just want to be the best girlfriend I can be!

[EllieBud]

Hi guys, so I guess this more of just me rambling than anything. I've been with my pre-op FtM boyfriend for over a year now. I only discovered he was trans within the past 5/6 months or so, and my love hasn't changed one bit. However as more time goes by and he sees that he hasn't moved forward in his transition (he's pre everything so he hasn't even started T yet), things get more difficult. He becomes very impatient and he dysphoria seems to get worse. We are both two very strong willed and stubborn individuals and we have our share of heated moments without even talking about his transition. This seems to just be adding a lot to our relationship.

I just want to make it clear that I support my boyfriend 10000000000% and I don't plan on leaving. I do hope we get engaged soon (fingers crossed lol), but in short, I've always supported his decisions and I know things will all fall into place.

However, as the time approaches for him to tell his family and for eventually me to tell mine, it gets a little harder. I truthfully do accept him, so why does him transitioning scare the hell out of me? He wants to shave his head, which I'm okay with, it just scares me because he wants to do it by the end of the week. I know how happy it'll make him..how much closer he'll feel..but what if I freak and can't handle it?? I know I CAN handle it, I guess my fear of the unknown is taking over my mind and I hate it because I never want him to think I don't support him when I do.

I just need some encouraging words on how to make it go more smoothly not just for me but for him too. I'm trying not to let my thoughts make me crazy, but the thought of waking up and seeing him with no hair kind of makes it so much more real. And I suppose it just hasn't hit me yet..because even though we know he's a man and we speak about it, he hasn't gone through any changes yet.

I hope I didn't go on too much...anything would be helpful advice. None of my friends or family knows he's trans, and that's mainly due to him not wanting me to tell them yet, and because I haven't found the right way to either. So this is the only place I can really get advice.. Thank you!

<3

[EllieBud]

p.s. my apologies on the grammar/spelling errors lol! It's late where I am and I've had a long day!

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Let him do the coming out on his own terms.  As far as the shaved head is concerned, just let him.  It is only hair after all.  It will grow back.

Oh and BTW as one who used to shave her head, tell him to get a "Head Blade".  It makes it so much easier and safer.  He will need to get a buzz cut first, The shorter the better for shaving.  And you might just like it.

[EllieBud]

Let him do the coming out on his own terms.  As far as the shaved head is concerned, just let him.  It is only hair after all.  It will grow back.

Oh and BTW as one who used to shave her head, tell him to get a "Head Blade".  It makes it so much easier and safer.  He will need to get a buzz cut first, The shorter the better for shaving.  And you might just like it.

You're absolutely right, it is just hair. I know I have to let him do his own thing, guess the fear just gets to me sometimes. I know he'll be handsome no matter what, always has been in my eyes!
& I'll definitely let him know! Thanks!

[Kupcake]

Sometimes it's hard to be patient.  I don't really know where your boyfriend is, so I can't really speak directly to what he's feeling.  But I think a lot of people just benefit from the feeling of "moving forward" and are afraid of stagnating in the status quo.  This is especially true for trans individuals, since a part of their "status quo" is deeply troubling to them.

If you're thinking that's not necessarily a good thing, you're right.  Sometimes people like that can move forward without fully considering things.  But sometimes it's fine.  And sometimes, even if things go a little wrong, it's not the end of the world.  As has been mentioned, it will be a bit of a sudden change to see his head shaved.  But it'll grow back.  He'll find some hair length he's comfortable with.  And I think once you see him comfortable, you'll feel better about it too.

Regarding your feelings, your fear is entirely justified.  Don't feel bad about it.  It has nothing to do with supporting him or not supporting him.  What you're going through is hard.

For the trans individual, although they recognize it as a dramatic change, they think of transition in their mind as just moving closer to who they really are.  They see it less as becoming someone different and more as becoming _themselves_.  But in terms of their outward presentation to the world, in terms of what you see, they are becoming someone different.

This is a very complicated journey of change and discovery.  Depending on how far down this road they decide to go, your partner may be changing a lot, probably more in the next few years than most people do throughout their entire adult lives.  Everyone is afraid and uncertain about this process, trans people themselves included.

And everyone goes through a sense of loss.  Even many trans individuals go through a stage of grief where they struggle to deal with all the parts of themselves they've left behind.  The people who love them do too.

It's really OK to feel fear or loss or uncertainty, or any number of other things.  Your partner will probably feel all of those things too.  Just don't let those feelings rule you, and don't doubt yourself because of them.  Yeah, a lot will change, and sometimes there will be tough feelings to deal with.  But if you love them, and want to be with them, and you're happy with them, that's all you really need.  With love, and concern, and compassion, and it sounds like you have all of these for your partner, the details can be worked through.

[spacial]

One of the more common poroblems many of us have is dyslexia, so pleased don't apologise to us for poor spelling. 

Your boyfriend basically needs your support and you know and others have said.

When he gets the doubts, and he will, try to be calm.

When he gets hostility from a few and he will, stand between them and him.

It really just a relationship like any other. You need to give give give, he gives back, evetually, the more secure he becomes. Men are like that as you know.

But never give up.

[spring0721]

Ellie,

I agree with Kupcake completely, he's just moving forward becoming who is on the inside and now transforming his outer self to match that.  It has to be incredibly frustrating to not outwardly look the way you feel inside.  I think you are being an amazing support system to him right now!  Living with someone who is finally ackowldging who they are and are starting their transition can be hard for the support system (you) as well.  I know that my best friend and I sometimes it just seemed like all we did would argue.  After she began living as a woman full time and then began hrt it got a little better, emotions were still a little all over the place sometimes but no where near what it had been.  Later, she told me it was because she was just so unhappy with herself and frustrated.  I think as your boyfriend starts this journey, just try to take one little step at a time...and adapt to each step as it comes.  Like right now he's shaving his head, you are right you CAN handle it because it's just hair and you love him. It sounds like you are an incredibly strong individual and he's lucky to have you.  At the end of the day the best thing you two can do for each other is to give love & support

[EllieBud]

thank you all so much for your words of advice and encouragement. No it's not easy being the significant other all the time, but it's well worth it. And if I want us to go far, I know I have to accept things more quickly than I probably would've expected. But I want my man to feel like the man he is. It's easier said than done, but I've stood by his side this long, and this isnt going to stop me now. He's my best friend and even till this day, I know if we ever broke up, I'd still be his number 1 support system..

Hair is hair, so what the hell right?! I think he's going to do it by the end of this week, and after reading everyones advice, I think I'm even a little excited

I'll be letting you know how it goes! Maybe even post a picture if he lets me!

xoxo

[blueconstancy]

I remember feeling exactly like that, right down to wondering why some largely minor change scared me so much... and I'll say to you what I wish someone had told me then. You probably WILL freak sometimes, and it's 100% OK. Ride it out, try not to take it out on him (don't lie to him about how you're feeling, just don't make a point of getting all upset at him for reactions you know will pass), and accept that sometimes things are going to be scary or freak you out or make you sad for no rational or explicable reason. That part will suck, but it will pass.

It will get easier, too. I was very, very upset when my wife pierced her ears; by the time she went on HRT I was much less traumatized by her growing boobs than by those darned earrings! I can honestly say that the entire GRS experience was not as emotionally distressing as some of those very early transition steps, even. (It was for other reasons, since it is major surgery, but not in the "she's changing" sort of scary way.) So the more "steps" you take with him, the less each one will throw you off. Especially because it sounds like part of your fear here is purely of the unknown, and eventually fewer and fewer steps become truly unknown, plus you'll have the experience of having faced and survived the earlier ones and you'll know you can get through this.

In addition, although this is beyond the "SO" area of discussion that I'm qualified to speak about, I'd venture to guess that the farther down the path of transition he gets, the more comfortable and easy to live with *he* will become. So basically my advice to any partner just starting the transition process is to buckle down and try to hold on until the miserable early stages are past, and trust that no matter how it feels, a strong relationship *will* have an excellent chance of being intact by the end. As it gets easier for both of you, everything will start to settle into a new, contented normal again.

(And since few people say this to partners, you're a loving, smart, determined person who's facing a major challenge, and you deserve credit for undertaking it. Don't let the amount of work *you* have to do get lost in the focus on his transition, because it's easy sometimes to let it take over both of your lives. I have no doubt whatsoever that he's worth it, though!)

[EllieBud]

I remember feeling exactly like that, right down to wondering why some largely minor change scared me so much... and I'll say to you what I wish someone had told me then. You probably WILL freak sometimes, and it's 100% OK. Ride it out, try not to take it out on him (don't lie to him about how you're feeling, just don't make a point of getting all upset at him for reactions you know will pass), and accept that sometimes things are going to be scary or freak you out or make you sad for no rational or explicable reason. That part will suck, but it will pass.

It will get easier, too. I was very, very upset when my wife pierced her ears; by the time she went on HRT I was much less traumatized by her growing boobs than by those darned earrings! I can honestly say that the entire GRS experience was not as emotionally distressing as some of those very early transition steps, even. (It was for other reasons, since it is major surgery, but not in the "she's changing" sort of scary way.) So the more "steps" you take with him, the less each one will throw you off. Especially because it sounds like part of your fear here is purely of the unknown, and eventually fewer and fewer steps become truly unknown, plus you'll have the experience of having faced and survived the earlier ones and you'll know you can get through this.

In addition, although this is beyond the "SO" area of discussion that I'm qualified to speak about, I'd venture to guess that the farther down the path of transition he gets, the more comfortable and easy to live with *he* will become. So basically my advice to any partner just starting the transition process is to buckle down and try to hold on until the miserable early stages are past, and trust that no matter how it feels, a strong relationship *will* have an excellent chance of being intact by the end. As it gets easier for both of you, everything will start to settle into a new, contented normal again.

(And since few people say this to partners, you're a loving, smart, determined person who's facing a major challenge, and you deserve credit for undertaking it. Don't let the amount of work *you* have to do get lost in the focus on his transition, because it's easy sometimes to let it take over both of your lives. I have no doubt whatsoever that he's worth it, though!)

Wow..thank you so much for that, because that's exactly what I feel. It's almost like shaving his head is scarier than him having top surgery or starting T. And it almost seems silly that something so little scares me more than the big changes.  But you're right, and I've been slowly adjusting to everything to the best of my ability.
I'm anticipating things becoming easier for both us in our relationship. I know as time passes it'll get better. I don't want to keep thinking the fights we have are going to last forever. I guess ultimately I just have keep doing what I'm doing and making sure I'm supportive because that's all I can do right? (That's more rhetorical lol)

Sometimes in my relationship the struggles I face do get pushed to the back burner, because I would never want to take away anything from my boyfriend. And I'm not sure how this sounds, but I don't want to take away his fight and his struggle because he deserves to face everything and feel whatever he feels. But sometimes how this transition affects me never gets noticed, but that's a for a whole different post. In both of our lives, we put a lot of focus on his transition and often times the work I do does get lost in that. But I've discussed it with him before in a manner that I hope didn't make him feel unimportant.

Being a significant other just isn't easy sometimes, and to say I ever expected to be so in love with a trans guy, would be an understatement. But I'm here now, and I'm in love, and I'm happy with my relationship. The best had yet to come I think...

[blueconstancy]

Ellie - Sometimes having other people to talk to who understand what it's like on your end helps, too. Because what you've said made absolute sense to me in turn; I didn't want to interfere with her right to feel or process however she needed to, but sometimes that could take up all the "space" for dealing with transition within our relationship. And the early days were especially raw and vulnerable for her, so "I'm upset about this" could hurt her even when we both knew it was temporary; it sounds like you've actually managed a much more considerate and productive discussion with your boyfriend than I usually did!

The fights definitely don't last forever. Not unless there's underlying issues, anyway, and it sounds like you two were solid before.

[lightningeyes91]

My FTM boyfriend is going through the same thing kinda. He is ore everything as well. He has told his family tho and most of mine knows as well. Don't be afraid of the little changes he is going to go through because their will be many. But once he is comfortable that will stop mostly. My boyfriend also shaved his head and yes it did become real as the you said when he started to change but everytime he changes something he becomes more comfortable and confident. And with every change I feel more and more attracted to him. 

[LilDevilOfPrada]

I am just going to give you 1 small bit of advice because trust me your going to need this more then a strong will, ask him for permission for you to tell a couple or even just 1 of your closet friends. I have yet to meet a SO ho could handle this on their own and as he needs support so do you.