Dysphoria and the way forward

[myraey]

I want to understand my thinking and dysphoria better. I like thinking and I tend to overthink things sometimes. I also admit this has been influenced from my limited exposure to therapists and their methods. All therapists I have had were very supportive. I wonder what dysphoria is. It triggers for me when I see things which I can not be a part of. I am jealous of some beautiful women. When I see them I think I wish that could be me. I have never been on a beach in a bikini for example. But I try to think about that and try to understand if the feeling is as it is or if I am interpreting something wrong as well. Also those are short glimpses of an entire life. There is more to it . To transition would mean I would get the whole package. I could do the bikini and beach without fully transitioning . At least in my imagination. Watching tv would also do it for me. Crossdressing is not my cup of tea. I think I would do it much more if I looked and felt more natural as well.

Sexually I think I want to have sex like a woman. That may include plenty of things and something different for everyone. But it is yet one thing I wish I could try to really know if I like it .  I previously identified as straight male. Now I am more pan bi questioning. I am more ok with myself as straight male as well now. I am not sure if that is really what I really would have chosen if I would have gotten the choice at some point. Although I feel like I would be unfair to my partner if I went into a hetero relationship. Sex is not that important for me. A bigger worry is maybe I just say duh about the whole transgender thing at some point and make do with what I have got. I fear I would end up regretting transition. Socially I think the fear of ridicule or social exclusion and employment problems are the biggest hurdles for transition. I am very lucky people are at least tolerating. But still downright hostile reactions are possible as well. And I don't mean the ones where people get physically attacked. But you never know how it is . A feeling of authenticity and legitimacy would be very empowering. Even if I would not pass. Socially this would be the most important for me.

There are some things which point into the direction of transitioning. But so much is against as well. I have ruminated plenty about gender issues but I have never tried to fully solve them. Transitioning might not be a fix or the only solution to my problems. Then I just loop and wonder if I am confused and misinterpreting something. Back to square one. My thoughts are much more collected than before so I am making some progress.

[Erika J Spangler]

I want to understand my thinking and dysphoria better. I like thinking and I tend to overthink things sometimes. I also admit this has been influenced from my limited exposure to therapists and their methods. All therapists I have had were very supportive. I wonder what dysphoria is. It triggers for me when I see things which I can not be a part of. I am jealous of some beautiful women. When I see them I think I wish that could be me. I have never been on a beach in a bikini for example. But I try to think about that and try to understand if the feeling is as it is or if I am interpreting something wrong as well. Also those are short glimpses of an entire life. There is more to it . To transition would mean I would get the whole package. I could do the bikini and beach without fully transitioning . At least in my imagination. Watching tv would also do it for me. Crossdressing is not my cup of tea. I think I would do it much more if I looked and felt more natural as well.

Sexually I think I want to have sex like a woman. That may include plenty of things and something different for everyone. But it is yet one thing I wish I could try to really know if I like it .  I previously identified as straight male. Now I am more pan bi questioning. I am more ok with myself as straight male as well now. I am not sure if that is really what I really would have chosen if I would have gotten the choice at some point. Although I feel like I would be unfair to my partner if I went into a hetero relationship. Sex is not that important for me. A bigger worry is maybe I just say duh about the whole transgender thing at some point and make do with what I have got. I fear I would end up regretting transition. Socially I think the fear of ridicule or social exclusion and employment problems are the biggest hurdles for transition. I am very lucky people are at least tolerating. But still downright hostile reactions are possible as well. And I don't mean the ones where people get physically attacked. But you never know how it is . A feeling of authenticity and legitimacy would be very empowering. Even if I would not pass. Socially this would be the most important for me.

There are some things which point into the direction of transitioning. But so much is against as well. I have ruminated plenty about gender issues but I have never tried to fully solve them. Transitioning might not be a fix or the only solution to my problems. Then I just loop and wonder if I am confused and misinterpreting something. Back to square one. My thoughts are much more collected than before so I am making some progress.

Transition is by far the hardest choice you would ever make. I have been on hormones for 7 yrs and have lived full time for the last 6 1/2 yrs. I lost my career, my family (other than my mom), my friends and finally my church. ALL GONE. I can say this though I live my life everyday to the fullest, and am happy to know that I am my true female self, that's something NO ONE can take away from me.

[R W]

This sounds like a very good conversation to have with a gender therapist.

[Ashley3]

I want to understand my thinking and dysphoria better. I like thinking and I tend to overthink things sometimes. I also admit this has been influenced from my limited exposure to therapists and their methods. All therapists I have had were very supportive. I wonder what dysphoria is. It triggers for me when I see things which I can not be a part of. I am jealous of some beautiful women. When I see them I think I wish that could be me. I have never been on a beach in a bikini for example. But I try to think about that and try to understand if the feeling is as it is or if I am interpreting something wrong as well. Also those are short glimpses of an entire life. There is more to it . To transition would mean I would get the whole package. I could do the bikini and beach without fully transitioning . At least in my imagination. Watching tv would also do it for me. Crossdressing is not my cup of tea. I think I would do it much more if I looked and felt more natural as well.

Sexually I think I want to have sex like a woman. That may include plenty of things and something different for everyone. But it is yet one thing I wish I could try to really know if I like it .  I previously identified as straight male. Now I am more pan bi questioning. I am more ok with myself as straight male as well now. I am not sure if that is really what I really would have chosen if I would have gotten the choice at some point. Although I feel like I would be unfair to my partner if I went into a hetero relationship. Sex is not that important for me. A bigger worry is maybe I just say duh about the whole transgender thing at some point and make do with what I have got. I fear I would end up regretting transition. Socially I think the fear of ridicule or social exclusion and employment problems are the biggest hurdles for transition. I am very lucky people are at least tolerating. But still downright hostile reactions are possible as well. And I don't mean the ones where people get physically attacked. But you never know how it is . A feeling of authenticity and legitimacy would be very empowering. Even if I would not pass. Socially this would be the most important for me.

There are some things which point into the direction of transitioning. But so much is against as well. I have ruminated plenty about gender issues but I have never tried to fully solve them. Transitioning might not be a fix or the only solution to my problems. Then I just loop and wonder if I am confused and misinterpreting something. Back to square one. My thoughts are much more collected than before so I am making some progress.

I agree with R W... you should discuss this with a gender therapist.

Thinking of (projecting) my own experience as I observe what you say... It seems to me you are overthinking things. It also looks like you are making hard logical assumptions about some things, including transition-related stereotypes which aren't as rigid as you express.

I personally go nowhere with excessive logical thinking about gender identity. Partly because it's not a logical question/answer and partly because the same mind that assisted unhealthy repression using logical mental capabilities was doing the thinking on gender identity... and it of course had developed patterns of thinking over the years that nicely masked my conscious consideration of how I felt about myself, what I wanted to be/do any given day.

I therefore surmised that, since my logical mind has played a role in repression of natural expression, my logical mind, while powerful and good, therefore has training that works against my goals of finding my natural expression.

I broke through that endless loop of logical thinking when I took a deep breath, exhaled, and simply asked myself what I wanted to do any given day. If I wanted to wear makeup or wear a dress, then I'd do so. If not, then I'd not. If I wanted to want wear male clothing and have a sense of female identity in that attire, then I'd let myself wear such clothing and have whatever sense of myself I'd have. I guess for myself I found that identity was to be found by really being honest about what I wanted to explore and try... because those things seemed tied to something I wanted within my life.

But that was my experience... a gender therapist can help you navigate things but you also have the tools... a gender therapist, I've found, is most helpful in fostering an environment which helps make "okay things okay" ... which helps curb unhealthy repression. As well, a good gender therapist also has knowledge of other patient experience ... a gender therapist of decades will have lots of such experience... so they can often respond when you feel silly about some aspect of your own thinking... "that's totally normal" and then offer some advice or encouragement. They definitely have other tools but I feel the big win with therapy is helping to get people over their own painful unhealthy blocks to simply find a happier outlook on life... and that endeavor is often one of, one way or another, saying "... it's okay... you can try that... you can be that..." etc.

[Edit] And to be clear... that's my own experience based on the source of my over-thinking... for others who do not over think and have other issues... maybe my experience doesn't apply... it's not that therapy isn't more broadly applicable but it's just that my main thing is I needed to get pointless thinking out of my way of enjoying life and being who I wanted to be.

[myraey]

I have seen a gender therapist a few times. A few therapists for other things. They all have been helpful . Even talking with someone is helpful by it self. None of that was really long term though. Perhaps more therapy sessions would have been better. I consider going back to therapy at some point again.

Interesting. I have heard from others I overthink things. I admit I do that. But too much it can be harmful if you stop doing things. Or use it as a coping mechanism. I admit this has been my problem not tackling the issues that are most important . And you can totally blind yourself and not see the forest for the trees. Outside opinions are helpful there. Also I agree my mind is biased. I can not believe how blind I was before. Or perhaps I was in denial. I know admit I have some bi pan tendencies . For me that was always less important than any gender issues . But oddly that was a much bigger mental hurdle than it should have been. Just going with the flow is what others have recommended for me.

It is scary when people say they have lost their career , family and friends . I feel for these people. Yet surprisingly many say it is worth it. I find that unlikely that I would lose all these things. I am quite lucky , I think my environment is very accepting and I live in a urban environment. But I know it would be very difficult and not always smooth sailing. And you never know before you try

[Ashley3]

... Even talking with someone is helpful by it self. ...

Most definitely.

... But too much it can be harmful if you stop doing things. Or use it as a coping mechanism. ... And you can totally blind yourself and not see the forest for the trees.

Agreed, agreed... agreed. I'll just add... the human mind the languages and boxes and buildings and civilizations it creates are profound. I cherish who we are and our minds. It's just one of those things, for me at least, where my mind as a wonderful tool is imperfect in some areas where it has constructions of what society is ... often based on limiting examples ... and it will often loop with boxy thinking when right in front of me is the fact that I simply want to put on a dress and be in a feminine role I've been told is logically not allowed.

So I guess our minds are always in the game... when I say logical endless thinking, it's just that part of the mind that seems to think about how to get out of the box while also defining a box that cannot be exited... it's that thing I want to break out of in a healthy way and I've personally found taking action based on what i want to "do" is a great tactile way of just getting on with life. When I do that, I see my perceptions of myself, my identity, become more clear.

...
It is scary when people say they have lost their career , family and friends . I feel for these people. Yet surprisingly many say it is worth it. I find that unlikely that I would lose all these things. I am quite lucky , I think my environment is very accepting and I live in a urban environment. But I know it would be very difficult and not always smooth sailing. And you never know before you try

It can be also be scary considering the worst case scenario of walking down the street to the park but generally we are able to realize walking down the street to the park doesn't likely involve those rare situations. This is all to say I agree it can be scary to consider the most involved and difficult transition situations but there are so many degrees of experimentation before full transition w/SRS that I feel folks are often over-thinking, considering the most difficult decisions—often incorrectly assuming any inch of consideration of being transgender means inevitable SRS and loss of family/friends—before starting off by first being okay with their own observed variance for what it is... and just wearing a dress and letting that be.

A decade or more ago I bought a bunch of stuff online... heels... dresses... the works... when I got dressed up I felt as though that's how I wanted to be... it felt right... I was at home... I didn't have enough sense to see that's the way I was... I was seeing what I liked and then comparing it as though it was something I wish I could be... it was my feminine side coming out and I had only myself and my over-thinking... no community support as I didn't seek it out.

The problem there is, in one moment when I was wearing all that and looking in the mirror I had this feeling of "what would my friends think if they saw me now?" "What about my good job?" etc. etc. and then I started thinking of typical anti-trans Hollywood images so often seen in popular media of the time... "I'm not that!" I'd think... so without support, lots of repression, and over-thinking... I was able to successfully look at all that as something that had to remain bottled up without compromise.

The mind is powerful and I was able to do that, bottle it up... it all eventually went into boxes in storage... came out about 5 years later... used a little... then trashed... nearly 10 years later a re-emergence... lots of wasted time and general unhappiness between... stacks and stacks of repression and over-thinking fortresses... blah no thanks. In relative isolation with all this, I also lacked courage.

So I would have been better served by not over-thinking it and seeking out a supportive community. The latter probably would have helped the former... not sure if the other way around would have worked. Thank goodness for online possibilities as it's an easy way of finding community even before one wants to come out in person, if not come out at all.

... I know admit I have some bi pan tendencies . For me that was always less important than any gender issues . But oddly that was a much bigger mental hurdle than it should have been. Just going with the flow is what others have recommended for me. ...

That's great that you were able to arrive at that... it's not easy for so many... per what you're saying there about a hurdle. I wouldn't underestimate the feat you performed there considering how bad repression can be. Congrats!