The Newbie who never wanted to be a newbie

[Jeanette Marie]

Oh geeez,

Why do I start getting tears in my eyes after reading here.

Thank you all.

I feel very supported.


News: I have a therapist.....I'm actually excited to get started...I hope I can say the same in the future.  For now, I agree with you all. It's best that I don't think of starting a relationship with someone other than myself... Great advice.  I can live with the loneliness, for now. But honestly, I don't feel lonely, just confused and distracted.

[Jeanette Marie]

The appointment is set. My butt hits the chair in one week. I'm excited, nervous, optimistic and frightened.  She does sound really nice.

I cried AGAIN today. Three times, actually. I usually suck it back in. I can't lose control right now.....BUT- Where is this coming from?  I'm finding I can bring it on by thinking about all of this or by talking to my friend "J". She has been through it all and is sooooooo understanding.  I did tell "J" that I would try my best to let the therapist do her thing and not dump my stuff on her. She is my friend and I don't want to lose that.

Sometimes it's a challenge to accept this place too. I have never felt so accepted, without consequences. It's a strange feeling for me. Once I get through it, I hope to pass it along to another.

Today, I realized I don't want to date and I have little interest in sex. The sex part is strange because mine is usually high. The dating part is fine too....even on my best day i hate dating.. . I'm okay with it. Seems easier to NOT complicate my life right now and I need to keep my focus on work and kids.
I am, however, craving information and connections with people who understand. I'm reaching out like never before.

I have more to write, but the words are not ready. More later.

Before I go: thanks Jamie and Catherine. It helps

[Jeanette Marie]

Catherine mentioned something yesterday that has stuck to me like glue.

I'm paraphrasing here:  " I may wish to actively develop my feminine traits by attempting to live as a woman"

To my knowledge, I've never tried on woman's clothing....not even past girl friends panties. Never never never....but, why does this suggestion not freak me out. A small flood gate has opened over the past day and memories of my past, buried long ago, come back to me as flashes, video clips of my youth. 

All day I've been rolling the concept around my head. It's not freaking me out.  Why?

These are some of the thoughts I've been actively imagining: laser hair removal of facial hair? (that's a good idea, regardless) Nose job, mine needs to be slimmer. If I had breasts, I would like small ones; Just a handful. I wonder what size that would be? Painted nails???  Not sure. Maybe my toes. Not my fingers.

I'm not freaking out.   Why?  I'm not jumping for joy either, but I'm definitely not freaking out.

Geekbabe has this gif of a m2f transformation I can't stop looking at. It fascinates me. Not sexually...that's just wrong.

What would my mother say?   Now THAT freaks me out more than telling my kids.

At this point, I think am going to relax in bed and try to let the images of my past come as needed. I will try to not judge, just observe. I am not sure I will like them all, but I think there is a purpose here.

I will trust myself to keep myself safe
I control me and my life
I choose my reaction
I need to know the truth about me and this time I think I want to know

[Jeanette Marie]

It is truly amazing what a day can do for the heart, mind and soul, if we allow it.

It's been a good day. I have made some decisions, thought through some situations and come to a peaceful place of acceptance of the journey. I'm sure there may be days when things are not so happy, but those days are not here.

Here is a bit of what's up.
1. I am going to start wearing a piece of woman's clothing. I'm thinking something under my shirt would work. I'm going for the good stuff too. I will buy it myself. It's my clothing.
2. I'm going to try my best to enjoy this journey. I feel like I have spotted home in the distance.
3. Anyone who brings negative energy to my journey is not welcome. I'm here for a reason and I'm not going to waste my time and energy. I've done that for too long.
4. I will thank my friends daily, in spirit, in thought and in person for willingly offering their time and support. This includes everyone here.
5. I will be honest, open honorable and accepting.....to the best of my ability.
6. I will share with those who care to know.

[Jeanette Marie]

It's been a tough night. I've only slept about two hours. I've spent the past 4 hours watching feminization and HRT videos and reading the before and after threads.  It's going to take everything I have to get through the day without crying at every little thing. There are lots of thoughts racing through my mind and I'm shaking like a leaf in the wind.

I've ordered my first piece of clothing and just got the tracking number. It should arrive tomorrow. I don't think I can wait. I think I may need to visit the mall and pick up something today. I will just say I'm shopping for my GF. I spent a considerable amount of time shaving all of the hair off my legs and chest. I want my skin to touch every inch of the clothing. I need to feel this. I feel it may give me some information I desperately need.

Off topic. I just remembered that I was named after a girl. It was a distant relative, but I've known and felt comfortable with the name my whole life. When and if the time comes, I have my new name ready and waiting. The thought of this makes me cry....AGAIN.  Why am I crying so much? The last time I was this emotional was during my divorce. That was 15 years ago.

What's happening to me. I'm frightened yet I'm obsessed with this journey. I just want answers, advice, anything!

[Catherine Sarah]

Congratulations QNL,

You're doing an amazing job of sorting through a mile of suppressed thoughts dating back to your early childhood. And thats why some of these thoughts, such as dressing/living as a woman doesn't freak you. It's tending to be more the natural you. Scary!!! Absolutely, when you consider the repercussions. But lets work on that later.

There's one key trick to this whole thing. Don't hold back on the crying. If a thought/action/event triggers tears, let them roll. The more you cry the better you feel, the more cleansed your mind becomes and the greater the clarity of your journey. They will stop,in time. It's a natural body reaction. Similar to laughing. You need to do it.

You, my dear girl, are on the edge of discovering the most amazing woman in your whole life. YOU.

Embrace and enjoy the journey; it is uniquely, distinctively, YOURS. Take ownership of it. Possess it.

Huggs
Catherine

[Jeanette Marie]

Thank you Catherine,

I do think I need to compartmentalize my emotions. Yesterday, I started to tear up during a staff meeting. I quickly excused myself to the bathroom and blamed it on allergies. I'm going to try my best to do my work during working hours and my "me" work during me hours. I can't put my job in jeopardy. I will do my best to let my emotions take a natural course.

Of course, Your "my dear girl" statement opened the flood gates.  It's foreign to read this yet it feels good. I imagined my Mother saying it to me.

I even went to two different stores today to get girl clothes. I could not wait any longer.  Of course, I got the size wrong, but I did it. I got a simple black camisole and some sleepwear. It feels so good against my skin.

Thank you. You gave me what I needed to hear.

[Jeanette Marie]

Coming out?  Strange phrase, but it works, I guess.  It just came out of me.  I'm not ashamed to tell.

I told two people tonight of my intentions to seek gender counseling. I actually told my mother I may not want to live as a man any more. So, I guess I jumped in with both feet?

My girlfriend ( platonic ) is so awesome. She said she does not understand, but will support me. She even registered as a SO to gain a greater understanding. I love her dearly and we are tight.

Tomorrow will be an interesting day for mom. I hope this doesn't kill her, but I need her to answer some key questions from my childhood. She is tough and I think she will be okay.  I did, however, lay down some ground rules for her that I hope she can follow. I just asked her to celebrate this journey with me, wherever it leads. If she can't, then trust that I'm doing what's best for me..

It's been an emotional, but also a rewarding day. Baby steps and the support of so many wonderful people. I feel so blessed.

Good night , I'm done crying and it's time to sleep.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi QNL,

Good to hear your baby steps are being just so positive an experience for you. Just be selective in these early days as to who knows. So people either can't or won't understand what is happening to you. In the end, this is there problem, NOT yours. There is nothing you can do for those people.

Now for lesson number 2. What name are you going to choose for yourself. The sooner this family can start calling you by your name,the sooner you'll build your self confidence and esteem.

Lesson number 3. Buy shares in Kleenex tissues now. By the time you're through this, they'll be paying a fine dividend.      

Huggs
Catherine 

P.S. Lovely hair you had back then. Should look good when you regrow

[Jeanette Marie]

Catherine, I just love you. I hope you don't mind if I adopt you as my big-sister?

Once AGAIN, you had me in tears....BIG ONES.  So much so, I could not drive for a few minutes. Crying certainly feels good and each time gets a bit deeper. I feel a gut wrenching cry coming in the future and I welcome it. It's exhausting, but opens me up a bit more and it rips one more brick from the wall.

NEWS FLASH:  I didn't kill mom!       She survived me coming out and has been very communicative all day. She told me that she now understands why I would not let her get close to me.  WOW
I'm sure she is struggling as It is all so new, but we are in a place we have never been. She really wants to understand, accept and be part of my journey.  WOW. WOW
I look forward to the day when she quits ending her emails and texts with "son" and calls me daughter or by my new name. More on the name later.

I had another milestone today. One I have NEVER experienced my whole life. I struggled to find clothes to wear to work. I hated everything in my wardrobe. It didn't feel like my stuff. All day it bothered me. Liken the feeling to wearing your creepy uncles used clothes. It bothered me so much, I stopped at the mall and bought two cute cami's. The sales girl was adorable and very helpful. The minute I put it on, I felt normal. Just like my american express, " I won't leave home without it".


Okay....I've been giving a lot of thought to my girl name and here is where I stand with the whole situation.  I know I was named after a family member who died. Jewish tradition in my family states that the first born will carry the name or initials of the dearly departed. I've known this name my whole life and I kind of like it. I want to ask my mother how she feels and I'm not sure when she will be ready for such a question. The name I take is one I hope my parents will come to use as time progresses and they gain a comfort for me.

Catherine, is it okay if I wait a bit to decide or is it important that I have one soon?  I want to pick one that is special to me and I will research names tonight as I want one too.

Okay, back to mom.  She either wants to talk tonight or email me. I told her to pick what is most comfortable for her and do it in a time frame she is comfortable with. I've reassured her many times that I am truly okay.....I think she finally gets it. 

Oh, just in case you want a good chuckle.....this feeling still makes me laugh... I want boobs!  Badly!

I will close this with something I've never felt until now.  I'm one happy girl....

[Jeanette Marie]

I just finished a thoughtful chat with my mother. It went well and we were both honest and open. I told her that I would always answer her questions, but would likely not offer a lot of information. If she wants to know, she can ask me. I feel more centered. I will never have a deeply close relationship with her, she is too reserved to reach out. But, we have more today than we had yesterday. I'm grateful.

Now, here is an OMG revelation. While talking to mom and telling her about my friends ( all of you) and my counselor we both realized the date of my first gender counseling appointment is the same day my father died. Exactly one year.    WOW.    I'm curious to know how I will feel on Monday.

I also asked Mom for permission to assume the name I want. I feel it is right to gain her permission since it has so much significance and the name is from her side of the  family. Either way,  I will be fine. There are plenty of beautiful names to choose from

[Cindy]

Well Doll you are leaping along. Don't get up set if some depression sets in, it is common toi run and be very happy and escape and stuff and them feel a bit bad. We all do. It is just the hormones and serotonin doing its stuff.

Glad to hear that you have opened up family communications  and Mum is so supportive. That will help a lot.

Geex I'll have to send Catherine in for plastic surgery to get that silly grin off her face. Or maybe a quick brand will work.

[Jeanette Marie]

Thank you, Cindy.

I will remember that. I actually hope this calms down a bit. It's emotionally exhausting. Having all of you here helps so much. I would be in the loony bin otherwise.

Time to sleep...if I can.

Nite nite

[Cindy]

Hugs and sweet dreams Sis

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi QNL,

Catherine, I just love you. I hope you don't mind if I adopt you as my big-sister?

Thank you QNL. with the fabulous effort you are persevering with I'm honoured and proud to be your sister.

Once AGAIN, you had me in tears....BIG ONES.  So much so, I could not drive for a few minutes. Crying certainly feels good and each time gets a bit deeper. I feel a gut wrenching cry coming in the future and I welcome it. It's exhausting, but opens me up a bit moate and it rips one more brick from the wall

Releasing this mountain of repressed thoughts and feelings from over the years often causes this ocean of tears. Which in themselves, as you no doubt have found, provide a profound cleansing effect.

I'm just so happy to hear your Mum coming on board. Don't be surprised if she's known for a long time herself. Mothers generally are very intuitive about their siblings..

Catherine, is it okay if I wait a bit to decide or is it important that I have one soon?  I want to pick one that is special to me and I will research names tonight as I want one too.

Take as much time as you like. Obviously the sooner you choose one the sooner other revelations will open up to you. You have already completed part 1 of a 2 stage process with respects to your journey. The first is to acknowledge or affirm your feminine persona, the next stage takes you places you never thought existed, or thought possible. That's the validation stage, where you give that persona a life, a name, a personality. You then start living the dream. And dreams do come true.

Oh, just in case you want a good chuckle.....this feeling still makes me laugh... I want boobs!  Badly!

             
Oh well!! There goes the baby steps. Right out the door. Cindy was right when she said "you're leaping along."  Just go with the flow girl. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I will close this with something I've never felt until now.  I'm one happy girl....

Well make that your Mantra each day, each hour, each minute. Embrace it. Possess it. Live it. Be it. It's yours.

Huggs
Catherine

[Emily Aster]

Today, I realized I don't want to date and I have little interest in sex. The sex part is strange because mine is usually high.

I deal with that a lot. Really confusing. I have a very high libido, will only ever approach women, but never actually enjoy sex with them. It stinks. I don't approach men because I find I'm only interested in sex with them and I need an emotional connection, which is only there with women for me.

[Jeanette Marie]

Karen,

Maybe this is TMI, but it startled me....last night, I woke twice from the feeling of my own erection.  For the first time in my life, it didn't feel sexual. I just wanted it to go away. I didn't want the responsibility of dealing with it..  How strange is that?  I'm very reassured to feel like this has nothing to do with sex...it's about me....

[Jeanette Marie]

Thank you Catherine and Cindy,

I love you.

I'm at a point where I need to let my head, heart and soul slow down. I need to settle into the last week, it's been one hell of a ride and I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I need to get my sleep cycle back or I will lose my mind. I am hopeful.

Please know I am okay, not depressed, just exhausted.

I'm spending the evening with "J". She always makes me feel good and she allows me to be myself.

[Jeanette Marie]

It's a new day and I'm doing better.  Spending last evening talking with my friend helped a lot,  and gave me lots more to think about.  I need to keep control or my life will spin out of control. I see this now.

I really want to explore my girl mode and  feminize myself much more. How do I do this without freaking out my kids and employer. I look in the mirror and avoid my face. It looks like my father and it looks like a man. When I look below my shoulders I feel better. I think I have a reasonably nice shape which screams to be treated like a girl. From the back, I could pass.  Now I want the front to be that way too. 

Although I'm not feeling the desire to wear girl underwear full time, would it help if I had something to replicate breasts?  I've been fixated on my small breasts all week and want to see how I look and feel in my camisole & jeans outfit. It's a look that is completely me.


Summing it up, I feel better yet more confused too. I'm doubting myself and my motives. Maybe because of fear? I've had two friends STRONGLY suggest I set firm boundaries for girl mode. I see this now.  My kids would freak out and it may destroy our relationship.  For now, girl mode is limited to under garments under my man clothes. 

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi QNL,

I'm impressed at the maturity you perceive this journey of yours. Certainly limitations should apply, but you'll know where and when. Take time to listen to yourself.

The issue of your children is best left for discussion with your therapist, as she will know your situation far better than anyone here will. We but see a snapshot of your day to day life. Your therapist sees a must broader horizon.

Regarding your self image, until you've had more time learning to understand your feminine persona in a deep more meaningful manner, don't concentrate on your body image. Turn it off, so to speak, otherwise it will distract you. With a stronger self confidence and esteem, you'll be able to work more productively on that matter.

Experimenting with breasts is very simple and cheap in the beginning. All you need is either bird seed or small grain rice and some balloons. Not knowing what your body dimensions are, if you measure round your chest under your bust, and if an odd number, go to the next even number, equates to your bra band size. i.e. if it were 37" you'd be a 38". Go to a charity store, buy a bra in your band size preferable a 'B' cup, fill the balloons to appropriate level with the bird seed and insert into bra and feel the sensation. A 'B' cup should measured across your nipple area should be 2" larger than your band size. i.e. 40". It's will ensure approximate body proportions.

Beware of fear (False Evidence Appearing Real), it will introduce confusion and doubt. Try and prioritise your feelings and deal with them. If there is a lack of information to deal with it, put it aside and deal with the next. Remember your mantra and know that there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with you in any way, shaper or form.

Under dressing is a very useful form for accepting your new identity. There is nothing wrong with it and it may provide a good boundary to set in the initial stage. At the very least it should provide some comfort and reduced anxiety.

Enjoy the "getting to you know the new you", you are going through.

Huggs
Catherine