what am I doing wrong!?

[spring0721]

This is the first time I've posted a question here.  Hoping I can get some advice.  My best friend was laid off going on 4months ago, I invited her to move in with my son and I until she could find another position.  Overall it has been fine, although we've lived together before.  She lived with my parents and I during our last year of high school (when she was living as a man).  Then again during college we were rommates for a while.  She was always a laid back, easy going person....this time has been DIFFERENT.  She is very helpful with my son, who is her godson....she's not messy, does her share of chores etc.  I have no complaint on that account.   I guess it just seems like she is a completely different person, gone is the easy going fun person I've known since I was born! She is pretty emotional most of the time, I mean gets upset easily.  I am always completely honest with her, as that's been our relationship since forever.  If she asks how she looks in something, if it looks good then I tell her how amazing she looks.  If I do this she cries and yells that I'm lying she looks horrible.....if she doesn't look the best I say that isn't that flattering why don't you try this instead at which time then she yells and cries that I 'm not being supportive and I always think she's ugly.  Point, I feel like I can't win.  She is beautiful, she's like the sibling I never had and always has been.  I love her, and want her to feel as great as I think she looks.  I don't know what I'm doing wrong but I feel like I always have to walk on eggshells now around her.  Any advice?

[spacial]

Sounds like she was pretty badly treated by people and lost her confidence, to be honest.

If I may, can I suggest, you accept her as she is?

Most importantly, don't let her feel unwelcome. Good friends are hard to find and you're a good friend. I should think she is as well.

[spring0721]

Sounds like she was pretty badly treated by people and lost her confidence, to be honest.

If I may, can I suggest, you accept her as she is?

Most importantly, don't let her feel unwelcome. Good friends are hard to find and you're a good friend. I should think she is as well.

Spacial, thank you....she is and will always be welcome in my home.  She has always been my best friend and I wouldn't trade her for the world.  I guess my question is any advice on what to say when she asks my opinion on how she looks? I'm trying to eliminate not how she feels but the yelling & screaming....that really makes my 4 year old son upset and he asks why we are fighting.  I don't want him around that....so how do I keep her from maybe externalizing her feelings into the yelling is my question.

[Hikari]

Well, it sounds like she is having trouble expressing herself in a responsible and calm manner. Lots of people are like this when it comes to our insecurities, and as best I can tell there are really only two approaches to solve this:

1. Eliminate the insecurity, or eliminate this that trigger this insecurity

2. Attempt to make the insecure person aware, and have them express thier feelings in a more constructive manner.

For option 1, people tend to bolster thier confidence or avoid the subject, both are things doubtful to help but so much in this scenario. For option 2 it generally takes a therapist to really get someone to understand thier feelings and express them in different ways.

Good luck, I hope this gets resolved in a positive manner, and do try to be gentle with her, a good friend is a rare thing.

[spacial]

Hi spring, thank you for your response.

If you feel you can, you ask her why she thinks she looks horrible.

She's hurt rather badly by the sound of it and it may take some time to work through to her.

I have to say, she has an amazing friend in you. And if I may, she sounds like a pretty amazing character herself.

But these things take time. As long as she knows you are there, unconditionally, that she needs no excuses with you, even those breakdowns mean nothing more than the pain you feel for her. Hopefully she can work through it.

With deep respect to Hikari, and others I get the feeling your friend isn't anywhere near ready to see a therapist. From your latest post, I get the feeling to even suggest it, may be quite upsetting, as if you're trying to dispose of her.

[spring0721]

Hikari : thank you so much for the post, I think you're right about boosting her confidence.  I'm going to try really hard to pay her compliments not just when asked.

Spacial: thanks again for the second post.  She is hurting and going through a lot. With getting laid off and having to move back to our small town on top of everything else she's struggling.  But you're right I think suggesting therapy at this point might send her off the deep end.  I'm going to try to ask next time why she thinks she looks bad and see how that goes as you suggested.  She is a great friend, even still with all of the stressors she has going on.  My mom also just told me to ask her to try to stay calm around my son.  I know certain times you just have to yell & scream to get it all out.  Just hard with a child around:) 

I appreciate both of your advice.  Thank you so much!

[spacial]

Always here for you love.

Something occurs with your son. Is he able to understand if you explain that your friend is a good person who has been hurt inside and needs time?

It depends upon the child of course, and your mother is right, his needs are important here. But with brighter children especially, sometimes they can make all the difference.

[spring0721]

Always here for you love.

Something occurs with your son. Is he able to understand if you explain that your friend is a good person who has been hurt inside and needs time?

It depends upon the child of course, and your mother is right, his needs are important here. But with brighter children especially, sometimes they can make all the difference.

Spacial: again thank you.  Joining this forum has been the most help and best thing I did since when my best friend first told me she was transitioning.  Out of the three books I read and this forum, by far this has been the most open, honest and just accepting for BOTH of us...as she is on here as well.  My son JUST turned four a few weeks ago, and while every parent would like to think their child is brilliant, I can be real and say that my little boy is kind of immature for his age and a little hyper active.  With that said he doesn't necessarily understand what is going on, he just knows that uncle ****** is now aunt becca.  He loves aunt becca and is closer to her than he is his dad.  I went through a divorce last year, and unfortunately before the divorce my ex and I fought and our son heard it....very bad on our parts I know!  So my son just tends to get scared and upset anytime my friend and I argue or yells.  We'll be fine in the end, she has helped me through every step in my life and now it's time for me to help her through one of the biggest steps in hers. 
Thank you so much for the words and the encouragement.  You're VERY kind.

[blueconstancy]

It doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong at all... but you can't change her reactions, and so far what you are replying with seems to set her off. It might be a hormonal issue that will settle down, too - it doesn't seem like she's deliberately being manipulative, but her emotions aren't going to respond to logic. And in the meantime, you still need a solution.

You sympathize with her because she's trans, and you love her dearly, but all that still doesn't mean she should be able to get away with hollering at you and scaring your son. Can you try asking her at a neutral time why she seems to react that way, and what she would *like* you to say? If you don't get a helpful answer (and not everyone wants to psychoanalyze themselves for fun, so you may not), you could reply the next time she asks how she looks with something like "You know I love you, but everything I say here seems to hurt you, and I don't want to do that." Say it as gently as possible, but then walk away, if you can. If you can't win, the only thing you can do is not play.

(The "random compliments at another times" is great advice, too.)

[JoanneB]

• Loosing a job
• Having to admit failure and ask a friend for help
• Thinking the root cause of the job loss was transition related
• Generally dealing w/transition and the big "Was this a good idea" question
• Hormones... Perhaps tring to streetch them out and yo-yo'ing levels

All pretty good causes for depression just by themself, forget as a collection. Plenty of good reasons to be emotional, and having a self esteem lower than the belly of a pregnant snail

[DeeperThanSwords]

It doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong at all... but you can't change her reactions, and so far what you are replying with seems to set her off. It might be a hormonal issue that will settle down, too - it doesn't seem like she's deliberately being manipulative, but her emotions aren't going to respond to logic. And in the meantime, you still need a solution.

You sympathize with her because she's trans, and you love her dearly, but all that still doesn't mean she should be able to get away with hollering at you and scaring your son. Can you try asking her at a neutral time why she seems to react that way, and what she would *like* you to say? If you don't get a helpful answer (and not everyone wants to psychoanalyze themselves for fun, so you may not), you could reply the next time she asks how she looks with something like "You know I love you, but everything I say here seems to hurt you, and I don't want to do that." Say it as gently as possible, but then walk away, if you can. If you can't win, the only thing you can do is not play.

(The "random compliments at another times" is great advice, too.)

^ This. It may be a hormone or other brain chemical imbalance that might pass, or maybe she's just not used to people being good to her. You seem to be doing your best, just keep letting her know that you value and love her, and try at a less charged time what she'd like you to say/do in future, as you care about her and don't want to hurt her.

Muchos hugs and vibes babe.

Aethan.

[spring0721]

Blueconstancy: thank you for the post, I like what you said to say 'you know I love you but everything I say seems to hurt you' thing.......I'm definitely going to try that! Thanks

Joanne: thank you so much, yes she's had a difficult 6 months especially to say the least although her being laid off I don't believe had to do with her transitioning...they laid off the 15 newest hires.  Still it's hard to lose a job & have to go back home.  Thank you for your words

Aethan, thanks so much! Yes I wondered if it may be hormonal which is kind of why I posted here and didn't know if I should kindly suggest she see her doctor again....as it's gotten a little worse over the past month.  I'm not a doctor and don't know anything about hormonal imbalances or if her levels could be off because of her hrt dose? But yes I think I'm going to just have a short talk with her sometime we can be alone hopefully to see if she'll talk to me about what's going on. Thanks again, aethan, nice to have a friend on here !

[Kupcake]

Yep.  If it's really so loud that it's disturbing your child, you wanting her to tone down her reactions is a perfectly valid desire.  And yes, it also sounds like your friend is going through a lot.  Add all of her current life challenges to whatever hormonal issues she is having, and it's really a recipe for emotional hardship.

All you can really do now is be open about your concerns.  Just take care to frame it in an understanding way, emphasizing your concern for her and avoiding any accusatory language.  If she's in a place where self-doubt and internalizing perceived criticism are an issue, you should be _very_ careful with word choice.  Don't pick language which insinuates that it's merely her problem to fix, even indirectly.  I actually don't like some of the previous suggestions, for that reason.  Let her know that you understand she's going through a period of immense uncertainty, and that you sympathize with and understand the doubts she's having.  But also state your concern that the severity of her reactions may not be healthy, not for you, your child, but also not for her.  Dialogue may or may not immediately resolve the issue, but it sounds like your friend cares, so I'm betting they'd at least be willing to take a shot at turning things down a bit.  If the two of you can actually openly talk about this issue without judgment of confrontation, I think it should get better with time.

I do applaud you for your patience, and for letting your friend into your home.  It sounds like the two of you have a pretty good bond as friends.  That's a good start for working things out.

[spring0721]

Kupcake; thanks for the post! I always love reading your advice, as it is always very compassionate & sound.  I never thought of the accusatory words, and you definitely right; that is the last thing I want to do.  I don't want her to feel that this is just her problem....thank you for bringing that up.  We most certainly have a sibling bond which does make it easier to bring up sore subjects, hopefully it will help on this as well.  Thanks again for the words!