How did you do it?

[Elspeth]

I have also had that sort of comment from both friends and relatives. One friend even went so far as to say that she really preferred me as I am now as opposed to my old male persona. I am frequently amazed by how supportive people have been.

I can't stress enough how helpful such comments are when they come. I don't want to give others a vote in my sense of identity, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that having this kind of affirmation is a huge boost in terms of accepting that, whatever the compromises are that may still exist and some may be unfixable, this kind of thing gives a huge boost in knowing that I'm doing what's right for me, and in the long run, what's right for those I love, simply by becoming more the person in public that has always been there in my feelings and self image at some deep, deep level.

[BunnyBee]

One thing I have learned from the coming out process is people are amazing .

I think if you are too nervous to talk to people, and you are a decent writer, emails can work great. My advice is just to keep it short and sweet as possible and be very positive and full of love, then let the other person take control of the conversation.  That way you only answer the questions they actually have and don't overwhelm them with a novel of gobbledygook.  I think the same applies for face to face conversations.

One other thing, make sure you are ready and you have a relatively clear idea of where things are going before telling people.   That is my opinion anyway.

[Kevin Peña]

One other thing, make sure you are ready and you have a relatively clear idea of where things are going before telling people.   That is my opinion anyway.

Yeah, I always had an escape route to run, if needed. 

[Elspeth]

One thing I have learned from the coming out process is people are amazing .
... just to keep it short and sweet as possible and be very positive and full of love, then let the other person take control of the conversation.  That way you only answer the questions they actually have and don't overwhelm them with a novel of gobbledygook.  I think the same applies for face to face conversations.

Great advice! When do I  level up enough to start giving you reputation boosts?

[Beverly]

My advice is just to keep it short and sweet as possible

I agree with this

and be very positive and full of love,

Indeed. I also strongly emphasized the medical aspects of this. It gives friends and family something to hold on to when they read that this is a recognised medical condition, not a lifestyle choice. I mentioned the psychological evaluations, the clinical revues and the fact that the process takes years. This reassured people that I was not going to be running around in a taffeta ballgown with a falsetto voice with silicon boobs the next time they saw me. Ridiculuos as it sounds, that is the sort of image that many people have of transexulism. So reassure them.

[peky]

An excellent piece posted by a woman in my group

That was beoutifu, touching, and even funny. Thank you for the link Joanne!!!

oo

P

[hazel]

Wow! Thanks for the reply's everyone, wasn't expecting this much feedback  ^_^ I guess it's a subject that's weighed heavily on everyone here at some point or other.

Actually should have mentioned that I have kind of come out about it to one other person before, but while I was pretty intoxicated. I remember she was very positive about it but I quickly recanted when I sobered up the next morning and tried to put it down to being drunk, we've since largely fell out of contact due to moving about. So this still feels like coming out about it for the first time right now, even if technically it's not.

Since you all took the time to write and since I've been thinking about this a lot over the last week I'll attempt to respond to everyone here. Hmm this could make for a lengthy post.

@Peky, I know, it took me long enough to post it somewhat anonymously on a message board, I think I know a few people who would definitely react favorably, some (extended family) I'm certain would not, but mostly I'm apprehensive about the rest who might be shocked and think of me as weird from then on.  That thought bothers me more than outright hostility for some reason.

@OBrien, good tactic I could try to fem up my appearance a bit first as a way to break the ice ^^

@Reinhaven, nice to meet you luckily I do have some female friends that I'm quite close to, I just don't see them nearly as much as my male ones, but when I can I think I'll definitely start with them for some of the reasons you gave. It's really just a case of building up the courage to do it at this point. I'm also incredibly lucky that my parents are very liberal on the topic, so I know I'm fortunate to have this much going for me there.

@Diana, all of them at once? yikes! I hope that went well, a one on one conversation is frightening enough at the moment thanks, you will have to teach me how to go into a trance tho

@Admin, I'm almost certain drunk is how I will eventually do it, it's how I came out about my sexuality, and thank you  ^^

@Annah, what witchcraft is this 0_0 seriously amazing transformation! wearing woman's clothing or makeup in public is pretty much unthinkable to me right now, that must have taken a lot of guts, glad it paid of for you ^^

@Ausbelle, part of me kind of wishes that would happen, someone else spreading the news (or someone I know stumbles across the pics of me I posted on here), just so that I don't have to go through doing to much of the outing myself. Then again another part hopes nobody I know ever goes near these forums 0_0

@Kelly, I get that completely, because I had much the same experience coming out as bisexual (sans the facebook post, probably 70% of people who know me know about that now). Well it is some comfort to know every step won't be as hard as the first.

@Malachite, I do like the idea of dropping it into the conversation as casually as possible, much more than some grand statement.

@Bev2, writing out my thoughts on it might not be a bad idea actually, even if its just practice at this point, with the exception of writing this I tend to just let my thoughts stew in my head. Ah I can't wait until the thought of telling someone inspires boredom in me rather than fear

@JoanneB, if all else fails I may try the Dr Seuss method of coming out ^^

@Zumbagirl, thank you for sharing your story, it sounds like you had to work every step of the way to make your real self a reality, I can see I've got quite a lot to learn ahead of me! I can't believe they fired you tho! I'm afraid my ignorance on the law in those cases is also quite glaring (well, I've seen Philadelphia ^^ not that that's exactly the same situation), was there any legal recourse you could have taken and did you? It sound's like it was definitely all worth it in the end tho, you sound very happy with your life now

@Misato33, That point, the no big deal stage seems a long way off yet, hope it comes sooner rather than later!

@Emily, you just made me kind of glad I didn't actually say anything the other night, I probably would have been a stuttering mess when the follow up questions came, hope telling your friend goes well.

@Tristan, Glad everything ended up well for you but I do hope I can skip the drama that might come, I just want the coming out to pass and have the whole thing become a distant memory.

@Elspeth, what a unique situation, you and your son have your own mini support group in each other I haven't even ventured as far as dressing androgynous, infact being somewhat repressed on two fronts (gender and sexuality) I always tended to gravitate to the least showy and dark clothes I could find, I've at least starting wearing some brighter colours now Baby steps indeed.

@Jen, thanks, I do have some amazing people in my life luckily and I'm fairly shy in person so I don't think letting them take control of the conversations going to be a problem

Was just thinking, I used to have a female friend who took to jokingly (but definitely affectionately) referring to me by a female name, when she started doing it in font of mutual male friends I (to save face) pretended that I didn't like it, when inside I don't think I'd ever been so happy, ouch how pathetic is that  :/ 

Ok thanks again for the reply's everyone some really useful advice in there

edit: Eek! I use smileys far to much

[Kevin Peña]

@Diana, all of them at once? yikes! I hope that went well, a one on one conversation is frightening enough at the moment thanks, you will have to teach me how to go into a trance tho

Well, it did go well. Some examples of how to go into a trance-like state.

1. Think about cartoons or anything equally entertaining. 
2. Sing "We Didn't Start the Fire" or any other difficult song in your head while you talk. You'll be more focused on the song than your anxiety. 
3. Think about James Denton or some other hot guy. 

PS--> There ain't such a thing as too many smileys. 

[hazel]

@Diana, Haha I can just see their reaction now "well that's very interesting, you being trans, but why are you humming showtunes under your breath and is it just me or do you look horny right now too?" 

[Kevin Peña]

Well, their reaction was just, "Okay." That was the end of it.

[hazel]

That's what I'm hoping for

[zelda]

it was back in seventh grade
at a church camp when someone first brought up me being trans
we talked alot
became best friends
I started making many friends because they knew i was trans
i never really had a problem with telling my friends that i was trans
the only down side it I got in alot of fight is middle school because of it
with many days of suspension when the bullies got nothing
i even lost some teeth
but none of that mattered
I had true friends
it wasnt until i decided to tell my parents did i have trouble
I didnt tell them until my senior year in high school
and they brought me *ell because of it
they didnt want me to go this way
and did nothing to support me
not even get me a therapist for my depression
the thing I learned is friends are easy to tell
because they come and go
but family is hard to tell
because they dont come and go
they are always there
just hope they are on your side

but no matter  what anyone says
if you fallow your heart
happiness will always fallow

may the world see us for our true beauty

[EmmaMcAllister]

Well, I first came out, sorta, when I was 16-17ish. My mother asked me on three separate occasions if I was gay. The first two times, I just denied denied denied. By the third time I was getting frustrated and admitted I was bisexual, a half truth that protected my big secret. To this day, I don't know what tipped her off.

I told a few other people that I was bi, but mostly kept to the closet out of fear that my father would find out. By the beginning of 2012, my gender dysphoria was driving me insane. My coping mechanisms began to fail, and I could barely focus on anything else. By the spring I started therapy. This was actually my second attempt to seek professional help, as I had an appointment with a psychiatrist two years earlier but was told to see a psychologist. In Ontario, psychiatrists are covered but psychologists are not, so I just let it lie until I couldn't anymore.

I don't believe in coming out to a group of people. There's too much of a risk of being ganged up on. So I started with my mother by first telling her I was in therapy and arranging time to privately talk. This allowed her to "prepare", so to speak. Unable to hold onto the secret, she outed me to my father a week later. I was mad at the time, but I'm not sure I would have been able to tell him myself.

My cousin/best friend was told while we were getting stoned. My grandmother (who lives with us) was told via email because it was hard to find a time we were alone. As for everyone else I know, I'm making a "coming out" website that I'll share before I go full time.

[Elspeth]

I don't believe in coming out to a group of people.

Ordinarily, and with any other group than the one I came out to, I'd agree. This group was and is very special, and very, very affirming. It's also a group with fairly large gay and lesbian component, and mostly very liberal, human rights concerns at its core. It also now has an increasingly visible trans membership, even more than what they saw this week, as I'm finding out, as people come out to me in private.

It was nearly certain that I wouldn't be ganged up on here, though there was concern about my presenting as I did in  a more general space, and some unspecified concerns about the challenges I know lie ahead in terms of wider acceptance, especially if I remain highly visible as trans, rather than being more and more able to do something like stealth.

And with family and intimate partners it can also get more complicated, as these are people whose lives are going to be affected by your decisions, and they have some right to be concerned about the practical impacts, though at some point they will just need to find their own peace and bliss with your journey, or risk losing you and you them.

It's important, though, to think through one's coming out, which it's clear you're doing in a very responsible and clear headed way, based on what you know about family and friends. I might want to borrow that website idea, considering that I have over 100 first cousins, many of whom I'm not likely to see in person, and I don't think I'd want to just show up at a family Christmas party or some other big event without taking my mom's feelings into consideration, and planning out some way to make it less awkward.

Then again, where my son is concerned, I'm not sure I'm going to get much of a vote on how he does it. He's fairly impatient to just get this over with as fast as he can, and move on to better, more interesting things... he went through a lot of depression and anxiety already, that sounds a lot like what you've shared in terms of needing therapy and coping strategies, and an active plan to get past being stuck in the wrong gender.

[Misato]

When I came out at work it was to the group and I did prepare, speech written and everything.  My only complaint was everyone came up to me right afterward to congratulate me so fast I couldn't keep up with my thank yous!

That was also when I began to emphasize how my transition is a positive thing.  I wore it too much like a burden before.

Now we'll see how my tune changes next week.  Coming out to the M.O.M. is penciled in for Monday.  She has a history of not taking this well.

[Elspeth]

Now we'll see how my tune changes next week.  Coming out to the M.O.M. is penciled in for Monday.  She has a history of not taking this well.

I'm pretty ambivalent about bringing other people into a one-to-one conversation, but in the case of a mom who might be making this about her own issues, would it be possibly useful to bring in a third party? Either some sort of counselor/relationship therapist, or just someone you both respect, who doesn't share your joint baggage?

Just a thought from someone who obviously doesn't know your mom or what her issues are likely to be (or have been).

[BunnyBee]

I don't believe in coming out to a group of people. There's too much of a risk of being ganged up on.

I've come out to two at once a few times.  The one that scared me the most was the time I told one of my friends sort of in passing what was going on via text so then he took it upon himself to tell another one of my really close friends, and then they were like, "let's have dinner and talk about this."  I was like, ohhhhh crap, this is an intervention situation eeeep eep eep! and I braced for a nightmare of a night, two against one, all of that stuff.  I was freaking out!

So they came over to my place like a week later and omg first time they saw me as a woman, the look on their faces was absolutely priceless lol.  I hope I never forget it.  It was like poof! instant understanding.  It turned out to be one of the coolest nights of my life.  There were definitely a lot of tears, especially when they decided to have like a moment to say goodbye to the person they had always thought I was.  But hard as that was, it was really touching too.

These were both guys I had been really depressed about because I had written them off as not being able to handle this news and I was going to just let them fade out of my life and was never going to tell them.  It goes to show you never can tell how people will react.

[Henna]

I've come out to my gf and to my grandmother. To my gf I wrote two letters and I think that it didn't go too well, as I couldn't really explain myself too clearly.

With my grandmother I just told her how I feel and felt for as long as I can remember. She was really accepting and telling me, that I have to be the person that I feel I am, as hiding myself wont cause anything other than problems. I'm also really glad that I discussed with her, as she could confirm my childhood memories, which I have thought not to be true, due to being so young.

I'm still planning to tell my aunt face to face. My father unfortunately I really cannot tell face to face, but I will send a letter sometime before I go full time. I know my father wont accept or understand this at all and our relationship will be completely over. I also don't have the strength to argue with him or in worst case, fear for my safety, thus I will send a letter when the time is right.

[Anna]

I've never consciously come out like most other posters on this thread but FWIW you may find it's not really news to anyone who knows you.


When I was 6 I told my mum I wanted to be a girl.  She told me she knew but please don't go on about it. So I kept as quiet about it as I could partly because I assumed my parents knew and sooner or later this mistake would be corrected but mostly because from then on my relationship with my father (a doctor and bit of an amateur psychologist) went downhill fast.

Fast forward a few decades and I have an epiphany that the only thing that fits with how bad I feel appears to be that I am transgender. I have a mini-breakdown and then write to my parents, not to say that I am transgender (because I am still waiting to find out if that is it or if something else might be happening), but to say that I am going to see a psychiatrist because I feel like I am losing touch with reality.  I didn't tell them it was the psychiatrist at the gender clinic and I didn't tell them that most of these problems are gender related.

Anyway soon after getting the e-mail my father starts to say I'll have to be careful of osteoporosis and I have no idea what his is on about because I haven't even considered hormone treatment. Slowly I think back on my past and suddenly lots of things fit into place. I realise they KNOW I am transgender but I also realise they have spent my entire life steering me away from that realisation. OK, they have knowingly let me live in confusion & misery for years because, I imagine, for them it is easier than what they think is the alternative and now we are in some kind of cold war until the outcome of the gender clinic appointment and I trusted these people and I feel like such an idiot.


BUT,  yes, the positive point - you may find this dark secret you think you're hiding is already perfectly obvious to everyone who really matters and they have just been waiting/ needing you to tell them. 

[Misato]

I'm pretty ambivalent about bringing other people into a one-to-one conversation, but in the case of a mom who might be making this about her own issues, would it be possibly useful to bring in a third party? Either some sort of counselor/relationship therapist, or just someone you both respect, who doesn't share your joint baggage?

My money is on there's no diffusing this one.  I tried coming out 10+ years ago and that did not go well.  She went through the motions of being accepting back then but her actual effort was all applied toward dissuading me.  In the intervening years, she's found this love of simplicity to the point I've come to loathe the word "simple", and her religion (evangelical Christian) has really taken over her life.

For other coming outs, sure, a third party could be a big help.  But this one of mine-- she did come to a therapy session back in the day where she spent most of the time saying gems like, "[my male name] can't be a woman!  He can't have a period or give birth to babies!"  I wouldn't put it past her to use the chromosome argument.

She believes whole heartedly in the whole, "Love the sinner, hate the sin" claptrap.  In the case of being trans or gay, where these things are an innate part of your identity, I do not believe you can pick and chose where to apply your love or your hate.  There will be bleed over.

I sense a trip to the Gym!  Followed by some pasta in my very near future.