Being in between, Intersex,CD,Trans or Gender Fluid, which one am I?

[Shawn Sunshine]

Well as some of you may know I found out I had Mild AIS (intersex condition) just about 4 months ago, but before that I knew something was different about me not just because of a few body symptoms but also because the way my brain works. How I feel inside right now and for the longest time, has never really been male or female 100%

In the past I had days where i was happy as male, and yet there were days I was needing something else, at first I thought it was just cross dressing which I had done occasionaly, but now at age 40 I am still at an impass. I don't know whether to call myself an intersexed genderfluid crossdresser or just simply transgender but maybe not male to female.

I know for sure that I want to remove all my body and facial hair someday, have never liked it as far back as I can remember and I would like to be rid of it. I know that I look in the mirror and don't really see who I am inside anymore, but I used to at times. I can see myself being happy if I decided to take hormones and transition all the way 100% in every way possible, but I also wonder at times if I would miss the part of myself that makes me intersexed and genderfluid in the way I act and my whole person.

I do voice impressions and I can sing, but for the life of me, when I try and talk like a woman it just comes out sounding very fake and I am not ever sure I could get used to speaking a certain way after hearing myself in my head and outside voice for a very long time. If I went all the way mtf I would have to I think have voice surgery in Korea, and yet I would be throwing away my current set of impressions and would have to learn more female ones (which would not be so bad since my abilities come from my mind and my ability to hear a sound and mimic the mannerisms and voice that way, the voice surgery they do lets you sing and speak naturally apparently).

I know that I could probably just stay in between somewhere and be happy, but again there are certain things about my current body and the fact that I am always thinking about sex all the time and wishing I didn't always have a need to relieve myself downstairs in a sexual way that truly worry me! It's a strange thing, because I like it and yet it disgusts me. I hate this feeling of not really knowing what to do.

So what does this really make me, what direction should I go? Is removing hair and dressing up as female enough for me? I just don't know anymore and even after talking with my therapist and doctor I did not really get to a happy place. How many of you consider themselves in between somewhere, and how do you feel about it?

[spacial]

In the past I had days where i was happy as male, and yet there were days I was needing something else, at first I thought it was just cross dressing which I had done occasionaly, but now at age 40 I am still at an impass. I don't know whether to call myself an intersexed genderfluid crossdresser or just simply transgender but maybe not male to female.

How about looking in the mirror and saying, 'I am ME!'

You'll spend your life, as everyone does, working your way throgh the maze of labels, tags, categories and contrived tripe which other use to make themselevs seem important at our expense. I don't think you seriously want to be helping them, do you?

[justmeinoz]

Apart from talking to a Gender Therapist to help untangle some of your questions, acceptance of your being as unique as every other person alive is about it really.
Don't stress, and maybe just see what comes along.

[Holly P]

Shawn -
Spacial and Justmeninoz are spot on.  Get thee to a Gender Therapist!  Its not about a label - that is the part that makes you crazy, trying to compartmentalize this (been there and still there).  Sorting out who you are is easier working with a professional.    I am working on this now and its been a great experience. 
-Holly

[Shawn Sunshine]

I have seen a gender therapist and was seeing her (she is a psychologist with 13 years experience dealing with gender issues). She told me outright that I do indeed have Gender Identity Disorder, but since i am also Bi Polar she said we will need to try and separate that issue and problem from the other so we can show a gender reassignment doctor that I have a very real need to transition. And I was about to take hormones and start everything but i got scared and left San Francisco after a few events happened to me. So I think what i am going to do is tell the doctor I want to wait on hormones and just see if i can be happy doing other things first before or if I decide to take that step.

How about looking in the mirror and saying, 'I am ME!'

Except i don't really know who "Me" is anymore as far as my gender goes, I don't think i really ever did. I do know though my personality and talents and spirit, never been confused about those.

[spacial]

Except i don't really know who "Me" is anymore as far as my gender goes, I don't think i really ever did. I do know though my personality and talents and spirit, never been confused about those.

I once said that to someone for who I had enormous respect and love at the time, many years ago. The reply, That's it, that's you. Starting from where everyone does.

I know it's a bit confusing. But life isn't suppose to make sense. If it did, there would be any problems and it would only rain at night time!

As for any advice from your therapist. Keep us posted and take it. She sounds like a find.

[spacial]

I'm sorry Shawn, my last response seemed a bit blunt and unhelpful.

What I'm trying to say and I know most here will agree as we've all  been there, is it take time, ages.

You've made the first step. You've accepted it.

Understanding it, that takes ages.

Does that make any more sense to you love?