Another rant....

[Jared]

Hey guys, I'm 2 months on T, and little changes already happened. I was happy with every little thing from now, and I don't know what's going on cause I started to fear from everything that related to my transition. I'm happy and scared at the same time    I know I have too much time to think which is not good cause even if everything's allright I find something that I can stress about. I always was sure that I'm not a girl and I know I can't live like that but this panic made me question my transition. I was at my psychiatrist 2 weeks ago and we talked and she said I'm gonna be fine, I can do it, it's ok to be stressed sometimes because it's a big decision. I calmed down then, but now here I am panicking again  Maybe I just realized I can be happy in the future and it's a big emotional change for me. Plus my girlfriend died a short time ago which I don't think I got completely. Sorry for this mess, I'm all alone now, couldn't tell anybody.

[eVan24]

Sounds like you are going through quite a bit right now and facing big changes alone is definitely a scary thing. It's completely normal to get scared or nervous over make big decisions and going through big changes in life, especially if you are an over thinker (I'm guilty of it myself). It's crazy how we become so accustomed to living an unhappy life that the mere idea of happiness terrifies us. Be scared all you want just don't let it keep you from getting to where you want to go. And there is no need to be sorry for needing to unload an emotional burden, that's what we are here for. We are here to support each other when it's hard to find support anywhere else.

[Squirrel698]

I'll second what eVan said and add that I think panicking is a good thing in small doses.  It shows that you are thinking and that you realize the magnitude of the decision you are making.  Both of which are excellent attributes and should serve you well.

It sounds like you know who you are.  Keep going down the road you know is best for you and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. 

I am very sorry to hear about your girlfriend.   

[Simon]

Man, I am sorry to hear about your gf. I may be wrong but could the lack of emotional support without her be bringing on these panic attacks you are experiencing about transition?

I will admit the minutes before I took my first shot I thought if I was ready for this. Not if it was the right thing to do because I know I'm a guy on the inside but if I was ready to do this puberty and look like a grown man. It is strange for me to admit because I naturally had a low cis male T range (in the 300's) before my hysto and starting T. I still haven't gone through all of the changes though (I have a raspy young boy voice and my face/weight distribution still has female features)...but still I questioned myself.

I hope you do have some sort of support system be it a friend, parent, or support group. We all need at least one person to lean on. Yes, the internet does help but it's kinda hard to hug someone through a screen.

[Jared]

I will admit the minutes before I took my first shot I thought if I was ready for this. Not if it was the right thing to do because I know I'm a guy on the inside but if I was ready to do this puberty and look like a grown man.

Yeah exactly, you just said what I didn't know how to. And yes again, maybe it doesn't do any good to my overthinking mood that no one can stand by my side like my girlfriend did. My mom supports me in emotional ways too but it's not the same and she's far away.

I'll second what eVan said and add that I think panicking is a good thing in small doses.  It shows that you are thinking and that you realize the magnitude of the decision you are making.  Both of which are excellent attributes and should serve you well.

It sounds like you know who you are.  Keep going down the road you know is best for you and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. 

I am very sorry to hear about your girlfriend.   

Does it sound like I know who I am??? I never questioned so much this before  but it's not necessary bad I hope. I heard that some guys had this issue in the "meantime". In the early stages of T they had worse dysphoria than ever, maybe that's what I'm going through.

It's crazy how we become so accustomed to living an unhappy life that the mere idea of happiness terrifies us.

I know, right? I hope it's just too much bad happened to me lately and I just need give myself some time to see clear again, and find something to do, so I can't overthink.
Thank you all for your answers, these comments made me feel a bit better.