I really want to be a a girl....

[UndercoverTurtle]

Now before you think I posted in the wrong section, I am FTM (at least mostly). But I want to be a girl so badly! I just wish I could be a girl and that none of this would have happened. Even though I'm accepted I'm my community, now Im even more uncomfortable being myself. Thats because I have a lot of girly things I picked up and enjoy, and sometimes I forget to wear my binder. I like messing with my hair and knitting and sewing, I like babies way to much, I LOVE victorian women's clothes and other things I can't remember right now. I know I can be a man even if I sometimes dress like a woman and knit, but other people might not realize that, and my preexisting social anxiety keeps me from doing what I want. I can't even even go to school anymore. Gah! I would't have any of these issues if I was girl!


Sorry, I just kind of ranted there 

[Simon]

You're having transition regret? Are you on hormones? If not I'd say slow down and talk to a therapist about your feelings before going any further.

There is a difference in saying "I still enjoy things that are stereotypically for girls" than saying "I want to be a girl so badly". You said the latter and I'm thinking you shouldn't continue on any course to transition until you fully know what you want.

[Adam (birkin)]

I kind of get it. I'm not really stereotypically feminine, but my life would be so much easier if I was just cis. No hormones, waiting for effects of hormones, doctors, so on and so forth. No dealing with crap from family and society for being trans. But I can't change it.

[Mosaic dude]

Perhaps you are genderqueer or gender fluid? 

It kind of sounds to me like you are questioning your identification as male, because you have characteristics that are "girly", and you feel it would be much easier to just be a girl - correct me if that's the wrong interpretation.  I wouldn't say that means you're not a man, but definitely take Simon's advice and have a good long talk to your therapist about what path is right for you.

It's hard to know what you want if you don't feel able to explore what makes you happy.  I'd say priority number one should be sorting out the anxiety that's keeping you from being yourself.

[UndercoverTurtle]

I'm sure I'm not a girl, I've done a lot of hard thinking over a few years. I want to be a girl because  it would make my life easier. Not because I feel like I should be. I've tried living as a girl again, but all but a few days where just full with crippling dysphoria. I feel more confident and attractive as a boy and hope to get top surgery when I'm older.  I guess I say that I want to be a girl because I feel like i'm losing a bit of my old self, and that if I try to retain some things I use to enjoy from then I will be judged harshly. 

No, I'm not on T, and I have only been out for a year. I don't have regret, just a feeling of loss, and fear of the future.

[wheat thins are delicious]

I like a lot of "typically feminine" things too: knitting, crocheting, sewing, I'm sensitive and not super masculine, but no one has ever made fun of me or judged me harshly for my likes. 

[Simon]

I guess I say that I want to be a girl because I feel like i'm losing a bit of my old self, and that if I try to retain some things I use to enjoy from then I will be judged harshly. 

No, I'm not on T, and I have only been out for a year. I don't have regret, just a feeling of loss, and fear of the future.

If anybody tries to judge you based on whatever hobbies you enjoy then tell them to piss off. Everyone is different. Look at me...I sleep with a Winnie The Pooh stuffed animal. That's right...somebody say something about it to my face, lol. 

We all have fears. I don't think there is anyone trans or not that doesn't have fears about their future.

You're going to be alright. Just relax and give it time.

[Mosaic dude]

I'm sure I'm not a girl, I've done a lot of hard thinking over a few years. I want to be a girl because  it would make my life easier. Not because I feel like I should be. I've tried living as a girl again, but all but a few days where just full with crippling dysphoria. I feel more confident and attractive as a boy and hope to get top surgery when I'm older.  I guess I say that I want to be a girl because I feel like i'm losing a bit of my old self, and that if I try to retain some things I use to enjoy from then I will be judged harshly. 

You're not alone there.  I've often thought it would be easier just to live as a girl.  I'm not a very conventionally manly man and I find it very convenient to have the excuse of being "a girl".  It makes me question whether I'm a proper man and whether I'll be able to successfully be a man.  But really, if someone judges you because you don't conform to gender stereotypes that says more about them than it does about you!  It can be a tough ride and I don't think I can give any good advice, but I can definitely sympathize.

[Sephirah]

Hon, the person who will judge you most harshly for the things you enjoy doing... is you. *hugs* We are all our own worst critics, and often cast ourselves in a negative light to insulate us from being hurt when we think others will do the same.

A vast majority of folks have too many of their own hangups and are busy trying to work out what they should be doing to pay too close attention to the fact that "that guy over there likes <insert hobby here>"

Just be you. Do what you do. Let the rest of the world take care of itself.

[insideontheoutside]

I'm sure I'm not a girl, I've done a lot of hard thinking over a few years. I want to be a girl because  it would make my life easier. Not because I feel like I should be. I've tried living as a girl again, but all but a few days where just full with crippling dysphoria. I feel more confident and attractive as a boy and hope to get top surgery when I'm older.  I guess I say that I want to be a girl because I feel like i'm losing a bit of my old self, and that if I try to retain some things I use to enjoy from then I will be judged harshly. 

No, I'm not on T, and I have only been out for a year. I don't have regret, just a feeling of loss, and fear of the future.

You know, take it from someone who did the "just be a girl cause it's easier" thing ... It's harder to do that than transition imo. And I've seen a lot of guys on here who did that for a long time, until they couldn't bear it any more. For me, I can't really have regrets because transition was not an option when I was a teenager or even in my 20s. I can't even say that if it was, I would have for sure taken it. It's a life altering decision to say the least. You have to personally weigh the positives and the negatives for both transitioning and not transitioning.

And I have to say, even though I'm "female" to most of society, I never say "it's just easier being a girl". It's hellish sometimes having everyone treat you as female when you're not. To this day I still say I'm trapped in this body. But I am being myself, regardless.

You never really stop being yourself unless you're trying too hard to be something you're not.

But I want to be a girl so badly! I just wish I could be a girl and that none of this would have happened.

That's just like wishing that you could just be a boy and none of this ever happened, but the fact that you said girl instead I think has led some people to think you're not ready yet to decide how you want your life to go. I must admit you do sound young. It's not a race to the finish line and it's perfectly okay to take all the time you need. Also, people's minds change all the time. A thousand and one factors can influence why you change your mind. And you never know where life is going to take you or what it's going to throw at you.

[aleon515]

I date a transwoman. She likes action flicks. I like dramas and more serious stuff. I think "be yourself".

--Jay J

[UndercoverTurtle]

Thanks guys, I've been forgetting my anxiety medicine lately, so its been really bad lately. You guys made me feel better though

[Zerro]

I share some of the same feelings. I wish I could just be "normal", you know? It's difficult no matter how you look at it. I've always found it stupid how certain hobbies are considered for women or for men, 'cause your interests don't determine your gender, and if you happen to be a trans man who enjoys "feminine" activities, you get sh*t for it or told you're not who you know you are.

"I like to sew/dance/crossdress/whatever!"
"You must be gender queer or a girl, then! That's too girly for a real man to like/men don't do that"

It's frustrating, so I feel you on that. Sometimes I wish I was a cis girl or dude because being trans makes things complicated and difficult. :/

[Simon]

"I like to sew/dance/crossdress/whatever!"
"You must be gender queer or a girl, then! That's too girly for a real man to like/men don't do that"

It's frustrating, so I feel you on that. Sometimes I wish I was a cis girl or dude because being trans makes things complicated and difficult. :/

Why do you guys let other people put limitations on who you are? It makes no sense. Why? Because if you are transgender you don't assign to what society deems is correct for you. As someone who is a transsexual we effing spit in the face of what other people believe is "normal".

Well guess what folks...there is no such thing as normal.

Who gives a ->-bleeped-<- what they think about us. They already think we are odd, mentally disturbed, and deranged. We're never going to be what the cis gender world wants us to be. Why? Because we don't conform to their rules.

Your hobbies and interests aren't who you are. They don't change your gender identity.

Life is too damn short guys. Just be you.

...as the old saying goes "those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind".

conform to no one but you.

[Simon]

Self-acceptance is good but also you gotta remember that transgender is not an identity and not everyone is gonna agree. Personally I want to be normal, like transitioning is not an ideology to me it is a condition I got forced into.

It is up to everyone to handle their problems how they feel is best but personally the whole point of transition to me is to become a normal person, just in the right role. There is nothing wrong with that

I don't like being a ->-bleeped-<-. I don't wear it like a badge on my sleeve. I also see it as a condition I was born with. I didn't ask for it and neither did you.

I'm sorry but you're never going to be "normal". There is no such thing. I have never in my life met a so called normal person. Regardless of who you are or what you do you're going to have quirks. It is what makes everyone unique. We're all one of a kind.

What I don't understand is why most of us are often timid (myself included). Seeking out the approval of others is a common trait for transsexuals. "Am I good enough" or "Am I wrong for being this way".

Noooo, we're all wonderfully unique and we should relish our differences instead of abhorring them.

What is being described is character traits. Hobbies, interests, and activities. They're not who someone is. It's hard seeing people just despise who they are and thinking they're freaks for being themselves.

...enjoy your life and don't change who you are for anyone.

[Simon]

Well I don't mean like normal as in a Stepford Wives kind of non-existent stereotype. I just mean normal in the sense that, I'm not gonna pretend it's not me and 8 other women when I go to the fabric store or that my bf isn't talking to almost all guys over the mic when he plays shooter games.

I just mean like, I want to be a feminine girl, like most girls are to some degree. Not all girls just... most girls. I spent too long unable to be myself and feeling out of place and mismatched around men to not want that, that's all

Again self-acceptance is great but I don't want it to be me vs. the cis world. I don't wanna be in some separate tide. I mean I would not stand up for discrimination or anything, but then, it's also possible to discriminate against cis people.

But I am totally not saying people shouldn't be able to do what they want or should need approval... they totally should & shouldn't. I like it when men sew or knit or act fabulous and fashionable, it's fun, especially because it's unique.

You just said everything I've said for the most part but in a different tone.

You want to blend in with the cis world. I understand that. What I am saying is trans people shouldn't feel like they need to bend to stereotypical gender traits to feel like they are normal.

Cis gendered people have unique character traits. I think as a transwoman you might have a little more wiggle room than us guys do. A woman expressing masculinity is far more accepted than a man who "likes pretty things". That doesn't make him any less of a man and shouldn't make a transman think less of himself.

That is all I am saying. To celebrate your differences and know that regardless of what you like, you should be true to yourself and not be ashamed to be you.

[DriftingCrow]

Sailors invented knitting and crochet, so you can't get more manly than that. 

(I knit and crochet too, and I've found that there's more and more cismen learning how to knit. There was a knitting group at a college near where I used to live, and about 90% of all the members were cismen.)

[AdamMLP]

I live as female at the moment, but I can't imagine being a girl. I should probably explain because that doesn't make much sense; I'm female on all my paperwork and introduce myself by my birthname, and aren't out, but I act, and dress as me, a male. I get read as male by those who don't know me, and I can live like this to some degree of comfort. The thought of trying to present as female and fit in would be impossible though. I just don't think I could ever do it.

As for your hobbies, you're gonna get ribbed whatever you do. whether it's xbox or ps3 you play, whether you prefer COD to halo, or if you play sport or would rather take computers apart. People find anything to tease others about, it's just a fact of life. And in all honesty, how many people will know you knit? No one knows that I read, or take photographs, or spend my nights making things I need, punchbag, harnesses, packers ect.

My mantra is: I'd much rather be hated by others than hated by myself.

[Natkat]

I know the felling, I somethimes think it would be so good if I just could be a girl,
I would have less problems overal im sure, But im unsure what it would be like, im very girly but being pointed out as a girl or female always made me sad and unhappy.