So I need to get this off. its a vent post sorry, and its pretty long.
---------------
I pretty much had one of the worst new years this year, I once had one with a guy who sended me hate mails so maybe its not the worst but closeby.
I generally dont like new years so that itself isnt a big deal.

for the night I been eating with my famely, I am unsure on how other folks cellebrate new year but here its generally something you cellebrate with food, firework and drukness together with friends. (yet I always tend to cellebrate it with my famely)

everything fine and cool, But I just can't stand it.
I haven't really been in the mood in the first place probably due to the fact im late on T so so my testrostorone level is pretty low which make me depressed just to think about.
-
my famely is sweet, the food is fine, everything seams perfect but I just can't stand how they just keep calling me "she" and "her" all the time. I try to ignore it and "give them time" and such thing but, im almost 20 and I came out when I where 12 to my mom, and also spoke to my dad and brother later around 15 its not anything new.
They still call me my name but its also unisex even when I have the male pronoucing in the famely. It just makes me so angry like they cant see me. 

My brother called out my name and used "he" I thought he where to learn it but then I noticed he talked about a friend with the same name, and when he went back to me he called me she again .

I really cant deal with it, so I ran away from home which I always tend to do since I been little.
not really as ranning of this time, more like I told them I where to meet someone, (even when I hate going out new years cause im scared of fireworks), but I wasnt to meet anyone just to get away from them.

as I got out for a couple of hours, in Rain, with fireworks blowing on the grown, around 3 fights around me, blood-step on the street, police and ambulance noice, with no party or no friends, I really start to wonder why im here?

How can it be that I rather go out in the middle of the night by my own, in freezing cold, trying to sleep on the street and hopefully not getting in trouble or losing my eyes, than to be home around my famely?

but its always like this, I go around in the street for hours cause I dont wanna go home, and when I go home its more like a prison with 1 cell, toilet and food.

People say I should just correct them, and tell them to call me he, But being honest im not even sure if it would work, Its not the fact there calling me she who hurts,
its more because I cant see why it isnt obviously?

I have friends which I came out to, they asked me what name I should have, if they should call me he or she. they said it might be hard to get use to, but they would try, they did try and when they slipped they apoligized. they actually put an efford into it simple because I said I prefern it that way!

but I don't understand how I as a age of 12 can try commit suicide because I dont want to live as a girl, and go thought all what I done (which they know about) and STIL I have to confront her and keep correcting pronouce. It dosen't make sense?, I don't want to force my parrent to accept me or to say "he" when they dont want to. its like what I have done when I tried to commit suicide and my mom where forced to say that she would accept me when she didnt(but if she didnt say so I would be death).

neither do I want to go on compromis with how I should be. I always had to fight for my acceptence like. "well I accept you, but I dont want you to change your name" then I changed my name anyway and it where something like.. "well then I dont want you to get homones" bla bla bla conversation we got.

its like for everything I want, my mother is to be agenst it untill she gives up. I dont see how its acceptence it just seams like a bad loser.

My father is better with the acceptence but his usunally takes my moms side as she got more right over me.
(cause im manly living with her) also my mom is poor and sick so part of me really do want my father to take her side to suport her and such thing. I been blamming myself alot cause im not good enough. I dont feel I can suport my famely, I feel its all my fault and im just trowing them away without giving them a chance to love me, But I am just to scared of there love to accept it. I started to get very paranoid laterly, and this also the reason why I am so obsessed with moving away as soon as posible.

laterly I just been playing there card like if I where in the closet, I havent mention anything special of what I done, I had a big event of transgenderday I where to plan and got and it turned out so good but I couldnt even invite my own famely. I just have to sit pretty pretend everything is fine, just because im too tired to deal with any s*** they could come up with. that im not to "flaming my sexualety*" or whatever.

I don't know what to do exactly.
I have a friend who have a dad, his an alcoholc man. He usunally has nightmares about him and always tell me how much he hates him and want him dead, Yet he still pays visit and take the phonecalls even when it gives him nightmares afterward. I dont wanna turn out like that, but I think im already getting there.
im just pretty sad tonight

thanks for reading

Hey bud. Sounds like a tough time. Here are some thoughts I am having.

first of all, youre lucky to have a family that wants you around. I was beaten and thrown out of the house at age 16. Dont worry, i am not trying to make this a "my life was worse competition" but i want you to keep things in perspective. They feed you, they cloth you, they seem to love you even if they cant call you "he"

It completely and utterly suuuucks that your family cant get the pronouns right. Testosterone will really help with that. Once your voice is a bit deeper or you have a bit of a beard, your family will start to come around.

How long have you been on testosterone? It took my family about 7 years from when i started testosterone to start calling me "he".

If you have a female voice and a female appearance, it is natural for them to call you she. Their entire lives they have been taught that high voice = female. Do you expect them to overcome decades of social conditioning in just a few years?

One really huge thing you can do to help you, is to find at least ONE person who will call you male 100 percent of the time. All it takes is one person (other than you) to confidently and comfortably call you "he" even if no one else does. When they hear that person calling you "he" the other people will wonder if they are the only ones who dont call you "he" it will plant a seed. If you have to invite someone along with you at every single family get together, than do it.

Keep in mind that for 20 years they have thought of you as "she" it's going to take some time for them to get used to it.

Just stay strong. And if you are twenty, why not move out of your parent's house?     

I agree with Chuck that you have a family that seems to love you. In a lot of ways transsexuals are just misunderstood. There is still a negativity associated with us and it scares our parents. Parents want their children to have the best life possible. A loving parent always wants their child to have the easy life and being a transman makes our lives exponentially complicated. Your parents may be holding onto hope that you may end up "normal". They may feel as if they call you he then they are encouraging you to follow a harder path in life.

Sometimes it takes what seems like an eternity for acceptance to occur. My own father never accepted me (even on his death bed he wouldn't). Doesn't mean that I ever stopped loving him. He was just holding onto a shell of a person. The outer layer. In time most of the people who love you will come to terms with your transition. I'm not sure if you're on T yet but it does help. It's hard for even the most prolific "haters" to call someone "she" when they're looking at a billy goat gruff,lol.

Things will get better. Stop running away. You're a twenty year old man. If you need to take a breather then do so but don't disappear and worry your family. That shows immaturity. If they believe you're still immature they're not going to take you or your transition seriously. You're going to make it. Keep holding on and moving forward. Before you know it what bothers you now will be replaced by different problems. There will always be problems...that's life. Just remember that most things are solved with patience, persistence, and time.

I am on T and it didnet help. I pass in public, I got a deep voice and start to grow facial hair even when we dont have much facial hair in my famely blood, also I my friends call me He, and the people from my school when im there.
I been on T for around a year + and half something like this and I had top surgery.

and I really feel I been giving them time, but I honestly think 20 years of time is too much. I already getting paranoid now. and somethimes I had thoughts of killing my mom.
---
As I said I got out when I where 12, I came out in a suicide attemt, and had ran away several times from home. I got sent to a special hospital who "threats transexual" but what they do isnt to treat transexuals, they threat them badly. they refused me because I where too young and I couldnt not prove I where a "true transexual" cause I didnt had sex with my current boyfriend back then, even when I was suicidal. they jugde you overall and if your talking agenst them they will just cut you out and make your life hard.

I had to travel to germany for surgery and go to privat doctors for homones, Now in 2013 the law might change so I will need to go to UK for homones and the hospital I mention above try to make it illigal to get homones besides for them.
(but this is another story.)
------------
I moved back to the city in first place cause I needed money so I could move out.
I cant move out now because I dont have money and I dont have a job and due to Economic crise in EU its pretty hard to get that. I am in a course where they will try to help me get in job and I want to ask them if they can give me a job in another country with ok trans rights, but I dont know if it will be posible before a year.

Another reason I havent moved out have been cause my mom have been ill and I feel responsible for her.

I might be immature but im also raised that im not worth anything since I was put on hospitals since I been small to dignose what "wrong with me"
I had to fight to prove to my mom that im good enough and I can do what my friend can do all the time, and more, Now i'm just tired of fighting and proving and I am getting exhausted, I got pretty ill and thin laterly and I just pretend to be somebody ells which she is satifyed with and love so she wont get any wierd idears. beside they dont really get worried I just say I am with a friend or someone so they think thats what im doing.