I think my secret at work may finally be over

[Ms Bev]

My last day at work, Saturday, a friend's husband, who is an ex-employee of our company stopped by with his entire family, and little girl.  We all ooo'ed and ahhhh'ed over the toddler before they all went out for lunch.
Another female friend of mine (my best friend, who knows) said the other friend's husband asked her: "what the hell is going on with (my male name)!  Woman's hair, eyeliner, woman's earrings.....what the #%@* is going on with him?  He looks like a damn woman!

It would be simple enough to ignore, but he is still totally connected with ALL the younger crowd at my company....they all party each weekend.
I think my 'hiding party' is over, though I've hated it anyway.

The thing I really ws most concerned about, however, was the 'damned' woman statement.  That is what really burned me.  Plus the question in my mind, is that how he sees his lovely wife, who is my good friend, and his little baby girl?.....'Damned' women?

I guess I'll see how the land lies when I go back in a couple days.  Maybe my days of (male name) are over.  Well, if so, then I need to tell the rest of my family myself, not something I 'm looking forward to.

Bev

[togetherwecan]

I am a firm believer in controlling difficult situations and believe if the news comes from you it is way better then for it to come from someone else. The facts are never straight and the person hearing the news has a better chance of understanding if you trust in them vs let someone else do it for ya.

[Steph]

I have to agree with TWC.  You need to take charge of the situation before it takes charge of you.  It is always better that you be the one to reveal issues to management concerning you, rather than from someone else.  Take the lead, but as you probably know "coming out" can be disaterous no matter how well you handle it.  When it comes to the work place it's how well they handle it that can be the difference between you staying or leaving.

There is lots of information in our Wiki that covers this situation but unless you've done a lot of pre-planning, it seems that you don't have a whoe lot of time to put things in place.

Steph

[Hazumu]

Bev;

Be glad this bigot outed himself to you -- you now know where that land-mine is and can take steps to avoid it.

I just recently figured out the brouhaha at work that happened when my name change became official  was instigated in large part by one female workgroup member who complained bitterly to the boss about my 'excited, flamboyant' behaviour and my 'impatience' when my name-change was being input into the system.  I was worried, because as [old name] ceased to exist and be replaced by Karen, I saw my access to the system start to degrade as I was trying to finish up a hurry-up request for the boss.

When I went to apologise to the workgroup member, she 'accepted' my apology, and then complained again to the boss that my apology was not an apology.  My direct supervisor shares some blame for keeping her enmity towards me from me, as if that would make it go away.

Be proactive, Bev.  You may have a few explosions, but you'll be blindsided less often.

Karen

[Ms Bev]

My last day at work, Saturday, a friend's husband, who is an ex-employee of our company stopped by with his entire family, and little girl.  We all ooo'ed and ahhhh'ed over the toddler before they all went out for lunch.
Another female friend of mine (my best friend, who knows) said the other friend's husband asked her: "what the hell is going on with (my male name)!  Woman's hair, eyeliner, woman's earrings.....what the #%@* is going on with him?  He looks like a damn woman!

It would be simple enough to ignore, but he is still totally connected with ALL the younger crowd at my company....they all party each weekend.
I think my 'hiding party' is over, though I've hated it anyway.

The thing I really ws most concerned about, however, was the 'damned' woman statement.  That is what really burned me.  Plus the question in my mind, is that how he sees his lovely wife, who is my good friend, and his little baby girl?.....'Damned' women?

I guess I'll see how the land lies when I go back in a couple days.  Maybe my days of (male name) are over.  Well, if so, then I need to tell the rest of my family myself, not something I 'm looking forward to.

Bev

Well, I've been back to work for 3 days, and my best friend says no one has said a word.  She says it's eeire, it's so quiet, and she's afraid for me.  I've told her not to worry, that if anyone asks, I'll tell them, then go to management for a new name badge, and tell everyone to get over it if need be.  My friend is afraid I'll be badly mistreated, but I've assured her I'm made of tuff stuff, and not to worry.  She said maybe I don't know how cruel people can be.  I assured her I knew, but if asked was not willing to live a lie any longer.  Marcy agrees with me, and knows at that point, I need to fill my role completely, and also come out to the rest of the family before they find out somewhere else.
We'll see how this plays out, and that could be tomorow, next week, next month.....I don't know.  I've been trying, and trying to get my first appointment with my GID therapist, but have been put on the wait list.....grrrrr!  I need someone NOW!

On the bright side, I work for a large company that is very diversity conscious, and I'll be their diversity poster child!  Woman, transsexual, lesbian......a three in one package!

Wish me luck, girls.

Bev

[DebbieJo]

Hi Bev

Hang in there and just see how it goes day by day. Which I know is easier to say than do ;-)

For what it's worth, I think what your doing is the right thing and keeps you in control instead of letting fear and worry take over.

It may even be the push you need to tell everyone anyway, if nothing happens that is. I guess you have already made that mental step to telling eveyone so why not build on it instead of letting things sink back to how they were.

Lots of love
Debbie.

[Ms Bev]

We'll see how this plays out, and that could be tomorow, next week, next month.....I don't know.  I've been trying, and trying to get my first appointment with my GID therapist, but have been put on the wait list.....grrrrr!  I need someone NOW!

On the bright side, I work for a large company that is very diversity conscious, and I'll be their diversity poster child!  Woman, transsexual, lesbian......a three in one package!

Wish me luck, girls.

Bev

Still.....no outright questions.  I know it's coming.  Everyone is friendly, as usual, but certain conversations come to a very abrupt halt when I come near, and I've caught the tail end of one or two.

Today, I Finally ordered my new women's glasses, bought a new handbag, and a new black blazer, dress sandals......woo hoo!  All but the sandals I'll wear to work, very soon, I suspect.  As soon as the first person I work with has the nerve to ask the question, the answer will be 'yes, I am'.  At that point, it's off to HR for a chat, and a new name tag, then back to selling.

Bev

[Laura Eva B]

Bev,

You seem to have a good job .... gender therapists are not too pricey to get straight away if you need them ....

If you feel corporate HR will be behind you .... then what's the big deal, be open to your colleagues, switch gener identity at work, do it on your own terms rather than let gossip undermine you ....

If you really know who you are then what holds you back ?

Laura

[Ms Bev]

Bev,

You seem to have a good job .... gender therapists are not too pricey to get straight away if you need them ....

If you feel corporate HR will be behind you .... then what's the big deal, be open to your colleagues, switch gener identity at work, do it on your own terms rather than let gossip undermine you ....


Laura

Laura.......

A good job?  Well, it once was, but the last year was tough.  The competition gave us a run for our money....my money.  Commission-only sales is not for those who must have security, but then,
I'm a risk taker.  Hoping things will get better.

I have my first therapist appointment the end of this month (yay!). It took forever to get scheduled.  I think it's time...past time for some therapy, coming through the 'back door' as it were......got my gender specialist doctor after transitioning on my own for over 2 years.  I did a splendid job, as she didn't change a thing in my routine (Again, as elswhere I repeat....I Do Not recommend to anyone to do this very dangerous thing!).

My colleagues.....heheh......
I work in a schoolyard of grey-haired children.  Not all are of course, as I've said, I do have some close friends there, mostly female.  My hope is that my friends will remain so.  One will....she's my best friend outside of my marriage, and she already knows who I really am, and is perfectly alright with it.  In fact, she told me she suspected it for a very long time.

Anyway, outside of my close personal friends, I expect to get slammed, harder than ever before.  The good news:  I don't expect to get too slammed to rebound.....they've seen me at my best (or worst) and in the heat of battle keep their distance .  Also, I have total confidence in who I am, and how right it is.

If you really know who you are then what holds you back ?
Laura

Now you ask the thousand dollar question.
'What holds you back??"
What holds me back?  Probably, having not prepared some very special people in advance.  I have not come out to my daughter, who is the mother of my 3 grandsons.  I have not come out to my son.  I have not come out to my son-in-law.  All of these very special, close family either live with me, or see me often.  I have been afraid of upsetting them with this news, although with the changes in my looks, you would think surely they must know.  But I have found that people who see me very often, especially every day, are willing to suspend their disbelief simply because they have a way of absorbing the visual impact of my very gradual change.  On the other hand, people I know very well, who have not seen me in more than a year, fail to recognize me.  Twice today this happened.

So, until I get this situation satisfcatorily under control, I don't feel totally ready to committ.  The very worst thing would be for my own children to receive this news from someone other than me.  And so far, I haven't had the nerve.


Conflicted,

Bev

[Ms Bev]

Well, I'm no longer conflicted kiddies.  I came out to my daughter tonight.  It was as perfect as any coming out could ever be.  She said she suspected, but waited for me to tell her in my own time.  She was, however, shocked at the difference in how I look now, and how I look in a photograph before I started.  She was somehow not aware that I had yet started!
You never know. 
She rubbed my smooth face, gave me a hug, kissed me goodnight, and told me she loved me.

I falls on her, now, to tell her husband.  but she told us already that he suspected as well, and said "honey, he's still Dad...and it's good if that what he wants". 
Keep in mind, their youngest son is also gid........

Now I have to wait to see my son, and tell him.

After that....come out at work.


Exhausted but happy,  Bev

[rhondabythebay]

Well, I'm no longer conflicted kiddies.  I came out to my daughter tonight.  It was as perfect as any coming out could ever be.  She said she suspected, but waited for me to tell her in my own time. 
Now I have to wait to see my son, and tell him.

After that....come out at work.


Exhausted but happy,  Bev

Bev,

Congrats on your success in revealing the true you to your daughter. Isn't it wonderful to have supportive people around you, especially those closest to you. That's great news. I hope coming out to your son and to work are just as successful.

Hugs,

Rhonda

[Lucy]

wow Bev, you are doing a really great job girl, just keep it up and the whole world will know in no time. I just hope that you have the same reaction at work and they are as exceping as your kids. Who I must say are loving and caring, you did a good job with them.

Be proud, be happy and above all be BEV

Love Lucy

[Renae.Lupini]

Bev, I can with almost 100% certainty say that nobody knows at work and if they do, they don't care. Let me flashback to March of 2006. I was at the end of my Marine Corps contract. I had served 8 yrs and 9 months on active duty. While I was on terminal leave I was filling for a co-worker at the pentagon working for a three-star admiral and a two-star general. I was with a civilian company during this time. My contract ended on March 18 which was a Saturday. I was outed as a TS to my chain of command the following Monday. No big deal since my contract was over. However, the company I work for has me working on the base with a lot of the people who I was stationed with. I was scared to death that i was going to be outed to my employer and lose my job all of the time. It was an ongoing fear that i had every single day I went to work.

When I was outed I didn't find out for a couple of weeks later. Once i found out it happened I made the choice to tell people myself in order to keep the evil ->-bleeped-<- rumors to a minimum. It would turn out that all the people who I thought knew, didn't have a clue. They were also glad they heard the news from me as well. Even people I knew that had been told I still made it a point to confirm the news and answer any questions for them.

I now work with all those same people quite often and I even shot the photos for my SSgt's retirement ceremony. the moral of this little tale is that you shouldn't let your assumptions control your anxiety and take control of the situation before it spirals out of control. Looking back on it, my proactive measures probably stopped a good bit of any discrimination or BS that would have ensued.

Be polite, be confident, and most of all just be you and you will be just fine.



p.s. I later went back to the pentagon to fill in again right before i went FT. I had a conversation with the two-star general about using things i learned in the Marine Corps to get me through my transition. Now that was a conversation I didn't think I was ever going to have.

[LostInTime]

I had a conversation with the two-star general about using things i learned in the Marine Corps to get me through my transition. Now that was a conversation I didn't think I was ever going to have.

Now that sounds like a book or at least a 90 minute movie waiting to happen.

[Renae.Lupini]

As far as family is concerned I'm sure every one's situation is different but having just spent a week with my father who I only see rather infrequently I can't tell you how many times I had to fiercely resist the temptation to have a discussion about what is going on with me but at this point in time I don't really feel the need or see the point despite the fact that step-mother has always asserted I was "gay".

All good things have their right moment and all will come in time and like I said already I'm sure work knows already (in their own way) and is simply waiting for YOU!

Cheers 

i often thought the same way about my grandmother but now she tells everyone about her "granddaughter" and she is the one person who cares less about the entire thing. If people can't handle the truth it is their problem. not yours.

[Ms Bev]

. . . . . Now I have to wait to see my son, and tell him.
After that....come out at work.

Exhausted but happy,  Bev

I came out to my son tonight.  I found it a difficult thing to do, to tell my 23 yr old that his dad is, and has been, secretly, a gay transwoman.
It was not a happy conversation, but he listened to me (and Marcy) very carefully as we explained my new reality to him.  There were no leaps of joy, nor were there any tears, just. . . surprise.  Surprise, and acceptance.  We had a pleasant evening, and when he left he hugged us goodnite as usual.  And like any balanced evening, everything was not about me.  I like that, not having the bulk of any conversation revolve around my being TS, how it affects the world, how the world affects me in relation to my TS, etc.


Bev