For a long time now I have been stuck somewhere in the middle of the whole gender issue. Many times, and I don't know how I do it, I shut down my desires and ignore them for the most part and find something to keep my mind off of them. I don't do that as much anymore because if I do it too much I eventually break and that hurts too much and causes more problems for my marriage than I need at the moment. What am I not sure about? I'm not sure if I'm just someone who desires to crossdress, or has a fetish about body modification(srs, penectomy, castration, nullification, etc.) or if I really am female inside stuck in this male form and obligated by society to play the male gender role because of my form.
Things I currently do in public:
I wear panties on a regular basis and prefer them to male underwear but sometimes can't stand the constriction they cause or the bulge protruding because of the extra mass between my legs.
On occasion I will wear a bra but usually around the house when the wife isn't at home and my older children are at school.
I wear nail polish at least one a month but usually only put on dark colors like black or dark purple, I have on occasion used a lighter purple(favorite color) or a silver or glittery polish.
I shave my legs, pits, pubic area, chest, and sometimes my arms(and I know that that isn't necessarily gender specific but I hate being a hairy ape.
Things I do in private:
This is a rarity because I usually do not have the house to myself even though I have switched roles with my wife since she got a job.
Sometimes if I'm home alone, I will wear a dress or skirt around the house but the clothing is my wife's older clothing and even though it doesn't fit her now(she gained some weight) it still doesn't fit me right.
I sometimes tuck and tape my genitals to get the desired look under panties.
I have dabbled in make up but don't know a damn thing about what I'm doing so I usually just stop before I get started. LOL
Things I have desires for:
I wish to be slightly shorter(something under 6 foot).
I wish to have smooth and virtually hairless skin everywhere but the top of my head, which I am balding and wish to have a full head of long soft hair.
I wish for breasts, feminine looking breasts around a C cup which to me would be the size that would fit me, I think.
I hate my genitals and wish to have a vagina.
I wish I had the freedom to express my emotions without feeling the need to suppress them.
I wish I had a natural feminine voice.
I wish I knew how to put on makeup and had some fashion sense.
Although I don't believe in the supernatural or magick or myth I often wish I would wake up one day as the opposite sex or wish I had a magic lamp and a genie who could grant my wish to become female.
And no matter which way I become female I want to be able to pass as a female, to be a genetic female if at all possible.
I may have missed a few things in there but for the most part that covers most if not all of it. So what am I? Where do you think I stand so far as gender dysphoria or gender identity disorder is concerned? I have already had a post on how this effects my marriage and every time I've gone to a therapist they push towards experimentation and transition but because of my relationship and anxiety I end up ending the therapy and ignoring my feelings and desires the best I can until I feel the need for professional help again or my wife tells me to go back(although I doubt she will tell me to because the results are not what she hopes for). At what point would you personally draw a line to start experimenting more to get the curiosity over with? It's been years now and I can't put these desires out of my mind for more than a day, if that. Although I would say I'm more at a manageable level at this time to where I still feel hatred for what I am and how I look but I don't go into bouts of depression where I can't function. After all, I am the housewife at the moment so I have a lot of responsibility for the house and children that I am obligated to deal with. I feel like I'm in some sort of limbo.
