So, how exactly are you supposed to go about explaining things?

[Liminal Stranger]

Just what it says on the tin. (Read: me making a new topic because I'm silly and too awkward to figure things out on my own.)

How do you explain being FtM to someone who just doesn't understand?
I'm trying to give my mother something tangible, because she insists that I have put it into my head that if I radically change myself, that I'll be happier. If I try to give her examples of "things that make me male", she says that I do things or think things because I'm different, not because I'm male. The dysphoria she puts off as that "I didn't want to have breasts because I didn't want to grow up".

How can I help her know that the person I see in the mirror isn't me? I can't tell her that I want to go chasing after girls, because that's a lie. Besides, she'd say I'm just a lesbian. I've tried showing her that my thought processes are male, and the pain it causes me to be called things like "young lady", but she only seems to think I'm messed up because of my family and my bad life experiences, and is only willing to help me be a girl. There is a boy inside me screaming out in rage at her words. How do I give him a voice, and advocate for him, so that she'll give me the key to unlock his cage?

Any advice, guys?

[Devlyn]

You have to unlock the cage. It's your life and you have to live it for yourself, not for your Mom. We don't need to understand someone to accept them for who they are. Hugs, Devlyn

[Anon]

She'll come around once you start transitioning and she realizes it's not just a silly phase. In the meantime, I'd suggest stressing the scientific, 'been this way since the womb because of hormone imbalances' side of things.

[Liminal Stranger]

Thanks for the replies.
See...I would very much love to live my life, but the way society would have it, I'm not allowed to start living it yet. I'm not done with schooling, and always wanted to be able to start college as a male, but it's become obvious that it won't happen.

Then there's the other issue, which was that I was pretty much okay being both a girly girl and a tomboy when I was younger. I cite the scene of so many afternoons spent in the park digging for worms wearing a pink tutu because it pretty much sums up how I used to be. Only when puberty sort of hit did any real difference between boys and girls become well-defined, and the sexes segregated physically and socially. But while my body was one way, I found my mind tipping towards the other, and they've grown further apart ever since.

I don't want to need my mother, and I know full well that she can't hold my hand when I'm older and all grown up, but I need her to know me for who I am, and I know that right now she doesn't. It's a matter of using the right words without her feeling manipulated, and I'm kind of lost on how to accomplish this.

[AdamMLP]

If you start transitioning she should see that you're happier than when you were living as female, and if she cares then that should be all that matters. I would try telling her other less obvious physical things you dislike, for me, thighs, hands and my height bothers me just as much as my chest, sometimes more. If you prefer hanging around other guys then that might be something you can add, just overwhelm her.

If she's not going to come around then you've just got to go through with it anyway, because it's you and not her that should be your main priority, and she'll be happier with you happy and male than miserable and female - or not alive at all.

[chuck]

She'll come around once you start transitioning and she realizes it's not just a silly phase. In the meantime, I'd suggest stressing the scientific, 'been this way since the womb because of hormone imbalances' side of things.

yep. This. My family took a long time to come around. They called me she for quite some time, they finally figured out how silly they sounded when I beard, deep voice and decent muscles. The world has forced you to be female, so sometimes you have to force the world to see you as male.

As far as communicating with your mother, I want to really emphasize that getting emotional will absolutely not help things. I am assuming you are quite a bit younger, and so I know this hard, but you need to act like a mature young man. Tell your mother that you want to set aside some time to speak to her about some things that are going on in your life. Ask her when  good time is for her. Figure out exactly what you are going to say, spend a few days practicing it, try to predict her questions, and then figure out the answers so that you dont feel uncertain when you sit with her. When the time comes, sit down with her and most importantly MOST IMPORTANTLY do not get emotional. When a child becomes emotional, it confirms a parents suspician of confusion and immaturity.
         If I were you, I would cover her hands with my hands, look her in the eyes and say this "Mom, I love you so much, youve done a wonderful job raising me. I am so lucky. Please do not interrupt me okay? I have something very important that I need to tell you. Mom, I know this is confusing, but I am a boy. I know it doesn't make much sense, to you right now, but just as much as you would still be a woman even if someone put your soul and mind into a man's body, I am a boy. I dont want to say anything else about this right now. I just wanted to tell you how I feel."  Then, no matter what, tell her you love her and if she asks any questions, you will think about them and answer her when you feel comfortable.  and NO MATTER WHAT she does or says or if she screams or disregards what you say, no matter what, you need to behave like a young man and tell her that you know she is upset, but that you love her. you need to leave her with the thought of her ownmind being in another body. Dont let the conversation drag on. Let her ruminate about that for awhile.

I know that was a long read, but that it could make all the difference in the world. Behaving like an adult often means you get treated like one.

[Liminal Stranger]

Thank you all for the advice, which I really do need to stick to.
I want to see a therapist, be able to tell other friends I trust (she's trying to forbid me from telling anyone and cut off my contact with anyone who knows save for my dad), have a binder- all the like, just to do something. I feel like that's what makes this so much harder than coming out in terms of sexuality; if it were just an issue of being a girl and liking girls, she'd be upset but get over it, because there'd be nothing further to be done.

I just kind of feel like it doesn't matter what I say to her, because she doesn't listen no matter what I say. She isn't screaming as much over it, so I think that's a good sign, but it seems like the only thing that will help at this point is time for her to mull it over.

But again, thank you guys. I really appreciate it.

[Biscuit_Stix]

I know that was a long read, but that it could make all the difference in the world. Behaving like an adult often means you get treated like one.

'Be the change you want to see in the world' type mentality. Works pretty well, even if you don't readily see it working. She'll think about it for a long time. I want to say she'll understand eventually, but she might not. She loves you more than anything, and she doesn't want to see you ruin your life. She has your best interests at heart, but for a parent, this is scary. Terrifying. And it means she may have been *gasp* wrong. For a parent that's practically a death knell, hahaha. Once your kid proves you wrong, oh man, what else are they going to disregard? Good advice, bad advice, what next? But that doesn't mean you're wrong, it means she loves you.

My advice? Make her a part of it. Show her, slowly, what you're hoping to achieve. Google is a wo/man's best friend. If you open her eyes to what you want to do with your life, show her that you've planned things properly, it might help. Make friends in the GLBT community, bring them home, show her you're not alone. Look up adults who have done this and had success. And be open to discussions about people who have transitioned and were wrong. If you're open to discuss both sides of the coin, it'll show you're well rounded and not blind to the negative.  But keep it civil, don't integrate emotion. And emotional teen is practically mute to an adult. Don't make it a fight, but don't give up. You're swimming upstream kid, but if salmon can make it, so can you

[Liminal Stranger]

And emotional teen is practically mute to an adult.

Man, I learned that the hard way. It's funny because she's the most stereotypical emotional, high-strung Italian imaginable, but she expects me to be devoid of emotion when I explain things. Then she tells me that psychopaths are emotionless XD It's like a Catch 22 situation.

Have to say, I agree with everything all of you have said (even though I asked in the first place). Really grateful to have found a place where I can say things about this and act like myself without being killed by an angry torch and pitchfork-wielding mob 

Though my body is in revolt in its own way lately. I've always been a bit fuzzy, but it has suddenly decided to act like that of a 12 year old boy starting puberty, which pretty much means that I have blonde hair covering my entire midsection and thicker hair on my limbs and the like. This is all with "normal" T levels...now if only the peach fuzz on my face could become a mustache!

My voice also enjoys cracking at the most embarrassing times. It's like I'm stuck in early puberty, but with a feminine body. Curse you, genetics!

[Simon]

Well, in my experience when you live under your parent's roof you're bound to the rules they set. If your mother is dead set against anything to do with being trans and has the "her child is NOT a ->-bleeped-<-" mentality there isn't an awful lot you can do. My own mother was against my own transition until I was out on my own. Then she was faced with losing her child all together by not accepting him or relearning who her child was and letting go of her preconceived notions.

I have a lot of empathy for your situation. I don't want to tell you to push things upon your mom because she may flip out and you don't need the drama. She may not accept you for a long time as a man but don't let that bring you down. Just keep pressing forward in life and when you can financially get out and start your life then do so. It'll all get better but sometimes it takes time...a lot of time.

[Carbon]

Thanks for the replies.
See...I would very much love to live my life, but the way society would have it, I'm not allowed to start living it yet. I'm not done with schooling, and always wanted to be able to start college as a male, but it's become obvious that it won't happen.

Then there's the other issue, which was that I was pretty much okay being both a girly girl and a tomboy when I was younger. I cite the scene of so many afternoons spent in the park digging for worms wearing a pink tutu because it pretty much sums up how I used to be. Only when puberty sort of hit did any real difference between boys and girls become well-defined, and the sexes segregated physically and socially. But while my body was one way, I found my mind tipping towards the other, and they've grown further apart ever since.

I don't want to need my mother, and I know full well that she can't hold my hand when I'm older and all grown up, but I need her to know me for who I am, and I know that right now she doesn't. It's a matter of using the right words without her feeling manipulated, and I'm kind of lost on how to accomplish this.

I was the same when I was younger. I liked some "masculine things," some "feminine things," and some things that kids just aren't supposed to have an interest in (collecting rocks, nutrition labels, etc). I was okay with being seen as a boy as long as I could do what I wanted, it didn't seem that big a deal. But post puberty the mind/body disconnect has been getting bigger and bigger. 

I am 22. I'm two months HRT and planning transition socially at college next year, even though I'll be done with most of it by then (a year left at that point except for maybe a couple stray classes that I have to pick up as a part timer, I'm slow going). It'll be awkward but manageable in a public university city. One of the best chances I'll have to start things off, probably.

At the end of the day I think if I had been a cis girl I wouldn't have been a girly girl who wanted to be a princess and have all the barbies. It's not who I am.

Thank you all for the advice, which I really do need to stick to.
I want to see a therapist, be able to tell other friends I trust (she's trying to forbid me from telling anyone and cut off my contact with anyone who knows save for my dad)

This is extremely controlling with a foray into the abusive in that she's trying to cut you off from a support network that could help you make sense of your feelings and move forward. I hope she comes around but you realistically have to consider the possibility that she won't and to figure out how you are going to handle things from there.

[Liminal Stranger]

Well, she is a tad overemotional, and her anger (which she says stems from love and I believe her) can lead to a bit of verbal abuse, but she's likely to come around on the support aspect. Ironically, my dad is more supportive, and he's the one that has actually not been so nice in the past. I was almost taken away from my home not too long ago for accidentally saying something about an incident- the system is a bit wonky and thinks that taking a child away from their mother who has done nothing wrong will fix the problem of a violent dad. Luckily, the social worker saw that everything checked out at home and that we were a normal (oh, the irony- my family is so dysfunctional) mother and child.

Also fortunately, her deepest fear has been openly voiced, perhaps inadvertently. During her ranting, she has mentioned multiple times about thinking that it's her fault. Right now I'm working on helping her to understand that she did not do anything wrong. I think hearing it from a therapist might do her a lot of good, because she doesn't seem to believe me. My heart breaks for her when I think about how scary it must be (she's a Roman Catholic of good faith, and often her argument against it sounds like she's replaced the word "God" with "biology" because she knows I'll shoot down a religiously-based case) for her to hear me saying this.

I'm not expecting miracles here, but patience isn't one of my strongest attributes XD
It's going to have to be if I want to maintain a relationship with her, though, and I don't think I can just cut ties with her (even when I am of legal age to be independent) after all we've been through together. Really, we're a team of sorts, and that's how we're going to tackle this, no matter how many days and pep talks it takes to get her up and going.

Glad to hear you're moving forward, Carbon! And I agree with you, Simon- this is going to take a long time.

Every story I hear of those who have made it through their journey, all the ups and downs and in betweens, gives me that strength I need to keep going when everything seems hopeless. I hold the belief that some day, with a lot of work and guidance, everything is going to work out.

[Emily Aster]

Also fortunately, her deepest fear has been openly voiced, perhaps inadvertently. During her ranting, she has mentioned multiple times about thinking that it's her fault. Right now I'm working on helping her to understand that she did not do anything wrong. I think hearing it from a therapist might do her a lot of good, because she doesn't seem to believe me. My heart breaks for her when I think about how scary it must be (she's a Roman Catholic of good faith, and often her argument against it sounds like she's replaced the word "God" with "biology" because she knows I'll shoot down a religiously-based case) for her to hear me saying this.

My mother is a very religious Methodist. She had the same reaction, thinking that it was somehow her fault. I gave her some time and reading material and the next time we spoke she was okay with it.

[Liminal Stranger]

My mother is a very religious Methodist. She had the same reaction, thinking that it was somehow her fault. I gave her some time and reading material and the next time we spoke she was okay with it.

It's a bit touch and go, since she insists on finding her own sources. Unfortunately, that leads her to find "doctors" who agree with her opinion online, so that she comes back with misinformation and then says I'm wrong. So the waiting game has to be played now...I only wish that there were some magic words that would clear up all the confusion.

She also expressly stated that her intent is not to take me to a gender therapist, but a regular one (and I'm really hoping that whatever happens, I end up going to sessions with a completely rational therapist). She also says that I will manipulate a doctor into believing me and fool them because I have an ability to "twist my words" and say the right thing.

If only the latter were true all the time, this wouldn't happen.

[sneakersjay]

Thing is, most cis people can never truly understand.  Some will get that it is a birth defect, a medical thing, (if they get the born gay thing, not a choice), and are OK.  Some never get it, but get that transition will make you happy and accept it, but they dont' understand it.  Some never understand and never accept.

My mother keeps telling me that the doctor handed me to her at birth, and told her I was a girl, and that is good enough for her.  I keep telling her the doctor was wrong.  My body may have looked like a girl's, but I was never a girl.  I just tried hard to pretend I was, but I was not.

And as nice as it is to get cards from her that say "My Son" on them, otoh she repeatedly calls me SHE, and also is fixated on the fact that because I bore kids, I am a MOM and calls me MOM all the time which literally makes me want to vomit. Then, she tells me that my surgeries were mutilation.  Yeah, you're accepting all right as you talk out of both sides of your mouth.  But I suppose it is better than outright rejection.

Jay