It's long, I know, but I needed to write it out - somehow, somewhere.
So I should be heading to Minnesota in about a week or two. It's a bit nerve-wrecking, if truth be told. Not for the fact that I'm moving back to a place I believed I'd never come back to, but I feel I lost 6 years in vain. There was never anything here for me, and it has become so painfully obvious. I just wish...I just wish it was easier to move on or I wasn't so acutely aware of every mistake I have ever made. It's becoming harder to breath, to take a look at life with a sense of hope and ambition. I want...normalcy, camaraderie - and somewhere along the way, I lost it and my fighting spirit.
I didn't know where else to turn to. I moved to Maryland, away from friends and family - I was in love. To confess, I'm still in love, unrequited as it may be. But with things ending on a bad note, my invitation is being rescinded. I am now waiting for a bus ticket, living in the same house as the man who doesn't want me - that within itself hurts (and probably the main cause of my distress).
When I was younger, I was angry - at the people around me, at the world, at myself. (To explain, I've lived in an abusive home, which continued after I graduated to follow me for the next four years of my life) I wondered how I ended in such a position to let myself be seen as weak, so I fought for everything, whether it needed to be fought for or not. And - and those days were good days. Now I'm again on my knees, but I'm not so angry as I am exhausted. And alone. Again.
I'm back to analyzing every mistake. Every slip of the tongue, every moment of silence, every lie and truth wrung out. Move on, I understand. Give it time, I've heard. The heart heals, more fish in the sea, have hope, etc. Words and phrases that are suppose to comfort but couldn't even acknowledge that I am not sure I can: move on, give it time, heal...
To get away from one ill environment, I move into another - with my mother. She...has her own problems and our history is a long one. The thing, which scares me, is being in that environment (as an adult) and trying to transition into my home gender. She doesn't know, not sure I'd like to tell her, but I'm not sure I could keep on hiding without destroying what little progress I'm claiming.
There are days, more than ever, that I can't even stand looking at myself in the mirror. What I want to see and what I need to see...doesn't reflect in the glass surface. Would it been easier if I was a cis-woman, with the feminine qualities that friend or foe wouldn't see as alarming traits outside the norm?
I don't have all the answers. I know it'll be a long road, difficult, but I never thought I'd be ready to break so early. Crack away the old to make way for the new?
TL;DR Just feeling like the world is crashing down and I'm struggling to gather the pieces.
