How to be a supportive sibling?

[hellothere]

My older sibling recently decided to become a girl and it has been really hard for me to understand. I want to be supportive, but I'm not sure how. Every time I try to talk to my sibling about it, she gets angry and upset that I don't understand and our relationship is falling apart. She recently went to college and we've barley communicated since, she won't even respond to the occasional text. This probably sounds ridiculous, but why does gender matter? I'm a girl, yet I play sports, wear make up and get mad every times someone give me the "but you're a girl", yet I've never considered becoming a boy even though I fit most of the stereotypes. Why does gender affect who you are in anyway? I know I don't sound supportive, but the only way I think I truly can be is if I understand the why. Can anyone explain it to me?

[~RoadToTrista~]

Lolz, it's more deep than that. Every trans person has an unbearable experience. For example, I'm getting increasingly self-conscious and depressed the more my body gets more masculine. Some days I don't mind, I'm a teenager so passing wouldn't be too hard, and some days life just sucks for me. If I was fully grown it would suck way worse, I can't imagine having a man's body without cringing. I guess it's my own fault, because I can't work up the courage to come out.

Is that what you asked her? If so it's understandable why she's upset. If you want to be supportive then just stand by her and don't make her feel like she has to prove herself or something.

[blueconstancy]

What if you woke up tomorrow and you were a boy? Everyone argued with you if you said you were a girl; they made you use the boy's bathroom and told you "boys don't cry" and so on. Would that bother you?

Serious question - I don't have an internal sense of gender myself. I wouldn't care if that happened, aside from being a little confused that it happened overnight. But I had to accept, after watching how much my wife struggled with it, that gender mattered a lot to *her.* That's really all that matters; you don't have to understand how your sister knows she's a girl or why she cares, just that you love her and want her to be happy, and this matters so much to her.  In the meantime, just telling her you love her and DO support her in what she needs to be happy might help. I can totally understand why you want an explanation from her, but obviously she's very sensitive about the subject right now, and that's not going well. Maybe, in time, as you show that you still care and she becomes more comfortable with herself, she'll be more able to talk about it.

I do sympathize, though. It took a long time for me to wrap my mind around the idea that anyone cared that much about gender (when I was much younger, I assumed it was one of those silly and pointless things people insist on making everyone do, like small talk!). I'm assuming that if she's older and she just went to college, you're under 18 yourself, which also means you've got a ton of other stuff to worry about right now. It's no wonder that this is throwing you for a loop, when just surviving middle/high school is tough enough by itself.

[Kevin Peña]

Well, I fit the stereotypes of "male" as well, but I know that I'm not a man. I for one believe that gender identity is inherent to an individual. It's like any feeling in general. She doesn't have to prove any feelings to you or anyone else, and asking her to do so is bound to get her upset since no one likes having other people speak for them.

Everyone wants to express themselves, and for your sister, that means being female. Just tell her how much you still support and love her. She could use a friendly face.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

It is really hard to describe to someone who has not suffered with GD (formally GID).  It isn't that we wake up one day and say 'Hey! I am really the other gender'.  GD is a life long issue.  Many suffer in silence until the day they decide they no longer can be silent.

It is then that they do something about it.  Some choice to make it go away and take their own lives.  Others take the higher road and try to transition.

Imagine if you knew all your life that something was wrong.  You knew that you were really a girl (from your sister's point of view), but your body was that of a boy.  Maybe you try to tell your parents but they just play it down as you're still a boy.  Maybe they take other means and make you feel ashamed to think that way.  Some parents even try to beat it out of you.

And then society also makes fun of those how feel this way.  They make jokes, try to harm or even assault the transgendered.

As to the why, the scientific community does not know why.  There are many theories about why, but there is nothing really to explain why.  The mind is a complex organ.

As to being supportive, it really does not matter as to why your sister feels this way.  What matters is that you give your love and support to her.  Stick by her, help her where you can and just always be there for her.

[Emily Aster]

I agree with the others. If you really want to understand more about it, here is a good place and there are plenty of books on the subject. I used one that was a diary of a MtF's life when explaining it to my mother. When it comes to your sister, treat her the same way you've always treated her, like a person. If you take the time to do some research first, I think you'll find her more receptive to your questions.

The way you explained your thoughts in the post, it sounds like you believe she chose this for herself because she likes things that are considered feminine. I assure you that is not the case. If you wouldn't make that choice, why would she? We spend years trying to convince ourselves that we are the same gender as the sex we were born to and fail. It has very little to do with what we like or our actions. Many of us spent a lifetime doing things that specifically fit the gender of our birth sex only to find that it doesn't change who we are inside. It's not about what the world thinks. It's about what we know inside.

[spacial]

I understand your situation.

I'm sure others here can give you wonderful information. I will give you a few links so places where you can get information from other sources. I've assumed you're in the US, I'm UK. Some information will be more local for British people. I've left that out unless you need it.

http://jimcollinsfoundation.org/

http://izismile.com/2009/10/19/josie_romero_i_the_eight-year-old_girl_born_a_boy_9_pics.html

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/education/schools/lonely-road-why-school-is-hell-for-transgender-pupils-814378.html

http://www.gires.org.uk/

http://a.abcnews.com/m/story?id=3089992&sid=359

And for a bit of controversy, because I get the feeling you're quite smart so will need both sides.

http://home.surewest.net/drmilazzo/francie/therapy.html

I have a lot more stuff, but rather than overloading you now, if you look through that and tell me any areas you're interested in. Good luck and do ask anyone here if you need any more information.

That means anything. We're all here to help.

[Brooke777]

OP, you sound very supportive to me, and I commend you for making the extra effort to understand your sister. I think the others have done a very good job of describing as best as possible what it feels like. All our lives people have told us we are one way, but, in our minds we know we are not what they say we are. I would encourage you to take what you learn here and inform your sister of the work you have done to understand her. I think she will probably appreciate it and will eventually open up to you. Just keep working at it. This is a hard time for her.

[Freyja_Joro]

Well, I fit the stereotypes of "male" as well, but I know that I'm not a man

Same here, if I was born as a female I would have been a tomboy, but sadly I was born male *-_-,. I don't want to be a girl, it's that inside my mind is telling me that I am fraud, I am lying to myself and everyone by being "me". I am not male because I don't feel comfortable in my body, it has little to do, with clothing just my skin.

Don't try to understand, just support. Some people are very comfortable with talking about it, others aren't... you should see me when my mom asks me questions about it. I want to help her understand, but I can't continue thinking about that.... feeling. It really get's you down you know?