Feeling more female...

[Keira]

Why is it that when I am not looking at my body I feel more female; and when I do look at my body I get all dysphoric and numb?

Is it because I can't believe that I really am female inside (due to outer male expression) due to my male form?

Has this happened to anyone else?

I also feel more female when I am intoxicated...which has caused me to flirt a little too openly in the past...

Because my outer form is male I have to pretend to be a guy...while yet retaining my inner female qualities and trying to express some of them.

Apparently I know very little about myself...

-Skye

[Cindy]

Hi Honey,

This is quite common and one of the first stages as we get to accept ourselves. Gradually you will get more accustomed to your thoughts etc. Try not to drink too much, it is bad for you and liver damage may prevent you going on HRT.

Have you got a therapist to talk too?

Lots of girls start off by doing small changes like shaving body hair and painting toe nails etc. Start a beauty regime of moisturising your self and getting the eyebrows in order.

Maybe start laser to get rid of the beard. Waxing is good as well. The more 'girly' things you do the more you will start to accept your body.

[Keira]

Thanks for the advice!

I don't drink too often or too much. I do it for enjoyment; and to me "enjoyment" isn't puking and hangovers.

I actually have been shaving my legs for a couple of months and I try to wear clothing that I like (more gender-neutral/feminine). I'm going to go to a therapist when I start working full time; mostly so that I can get "certified" as transgender. But I might also get more than that out of therapy.

At this point I don't want to transition without hrt; since laser would work less efficiently (effectively being equivalent to highway robbery). Once I do transition it won't be too dramatic (so to speak) since I am more genderqueer/female. Although I am a little reluctant to get hrt due to my fear of becoming completely sexually dysfunctional. But, I might have to sacrifice that.

-Skye

[suzifrommd]

Has this happened to anyone else?

Me, me, me!

Every time I look into a mirror and see my pattern baldness and my obviously male facial features, I think "that's obviously a man. Who'd ever think you could successfully be a woman." I can get very dysphoric and pessimistic about the future and how it's all a waste of effort, etc.

Other times, when there are no mirrors in evidence, I can feel totally like a woman and that looks don't matter, it's what's inside that's important, etc.

A total roller-coaster ride.

[Edge]

Is it because I can't believe that I really am female inside (due to outer male expression) due to my male form?

Has this happened to anyone else?

I happened to me a lot except for male inside and female form. It still happens once in awhile now. A variation happens whenever I'm around people where I think they can't possibly believe me because I look like a girl and have girly mannerisms. It's embarrassing.

[Jeanette Marie]

Cindy is spot on with the advice.  When I started a daily routine of beautification I started to feel differently.  I admit I have a problem when I look at myself above the shoulders, but I know that will change too, so I will be patient.  I must present myself in male form while working, but I always have something on or with me to remind me of my true self.

I have also found comfort in being proactive. I get facials and manicures. I go to the gym and focus on the areas I want to improve. This approach has helped my self-confidence too.

I also have to remember that I've lived as a male for 53 years. It will take time to rid myself of that and become the woman I want to be. I see it as growing and a journey I want to enjoy.