What't the tipping point that made (or will make) you transition?

[Joana25]

"My tipping point" being married to a women for the past 21 years she has known that I have been TG from pretty much the beginning and supportive. After raising are child and securing my career at 36 years of age I hit my tipping point where my depression and living a lie became to great to much to handle anymore, I stare at my self on the mirror and couldn't take it anymore, my wife said she couldn't take me lowing to my self anymore as we'll. it made me realize that I can no longer live as a man and transitioning is the only way to save my sanity . Of course I have been living in denial for to many years. Now I only with I had started younger. 

[Brooke777]

I was using alcohol to drown my feelings for quite a while (I started drinking at 12 years old). At one point the alcohol was just not doing the trick, so I tried to kill myself. After that I quite drinking and learned that if I did not transition, I would try it again and since I was sober, I would not fail. The thought of leaving my son with only one parent is what finally drove me to transition, and I am so happy that I did.

[Celery Stalk]

My tipping point came some random morning.  But for some reasons obscure, the line holding me down just snapped. I had been in a long term relationship (still am, same person score!), and that morning while looking in the full length mirror I told her - if I don't do this, I'm going to die. I wasn't being dramatic, it was a fact that I could feel resonating deep inside. I remember it like it was yesterday.

[JoanneB]

Paraphrasing Janis Joplin; "Transition is just another word for nothing left to loose" has also been the guiding light for my life. I learned a few tricks that work well to help me get by pretending to be a guy. I never came close to the suicidal point, not in my 20's when I twice experimented w/transition nor even today.

However... while not suicidal my mind reels more nights than not about transitioning. I actually achieved my life long dream of actually being seen accepted as a woman. The very thing I wished for but did not achieve decades ago. I am fortunate(?) to have the freedom to spend part of my life living as a woman while my wife guards our home some 300+ miles away from where I live and work. When I am not around her I think of all the joy, happiness and even passion I developed on top of the self worth and self esteem I developed these past almost 3 years.

Part-time is wearing on me, as I've been warned. Plus, being an engineer and always asking "and then what" and "what if" I keep questioning why am I bothering with part-time or thinking of full if I know I really can't because of.... all the usual reasons

My wife, who knows first hand the pain and questions I ask of myself every night, keeps telling me "screw the why nots; What will make you happy?" If it were only that simple...

The tipping point? Discovering the joy and happiness missing from my life for so many many decades. Discovering that I can be a total, complete, self actualized person and not some cardboard cutout. For both my wife and I discovering that after two years of tears and fits, we have both grown closer together as a couple. Discovering there is still a possible future for "Us" although I might or am kicking over the table.

What I find nearly impossible to do is settling for a life part-time as the real me. There is less pain for me if I go back to the "Old Ways". Yet I am finding I cannot do that again.

[kelly_aus]

My 'tipping point' revolves around a guy. After a long time as an essentially asexual and aromantic being, I'd decided to see if I could meet someone. I joined a few dating sites and had a few dates with a few different guys. There was one that was a stand out, Mike. He just treated me a little differently to the other guys - and I liked it.

Mike and I started seeing each other on a more regular and serious basis, and it was all going along fine until 1 fateful night. I was over at his place and we were having an 'after' snuggle and he turned to me and said, 'Who do you think you are fooling? You are no man and you know it.' I choked out some denial, but it occurred to me that if someone who had only known me a short time could see through me, what did my old friends think? What was I supposed to think or do?

Anyway, he and I broke up not long after that and I entered a period of deep introspection - it was a dark period in my life, yes, suicide was considered and dismissed, I wasn't ready to die. The problem was I wasn't sure how to live. I eventually reached a point where I realised I only had 1 way forward - transition. So I came out and waited for the hate - there was none, my friends and family have all been accepting and supportive.

[Aleah]

The tipping point was pretty much when I realised my life would be better and I could transition.

I was very confused and I had no idea "who I was" for a long time, sometimes even know I wish I had a clearer picture of my mental state when I was younger as a form of reinforcement and validation of my choice to transition. Since I hear so many stories of suicidal gender dysphoria and knowing from a young age but I know not everyones the same.

I've been crossdressing and having fantasies about being a woman for a few years, but never thought anything of it. I hadn't experienced any suicidal dysphoria, really ever, but at the same time, I can't say that I was "truely happy" either. When I was younger, I was extremely depressed to the point of suicide, but I had no idea of who I was then. And even after that when I got better (mainly because I became religious), I rarely smiled, I rarely made jokes, I frowned a lot and everything in life was hard but I just pushed on and thought, "I guess this is normal" and it was certainly a hell of a lot better than the depression I had suffered when I was 14-17.

As I got older, I went to university, got into a long term relationship with a woman, that lasted about 6 years and through that time my desire to be feminine just grew, I had no idea why but it became more intense to the point I was dressing and living part-time as a female whenever I could. Then 2 years ago when the relationship ended (partly due to gender issues), I tried to imagine myself as a male going through another relationship, working as a male, living life as a male and just saw no joy or future in any of that and was depressed for a while. I just put that off as "post breakup blues" but now that I think back that was my first case of gender dysphoria because I learnt about a year after that, imagining a life as a female, brought me immense amount of happiness. The more I thought about it, the more I realised this is how I wanted to live my life.

The real tipping point came about 7 or 8 months ago, when I realised that I could do it even though back then I just thought about going stealth and hiding it from friends and family, that gave me the kick I needed since that was my biggest fear. I have like 2 friends (1 which knows and is supportive) and am not very close to my family, I have very little to lose and know that I'm going to be happier, I decided that I should come out to them, even if it doesn't work out for whatever.

I think if I hadn't been religious or hadn't been in a relationship that I clung to for emotional support, I would of been dysphoric a lot earlier and a lot more intensely. I'm still dealing with all the religious and emotional baggage that I put on myself to avoid facing reality but when I look in the mirror, I see a female, it feels right and that's good enough for me.

[Joelene9]

  Being 57 at the time and having indications that I may have prostate cancer.  The thought of dying with problems unresolved such as my GID didn't help here.  One treatment for prostate and testicular cancers and GID are the same.  Female HRT.  I tried the herbals first with only an aggravation of both my prostate and GID.  Why not?

  Joelene

[Kadri]

I was very confused and I had no idea "who I was" for a long time, sometimes even know I wish I had a clearer picture of my mental state when I was younger as a form of reinforcement and validation of my choice to transition. Since I hear so many stories of suicidal gender dysphoria and knowing from a young age but I know not everyones the same.

There are more of us like that around than you think. The first trans woman I ever met had been in a similar situation of not knowing, and I feel I was lucky to meet her first.

[Aleah]

There are more of us like that around than you think. The first trans woman I ever met had been in a similar situation of not knowing, and I feel I was lucky to meet her first.

It's definitely reassuring to find that out. It's helped me deal with my fears and doubts.

[Carlita]

These are wonderful replies - inspiring, moving, profound ... so many stories, each at once completely unique and yet part of a single, greater story that we all share.

Thank you so much, ladies ... keep 'em coming!! 

[Misato]

Having a RLE was a big help.  It let me know I could still function and actually function better.

I wasn't suicidal, but I was destroying myself.  I was getting angry and an all round bummer to be around.   I was dissatisfied with my life and I overworked myself tring to find meaning in school or my job.  Of course that never worked out.  While I am happy to have accomplished the things I have, my work life balance was not in order.  So, I became sour.

Then I launched myself into a real life test.  The daily stresses were still there but didn't seem as bad.  I was more social and less self conscious.  Well, eventually.  My first time out as a woman I was terrified.  And I had my run-ins with not-so-nice members of the public.  But, I could take it.  Overall I came to feel more alive and authentic.

The idea of using my penis for sex never made sense to me, so I never even tried.

I had religious hang-ups to get over.  Financial independence to achieve.  A codependance to free myself from and, as a happy accident, became a better partner for in the process.  From Halloween in kindergarten, when I first realized there were boys and girls and I was on the wrong side, I have been putting one foot in front of the other toward transition.  So there was no "ah ha!" moment for me I can peg.  Big moments, like choosing my new name and admitting aloud I am a woman.  But it's been a long journey.  I look at the road behind and the road ahead and I can't see my start or my destination.  I just know I gotta keep moving.

[translora]

It's amazing to hear all of these tipping points. There is such bravery here, and so much pain.

But it's making me kind of depressed because I feel very out of place in this discussion, like maybe I don't fit the profile of someone who should transition. And that is a very sad thought.

You see, I've never been suicidal (over GID or anything else), and I live a reasonably happy life, with a wonderful spouse and two amazing young sons. My masculinity has always been an ill-fitting coat, but I've learned how to manage it, and even found it to be a useful component to healthy parenting.

And even though masculinity feels like a barrier between me and the rest of the world, I'm quite sure that I could continue this way for the rest of my life and continue to be reasonably happy. In other words, it appears right now that I do not NEED to transition.

But I'm equally sure that I cannot reach my full potential as a person without transition. More than that, it's nagged at me for 42 of my 49 years, feeling almost like an inevitability that I've been making my way toward ever since I first slipped on nylon stockings at age seven. Over the past two years I've been consumed by transition considerations and early planning. I've written about my struggles extensively (see my signature for the link) and attempted to be brutally honest with myself. The bare truth is that, in my mind, transition seems like a train I'm already on that keeps rolling faster and faster, yet one that I could still stop if I really wanted to.

But I don't want to. I want to keep going. I sense something in womanhood that is essential to the better me. I could continue without it, but what would I be missing?

I am on the very cusp of starting physical transition, but can't quite seem to take that next step. In part, it's because of the risk involved, which I can observe all too well on this board. In part, it's because I hope that the whole urge will go away on its own. In part, it's because of how I don't see myself in many of these stories, and wonder if this is just some sort of mid-life crisis delusion.

At this moment, any little thing could push me either way. I am desperately in need of something to tip the scale one way or the other...

Lora

[Carlita]

Lora ... you are not alone. I know EXACTLY how you feel ... I, too, need something to tip the scale. I guess that's why I started this thread.

[ArielleJay]

This is a really awesome thread .

I've sort of .. tip-toed(?) into transitioning. I've always been fighting masculinity, through my life. I am still just 21, but I have always been attached to the romantic and expressive side of life. In the past (teenhood?) I was drawn to the alternative/androgynous/goth scene and found safety there. I could express myself, wear all the makeup and feminine clothing and be accepted. That made things easier for me when a few months ago I just couldn't take it anymore, I was tired of not being able to wear what I want. Once I put on those decorative tights and shorts I couldn't go back. I feel like my friends knew this before I knew this. If I just *poofed* into passing, with all the boobs and butt and such tomorrow they would be pretty cool with it. It keeps me afloat .

Now it's sort of hard to look in the mirror, at certain parts of myself. And now shaving my legs can be sort of upsetting, I don't want to have to fight back the manly hair. I want it gone .

SO. Yeah, that's the tipping point I guess. When I got so accustom to it all, and found myself terribly upset and uncomfortable being anything but the happy giggly girl I've always been under the surface.

Now its either get on the waiting list for GT and hormones, or cry allll theee tiimmmmeeee.

[Emily Aster]

I've tried to bury this for literally decades and each time it comes around again, it's more powerful than the last. My life is a series of failed relationships. Not because they were bad, but because my gender crisis always came back to bite me as soon as we got intimate and my sexual orientation would suddenly flip on me. So I'm approaching 40 now, finally in therapy, and analyzing everything to find out what's what. The most basic parts of my life are constantly in question, things that everybody else seems to just know. My gender and sexual orientation are flip flopping like crazy. I'm starting to wonder if I've been confusing attractiveness with attraction all these years. I believe that there was never any such thing as male mode for me and that it was just a defensive thing. About half my wardrobe is female now and I've begun electrolysis. I'm tired of being miserable so everybody else can be happy.

I don't expect to start the RLT for at least 2 years, but I'm already facing obstacles that I'm not sure how to handle. My father is extremely anti-anything that's not exactly like him and if you looked up the definition of masculinity in a dictionary, you'd find him. I have a gay uncle that gets beat up anytime he tries to come visit his sister (my father's wife). I'm the only son of an only son, constantly reminded that it's my duty to carry on the family name. Even at this age, I am absolutely terrified of the reaction I will get from him when I tell him. Within the past 5 years, I tried to grow my hair out long and he held me down and shaved my head. He saw that my legs were shaved and went completely off the handle, even after I lied to him and said it was from Halloween. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't transition. At this point, I'm ready to go and it gets more and more unbearable to wait as the days progress. I'm seriously considering moving clear across the country and not telling him where before letting him in on my "little" secret, that he'll without a doubt blame my mother for.

[Beverly]

I tried to grow my hair out long and he held me down and shaved my head. He saw that my legs were shaved and went completely off the handle, even after I lied to him and said it was from Halloween.

This is physical abuse - it is actually an assault (at least in the UK). Personally, I would never speak to him again, get away from him and transition in peace or at least explore your own issues without fear.

[Jenny07]

For a long time I have tried to fit in as a male in the world and like so many have failed miserably and always felt awkward and alone.
I excelled in sports to distract me and the gnawing voice in my head, no not the kill all humans but one telling me what the fairy floss are you doing pretending to be male. I remember when I first knew when I was about five telling my mum and her response was that it was not reversable and that I didn't care. I also remember getting married and seeing my ex in a beautiful wedding dress thinking wow that should be me. I tried to come out to a therapist 5 years ago but got consumed by the darkness before I could tell them.
My breaking point is now.
Now I have emerged from my private hell and have some clarity of mind, the time is now, not next year or tommorow. The voices have lessend for now and I have started my journey and it feels better than before. I will see my GP on Saturday after a 5th laser session and get an appointment to see a new therapist, also hope to get something to stop the hair loss that seems to be increasing.
I am filled with fear as I am alone, I am filled with excitement at what will happen.
I want to live. I want to be at peace.
I want to be me.

[Beverly]

I am filled with fear as I am alone, I am filled with excitement at what will happen.
I want to live. I want to be at peace.
I want to be me.

((hugs))

[Carlita]

This is physical abuse - it is actually an assault (at least in the UK). Personally, I would never speak to him again, get away from him and transition in peace or at least explore your own issues without fear.

I TOTALLY agree! And as for that whole business about carrying on the family name, unless you happen to be a member of the British royal family (that's not you, is it Harry?? ) you are under no obligation to produce an heir, or maintain the family name ... and you're certainly not under any obligation to an abusive, homophobic, transphobic and, by the sound of it, misogynist father.

One of the few benefits of getting older is that we should be able to start freeing ourselves from the obligations of youth, the insecurities and the uncertainties. I'm not saying we - or even 'I' to be specific - manage that. But we're entitled to respect, self-respect and the right to define ourselves on our terms, not our parents'.

This is your life, not your father's. You have the right to dress how you want, present how you want and be who you want. And if he doesn't like it, well too bad for him.

[Emily Aster]

I've known I've needed to get away from him for years, but it's hard. I really don't have a problem with walking away, it's the fear of his reaction that gets me. It's a central topic in therapy and the only major obstacle to my transition. That's why I'm waiting at least 2 years to go all out. I need to learn to deal with him or learn how to walk away from him. As a kid, I stopped talking to him several times throughout the years. He'd always guilt trip me back to him through some other family member, then when I think he's ok, about a week later, he returns to his former self.  The whole family walks on eggshells around him, including his own parents, so I know it's not just me thinking the worst. I guess that just adds to the fear though.