Calling you by your name

[aleon515]

I went to see my sister over the holidays. It wasn't entirely pleasant, and one thing I knew right off from emails, was that she didn't want to use my name. I don't go by my given name at all anymore. Most people use my initials and I use Jay in a few instances (trans group, here, etc). I didn't even try this as I didn't come out to her (yet) and she is a tough nut, being right wing conservative and a fundamentalist Christian.

Anyway, I asked her in email to call me by my initials and she didn't even in the email so I knew it was going to be a problem as I sign my name right there. My friends all use my initials and sometimes make some mistakes but are very nice about it. Of course these are FRIENDS.

When I was there she didn't make the attempt. I couldn't figure out, since mostly I am assertive, why I was so hestitant to call her out and then I recalled the emails. It was like she just ignored them. We went to a party, where I said I wanted to be called by my initials. Anyway her friend was great, just like mine were and I think  my sister was a bit shamed, as she said basically that she couldn't be bothered with this as she has known me X years (I'm older than a lot of you) and that it is just too hard for her and I shouldn't even expect this. Anyway at the party, she did end up introducing me as my initials but I think it was like her friend looked at her like "what's the big deal".

I was so happy to get home to my real name. Almost felt like I could lose myself being around her too long, which seems odd I think. Also feel like coming out to her (which I will do in snail mail) is going to be harder than I thought, and I thought it would be hard.

In the movie "Call me Malcolm" which is real life story of a FTM, he talks about not being called by your name doesn't tie your past self and present self together. I guess I know what he means.


--Jay

[Brooke777]

I'm sorry she is giving you so much trouble over it. I bet that is really hard. I have a hard time when someone slips and calls me by my old name. I can't imagine how upset I would be if they did it on purpose. I hope all goes well for you when you finally do come out to her.

[suzifrommd]

Jay, I wonder if it would help if some 3rd party explained to your sister about why calling you your correct name is important. Seems she doesn't want to hear it from you.

[aleon515]

Jay, I wonder if it would help if some 3rd party explained to your sister about why calling you your correct name is important. Seems she doesn't want to hear it from you.

It's a good idea. It seems like she tried harder when she saw thought someone else was bothered by her laziness. I thought her friend thought she was being stupid. It might be a moot point as she might have nothing more to do with me after I transition.

Thanks Brooke, I don't find it so hard (yet) if someone slips and then corrects. I usually correct people and am very assertive about it. Usually people are VERY apologetic. The hardest thing is when I realized how intentional she was about it.

I wonder if she figured out something was up on a sort of subconscious level. I think a lot of people are reading me a bit different (even though I didn't quite dress as male as I usually do-- I noticed at the party I wore EXACTLY what the older guy was wearing). I think sometimes people know without actually knowing. So there may (or may not) be something else up with this.



--Jay