It's long, I know, but I needed to write it out - somehow, somewhere.

So I should be heading to Minnesota in about a week or two. It's a bit nerve-wrecking, if truth be told. Not for the fact that I'm moving back to a place I believed I'd never come back to, but I feel I lost 6 years in vain. There was never anything here for me, and it has become so painfully obvious. I just wish...I just wish it was easier to move on or I wasn't so acutely aware of every mistake I have ever made. It's becoming harder to breath, to take a look at life with a sense of hope and ambition. I want...normalcy, camaraderie - and somewhere along the way, I lost it and my fighting spirit.

I didn't know where else to turn to. I moved to Maryland, away from friends and family -  I was in love. To confess, I'm still in love, unrequited as it may be. But with things ending on a bad note, my invitation is being rescinded. I am now waiting for a bus ticket, living in the same house as the man who doesn't want me - that within itself hurts (and probably the main cause of my distress).

When I was younger, I was angry - at the people around me, at the world, at myself. (To explain, I've lived in an abusive home, which continued after I graduated to follow me for the next four years of my life) I wondered how I ended in such a position to let myself be seen as weak, so I fought for everything, whether it needed to be fought for or not. And - and those days were good days. Now I'm again on my knees, but I'm not so angry as I am exhausted. And alone. Again.

I'm back to analyzing every mistake. Every slip of the tongue, every moment of silence, every lie and truth wrung out. Move on, I understand. Give it time, I've heard. The heart heals, more fish in the sea, have hope, etc. Words and phrases that are suppose to comfort but couldn't even acknowledge that I am not sure I can: move on, give it time, heal...

To get away from one ill environment, I move into another - with my mother. She...has her own problems and our history is a long one. The thing, which scares me, is being in that environment (as an adult) and trying to transition into my home gender. She doesn't know, not sure I'd like to tell her, but I'm not sure I could keep on hiding without destroying what little progress I'm claiming.

There are days, more than ever, that I can't even stand looking at myself in the mirror. What I want to see and what I need to see...doesn't reflect in the glass surface. Would it been easier if I was a cis-woman, with the feminine qualities that friend or foe wouldn't see as alarming traits outside the norm?

I don't have all the answers. I know it'll be a long road, difficult, but I never thought I'd be ready to break so early. Crack away the old to make way for the new?

TL;DR Just feeling like the world is crashing down and I'm struggling to gather the pieces.

Best of luck.

Personally, I try to live by the Never Look Back.

But you should do what you think is right for you.

Schu, you're obviously very down right now and it sounds like you have good reason to feel so.  But remember who you are and try to take away lessons from the time and place your leaving behind you.  It didn't work out - yes it sucks.  But I'm sure you learned a few things from the experience.  Did it help you to figure out who you are or what kind of life you want (or don't want)?  Life is about change.  Even the bad experiences, and the perceived negative changes are sometimes necessary in our evolution as humans.

Also remember that your move to your mother's is "temporary".  Perhaps look at the time there as an opportunity to re-center yourself before you pack your bags again and set off on the next great adventure in life.

While it must pain you to hide your femininity away for a while, you have to make sure it IS only a while. 

I know you don't want more empty platitudes, so I won't give you any.  Life DOES sometimes suck.  Heartbreak IS painful.  Lost time can NEVER be regained.

But - and here's the but - your life is yours.  You have the choice to go wherever you want with it whenever you want, and no one can take that away from you.  You say you lost your fighting spirit - maybe it's not your spirit you lost but your excuses for fighting?  When we fight - it's always for "something".  First examine if your need to fight is truly a positive part of your character (it may be) or if it's in reaction to your past.  If you need to fight then figure out what's important to you (which may just be YOU) - and then fan the flame until the spirit is rekindled.  So.. reflect on your past, grieve over your loses, and when you've cried yourself dry pick yourself up and get moving again.

- a little more than 2 cents.. but take it for what it's worth.  It gets better if you let it.  - Sage

Thank you, Spacial and Sage. I was a little overwhelmed yesterday; though today isn't the best day (learned that I'm not 'allowed' to move in with my mother, which is a relief in some ways but also leaves the question of where I'm going to live. Going to try talking to social services about shelter options).

Sage, you mentioned losing the reason or excuses for fighting, and you'd be right. I fought then to be a strong, independent individual; I wanted to be free of constraints from family loyalty when I was nothing but a scapegoat for their problems and illness. As for what I'm fighting for now - or needing to fight for (still working on embracing the spirit once again) - is survival. I have a week to find a place, get a job, and be better off...somehow.

I know I've been having a pity party for myself in my last couple of threads, and it shouldn't be the only thing I contribute to the boards, but thank you for listening. The both of you.

Quote from: Schu on December 05, 2012, 05:03:06 PM
I know I've been having a pity party for myself in my last couple of threads, and it shouldn't be the only thing I contribute to the boards, but thank you for listening. The both of you.

No worries Schu.  We've all had dark times and low times.  It's not how often or how low you fall - it's how you rise above it that defines you.

Best of luck in finding a new place - I've no doubt this will all work out for you.

btw, I meant to say before that if your avatar is a true picture of you - you shouldn't worry so much about your appearance.  You actually look a great deal like my (cis) wife - and I think she's quite attractive.  But I'm pansexual so gender doesn't mean the same to me as to most others.

I'm afraid I can't add any advice, but I do offer a remote hug.

Hope things have worked out a bit by the time you read this.  Don't look on things as terrible mistakes, just  an attempt at doing something that didn't quite work that time.  Hugs.

Thank you for the hugs and encouraging words. Ya'll so very sweet and kind; it helps more than you know.

And Sage, I think I confused you and I'm sorry. I am born female, but I identify as Androgyne. I was worried about transitioning at home because it'll be trial and error in finding a balance/blend of both or neither of a male and female state. I was questioning whether if the physical matched the mental/emotional would it have been easier to be, well, the norm of female standards.

Mine too Schu.

I remember from earlier posts of yours, your birth assigned sex as well as your aspiration.

There is no need to say it to you as I'm pretty sure you realise, but for the record, from what I know of Sage, I'm positive that it was a simple mistake.

The androgen look is doing well by the way. Like others, I do so hope you can find your path out of this current situation.

And like others, the biggest hugggs.

I figured it was just a misunderstanding. I'm not always as clear as I could be, so I assume it was my phrasing that led to the confusion. And thank you, for the compliment, the well wishes, and hugs. It makes all the difference.

Schu, you deserve to live a life free from any and all abuse.  On thing to remember is that it was never your fault.  Never allow anyone to tell you different.  You are strong and can demand to be happy without anyone trying to put you down in anyway.

That's one of kindest things I've ever been told; I needed that. Thank you so much.

My apologies for the mistake Schu.  You do look quite androgynous in your avatar and your post was ambiguous except for the comment about cisgendered females.  I certainly meant no offense.

I hope your outlook is better today and that you've found a place to stay and a clearer direction moving forward.

Quote from: Ms. OBrien on December 06, 2012, 08:11:44 PM
Schu, you deserve to live a life free from any and all abuse.  On thing to remember is that it was never your fault.  Never allow anyone to tell you different.  You are strong and can demand to be happy without anyone trying to put you down in anyway.

^ This, always this. You always deserve respect and happiness, even if some people won't give it to you.

Quote from: SageFox on December 08, 2012, 12:01:35 PM
My apologies for the mistake Schu.  You do look quite androgynous in your avatar and your post was ambiguous except for the comment about cisgendered females.  I certainly meant no offense.

I hope your outlook is better today and that you've found a place to stay and a clearer direction moving forward.

No offense was taken. I understand, and it doesn't bother me to be perceived as one or the other. I am having better days; thank you. Things are moving slowly but it's better than not moving at all. I found a place to live, with a good friend. Now I just need to make it that way.

Anyone travelling from east coast to midwest?

Thank you, DeeperThanSwords. I think it's definitely a lesson I am going to have to learn.

If you don't mind me saying, that new look is fabulous.

Aw, thank you, Spacial. I think it was time for sheer the hair again.