Passing and Male Attention

[Noah]

I am 4 months 1 week into HRT. I am very happy!! 🙂 my body has already shown a lot of response. I have gained 1.5 inches in my hips/butt, my breasts have budded, body hair reduced, skin is softening, face somehow more fem...it's great.

I live full time and did so before I went on hormones. In the past month I have been gendered female about 90% of the time in daily life. I am changing. This is working. It's so liberating and beautiful to simply be perceived in such a way to feel seen on this Earth.

I wonder though, what people think they see. Ultimately it doesn't matter if someone calls me she because they think I'm a ->-bleeped-<- or a gg - either way they're getting it right. I am not obsessed with passing but I do not like being seen as male in anyway.

This concern is more relevant with male attention. I was at a show last night in Brooklyn (where I live) and my gurlfriend introduced me to this guy she knows. I was wearing a sexy black dress and nylons and looked Hot. He was very sweet and kept touching my arm, obviously attracted to me. He left quickly and I told my friend how cute he was.

Her boyfriend came over and was like "I didn't know that guy was gay!" not that he meant any harm but he knew me pretransition and though he accepts me he doesn't quite understand that I don't date gay men...I explained, and also explained that this dude who flirted with me probably didn't know I was trans.

It excited me. And by all means all of this correct gendering is so amazing and I feel very grateful for it. But with men in this environment where it's very loud and dimly lit I felt a little insecure. I loved being perceived as an attractive woman by this hot straight dude who never would have paid me mind before. But it makes me insecure because I feel like my body/voice just aren't there yet in terms of development etc. I am totally happy with myself but I feel vulnerable in this situation. Like if that guy didn't leave right away and we had a chance to talk more he'd see what I am and then I'd be put in an unfair and uncomfortable position. Obviously this is this guys problem If he is uncomfortable having been attracted to a trans woman. I know it doesn't mean anything about me if he rejected me, and I know that I need to bd confident with that. I expect I will as time goes on.

I just realized how much it is important to me to be doing this. How in transition I have found a sense of reality in my life that I never had before. It makes me feel like I've been given a second chance at life, and I just love it do much. I want everything. But I'm happy with whatever I'm given. I hardly spoke to this man in our brief exchange but I am interested. My friend told me he's single and that I'm just his type of girl (as in body type or whatever) so that's cute. But I'm just so nervous about being put into a position where he sees that I'm actually trans and he's no longer interested and I'm not embarrassed. I don't want to be rejected. This is a lot of fear from an old life I guess. Learning process. Any input or shared experience would be helpful. Thx ladies.

[Lucky Peach]

Noah, first of all, it's awesome that you are so happy!

I've been getting a lot of male attention too lately, and I'm pretty much in the same situation as you, nervous about being put into an uncomfortable position. So much so that in my case I pretty much do what I can to avoid that part of my life right now. I've gotten some really good advice lately though that really makes a lot of sense to me, just working on putting it into practice

Basically though, what I've heard is that I'm a young woman, going on thirteen. I've got no experience in the dating world playing from this side (really not much from the other side too). You sorta just need to take the opportunities as they arise. Think of it as practice. There are going to be some awesome experiences, as well as some trainwrecks, but I think that's the way dating goes normally. The only difference is that we're learning about how to handle ourselves later than other women do.

But yah, flirt away, accept a drink, go on a date with someone, take a chance, and keep having fun. Wish you the best of luck!

[Alainaluvsu]

I have a bunch of experiences... but before I share one I'll just say it's absolutely hilarious watching men now. They are intimidated and nervous around me which is a total turn around of how they used to look at me. Watching their body language when I say hi to one randomly... they almost freeze up and are like "h...hheeyyyy!" lol. Guess I'm still not used to it.

I'll share 1 funny event (to me anyways). My brother, his fiance and I were sitting around BSing, and her ex husband just left the house. She was like "Alaina, maybe I can set you up with him!". Mind you, they both (obviously) know I'm trans, but her ex doesn't. She never knew me before I transitioned though. Me and my brother just bursted out laughing and I mumbled "that's so wrong". She looked at me like... "how??"

[silly by the seashore]

I have a lot of concerns about this as well. A lot of people know I'm trans since I still where I did before transition, but there are some, especially from other communities, that don't know. I do not want anything complicating my life currently and I'm still preop, so I just tell the ones that do ask me out that I don't date, simple as that. I tell them I don't need the complication, but I don't tell them I'm trans, with some that could be risky and I really don't want them to start seeing me as something other than a woman. I know its probably the chicken way out, but hey, it works for me.

[Noah]

Thanks for the responses. I am non-op so I don't ever intend on having srs, though the day may come when that changes. I understand that this will necessarily make me remain in limbo, and that IS fine with me. I love being trans, am not ashamed of it, nor do I wish to ever live in true stealth. Of course, I still want men to treat me like/consider me a woman. It may be a tall order, but whatever - its my life and I accept it. I also, as you can see, have kept my name. This was a difficult personal decision and I know it is the right one, for now anyway. I have seen some girls named Noah but not many. It definitely confuses signals in a way that I hate, but I just don't want to change my name, so I deal with it.

I guess I am just not in a place where I want to tell guys I'm not interested or anything I like that. I am SO interested, and I am ready for a relationship. I am in a huge changing place in my life, but thats ok...we're always changing. It may not be possible to find someone right now, and I am not actively looking...but when things like this happen I want to take the opportunity. But then of course it returns to that insecurity...I want my friend to tell him I'm trans and for him to be interested anyway. This is obviously going to continue happening for the rest of my life especially as I am non-op, and I am sure I will nvigate it better later down the line...so funny how as I start to pass (which makes me so happy) this thing starts happening with men that also elates me but is...difficult!

[muuu]

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[peky]

I went to my company x-mas party this morning wearing a nice form-fitting red dress with some black tights. While on the buffet line I feel like a psychic because  I could feel the boys undressing me with their eyes. Every time I turned my head they were looking in my direction, talking to themselves, and smiling. It was kind of unnerving. So I just grab some cheese and crackers and sat in the nearest table. Then, a bunch of my girlfriends come and say: "you sure are riling up the boys up with that number." I was shock and just kind of giggle and say "men!"

I felt so self conscious after that, that I put my carding on in an effort to hide my ass and my boobs. Even with that I felt so bad that I made an excuse and left the table. So, as I am about to exit the ballroom when this guy who knows me from before said: "hi Peky, looking good girl!"

Few, this was a new experience, left me disturb, happy, elated, nervous, proud...

[Alainaluvsu]

Just a few minutes ago I was at a dollar store in a run down part of town. I just got back from a job interview so I'm dressed nice... heels, slacks etc. I felt SO out of place... a 30 year old white girl dressed in nice attire and heels in a dollar store in the ghetto. I'm by myself (as opposed to being with my roommate like I usually am, who is male). It's amazing how many men looked at me, which I'm not gonna lie, happens a lot when I'm by myself in public. In the parking lot I passed a couple sketchy looking men and one of them said in a kind of coy voice "Hey beautiful, how you doin?"... I smiled and said "Fine, thanks". As they walked behind me I heard him say under his breath "Baby you single?"

Men are chickens rofl!

[Celery Stalk]

I've had men flirt with me, and generally I've become accustomed to it, even told one guy that A) I'm with someone and B) I'm trans. But the only ones that make me nervous are the creepy, thuggy, ultra machismo types that I'm certain would react violently if they knew I was trans.

[leareed]

Male attention is nice. (In small doses)
I pass very well and I've noticed that I get treated the same way that cis-woman get treated by men.
For example, I was in the grocery store trying to find something and the young male employee kept eyeing me and so he eventually came over and was like "Can I help you with anything, miss?" and gave me a very flirtatious smirk and I was thinking "You can help me get groceries, not undressed." hahaha.

It's bittersweet, now I have more of a reason to worry about being female than being transgender.  I don't have to worry about someone realizing I'm transgender, I have to worry about men trying to abuse my personal space.  It's weird but now I know what cis-women are talking about when they say many men are pigs. lol!

[Assoluta]

It's different for me, I very rarely get male attention, maybe a few times a year. Men certainly do treat me differently and that dynamic was one of the first things I noticed. Some women Seem to get men all over them all the time, but that isn't my experience. Perhaps the odd comment from an invariably much older man about four times a year? Oh well, I quite like the way I look, even if most men don't!

[pretty pauline]

It's amazing how many men looked at me, which I'm not gonna lie, happens a lot when I'm by myself in public. In the parking lot I passed a couple sketchy looking men and one of them said in a kind of coy voice "Hey beautiful, how you doin?"... I smiled and said "Fine, thanks". As they walked behind me I heard him say under his breath "Baby you single?"

I experience that a lot particular if Im alone, Hey sweetie, Hi lovey, guys offering to fill your gas tank, and Im no young model, just a middle age woman, it was a bit of a culture shock at first, many years ago I remember at a house party, lots of guys with lots of drink taken, putting an arm around my waist, squeezing my boobs and slapping my butt, I was shocked at the time, remembering telling my Mam the next day, she rolled her eyes and laughed, welcome to womanhood, just enjoy the attention but don't let them cross the line. I got used to it over the years, men will be men.
p

[Kadri]

I used to think guys were just being stupid and kind of teasing me, but reading the above now I realise they were making feeble attempts at getting to know me! Hahahah....makes me feel much better about myself. They'll have to say more interesting stuff than "You been to the races? Love" to get into my pants.

I was organising an event a while back and had a great time talking to the other women organising the catering for other conferences nearby. One guy who knew me pre-transition was amazed at how el I got on with the other girls (guess he still sees me as what I looked like before), whereas they would hardly look at him! He was trying to chat them up, and said in a bit of an annoyed voice "they talk to you because they don;t see you as a threat"...actually I knew it was because I was passing pretty awesomely...made me feel good inside!

[Carbon]

I experience that a lot particular if Im alone, Hey sweetie, Hi lovey, guys offering to fill your gas tank, and Im no young model, just a middle age woman, it was a bit of a culture shock at first, many years ago I remember at a house party, lots of guys with lots of drink taken, putting an arm around my waist, squeezing my boobs and slapping my butt, I was shocked at the time, remembering telling my Mam the next day, she rolled her eyes and laughed, welcome to womanhood, just enjoy the attention but don't let them cross the line. I got used to it over the years, men will be men.

I was walking back from a store at night with a cis female friend recently and a guy came up and starting talking to her. I'm not sure exactly what he was saying but he was clearly hitting on her, it's like um okay, late at night and we're trying to come home from a store, not the place for that. The area is a little dangerous at night too but is generally pretty safe as long as you stay on the main road like we were, not so much if you go off it. My friend kind of said something noncommittal and I moved to the other side of her, standing in between them, and he stops following us. Then my friend says "I thought being with you was supposed to stop that kind of thing." 

It's been so weird to me growing up to know that female friends will get treated drastically differently if they're around me (this can make it kind of hard to "get" harassment too because two people can have such different experiences in exactly the same places) but it was almost as weird to me just then when this guy didn't treat her differently at all. No way I'm passing right now, I've been on HRT under 2 months and am presenting as male still, but maybe it was just dark and he assumed that the two long haired people must be a couple of girls. Whatever the reason this isn't the kind of thing I'm looking forward to at all, I hate attention like this from people so much.

[pretty pauline]

Whatever the reason this isn't the kind of thing I'm looking forward to at all, I hate attention like this from people so much.

But as you pass more with time and become more feminine, you will have more male attention, it comes with the territory. It was a culture shock to me at first all them years ago, but Iv got use to it and I deal with it in my own way, sometimes its positive like at the grocery store yesterday, the guy was so helpful he carried the grocery bags to the car and was chatting and smiling the whole time, he said he liked my perfume, he was hitting on me, I enjoyed the attention. Then theres negative attention where a guy is talking to my cleavage and staring at my butt, howdy sweetie, ''sorry didn't realize you where a married chick'' lovey darling, all that sort of thing.
Its completely different being a woman, but its all part of being a woman, as my Mother said all them years ago, Welcome to Womanhood.
Pauline