Two things have been eating at me during the last few days. I don't think there are any easy answers to these issues, but I just wanted to get them out.
I was about 18 when I started to confront some of my sexual issues. That's about how long it took me to admit to myself that I liked men. And at about the same time, though I never thought of it using these words, I started to first deal with the kind of gender role I wanted and what I was looking for in a partner. I found it natural to be more feminine, and I equally naturally gravitated toward men who fit the masculine archetype. And I left it at that for a long time.
I'm in a very loving relationship at present, and my partner is aware of my feelings regarding my gender, and neither of us have any intention of ending it regardless of what comes of this process. So none of what I'm telling you is a really pressing issue.
But I'm still left with these confused feelings. I didn't have a great upbringing, so the gay community made me feel like I was part of something, like I belonged somewhere. It was through it that I met the first people who cared about me without hurting me. It's hard to overstate how much that means to me. I feel like I'm not going to fit into it in the same way, like I'm giving something up, and I don't want to. That's the first thing that's bothering me.
And I guess the second thing is my sexual identity. I'm very sure about the kind of partner I want. That really hasn't changed at all, and I doubt it ever will. But I feel like I'm stepping into an entirely different world, one that I simultaneously know a lot about and know nothing about. I've been in relationships with basically every kind of guy, except for the straight kind. I don't think what's inside of me is going to change that much, but what I'll be dealing with will necessarily change.
Maybe I'm making too much of nothing. I'm just not really sure what to do with these feelings.
