Hello,
Helen, I hope I find my way quickly, resolution would be lovely.
I can't say that I've always known I was female, all I can say is that I've always felt out of sync in some way, half a person, like my own contacts with the outside world has been mediated through a big frosty pane of glass. When i was little i attributed this to may daydreaming nature, though whenever a (really quite rare) ocassion occured when males and female were polarised, I did feel myself the wrong side of the room.
Though I had the odd wish to be female, I never thought about gender at all, even when cross-dressing I would focus on the patterns and colours rather than the gender. I lived with a rabid femenist, who could have taught me all sorts of things about gender but I was never interested.
I attributed the frosty sheet of glass to dyspraxia, a true synaptic block between thoughts and deeds, but could never have this self diagnosis confirmed by a test because it cost too much.
After university I have temporarily moved back with my parents, lovely people but oh so ordered, to a town I hate and a poorly paid job with lots of hours. I will leave again in october - but the lack of stimulation and self-worth has been truly confidence destroying. As have the fact that I seem to have 'come over' too shy to meet any new friends, so I am really alone and bored. Then 3 of my grandparents died in a space of a month, some of whom I was really, really fond of.
I was all alone and bored and grieving. So I went on a 3d chat room, and for some reason, registered my avatar as a woman. And I felt so good, talking to women as a woman, talking to men as a woman, having men tell me that they thought of me, deciding what she should wear - and never lying - except for pronouns and genital references. Even those phantom genitals were based on the ones that I'd had fantasies about. (For some reason, every time I've fantasised about 'lying' with a woman it transmogrified to 'lying' as a woman - and anytime I tried to fantasise about 'lying' with a man, it was as a woman. Weirdly, I still didn't question my gender then.)
I was surprised at my delight at being treatd female. Even though all the conversations took place through pixelated characters, I felt the plate of glass had been lowered and I was fully engaging with people.
I started to read about transgender type things and really felt it explained about what was missing in my life. I started to feel like I was a female. I started to feel the anxiety described as bein GID - But before I had looked into this, I hadn't been at all interested in gender, and hadn't really conciously identified myself as anything. I told a few friends, my parents and my sister and they all said the same thing. They all said that my typically fantasist mind had disuised all previous mental anguish as GID so I could see a wonder solution. They all thought I was kidding myself.
I said, sod 'em and went to my GP - I am now on the (infinitely large) waiting list for a gender therapist. Though one thing was true, I hadn't felt the anxiety until I discovered the problem.
I grew my hair and nails, studied women's posture and waited.
My parents initially greeted my news well, but then slid downhill. It was when my dad fixed me a glass of port and told me that if I carried on this path then I would probably not have a family.
I said sod 'em. It was not the first time my family had threatened to disown me, however it was relenting my own will and doing what they had wanted that put me in the manky town feeling more lonely than I had/have ever felt.
A few days later I first read about psychological androgeny, it highlighted all the things that I didn't see in myself abot GID. That although before I learnt about it I had exxperiened only fleeting wishes to be female, that my anxiety had all come after finding out about it. Then I saw a documentary about britain's youngest transsexual and I could not identify with her, or feel what she was doing was worth the result.
A few days later and I was walking the dog and very suddenly filled with peace and euphoria and other good things. The wish to be a woman had gone, I was back as I was, no real interest in my own gender and feeling calm and angst free.
I still talk as a woman, I still covet some of the clothes, and some of the poses and freedoms...but it is not a weight on me because I control my own mind and I can choose what bits of femininty to emulate, and I can also choose what bits of masculinity suit me also.
And I feel free.
And alone.
And I don't identify with anyone but fictional characters just as it was before.
And I really need to work out what to do with my hair.
