So I need to get this off. its a vent post sorry, and its pretty long.---------------
I pretty much had one of the worst new years this year, I once had one with a guy who sended me hate mails so maybe its not the worst but closeby.
I generally dont like new years so that itself isnt a big deal.
for the night I been eating with my famely, I am unsure on how other folks cellebrate new year but here its generally something you cellebrate with food, firework and drukness together with friends. (yet I always tend to cellebrate it with my famely)
everything fine and cool, But I just can't stand it.
I haven't really been in the mood in the first place probably due to the fact im late on T so so my testrostorone level is pretty low which make me depressed just to think about.
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my famely is sweet, the food is fine, everything seams perfect but I just can't stand how they just keep calling me "she" and "her" all the time. I try to ignore it and "give them time" and such thing but, im almost 20 and I came out when I where 12 to my mom, and also spoke to my dad and brother later around 15 its not anything new.
They still call me my name but its also unisex even when I have the male pronoucing in the famely. It just makes me so angry like they cant see me.
My brother called out my name and used "he" I thought he where to learn it but then I noticed he talked about a friend with the same name, and when he went back to me he called me she again
.
I really cant deal with it, so I ran away from home which I always tend to do since I been little.
not really as ranning of this time, more like I told them I where to meet someone, (even when I hate going out new years cause im scared of fireworks), but I wasnt to meet anyone just to get away from them.
as I got out for a couple of hours, in Rain, with fireworks blowing on the grown, around 3 fights around me, blood-step on the street, police and ambulance noice, with no party or no friends, I really start to wonder why im here?
How can it be that I rather go out in the middle of the night by my own, in freezing cold, trying to sleep on the street and hopefully not getting in trouble or losing my eyes, than to be home around my famely?
but its always like this, I go around in the street for hours cause I dont wanna go home, and when I go home its more like a prison with 1 cell, toilet and food.
People say I should just correct them, and tell them to call me he, But being honest im not even sure if it would work, Its not the fact there calling me she who hurts,
its more because I cant see why it isnt obviously?
I have friends which I came out to, they asked me what name I should have, if they should call me he or she. they said it might be hard to get use to, but they would try, they did try and when they slipped they apoligized. they actually put an efford into it simple because I said I prefern it that way!
but I don't understand how I as a age of 12 can try commit suicide because I dont want to live as a girl, and go thought all what I done (which they know about) and STIL I have to confront her and keep correcting pronouce. It dosen't make sense?, I don't want to force my parrent to accept me or to say "he" when they dont want to. its like what I have done when I tried to commit suicide and my mom where forced to say that she would accept me when she didnt(but if she didnt say so I would be death).
neither do I want to go on compromis with how I should be. I always had to fight for my acceptence like. "well I accept you, but I dont want you to change your name" then I changed my name anyway and it where something like.. "well then I dont want you to get homones" bla bla bla conversation we got.
its like for everything I want, my mother is to be agenst it untill she gives up. I dont see how its acceptence it just seams like a bad loser.
My father is better with the acceptence but his usunally takes my moms side as she got more right over me.
(cause im manly living with her) also my mom is poor and sick so part of me really do want my father to take her side to suport her and such thing. I been blamming myself alot cause im not good enough. I dont feel I can suport my famely, I feel its all my fault and im just trowing them away without giving them a chance to love me, But I am just to scared of there love to accept it. I started to get very paranoid laterly, and this also the reason why I am so obsessed with moving away as soon as posible.
laterly I just been playing there card like if I where in the closet, I havent mention anything special of what I done, I had a big event of transgenderday I where to plan and got and it turned out so good but I couldnt even invite my own famely. I just have to sit pretty pretend everything is fine, just because im too tired to deal with any s*** they could come up with. that im not to "flaming my sexualety*" or whatever.
I don't know what to do exactly.
I have a friend who have a dad, his an alcoholc man. He usunally has nightmares about him and always tell me how much he hates him and want him dead, Yet he still pays visit and take the phonecalls even when it gives him nightmares afterward. I dont wanna turn out like that, but I think im already getting there.
im just pretty sad tonight
thanks for reading
