Hi All,
I'm Becky and I'm a 32 year old MtF transexual. My story is like so many others with the same patterns, heartaches, guilt and shame that many of you have experienced. I have known i was in the wrong body from my earliest memories. My family were naturists so I grew seeing naked bodies of every shape and size imaginable. You'd think that would make it easier and get rid of any hang-ups on body image I might have. It does a little to be honest but it also means I saw lots of naked women from babies to ladies in their 90's and of course every last one didn't have what I had between my legs!
I am sure I am the same as lots of you that flights of fancy or daydreaming as a child revolved around being a girl, or being able to be myself without anyone seeing me. Wondering what I would do if I could stop time was a good one in which I would mentally try on every outfit in a department store whilst everyone else was frozen in time. Talk about kid-in-a-sweetshop eh? I have a sister but she is a lot older than me and she had moved out by the time I was five otherwise I would have been forever in her wardrobe but I invariably raided the wash basket for clothes when my parents were out and often snuck things into my bedroom like my mothers underskirts and camisoles.
I picked up enough to know that what I did was uncomfortable at best and unnaceptable at worst with my parents and a few experiences stick out. A school xmas play when I was around six and boys were being picked to be elves. I knew they had to wear green tights and I also knew that tights were what I would try on at home. I swear I must have near fainted at thought of everybody seeing me and guessing my secret but I didn't get picked. I once, got caught by my sister when she was babysitting one night wearing a dress from the laundry basket and I still don't know if my mum and dad know about that one. There were others but my last time being caught by my parents was in my early teens which is a hard enough time without being a girl in a boys body. I will always remember my dad shouting "Is there something wrong with you? Do we need to take you to a doctor or something?". That is making me cry even typing that now because I was so frightened and looking back I will always wonder what might've been if I'd cried out that I was a girl and really been taking to the doctor. My parents are really loving so please don't think badly of them. I don't think I'll ever be able to tell him how much that hurt because I know he would be devasted if he thought had upset me so much.
I buried myself in school work after this and passed my exams as the overall highest in my year group. I had a friend who I experimented with sexually and I also crossdressed with but it was always me who wanted that and he just wanted sex as a horny teenager trying things out. I wanted to feeled love and protected and all he wanted was sex (god looking back I was always a woman!) I was never going to be small as my parents are both 6'+ but developed into a very hairy 14 stone 6'2" man. I left school for college and honestly couldn't cope. I had friends from school but I must've been so awkard looking but that I never made any friends and dropped out after a year. I grew my hair over this time until it was down my shoulders. Near the end of the year I met my first real girlfriend. We had a stormy mainly sexual relationship, she had a baby in her teens and was desperate for love and support and I was caring and looking back maternal. We roleplayed in the bedroom and more and more I opened up with fantasies of being able to swap genders. I ended up confessing that I liked to wear womens clothes and she even leant me some of hers. Unfortunately, the relationship got more volatile and we argued a lot of the time. I ended the relationship by telling her I didn't love which I was true as I had come to realise I didn't but it still hurt both of us at the time. I know she told her mother about me (she had enough to cope with without keeping that to herself) and have since learned that they thought I was gay. I cut myself off from my school friends as they were also friends with her and it was very painful.
I had to make a fresh start, I reached some real lows but was too much of a coward to ever give suicide more than a passing thought. I revert to a frightened little girl when stressed and turn into a crying foetal wreck. When I left college I applied for jobs and after a couple of months I had a temporary job with the local authority. This is were I met know people and gained a new confidence. I learnt people at work appreciated the effort I made and it felt good. I also met my wife in this time when we worked together for 3 months. We became good friends though I always wanted it to be more. She is disabled and was an inspiration with her attitude of nothing was going to beat her. My maternal caring side came out again and we became good friends then more. I cut my hair at this point to fit into my new role as a young man starting out in work. I moved out of my parents house and got my own place. I was happy at work and now in a permanent job I spent what little I had on things like bras and underwear and 'chicken fillet' breast pads. I shaved my legs and enjoyed nights laid in bed in a silk nightie.
My now wife and I became closer and closer and after a holiday abroad I pretty much never went back to my place. I was sat in her bed one night while she was in the bathroom and I put on one of her bras and waited for her to see me sat up in bed wearing it (think big white comfy bra). I suppose I wanted to gauge her reaction at the time although I acted like it was a silly game. That's when she told me that my friend form school had told her that I liked to wear womens clothes. I was distraught and didn't know what to say but she said she wanted to see me dressed up. She left me to choose some clothes from her wardrobe and I picked out a short leather skirt and white blouse to wear. I had no makeup, no wig and must've looked a really sad bastard stood there. She wasn't impressed but I had no idea what to do. We put that aside and our relationship grew stronger. She knew I had some clothes but was unconfortable with it and in my teenage years my cross-dressing had become entwind with sex and all that brings. It became dirtier and more guilt ridden than ever until she issued an ultimatum. It was her or the crossdressing. I purged like I'd never purged before and everthing I had went in the bin. I pleaded with her that it was all gone and I wanted her more. I really did and she is still my soulmate to this day nearly 12 years on. We got married in 2003 and we had a happy life her and me against the world. We are best friends and I am also her carer which fulfills a nursing side to my personality. We have never had a strong sexual relationship and we moved as her disability has got worse and we are now in a more expensive house and I have climed the ladder somewhat in my career.
Please bear with me on this, I know it's a lot but this is cathartic to write down. So here we are, roughly 18 months ago. I have always been jealous of women and liked to look at womens clothes but this grew in me again and I found myself buying the odd item of clothing, makeup etc. Self service-checkouts are a transexual's dream (when stuff isn't too light - eyeliner pencil in tesco girls!). I have built up more of a collection than I ever did 10 years ago and alll the guilt and shame that goes with it. I hair is thinning and I have put on weight and generally aged and It is scaring the crap out of me. I was in danger of being made reduandant at work next year so I decde to jump before i was pushed. The job I took was meant to be local but I had signed a contract which meant they could send me out on contracts to places. This is what brings me full circle. I hate the long commute (arounf 3hrs most days) and it has taken a real toll on our marriage. I am out for 12 hours a day and my wife is nearly housebound and gave up her job. I couldn't quit as we would lose our home so I have been applying for every job I can afford to for months. She is very lonely and although we're not materialistic, we really know now that money doesn't buy you happyness.
I have had a lot of time to think about my life driving to and from work. I have had to come to terms with how I really feel about my life and about me. In short, I love my life but hate me more by the day. I have driven in the dark dressed as a woman and my fashion tastes are now that of an adult woman and not a tart. I have lost the association with sex that my dressing had and with it the guilt is disappearing to along with a defiance rising in me that this is who I am dammit and it's no-one elses business. I am closer than ever to the real me and want to share this with my wife but I know this could end our marriage. We don't have kids but she is my dependent of sorts so It is not easy at all. No-one wants to hurt the ones they love. My grandad recently passed away and this has also played in my thoughts that I could die tomorrow and they would bury me as a man - that would kill me! I have sworn to myself that they'll never get me in a wooden box in the ground without breasts and a vagina. I have a new job so the commuting will be gone soon and life could go back to normal so easily, until I get stressed in a few years and the cycle starts again, older, balder, fatter.
So that's it, decision made. The time is now and whatever happens it can't be harder than what I have been through in my mind. I have a great family and my parents will support me even though I will always be my mum's little boy. After christmas I will be telling my wife that I am making an appointment with our doctor to be referred to a gender identity clinic and that I cannot pretend to be who I am not anymore. I will never be the prettiest, smallest, most delicate woman but I've learnt that she doesn't exist other than the impossible Ideal I have been using as an excuse not to be me. We are all different and we are all beautiful in our own way.
I have gained so much from reading these forums and others like tsroadmap and
transexual.org and I hope my story can help others as yours have help me.
All my love to you all,
Becky x
