assumed you were (really) trans. I suppose might be thinking that if you would be willing and able to change your name you are trans. Odd sort of test.

--Jay J

[Sia]

Regardless of the situation with your husband, I personally wouldn't trust a therapist who would urge me to do this or that part of the transition process without having even met me and knowing whether or not it is the right thing and/or time for me. Even less if they present it as some sort of threat/blackmail/ultimatum conditional to getting treatment.