Am I Trans or am I delusional?

[Keira]

I'm quite curious if anyone else feels like they have deluded themselves into thinking they are transgender.

Or perhaps I am just deluding myself into thinking that I am cisgender.

I myself do not "know" if I am trans, but I can tell you that when I present as a male I feel fake. If I could present as a genderqueer female I would be much more comfortable. I don't really feel comfortable being called by masculine pronouns, but it isn't horrible.

I don't have much body dysphoria, except that I wish my body was more feminine (little to no body hair, more female facial shape, more female body shape). I don't really care too much about my genitals: they don't really bother me. If I was ever in a relationship, I would rather be perceived as female.

I currently present as male (albeit with long hair and shaven legs/thighs) and I find it hellish. People expect me to "be" a certain way: like when my parents tell me to cut my hair when it starts to get long, or when people say, "all guys are [blank], but you're the exception".

All I really know is that when I "Try" to be male, I feel numb; and when I feel female on the inside, I know it's the real me.

(Yes, I know, talk to a therapist blah blah blah...I don't have the money, nor do I have the time to waste. I am an introvert, figuring myself out is what I do.)

[Kelly J. P.]

 I don't feel that I've deluded myself, personally. I wouldn't be very good at it if I tried, though, as I don't really see transitioning or not transitioning as the only two options. I see myself transitioning "partially" in that I view my journey as a sum of bits and pieces, rather than a whole. It just so happens that everything I want to do amounts to what is considered a complete transition.

I would say that, in regards to transition, you should do as much as you want, and go as far as you want, knowing that you're not obliged to do anything more than you are comfortable with.

It may be that you don't need to change your body, and simply allowing yourself the freedom to be yourself in your current form may be enough for you. It isn't totally unusual for males to be extremely feminine in how they act.

If being yourself in a male body isn't even close to enough, though... if you really want to present female every day, and change your body accordingly, then you should take the physical transition step by step, beginning with hormones, and then advancing to surgery with time and very thorough introspection.

A carefully planned, step-by-step approach is best when you are unsure of how serious your problem with your sex and gender role is.

[Keira]

Are you reading my mind? Lol

Actually, I'm trying to figure out if I want hrt or not; or how much hrt I want (low or moderate dosage). I plan to go to a therapist and get a referral for hrt to give to my doctor; as I don't think self-medication is safe or useful in my situation.

It's kind of like I'm just chasing my own figurative tail. I'm pretty sure I'm transgender one day, but then the next day I'm not sure and I start having doubts.

[Jamie D]

If you look at some of the topics in the Androgyne Talk forum, you will find threads about low-dose HRT.  It is becoming increasingly accepted that low doses can have beneficial psychological effects.

In time however, the common physical changes associated with MtF or FtM HRT will become apparent.

[Anna++]

I'm quite curious if anyone else feels like they have deluded themselves into thinking they are transgender.

Or perhaps I am just deluding myself into thinking that I am cisgender.

This sounds familiar!  I'm convinced that I'm doing one of these, but I'm confused enough that I haven't quite figured out which yet.

[suzifrommd]

I'm quite curious if anyone else feels like they have deluded themselves into thinking they are transgender.

This is SO me.

Half the time I'm convinced that I'm just pretending to be transgender so that I'll be "allowed" to live as a woman.

This happens especially when I hear another of those "I always knew I was a woman" stories or, more frequently when I do or think something so typically male that I'm sure the trans police will bust in, throw me to the carpet, and take away my trans card permanently.

Then I ask myself, if you're doing all this so you'll be allowed to live as a woman, why are you so interested in living as a woman? Why does it matter what gender you live as? Why are you trying to get chemicals to put in your body to turn it female, why are you seriously considering having your genitals sliced up so you'll look and feel female between your legs?

Do cis people do any of that?

I remind myself two things:

1. A major indication someone is a transgender person is desire to transition to living as the other sex.

2. If I want to be a female, I am still allowed to be whatever type of female I am, even one that's perfectly comfortable with my male body (while at the same time wishing it were female), and sometimes behaves in a male way.

[Alex_K]

I suppose that the more rational your mind tends to be, the more doubts you have about your perception of your gender. I had lots of issues with that because of this.
I'm an atheist and a skeptic and I tend to rely on evidence based stuff. However, it's not like there's a perfect medical test that can verify if you're trans or cis, so approaching gender issues expecting to find solid and stable evidence is not how you're gonna fix it.

I also found that there are more doubts if you don't fall into a 100% cis or 100% trans category. If your happiness resides on some intermediate space, doubts get bigger.

However, something IS wrong. Even if there's no way to find the trans gene, you do feel like something is wrong, and not facing it is not the solution. Be open to the idea of not performing every step of the transition. You have to do something, even if it's only visiting a gender specialist, but you don't have to do everything to be happy :-)

Maybe what holds you back is the idea that falling between cis and trans is... I don't know, not ok. Trust me: what's not ok is to turn your back on that problem thinking that you're delusional.

Good luck :-)

[Anna++]

Another thing to point out:  you're here, aren't you?  When I start filling my head with doubts, I sometimes need to remind myself that I found the transgender community by Google searching something like "why do I think the way I do?".  I don't think a cis-person would be searching problems that lead here.

[Keira]

I guess part of it is that I am afraid that if I get an evaluation for gender dysphoria, the therapist might tell me, "you don't NEED hrt". The thing is that I do, it's the only thing that will make me far more comfortable in my body.

It's interesting, I never knew why I didn't like getting my picture taken; now It makes sense. Maybe that's another part of why I have had problems with my self esteem; I don't look the way I think I should.

@emschuma

Yeah I've heard that before; and it does make sense. It's pretty hard to believe you're transgender when you act like a guy, but inside you feel like a girl. And when your family tries to ignore that you are transgender; and also refuse to learn anything about it.

(One day after coming home from the doctor)

Mom- So what did the doctor say?

Me- not much, just gave me a prescription for "anti-depressants".

Mom- Why does the bottle say "estradiol"? Isn't that estrogen?

Me-Uh, yeah I'm transgender...(walks quietly back into her room)

Mom- [Her reaction is like WTF?!?!]

I keep waiting for the day when this happens (or something like it)...

[peky]

Based in your post I think your are Trans. Now stop thinking to much about it, and get on with the business of being trans, OK?

[RedFox]

Keira, I completely understand where your coming from.  For the first few months after I "discovered" I was trans I had constant doubts.  I wasn't one of those that "always knew" I was a female.  I hid away my feminine side for most of my life and it's been a very wonderful and scary experience rediscovering myself.

Personally, I think some of my doubts came from the fact that I would do something like shave my body hair and then start to feel more comfortable with myself because of it.. which reduces my anxiety about being male... which causes me to doubt my female nature.   But what finally made me stop doubting myself is my own self-image.  When I close my eyes and picture myself a year from now, five years from now... I see myself as a woman moving through the world as a woman.. and very happy.  Trying to create the same sense and seeing myself in the future as a man leaves me very uncomfortable and unhappy.  Seems like a pretty obvious choice.

Now my doubts and worries are about external influences and factors - like the wife, kids, and career.  And clothes - those are going to be expensive!  (But I'm looking forward to the shopping trips).

And yes, it sounds to me like your Trans.  And as much as you don't want to hear it, at some point you do need to see a therapist of some sort - remember that a doctor has to sign off on your paperwork for you to get SRS - if it ever comes to that for you.

[Keira]

Wow...SageFox everything you just said I can relate to...

I can't even see myself as a guy/man right now. I see myself as closer to female but somewhat more genderqueer-female. If that's the case...then I must be transgender/genderqueer...

Thanks Peky, lol if I had a strong definite voice in my head, it would most likely tell me the same thing.

Thank you all

[Chaos]

For a long time i might have thought i was.during my teens and early adult hood,i had so many negative things put in my head that made me block off what i knew.But i can say honestly now that i am not confused or delusional.i was supressed,forced to hold it all in for the sake of *the family* i see myself completely as male tho my transitioning has been a struggle due to just now getting an idea of where to start-tho oddly i already have most of the means.i live with a male room mate *past bf* who has been supportive tho that relationship will end *just friends* once all surgery is complete but i do not care if it means being who im supposed to be.im tired of lieing to myself and others.i have already outted myself to him,my mother,brother and friends.

[Kevin Peña]

I don't like to tell people if they're trans or not because that's not my call (nor is it a therapist's). It's your call to make. However, I can tell you a bit about my experience.

I don't hate my genitals either. As far as I'm concerned, presenting as a female and being treated as such is enough by me, and not many people will be seeing my genitals.

I also have to try to be male. I want to be more feminine. There is no one way to be transgender, so don't worry if you don't fit into a cookie-cutter mentality.

[JoanneB]

I went through a major "I am a self delusional idiot", WTF are you doing meltdown last year at this time. It occured during my TG group's Christmas party/meeting. That time held in a local LGBT friendly club. During the party festivities I was standing there watching all the other women, having fun, dancing, doing karaoke, and then there was me. Me comparing myself to all them. Of course not measuring up.

I am not full-time, sort of doing part-time, and had finally realized that I achieved my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman. I am also married, not looking to transition since I have as many good reasons not to, as I do to transition.

Throughout the 3 month long intense battle within and resultant depression, there was one salient fact no matter how I examined it, could I declare as false. I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever that I am a TS. I felt it since I was like 4-5 years old and it never went away.

An occupational hazard of mine is always having to play the "And then what game?", a very usefull tool when properly used. For my life at that, and this, time, not to be applied. Sure I find great joy and happiness being out in the real world being the real me. Not quite the full RLE but the next best thing under the circumstances. Not quite enough to jump into it knowing all the implications and impacts it will have on my life. Before being able to make a decision I need to answer one very difficult question.

Is it worth it? Is transition to full-time worth the cost to my male life?

Not a question I should even be thinking about. It is difficult for me to live in the moment, not worry about the future, not to over analyze things. It's a year now since I had my self delusional idiot meltdown and I am still trying to recover. I still have absoulte faith that I am trans. I am learning each day how to just enjoy what I have, what I achieved. Not just on the trans front, but also on the male side too.

[Katelyn]

Wow, in all the time I've been at Susans (many years now, intermittently though), I haven't seen a thread speak to me as much as this thread.

Much of my life has pretty much been in stalemate for the past 5 years because I haven't been able to be confident enough in my gender identity.  Everytime I think I have it figured out, something comes and throws things into disarray, and I feel like I'm back where I started. 

I want to be female but I'm not sure if my brain really is female

Am I deluding myself into thinking that I can only feel comfortable having sex as a woman, and wanting a female body, or that if I let myself act freely without consequences, that I'd act naturally feminine? (something that I noted since 5 years ago)

Am I wanting to be a woman because I'm attracted in general to women, and I want to be a woman because of some condition where I'm attracted to myself rather than to other women?

I want to be female but there's times I feel quite masculine and I can't help but feel like that at times

If I am bi-gender, how can I have a life if everyone will just get confused and even think I'm crazy having more than one gender identity

I may possibly be bi-gender but I really wanted to be female in the first place, not bi-gender

What I want and what I am may not be possible to be the same thing.

Do I want to be female just to get away from my male identity?  (as I like how I look most when I see myself "as a girl" rather than retaining any looks of my male identity.)

This confusion over my gender has obviously taken a toll on me, especially my social life, because I don't feel like I can have authentic friend type relationships with cisgendered people, and I feel like I may confuse my trans friends as well.  It's also taken a toll on me financially as I haven't been able to dive into a career because of the lack of certainty over my gender (and thus changing one's identity can have a serious toll on the relationships with people that I know as well as the employer.)

I ask myself why can't I just be satisfied with dressing as female, and it comes down to the body:  I don't feel good presenting as female without a female body (I feel fake), and I don't feel authentically female without a female body.  I have breasts due to some form of gynecomastia, yet I want them larger and more feminine shaped.  I want a more feminine looking face despite what mode I'm in.  Then again, sometimes I wonder if I've deluded myself into thinking like that.

Life is so confusing for me

[Katelyn]

I suppose that the more rational your mind tends to be, the more doubts you have about your perception of your gender. I had lots of issues with that because of this.
I'm an atheist and a skeptic and I tend to rely on evidence based stuff. However, it's not like there's a perfect medical test that can verify if you're trans or cis, so approaching gender issues expecting to find solid and stable evidence is not how you're gonna fix it.

I also found that there are more doubts if you don't fall into a 100% cis or 100% trans category. If your happiness resides on some intermediate space, doubts get bigger.

However, something IS wrong. Even if there's no way to find the trans gene, you do feel like something is wrong, and not facing it is not the solution. Be open to the idea of not performing every step of the transition. You have to do something, even if it's only visiting a gender specialist, but you don't have to do everything to be happy :-)

Maybe what holds you back is the idea that falling between cis and trans is... I don't know, not ok. Trust me: what's not ok is to turn your back on that problem thinking that you're delusional.

Good luck :-)

I'm like this, I am very analytical and rational based. 

Add to this the pressure that If I don't fit cleanly into any gender or even group of people, that I will be looked upon as wierd and thus not feel like I'd be liked by others and thus be an outcast.  Feeling like I'm unwanted is a very sore spot in me.

Add to this even the pressure that if I were to try to stay in the male gender, I could much more easily have a girlfriend and help from my dad and be able to achieve my want to be a big and influential person in society.

[Alex_K]

Add to this even the pressure that if I were to try to stay in the male gender, I could much more easily have a girlfriend and help from my dad and be able to achieve my want to be a big and influential person in society.

Katelyn, the same happens to me. Specially the not-getting-a-decent-couple fear. But in my case, since I started focusing in my transition, I found revealing things about myself. I found that I failed in all my relationships (and I had many) mostly because of my gender issues. How can you ever be comfortable in a relationship with another person when you're not comfortable with yourself?

About being big and influential... if that's what you want, remember that for every door that closes, another one opens. And anyway... if the cost of having a super-dooper succesful life is my own peace of mind... it's most def not worth it.

[Hikari]

I am pretty certain of who I am, but it didn't happen overnight, and I certainly had doubts. The dysphoria would come in waves for me, and everytime it had subsided even the slightest I would think that "I beat it, this is gone, I can be normal!" But, it never stayed that way.

I think that I was deluding myself for thinking I wasn't trans at times. But what happened was I was too focused on dysphoria rather than my actual feelings. Even the soc establishes a difference between gender nonconforming and dysphoric feelings. The thing is I didn't realize at first was that even if the dysphoria came in waves, the nonconformity was always there I never felt right as male. The way I see it someone is transgender if they have either sorts of feelings.

I am sure now that this is the path forward for me, and I dare any therapist to tell me I am not trans enough, they will be fired on the spot, no one should ever have to feel pressured to give thier therapist the "right" answer to let them be themselves.

[Katelyn]

I am pretty certain of who I am, but it didn't happen overnight, and I certainly had doubts. The dysphoria would come in waves for me, and everytime it had subsided even the slightest I would think that "I beat it, this is gone, I can be normal!" But, it never stayed that way.

Interesting that you talk about it as in "waves", thats how I kind of feel, that it comes in waves for me, and at times I think I can beat it as well.  Then sometime later comes the feelings back again.