How did you do it?

[zelda]

Misato33
I have looked into about
MTF giving birth and periods
with modern medical procedures
MTF can give birth and have periods
when they get a uterus made with their own stem cells
so it wont get rejected by the body
but that is much more expensive than just the regular SRS
so the argument about we cant be a real lady because we cant give birth or have periods
is coming to an end

[hazel]

I've never consciously come out like most other posters on this thread but FWIW you may find it's not really news to anyone who knows you.


When I was 6 I told my mum I wanted to be a girl.  She told me she knew but please don't go on about it. So I kept as quiet about it as I could partly because I assumed my parents knew and sooner or later this mistake would be corrected but mostly because from then on my relationship with my father (a doctor and bit of an amateur psychologist) went downhill fast.

Fast forward a few decades and I have an epiphany that the only thing that fits with how bad I feel appears to be that I am transgender. I have a mini-breakdown and then write to my parents, not to say that I am transgender (because I am still waiting to find out if that is it or if something else might be happening), but to say that I am going to see a psychiatrist because I feel like I am losing touch with reality.  I didn't tell them it was the psychiatrist at the gender clinic and I didn't tell them that most of these problems are gender related.

Anyway soon after getting the e-mail my father starts to say I'll have to be careful of osteoporosis and I have no idea what his is on about because I haven't even considered hormone treatment. Slowly I think back on my past and suddenly lots of things fit into place. I realise they KNOW I am transgender but I also realise they have spent my entire life steering me away from that realisation. OK, they have knowingly let me live in confusion & misery for years because, I imagine, for them it is easier than what they think is the alternative and now we are in some kind of cold war until the outcome of the gender clinic appointment and I trusted these people and I feel like such an idiot.


BUT,  yes, the positive point - you may find this dark secret you think you're hiding is already perfectly obvious to everyone who really matters and they have just been waiting/ needing you to tell them.

That's rough I hope your parents come around to the change you are going to go through, at the very least they owe you one massive apology. As for the positive point, I kind of had this experience already when I came out about my sexuality, I say kind of, because the reactions ranged between "really? no way" to "well duh! of course you're gay". So I honestly have no idea what kind of vibe I'm giving off   well I hope you're right anyway, would certainly make it easier if it wasn't new information to them.

[Zumbagirl]

@Zumbagirl, thank you for sharing your story, it sounds like you had to work every step of the way to make your real self a reality, I can see I've got quite a lot to learn ahead of me! I can't believe they fired you tho! I'm afraid my ignorance on the law in those cases is also quite glaring (well, I've seen Philadelphia ^^ not that that's exactly the same situation), was there any legal recourse you could have taken and did you? It sound's like it was definitely all worth it in the end tho, you sound very happy with your life now

I don't want to derail your thread, but here's my response:
To understand my situation you have to put it in historical context. In 2000, there were no protections at all for people who transition. Heck I was even working for a company that had a perfect 100 HRC score and that didn't matter.  I guess coming out as a gay or lesbian back then may have been heroic, but coming out as trans was still weirding people out.  That's why today I really don't care about HRC's grades and scores. They mean nothing, In those days there were a few public cases about people who transition and I even talked to someone who sued and won a case of discrimination. But I didn't pursue going after them for the following reasons:
   1). It's public and I would be outing myself to the world in a very public way and I didn't want that. I didn't want to see my name dragged in the mud like I was some kind law suit opportunist. Years later it's still possible to do a search on google over lawsuits and my name would come up or case. The people who fight will have their old name splattered on websites that will hang on to those stories for years and years, maybe forever.
   2). I still wanted to work and didn't want to be blacklisted or worse not be able to find a job. It's too easy for back ground check companies to do google searches, criminal/civil checks, etc.
The people I know who sued didn't get that much money. It seemed like a lot when the check came around, but for the lifetime of lost income it was a drop in the bucket for me. So I let it be. I think it turned out better in the end. The people who canned me, were later on themselves canned, so there is  justice, even if it's a day late.

[Elspeth]

Misato33
I have looked into about
MTF giving birth and periods
with modern medical procedures

Not that it will help me personally (I don't want to give birth at my age, it wouldn't be fair to the child). But it will be interesting to see how this develops. We don't tend to discuss the desire to bear children much, since it hasn't been a real option in the past and I suspect is something that causes those of us who wanted that a lot of pain, most of it unmanageable and not easily resolved by simply talking about it.

I'd like to see links on what's happening here, as I haven't seen much on this yet that's more than speculative or a distant possibility. But I would like to see more discussion of it, when others are ready to get into that, and it's not just a source of unwanted emotional turmoil.

[Elspeth]

My money is on there's no diffusing this one.  I tried coming out 10+ years ago and that did not go well.  She went through the motions of being accepting back then but her actual effort was all applied toward dissuading me.  In the intervening years, she's found this love of simplicity to the point I've come to loathe the word "simple", and her religion (evangelical Christian) has really taken over her life.

It's funny how rigid religious thinking can get in the way of genuine compassion. There's something deeply wrong with many forms of contemporary (so-called) Christianity -- not a lot of Christ there, or the Virgin Mary.

Probably not a good strategy to go into that whole virgin birth thing with her, even though in some ways it might actually be a jumping off point in discussing this with some Christians.

I have to wonder whether she isn't in some kind of deep denial or feeling that she is somehow the cause of your condition, and that struggling against it in this way is how she copes with that? Impossible to say, of course, when I've never met her, and can't get a bead on what is driving her willingness to create a wedge between herself and her child.

One of the other recent posts in this thread reminded me, though, that these things seem to go better when everyone focuses more on feelings than on explanations or negotiations. (Granted, in this culture that often works better with women than with men, especially men my age or older).

There was a time when I would have invested a lot of energy into trying to give people an education in the state of medical research and such, but I spent a huge amount of time researching that stuff myself, and it didn't really give me much peace... it is what it is, and the best outcome seems to come once those I care about can see that I'm just much happier being out with them and that what I was before was mostly a shell of a human being, in hiding and largely hidden by that artifice I'd created to "protect" myself from harm but also from any real connections. There's rarely much point in trying to explain or justify my existence, unless it's with someone who is actually curious about and open to rethinking that part of the story.

[Misato]

I have to wonder whether she isn't in some kind of deep denial or feeling that she is somehow the cause of your condition, and that struggling against it in this way is how she copes with that? Impossible to say, of course, when I've never met her, and can't get a bead on what is driving her willingness to create a wedge between herself and her child.

One of the other recent posts in this thread reminded me, though, that these things seem to go better when everyone focuses more on feelings than on explanations or negotiations. (Granted, in this culture that often works better with women than with men, especially men my age or older).

The therapist we went to said something could have happened in the womb that could have caused this.  That put my mom on the defensive right quick.  I'll add to that, do I think that she might be in the closet herself on some level about something?  I think there is a non-zero chance.  There's the whole "what will the neighbors/congregation think?" angle too.  She wanted to bail on my dad so she could be with them the day after he had hernia surgery.  She seems to seek praise.

I'm so on board with the feelings approach. I'm not broken after all.  I'm also thankful I had this path in front of me.  The letter I just finished emphasizes that.  With some explanation why she's finding out so late. 

But it's time.  I go full time on Friday and it'd be worse I think to tell her after that.

[Beverly]

The therapist we went to said something could have happened in the womb that could have caused this.

Mine was even more definite and came right out and said "This is a congenital defect that occurred when you were still in the womb. This is not your fault or anyone else's fault, this is simply the hand that Mother Nature has dealt you".

But it's time.  I go full time on Friday and it'd be worse I think to tell her after that.

Indeed.

[Jennygirl]

Sorry this post turned out a lot longer than I initially planned, skip to the bottom line part if you just want my main point

I would venture to say the first person you come out to is definitely the hardest (yourself). Then the first other person you tell is probably going to be still very hard because it's such new ground talking about it with anyone but yourself. But after that (and you start to get some supporters + positive experiences from telling people - - which WILL happen) it will become much much easier as others have said. You will find a rhythm with it.

I still haven't come out to ALL of my extended friends yet, but I've told about 30 or so of the close ones individually (it's a big group!), as well as my mom and step dad. It's really easy for me now, I don't even get nervous or pre-defensive describing my decisions about transition anymore. I just know that I want to tell everyone eventually and I look for opportunities to pull friends aside to have a nice chat with them and tell them something about myself that they didn't know. It's your chance to re-write history in a way

I have come to realize how blessed I am to have such an extremely accepting and forward thinking group of friends (and parents too!). I know that some aren't always fortunate enough to have that Maybe I was just lucky in that department, but it seems like we all might assume the worst at first (I know I did) and it makes for some very nervous awkward initial conversations which could lead to potential downfalls. Try not to let nervousness or anxiety get to you, it will pass as you gain experience hand crafting your story for each specific scenario. Expect to be uncomfortable at first, but most importantly always try to show happiness about who you are... you are so very strong and beautiful for having the courage to even come out to yourself alone.

BOTTOM LINE
Exuding happiness and positivity about your future during the conversation is a major catalyst for acceptance. If you can see it from the side that being trans is not a curse and rather that you can finally be your true self, they will most likely be happy for you, too- if not totally stoked that you would share such a deep rooted thing with them. There are definite red flags to watch out for such as religion and/or homophobic tendencies, but I think on the whole people generally just want you to be happy.

[Misato]

Well OP, here's a happy update for you.

I sent my e-mail off before work this morning and didn't check my e-mail again until I got to my therapy appointment where I read for the first time,

"Hi Paige,"

Written by my mother!  I told her in the e-mail she had until Thanksgiving 2013 to adjust, yet, there it was.

So, how do you do it?  You suck up the courage, prepare for the worst, then sit amazed as things go better than you dared ever to dream.

[hazel]

Well OP, here's a happy update for you.

I sent my e-mail off before work this morning and didn't check my e-mail again until I got to my therapy appointment where I read for the first time,

"Hi Paige,"

Written by my mother!  I told her in the e-mail she had until Thanksgiving 2013 to adjust, yet, there it was.

So, how do you do it?  You suck up the courage, prepare for the worst, then sit amazed as things go better than you dared ever to dream.

Ah gongratz! sounds like she's coming around

[hazel]

Sorry this post turned out a lot longer than I initially planned, skip to the bottom line part if you just want my main point

I would venture to say the first person you come out to is definitely the hardest (yourself). Then the first other person you tell is probably going to be still very hard because it's such new ground talking about it with anyone but yourself. But after that (and you start to get some supporters + positive experiences from telling people - - which WILL happen) it will become much much easier as others have said. You will find a rhythm with it.

I still haven't come out to ALL of my extended friends yet, but I've told about 30 or so of the close ones individually (it's a big group!), as well as my mom and step dad. It's really easy for me now, I don't even get nervous or pre-defensive describing my decisions about transition anymore. I just know that I want to tell everyone eventually and I look for opportunities to pull friends aside to have a nice chat with them and tell them something about myself that they didn't know. It's your chance to re-write history in a way

I have come to realize how blessed I am to have such an extremely accepting and forward thinking group of friends (and parents too!). I know that some aren't always fortunate enough to have that Maybe I was just lucky in that department, but it seems like we all might assume the worst at first (I know I did) and it makes for some very nervous awkward initial conversations which could lead to potential downfalls. Try not to let nervousness or anxiety get to you, it will pass as you gain experience hand crafting your story for each specific scenario. Expect to be uncomfortable at first, but most importantly always try to show happiness about who you are... you are so very strong and beautiful for having the courage to even come out to yourself alone.

BOTTOM LINE
Exuding happiness and positivity about your future during the conversation is a major catalyst for acceptance. If you can see it from the side that being trans is not a curse and rather that you can finally be your true self, they will most likely be happy for you, too- if not totally stoked that you would share such a deep rooted thing with them. There are definite red flags to watch out for such as religion and/or homophobic tendencies, but I think on the whole people generally just want you to be happy.

No worries about the length of your post believe me, I've been thinking about this all so much recently that anything I can read up about it I have fortunately I also have forward thinking friends and its with them I'm definitely going to come out about this to first. Really I'm just stalling at this point, but the longer I spend on here and the more successful story's like your own I read the more it starts to seem possible, so thank you

[hazel]

I don't want to derail your thread, but here's my response:
To understand my situation you have to put it in historical context. In 2000, there were no protections at all for people who transition. Heck I was even working for a company that had a perfect 100 HRC score and that didn't matter.  I guess coming out as a gay or lesbian back then may have been heroic, but coming out as trans was still weirding people out.  That's why today I really don't care about HRC's grades and scores. They mean nothing, In those days there were a few public cases about people who transition and I even talked to someone who sued and won a case of discrimination. But I didn't pursue going after them for the following reasons:
   1). It's public and I would be outing myself to the world in a very public way and I didn't want that. I didn't want to see my name dragged in the mud like I was some kind law suit opportunist. Years later it's still possible to do a search on google over lawsuits and my name would come up or case. The people who fight will have their old name splattered on websites that will hang on to those stories for years and years, maybe forever.
   2). I still wanted to work and didn't want to be blacklisted or worse not be able to find a job. It's too easy for back ground check companies to do google searches, criminal/civil checks, etc.
The people I know who sued didn't get that much money. It seemed like a lot when the check came around, but for the lifetime of lost income it was a drop in the bucket for me. So I let it be. I think it turned out better in the end. The people who canned me, were later on themselves canned, so there is  justice, even if it's a day late.

I see, that makes sense, I guess I wasn't thinking about the additional consequences for you if you had tried to get even in some way, glad it worked out best for you in the end.

[hazel]

Told a close female friend of mine last night, could not possibly have been more supportive and great about it 

[Misato]

Oooohhhhh!  I'm so happy for you!

[Jennygirl]

Told a close female friend of mine last night, could not possibly have been more supportive and great about it 

Good for you! Yes!!! Super duper glad to hear #1 went so well!

[hazel]

Thanks Misato and Jenny ^^