How do I convince my Mother?

[Riven]

How do I help my Mother understand why I want to change my gender? Her biggest argument is she doesn't see it and has never seen it in me. I know I didn't act like a female when I was very young and I never have, but the point I can make on this is I honestly don't plan on changing how I act or truly who I am, I'll look and dress like a female, but I'll still love video games, and getting dirty and sports and everything else I've ever been involved with. I know it's easy for her to think her son that she's known for 20 years will be gone but how do I convince her otherwise? I don't need her approval as I'm on my own but her support is very important to me.

[suzifrommd]

How do I help my Mother understand why I want to change my gender?

I'd start by making clear that this isn't something you want to do, it's something you need to do. Transgender is not something we chose. It's something we're born with. It doesn't get better or go away on its own.

However it is a recognized medical condition with a standard, effective treatment (living as our internal gender). Untreated, it can be very serious, even life-threatening. Treatment tends to have a better outcome for people who have the support of those who love them.

Your mother may need educating about these points. Keep reminding her of them, repeating them often if necessary.

I know I didn't act like a female when I was very young and I never have, but the point I can make on this is I honestly don't plan on changing how I act or truly who I am, I'll look and dress like a female, but I'll still love video games, and getting dirty and sports and everything else I've ever been involved with.

None of this is important. There are millions of females who like video games, getting dirty, and sports. The women I know who have transitioned, still tend to like the same things they did when they were living as men.

Just like non-transgender women, we are allowed to be whatever kind of women we want.

I don't need her approval as I'm on my own but her support is very important to me.

Unfortunately, you can't control whether she approves or not. You can only control how you deal with her. You can choose to keep trying to educate her, but whether she becomes educated or not is ultimately up to her.

Good luck and hugs, Metora.

[JulieC.]

I might add one thing.  We were brought up as males and taught from the crib how to act like a male.  We weren't really given a choice.   

[spacial]

If I may further add, you didn't get the choice, it really isn't hers to decide otherwise.

I made that mistake. It's your choice if you do the same. But I don't recommend you don't. (Double negative which actually makes sense!! I think! )

[Carbon]

Some of the ideas here are good, but you're honestly probably not going to convince your mother to accept you via debate. -_- I didn't "act female" as a child, but I wasn't exactly given free reign to do that. Plus there's not one way female and male people act, we can ALL find "signs" in our childhood if we look hard enough but realistically we could find those things in other people's childhoods too. Someone isn't trans because she liked barbie dolls, someone doesn't stop being trans because she likes video games. I mean if liking video games makes you a man then half the people who play video games must be ftm .

I'm not sure your age, but I explained to my parents that:
-Them not being aware of something doesn't mean it didn't exist or didn't happen, but...
-There's not necessarily any reason they SHOULD have been aware of it, given that I was trying really hard to hide it.
-It's not something they "caused" or could have prevented.
-I had a lot of reasons to hide it in regards to social pressure, already dealing with harassment and not wanting to draw attention to myself, etc.
-That at this point it wasn't a question of me transitioning or me not transitioning, but me transitioning with their support or transitioning without it.

That basically did it. I think it would have been harder if I was still a minor, but since I'm an adult basically they got to choose between being one of the parents who estrange their children because the child is LGBT or gradually changing some parts of how they relate to me or view me. I'm still not sure if they're totally comfortable with it but they ultimately went with the second one.

[Riven]

Thanks all for the kind words and advice, also I agree with you agfrommd, I mispoke when I said want instead of need, because I do understand I will always live in regret if I don't make the change that I feel on the inside is right. Also, Carbon, thank you so much for the points that you mentioned at the bottom of your post, I've made some of these arguments but I have a difficult way of conveying ideas to others because my mind moves too fast for my mouth and I often miss details when trying to explain things to my mother. The next time the debate opens up I'll have to reconsider my words so I get the point across more easily. Also speaking with her over skype (I'm currently deployed out of country) I do see some opening up because I've explained to her that I won't ever let anybody tell me 'no', so I'm hoping that she is accepting the fact that I'm steering my own life and there's really nothing she can do to turn me away from what I believe will make me happy. She also mentions that this is a difficult road I'm choosing to go down, and I'm aware of this, although I'm not sure how I will be able to handle it if trouble comes my way. Can anybody calm my fears on this? The best I've done to prepare for any possible violence is investing in self-defense and becoming knowledgeable on ways that I can use to protect myself.

[Padma]

It might also help if you asked her some questions, so she feels listened to - like asking her why this is so difficult for her? This could also take some of the interrogation pressure off you .

[Beverly]

That at this point it wasn't a question of me transitioning or me not transitioning, but me transitioning with their support or transitioning without it.

^^^^ This

... I have a difficult way of conveying ideas to others because my mind moves too fast for my mouth and I often miss details when trying to explain things to my mother.

In that case write it on ONE sheet of paper (make it fit) and let her read that at her own speed. You can discuss the points with her afterwards but get the important stuff down on paper.

[MadelineB]

What changed it for my mother, was not hearing about it. Its hard to picture someone you've known forever in a new gender expression or to understand that it comes from a permanent and hidden gender identity (we can, but then, we have some experience). That's hearsay.

What changed it for my mother, first, was hearing from my sister and other family members who knew me now as a woman. That's corroboration.

Then she decided from what they said that this was real and was serious and probably permanent, so she started reading everything she could. That's education.

Finally she came to visit and spent time with me as ME. We had such a wonderful time, and she told me she understood intellectually because of what she read, but she didn't understand it in her heart until she saw me, so happy, so real, and so ME... more genuine and more at ease than she had ever known me. The proof is in the pudding, and I'm a LOT of pudding now. For most people, seeing is the start of believing. Good luck. Moms are important, and I hope your Mom comes to know and adore the new you as you are able to show her to her.

[Saffron]

That's so true, people need to see in order to believe. even the accepting ones have a hard time trying to figure it.

[Emily Aster]

Actions really shouldn't make or break you. One of my cousins, a gg, grew up extremely tomboyish. She got into fights with the boys, played sports, liked getting dirty and fishing, things that society pegs as male type things, but nobody ever thought of her as a boy.

I did two things to help my mother understand. She'll never fully understand, but I feel it helped a lot. I wrote her a very detailed letter about the part of me that she didn't know and I bought a book that was basically a diary of a MTF and gave it to her to read. It's the only time I ever saw my mother cry. Not because I had told her, but because of what she realized I had been going through and the fact that she couldn't help.

[DannyXD]

What will help your mother the most is watching you go through all of this and seeing the new person you will be. It's hard to see at first, when we're looking at a person and can only see them one way. Once they've changed, and given time after that, we see that new person. This is normally as if the old person had passed away and a new person is kind of living the life that they used to live. It's difficult, but in time everything will fall into place and your mother will understand as much as she's able.

[Carbon]

Thanks all for the kind words and advice, also I agree with you agfrommd, I mispoke when I said want instead of need, because I do understand I will always live in regret if I don't make the change that I feel on the inside is right. Also, Carbon, thank you so much for the points that you mentioned at the bottom of your post, I've made some of these arguments but I have a difficult way of conveying ideas to others because my mind moves too fast for my mouth and I often miss details when trying to explain things to my mother. The next time the debate opens up I'll have to reconsider my words so I get the point across more easily. Also speaking with her over skype (I'm currently deployed out of country) I do see some opening up because I've explained to her that I won't ever let anybody tell me 'no', so I'm hoping that she is accepting the fact that I'm steering my own life and there's really nothing she can do to turn me away from what I believe will make me happy. She also mentions that this is a difficult road I'm choosing to go down, and I'm aware of this, although I'm not sure how I will be able to handle it if trouble comes my way. Can anybody calm my fears on this? The best I've done to prepare for any possible violence is investing in self-defense and becoming knowledgeable on ways that I can use to protect myself.

Sorry for not responding sooner, I've had a lot of stuff going on. I definitely get not being able to explain some of that coherently... I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it so I emailed both my parents a long email that contained that stuff and copied it to my sister. My father has visited me a few times since then (while I'm still presenting as male) and we haven't really talked about it, but otherwise when I go back to visit my family for the holidays it will be the first time I've seen them in person since that. Email can seem impersonal but it really is such a great tool for me to use to communicate and it was the only way I could be sure I would do a good job with everything. I was so lucky that they were supportive and the rest I hope will just come with time as they see me being successful and happier.

One of the things I ended up saying in an email to them, not the first but after something similar got brought up, was that if I got harassed I still wasn't the cause of it. I pointed out that I lived in one of the states without anti-discrimination laws towards trans people and suggested that if they hadn't done things like supporting new legislation then they should look to themselves before looking for things I'm doing wrong. I think ultimately things like new legislation will make a much bigger difference than any amount of self defense training and the good news is that (at least in the US) we exist in an age of increasing protections for trans people. The latest gain was probably the  nation wide ruling by the EEOC against workplace discrimination towards trans people that happened a few months ago.

For you as an individual person, obviously you still have to do some risk mitigation. "Victim blaming" is no good, but neither is putting yourself in a dangerous situation when you can avoid it. The truth, though, is that the vast majority of trans women who are killed are poor, Black, or Latin American. So you can avoid this by not being any of those things. If that isn't feasible 2/3 (or at least 1/3) will make you a lot safer. If you're in the US military and finishing up your contract, I assume you either already went to college or will be entitled to tuition free education. Make use of that. A White trans woman with a middle class office job who drives a car is obviously not in the same situation as a poor Black trans woman who has to use public transportation to get everywhere.  The White trans woman still has to deal with discrimination and harassment, but the same level of risk is just not there. On my more cynical days I think certain people were marked for death before they were even born. (Edit: If you're not from the US, I know the risk towards trans women can be much greater depending on where you are from.)

Beyond that, just do the things all women do to keep safe. I've seen night described as "men's space." I'm not much looking forward to losing that privilege and having to be more careful about where I go and when I do it, but if I'm going to live as a woman in our culture it will have to be part of my life.

[Silvermist]

Her biggest argument is she doesn't see it and has never seen it in me.

Well, her observations and impressions of you have nothing to do with what's inside your head and what you feel in your heart. So her opinion doesn't have a reasonable basis.

My own parents explicitly claimed to know me better than anyone else could, but they were so emotionally negligent and otherwise inattentive and disinterested toward me throughout my childhood and adolescence that they hardly knew me at all. They were totally unaware that I had been chronically depressed and intermittently suicidal ever since puberty started, until I told them when I was about 23 years old. A stranger who only reads my Facebook profile might know me better than my parents ever did. Not surprisingly, they were in denial about my transgender feelings, which I had already shared with a few of my closest (and supportive/accepting) friends. Parents tend to take things for granted and assume that they know their their children better than they actually do.

[Seyranna]

You don't... You show it, LIVE it and don't seek anyone's approbation. People can either support you or get the F out of the way.