I want to be invisible

[J.T.]

So for about two weeks I was all gung ho and having a blast exploring my gender issues... issues that i have buried for so long.  I ate to hide my true self, so as not to be attractive to anyone, since puberty hit until about November of last year.  Well, the last two days all i've done is stuff my face and for some reason dealing with my gender is not a priority anymore.  Now all i wanna do is be invisible.

Why am I doing this to myself?  I was so miserable, so why am I self-destructing again?  Why am I trying to hide again?

[Casey]

I know this probably won't help right now, but many transgendered people have self-destructive phases. Somehow it just seems like part of the process, or at least it can be part of the process. And note I said "self-destructive phases" and not "a self-destructive phase". It can bite you in the butt when you least expect it.

See, working on your gender issues isn't the same as admitting you have gender issues and they go away just like that. You've buried them for a reason. For me, it wasn't so much burying my gender issues as burying the hurt, fear, depression, and self-image problems they "caused". I was feeling pretty darned good when I started dealing with my gender issues. But very soon I started having to deal with all that hurt, too.

Burying such strong feelings is a skill you learn. It's a coping mechanism that gets you through. When things get too much for me to handle, like recently, I go back to stuffing the hurt and all that. And because my gender issues are the reason I'm feeling that pain, I don't feel like dealing with them, either. So I fall back into old habits, learned coping skills, to avoid having to deal with the whole shebang.

I understand wanting to be invisible, too. For me, it's just wanting to be me and not worry about what other people think or having to worry about how I interact with them. If I'm invisible, they don't matter; there's nothing they can do to (hurt) me. Sometimes I think it's preferable to be me around nobody than to be not me around other people. But I take comfort, however small it may be, that given those two options I prefer to be me.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by eating to hide your true self, but I understand eating so nobody will find you attractive. It's a form of pushing people away. "You couldn't possibly be interested in me because I'm so ugly, so there." Heh, any given Sunday I can think of five reasons off the top of my head why nobody would ever be attracted to me. But you know what? It's not foolproof. I'd be willing to bet there are at least a few people in your life who don't care and are attracted to you in that way. (Me, I have no life on purpose, so I wouldn't take that bet in my case. But it's an extreme measure I don't recommend.)

Hang in there, ht. The bumpy times don't last forever. I'm not sure why it's happening, but these times seem to be when people do their heavy duty work on their issues.

[RebeccaFog]

Hi HT,

  I think that Casey made a well stated reply. I would only add that if you've spent a lot of time being self destructive, you may have internalized that behavior as being a default. If (I say IF) this is part of what is happening, you may need to find out what triggers the behavior and once you understand that, you will be better equipped to recognize the triggers and consciously catch yourself when you fall into old patterns. This method has really helped me.

  Also, whether it is gender issues or other issues, it takes a lot of work to overcome. This work should not be feared. It is good for you. It is the equivalent of old time mythological people gaining the skills and the courage they need to overcome dragons. Everyone has something unique about them that makes their journey different from everyone else's journey. There are, however, many parallels and similarities with the journeys of others. This means that if you look for them, you can find templates which you can apply to your own efforts.

  There are a lot of people here who have experiences, both good and bad, that can serve as examples for you. It also helps to find people that you can interact with. I saw in your introduction that you have a therapist.  Are there any support groups near you? Sometimes you have to look hard for Trans support groups because many of us are timid about being public about it. I'm not, but I respect the desire in others to remain anonymous.


I wish you well,

Rebecca
 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

Yo HT,

I know about self destructive phases. I've self harmed throughout my life off and on since I can remember, because I hated the body I'm in. It wasn't to make myself unattractive..it was to somehow punish myself for being so 'messed up'. I don't hate my scars..I like them actually..in an odd way..

Invisibility would be great. Means I wouldn't have to get called by my legal name at the doctors office and turn heads..means I could be fat/thin/two headed and have nobody care. But its not possible..so I either end up going suicidal for awhile or punishing myself again, because I don't know what else to do..

Sorry I'm not much help as to how to improve..but I feel ya..

Matt

[J.T.]

Thanks guys... it is a real comfort to know others have gone through the ups and downs too.

I know this probably won't help right now, but many transgendered people have self-destructive phases. Somehow it just seems like part of the process, or at least it can be part of the process. And note I said "self-destructive phases" and not "a self-destructive phase". It can bite you in the butt when you least expect it.

no, very helpful!!!

See, working on your gender issues isn't the same as admitting you have gender issues and they go away just like that. You've buried them for a reason.

how do i find out WHY i buried them?  I guess I could blame society because I had never heard of transgender people until Boys Don't Cry came out.  I knew I was biologically a girl, and that I didn't feel like any other girl in my class... but that's it.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by eating to hide your true self, but I understand eating so nobody will find you attractive. It's a form of pushing people away. "You couldn't possibly be interested in me because I'm so ugly, so there."

eating as a way to control your body.  I couldn't control going through puberty, but i could control the food that went into my body which in turn made it one big blob.  Hiding under the fat, now that I've lost weight i'm no longer straight up and down and my hips are revealing themselves for the first time.  Its scary and I hate it, and that is one of the reasons I finally broke down about a month ago and admitted out loud to my therapist what I had never told anyone in my life.

are there any support groups near you?

yeah, there is one about 20 miles away.  Problem is i've got social anxiety.  Granted it is MUCH better than it used to be, but I don't think i can do that right now.  That's why I found Susan's Place. 

Sorry I'm not much help as to how to improve..but I feel ya..

that is all i need, to know that i am not alone.

[Robyn]

The answers are within you, ht.  That's why the most important thing a gender variant person can do is to see a gender counselor. 

See our lists under the Medical links.

Best wishes.

Robyn

[Casey]

See, working on your gender issues isn't the same as admitting you have gender issues and they go away just like that. You've buried them for a reason.

how do i find out WHY i buried them?  I guess I could blame society because I had never heard of transgender people until Boys Don't Cry came out.  I knew I was biologically a girl, and that I didn't feel like any other girl in my class... but that's it.

That bit in bold sounds like a good place to start. There are a few questions that come to mind, and not all of them might be applicable or what you meant. But what DID you feel like if you didn't feel like any of the other girls? What was it like to not feel like them, how did that make you feel? And beyond feeling different, can you talk about how you felt? What thoughts and emotions did you have, and how did you feel about them?

For many of us, those simple questions hold the answers to so much of what we've been through.

eating as a way to control your body.  I couldn't control going through puberty, but i could control the food that went into my body which in turn made it one big blob.  Hiding under the fat, now that I've lost weight i'm no longer straight up and down and my hips are revealing themselves for the first time.  Its scary and I hate it, and that is one of the reasons I finally broke down about a month ago and admitted out loud to my therapist what I had never told anyone in my life.

While you were having fun exploring your gender issues, how did you feel about your body? Or maybe you weren't even really thinking about it at the time? Also, what is it about your hips revealing themselves that's scary? You hate that your hips are revealing themselves. Hate can sometimes be a "cover" or a mask for fear. Do you think this is what that particular hate is about, or is there something else/more to it?

I know I've asked you a lot of questions. Please don't feel like you have to answer them all, especially anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. I'm just trying to help you focus your thoughts.

[zombiesarepeaceful]

yeah, there is one about 20 miles away.  Problem is i've got social anxiety.  Granted it is MUCH better than it used to be, but I don't think i can do that right now.  That's why I found Susan's Place. 

Ironic..same reason I came here. I can't handle social suitations well.

[J.T.]

i wonder how common that is

[rhondabythebay]

yeah, there is one about 20 miles away.  Problem is i've got social anxiety.  Granted it is MUCH better than it used to be, but I don't think i can do that right now.  That's why I found Susan's Place. 

Ironic..same reason I came here. I can't handle social suitations well.

i wonder how common that is

My feeling is that it is fairly common, I know I sought out online support first, even if it was only reading about other TG's experience. My anxiety is much better now too, since starting therapy, group, and hrt. I was terrified at going to group first, almost chickened out since it is 30 miles away, but now I love going. It is nice to meet others like yourself face to face and see that we all are dealing with similiar obstacles and fears.

Hugs,

Rhonda

[chunk]

wow...a self destructive phase...I had no idea.

Thanks for posting HT. This is helpful to me.

See, I would have never known that because I didn't have the question to ask. You did. Thanks!

Chunk

[J.T.]

glad i could be of help to someone

[Chandra21]

I know sometimes I hide my trueself... I'm a very religious person, and my religion is against this kind of thing, so I have to act like and dress like a boy every sunday morning. Its a pain in the butt, especially since my church has gender roles (which I don't agree much with). I also don't know how my work would take it if I told them I wanted to be treated like a female. Its frustrating. Sometimes I just feel like I just disappear for 2 or 3 years while I go through transition, and then emerge somewhere else in the world, as my true self.